Sometimes, often when we least expect it, we get one of those "Ah-ha" moments, when we see/get what our
next step should/will be: and sometimes we get those as we hear or read someone else's story; where the
light goes on because we have that realization of, "Hey, that's me to a Tee" . . . and sometimes those are
huge moments where we can make a big step forward: seldom the whole solution, yet a big step.
Knowledge, after all, comes in degrees; bit by bit.
And here you'll read and hear many people's stories; some, or one, or all of them might be the ones that
bring you your "Ah-ha" moment.
The many shades of being and behaviour human beings come in, is at times totally baffling, sometimes
frustrating or bewildering, and sometimes annoying or hurtful. And at other times people seem to rise
above themselves and are caring, joyful and considerate.
- Did you know that the things that really bother us about other people, are actually the things we
dislike or hate most about ourselves; but we turn it outwards, rather than address it.
"Those people" we so dislike are:
- Those who seem blithely or blissfully unaware of the effects their behaviour, words and actions have
on others; or are aware but don't understand the fuss; and there are those who are totally aware, but
couldn't care less. These are the "other people".
So now we have an interesting situation, for:
- On the opposite side of that, are those who are on the receiving end of the above, desperately
wondering how anyone could be so unaware; or what is even more hurtful - knowing that the other
is aware but appears to have actually chosen to be (or stay) that way. And that some actually don't
care; yet wanting to understand it, or discover what they can do about it, or not. These are "us".
Perhaps equally importantly, you will realize that in order to achieve what you're looking for, you will have
to look at yourself through "other eyes": meaning to take a look at how others might see you - and get the
realization of why they react to you, the way they do. If we all did that, and acted on our discovery (or
discoveries) the "world" would change drastically.
Untangling it is not easy: there are "Issues", "Challenges", "Syndromes", "Disorders" and all sorts of other
names and labels attempting to make some sort of order into that seeming chaos - that leave us more
puzzled and confused than we already were.
More importantly, ALL of us, have been, or are, both these people at one time or another: actually, we are so
most of the time. So it very much comes down to what St Francis of Assisi said, "What you are looking for is
what is looking." Which in contemporary times is phrased slightly differently; "The one you are looking for is
the one who is looking." Because, until we truly know ourselves, we cannot expect to understand others.
I do not have "THE" answer(s) for you, but I can help YOU find the answer(s) you need.
(The answer(s) are already inside you - you'll rediscover them on your healing journey, here and elsewhere).
My intention, purpose, and hope is to be helpfully informative, and thought-provoking, but never persuasive
or judgemental. I have nothing to sell: I simply provide "Roadside Assistance", so to speak, for Healing and
Recovery in a Shaming-Blaming culture that is often very much Fear-Based: a Culture of Dysfunction - but not
as widespread as it may seem, or feel. But you'll find many encouraging examples of many, many exceptions
to it, here.
You will rediscover an essential truth as you browse the site:
- that People (Others and YOU) are not their "Label", their "Disorder", "Complex", "Syndrome", or their
"Disease", and etc.
The Help and Information here are not "Psychological", "Philosophical", nor "Theological": rather it is
acquired from the wisdom garnered by humans over the ages - and added-to by former clients, students -
and through observing people in many places and situations during a long time-frame; as well of course,
through "formal" and self-directed study. They are based on Life in all its wondrous vastness, intricacies and
"Everything in your life is there as a vehicle for your transformation.
"We're all walking each other home".
Every Journey begins with a single step.
Yours too; your First step . . .
No one can walk with you till you take that first step, beautiful person.
We live at a time where the prevailing "wisdom" and practice is to look for (and offer) instant solutions and
"quick-fixes" to "heal" ourselves. And oh my, if only it was that simple - if only they worked. No doubt you've
tried some in your journey of healing and/or understanding.
The "reality" is, those are at best "symptom alleviators" - they only address the symptoms, not the reasons
and causes behind those symptoms.
You see, "recovery" and healing is a process: one that requires your active participation: you need to be
engaged in it - or it simply will not have the outcomes you desire. To truly heal (it means to "become
whole"), it is necessary to get to the root of whatever is involved and deal with that. And it takes "Time":
knowledge does come in degrees.
Now, another interesting thing:
- we are all normal, for when we are being "ourselves", doing and saying the things we usually, or
always do, and think as we always do, we are being our "normal" self. At the same time we are all
dysfunctional, meaning that not everything in our lives always works for us, or for others around us
(to whatever degree). This is our personal micro "culture".
- we are all also "children" - Adult Children: within whom lives that little "inner child" - the one who was
unable to grow and form in a healthy, functional manner, and who feels locked-up and afraid. That is
whom the recovery and healing process needs to reach - that's who needs to be healed, and to have
balance - so that those who have been wounded, can also heal.
