| Assertiveness: On Being Assertive |
Balanced, Self-Determined Behaviour
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Balanced Self Determinism (Assertiveness) – An Introduction
Being assertive means having the ability to express your feelings, opinions, beliefs, and needs directly, openly and honestly, and at the same
time not violating the personal rights of others. It means standing up for yourself. Assertive behavior is often confused with aggression. The
difference is, aggressive behavior is self-enhancing at the expense of others. It does not take other individual's rights into consideration.
Aggressive behaviour other people’s feelings are ignored, violated and not taken into consideration when interacting with them.
Passive: Other Determined Behaviour (ODB)
When your behaviour is determined only by the needs of others
or others "determine" your behaviour.
Assertive: Self Determined Behaviour (BSD)
When your behaviour is determined by your needs while respecting the needs of others at the same time!
Aggressive: Selfish Determined Behaviour (SDB)
When your behaviour is determined only by your needs alone
The focus is on BALANCE!
All of us swing from one end of the range to another, at times.
What counts is, that MOST of the time we are in the "middle" - in the "balanced" position".
Being assertive means having the ability to express your feelings, opinions, beliefs, and needs directly, openly and honestly, and at the same
time not violating the personal rights of others. It means standing up for yourself. Assertive behavior is often confused with aggression. The
difference is, aggressive behavior is self-enhancing at the expense of others. It does not take other individual's rights into consideration.
Aggressive behaviour other people’s feelings are ignored, violated and not taken into consideration when interacting with them.
Passive: Other Determined Behaviour (ODB)
When your behaviour is determined only by the needs of others
or others "determine" your behaviour.
Assertive: Self Determined Behaviour (BSD)
When your behaviour is determined by your needs while respecting the needs of others at the same time!
Aggressive: Selfish Determined Behaviour (SDB)
When your behaviour is determined only by your needs alone
The focus is on BALANCE!
All of us swing from one end of the range to another, at times.
What counts is, that MOST of the time we are in the "middle" - in the "balanced" position".
| Comparison of Behaviours Chart |
| Passive (Other-Determined Behaviour)
(Effects on self) You become self-denying You become inhibited, passive You do not achieve your goals You allow others to choose for you You become hurt and anxious (Effects on others) Others can become guilty or angry Depreciated by others Achieve goals at your expense |
| Assertive (Balanced Self-Determined Behaviour) Warm, caring, considerate considers other's rights and feelings respectful of others and self “I don’t count, you count more” “You count, and I count, too" (Effects on self) Is self enhancing You are expressive and active You may achieve your desired goals You choose for yourself You feel good about y (Effects on others) Enhances others Expressive They may achieve desired goals |
| Aggressive (Egotistical) (Selfish-Determined Behaviour) Cold-hearted, Selfish, Inconsiderate does not consider others’ rights and feelings is not respectful of others “I count, no-one else counts” (Effects on self) Is self enhancing at the expense of others You are expressive and aggressive You achieve you goals by hurting others You choose for others You depreciate others (Effects on others) Others become hurt, defensive, humiliated Denies others’ selves They do not achieve desired goals |
Assertiveness
Many people have difficulty in expressing their feelings honestly and openly because they lack assertiveness. That can be a major
problem in building a relationship, going out in the career world, or communicating with friends, family members, and co-workers.
Being assertive means having the ability to express your feelings, opinions, beliefs, and needs directly, openly and honestly, and at the
same time not violating the personal rights of others. Assertiveness does not in any way means being aggressive. Aggressive behavior is
self enhancing at the expense of others. It does not take other individual's rights into consideration.
Assertive behavior is often confused with aggression: the difference is, in aggressive behaviour, friends', partner's and associates' feelings
are ignored, violated and not taken into consideration when interacting with them leaving them feeling hurt, humiliated, angry, and
revengeful.
Assertiveness will:
• Develop your communication skills.
• Allow you to feel self-confident.
• Increase your self-esteem.
• Help you to gain the respect of others.
• Improve your decision-making ability.
To develop your assertiveness skills, be direct, honest, and open about your feelings, opinions and needs. State reasonable requests
directly and firmly. State your goals or intentions in a direct and honest manner. State your point of view without being hesitant or
apologetic. Being responsible for your own behavior will let you feel good about yourself.
Do not let your friends, partners etc, impose or force their behaviors, values and ideas on you. Instead, let them know what you think,
feel and want.
For more on developing this skill, see the seminar/workshops page
Many people have difficulty in expressing their feelings honestly and openly because they lack assertiveness. That can be a major
problem in building a relationship, going out in the career world, or communicating with friends, family members, and co-workers.
Being assertive means having the ability to express your feelings, opinions, beliefs, and needs directly, openly and honestly, and at the
same time not violating the personal rights of others. Assertiveness does not in any way means being aggressive. Aggressive behavior is
self enhancing at the expense of others. It does not take other individual's rights into consideration.
Assertive behavior is often confused with aggression: the difference is, in aggressive behaviour, friends', partner's and associates' feelings
are ignored, violated and not taken into consideration when interacting with them leaving them feeling hurt, humiliated, angry, and
revengeful.
Assertiveness will:
• Develop your communication skills.
• Allow you to feel self-confident.
• Increase your self-esteem.
• Help you to gain the respect of others.
• Improve your decision-making ability.
To develop your assertiveness skills, be direct, honest, and open about your feelings, opinions and needs. State reasonable requests
directly and firmly. State your goals or intentions in a direct and honest manner. State your point of view without being hesitant or
apologetic. Being responsible for your own behavior will let you feel good about yourself.
Do not let your friends, partners etc, impose or force their behaviors, values and ideas on you. Instead, let them know what you think,
feel and want.
For more on developing this skill, see the seminar/workshops page
This is a new Page: more to come
Klaas Tuinman MA
Dawn Cove Abbey
Deerfield, (Yarmouth County) Nova Scotia, Canada
(1985 – rev: Dec-2005-2008)
Dawn Cove Abbey
Deerfield, (Yarmouth County) Nova Scotia, Canada
(1985 – rev: Dec-2005-2008)
Help is available through coaching/counselling - goto Contact & Info (with no obligation).
Only the Wounded Heal; Only the Separated Reconcile
Only the Wounded Heal; Only the Separated Reconcile
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