When machinery, appliances or electronic devices aren't working, not working well, or not working as they
are "supposed to", we say they aren't functioning properly: or that they are "Dysfunctional". And we get them
repaired, or replaced. That works well with machinery and devices.
Human lives also do not always go well, however, or not as well as they could, or not working as they are
"supposed to" as well. But we are not mechanical or electronic entities, and are thus faced with using a
different approach to "repair", fix, or change what isn't working - for us.
IF we were only Biological, Neurological, Chemical (Bio-Neuro-Chemological) beings, then we could treat
our "dys-functioning or "malfunctioning"" aspects, challenges, issues, etc, in the same manner as we do the
malfunctioning devices and machines in our lives. If only it were that simple.
Instead of being Bio-Neuro-Chemological beings only, we are far more complex than just that, for we have
an added dimension, or dimensions. We are complex beings having an intricate interplay of Mind, Body,
Spirit - which presents us with a totally different situation, requiring totally different means and approaches to
dealing with, or harmonizing, the interplay, so that our lives will function better.
- We are Spiritual beings having a Human experience: which is what makes the big difference. We are
constantly both Human and Spiritual; simultaneously - all the time. So the using the Neuro-Biochemical
approach only, does not, and will not work. To continue that approach, believing that that's all it is, is
equivalent to saying that your stereo or computer, or phone "made" the music that you listen to, for
example. Not so. However, this is where I end that analogy.
Many of the things that aren't going well, or aren't working for us at all, are reactions to situations,
circumstances, experiences, and events, etc. - and not Bio-Neuro-Chemical in origin. And these reactions
have emotional and spiritual consequences that impinge on our bodies (thus, our overall physical health) we
could call it dis-ease, uneasiness, disharmony, out of balance . . .
Because of the intricate, complex interplay between Body-Mind-Spirit, it is not always clear whether certain
challenges, issues, (disorders) are "causes", or consequences. Which is why regaining balance, harmony,
health and serenity within ourselves is a challenging, and often frustrating journey, or process.
This Body-Mind-Spirit is a total, integrated entity: and it is connected to everything else, and everything else
is connected to it: all the time, simultaneously. It's like an infinitely gigantic matrix, or as Chief Seattle called
it: the web of life. And he rightly said that, "whatever happens on the web, anywhere; happens to everything
else on it; everywhere, always", (paraphrased).
So it's not a case of any of us just being receivers or recipients: we are also givers and senders.
But in the hum and drum, the ups and downs of life, many of us lose our awareness of that
interconnectedness, and our sense of integration, and instead become disoriented, disconnected and enter a
dissociative state (dissociative: a good word that the psychologists stole and used as a label).
And because of that interconnectedness, and integrated wholeness, it impinges on, and becomes part of, our
healing and reconnection process.
Yes, sometimes it requires medication: but herbal, natural substances will in many cases provide exactly what
it is needed - rather than pharma-chemical intervention. That is not to say they don't have their place - but not
on the scale that they are currently employed as the end-all and be-all. Without re-establishing our integrated
selves, and then reconnect with the larger integrated web, we cannot hope to fully recover, or heal.
This site provides resources that are helpful to people on healing and recovery journeys. There are many
examples (pages) of Healthy, balanced and well-functioning live styles. At the same time, it explores, and
provides examples of, the consequences of Dysfunction on people (and children).
You will find the Topics and links to some of the various resources, below.
|This is my eBook:
"One! The Journey hOMe", by Klaas Tuinman MA, © 2007-2017
It is not for sale; it is Free.
It's my way of Paying It Forward.
It is an ongoing work in progress.
Roadside Assistance for your Journey through Life
To assist you in the process, I've provided articles and stories that are in a sense, walks on both the light side
of life - walks to perhaps trigger those "ah-ha" moments, and insights, and possible solutions.
- It also looks at challenges, issues, conditions and problems people experience: the so-called "disorders,
"syndromes", "disease", "mental problems", and "Complexes" etc. I dislike Labels intensely, because it's
a form of "stereo-typing" and thus they "stigmatize" the person, so I only use them in quotations marks
to help orient you as to what it is we're talking about.
- Many of them are simply reactions to life, experiences and circumstances, and the coping mechanisms,
people use: not the labels that others have assigned to them. I prefer to think of it as manifestations of
the tremendously malleable spectrum of human behavioural diversity. Both culture and individual
uniqueness are agents in it. You will find no "baffle-gab" or "psycho-babble", of any kind on this site
(unless in quotations marks). Just straight, upfront talk.
By far, the majority of articles and essays etc, on the site are walks on the bright side of life, but there are
articles and stories about the dark side, too.
It's only by facing or confronting the dark, that we have the hope of discovering the path to the Light side,
and thus experience our awakening, so that we can make a new beginning - the recovery and healing that
directs, or returns us to the light: to the bright side of life. There are many, many more bright side walks
here, than dark, negative ones.
|Inner Healing: Emotional, Mental and Spiritual
|Recovery, Healing, Re-Visioning, Re-Purposing, Establishing New Beginnings
Roadside Assistance to assist you in your journey
An Overview and Introduction
The "Components" of Healing
Set & Intentional Behaviour & Normal vs
Setting Reactionary Behaviour "Abnormal"
Self-Transcendence "Walls" "Sublimation"
vs Self-Sabotage The Dilemma
Where do I come in, on your journey? Simply put, mine is a
quite minor role, compared to yours. I provide the "space"
-a safe, comfortable place- for you to engage in creating your
own healing "space" - this is a rest stop along the way; and
there are also resources and support of many kinds for you to
And I'm here, as a fellow traveller, one who has walked many
trails. I am not a "counsellor" in the common usage of that
word. I am not you - I do not know the answer to what you
need. But perhaps I can help you find it.
My role is to provide with new tools (the information and
support items on the site), and to listen, and perhaps suggest
some things for you consider; perhaps ask that if what you've
been doing isn't working for you, to try something else;
I cannot, and will not, TELL you what to do - I am not you,
but . . .
We can brainstorm about it, together; if you so desire. And
I can accompany you for a bit, on the trail - or perhaps walk
alongside on the entire journey. Once again, that is YOUR
choice to make - not mine.
One of my main roles in these journeys people are on, besides
providing them with new tools and insights provided by the
articles and information, is that of Guide - I am familiar with
much of the terrain and can help avoid pitfalls, and perhaps
suggest new options. More about my approach, you can find it
in the introduction of the "Alcoholism" Main page, and on the
The discussion and information below is not meant to overwhelm or intimidate you; rather, it is intended to
give you an overview of what is involved in the process of inner healing. Often, knowing the nature of what
we're faced with, kind of "whittles it down to size", and makes the process appear much less intimidating.
Set and Setting
Positive inner healing journeys requires two very crucial things: "Set" and "Setting": they both play a vital
role in healing. The healing process has this in common with other situations where intense experiences may
occur, or which are hoped for. That includes "Peak Experiences".
- "Set" is our mindset (anticipation, anxiety, excitement etc) as we approach, and go into, the experience.
It is the most important element. For in our mindset we bring all our attitudes, habitual thoughts,
feelings, culture, childhood formation, beliefs, and quite frequently fear, among others. Our mindset is
what creates our anticipation (and/or trepidation) of what we are about to experience.
- "Setting" is where the experience is going to take place; our social environment and surroundings: the
people we surround ourselves with, and the actual physical place.
The two modes of behaviour
- Intentional: it is intentional because we always have a choice; that however, is true only where we are
in full balanced control, inner harmony of all the dimensions that make us who we are: physical, mental,
emotional and spiritual. This is the mode most of us would like to think we're in most of the time, but
frequently, we are not.
- Reactionary: much of our behaviour is a reaction to something; whether to events, or people, or
what people did to us, or incidents etc, or a combination of all of these. This usually is anything but
harmonious and balanced; and almost always does not address the causes (events, things, persons,
circumstances, etc) - hence, this is also what produces most of human anti-social and/or dysfunctional
- And what we come up with in our reaction to survive are coping strategies: alcoholism is one such
strategy, as are the methods used by children of alcoholic/dysfunctional families. The "problem" with
these is, that almost none of them work: at best they do so very briefly, before they in turn become
new problems for them to deal with.
- NOTE: Connected to these, is that our thoughts, feelings, emotions etc, are the food we feed our mind,
spirit and body with: so any healing journey requires absorbing that, and examining what it is we feed
ourselves with, so to speak. And it is definitely related to who we "hang out with".
Protecting oneself is both understandable, wise, and important. However, it can be like people trapped within
castle walls; the outsiders can't get in to hurt them, but they can't get out to do whatever it is they want, or
need to do. So the healing journey is largely about "getting out" in a safe way, while still protecting oneself.
Inner Healing is one of the most interesting, yet challenging journeys anyone can ever go on. There will be
"obstacles" and "issues" to be overcome along the way. There will be "dead-ends" on the path at times,
requiring back-tracking, or blazing a brand-new, unknown one; sometimes there are forks - and decisions are
called for, with choices to make.
It can be, and often is, an arduous journey; but there's nothing that says it has to be rushed, or done in a
day, or some other specified time. We all have our own speed, and ways, on walking journeys. For more on
this, see the introduction on the Alcoholism main page.
Comments and Questions are welcomed