| Assertiveness - On Being Assertive |
| Balanced, Self-Determined Behaviour |
Assertiveness: Balanced Self Determinism
An Introduction
Being assertive means having the ability
to express your feelings, opinions, beliefs,
and needs directly,
openly and honestly,
and at the same time
not violating the personal rights of others.
An Introduction
Being assertive means having the ability
to express your feelings, opinions, beliefs,
and needs directly,
openly and honestly,
and at the same time
not violating the personal rights of others.
| Comparison of Behaviours Chart |
Assertiveness will:
• Develop your communication skills.
• Allow you to feel self-confident.
• Increase your self-esteem.
• Help you to gain the respect of others.
• Improve your decision-making ability.
To develop your assertiveness skills, be direct, honest, and open about your feelings, opinions and needs.
State reasonable requests directly and firmly.
State your goals or intentions in a direct and honest manner.
State your point of view without being hesitant or apologetic.
Being responsible for your own behavior will let you feel good about yourself.
Do not let your friends, partners etc, impose or force their behaviors, values and ideas on you.
Instead, let them know what you think, feel and want.
And stand up for it.
For more on developing this skill, see the seminar/workshops page
• Develop your communication skills.
• Allow you to feel self-confident.
• Increase your self-esteem.
• Help you to gain the respect of others.
• Improve your decision-making ability.
To develop your assertiveness skills, be direct, honest, and open about your feelings, opinions and needs.
State reasonable requests directly and firmly.
State your goals or intentions in a direct and honest manner.
State your point of view without being hesitant or apologetic.
Being responsible for your own behavior will let you feel good about yourself.
Do not let your friends, partners etc, impose or force their behaviors, values and ideas on you.
Instead, let them know what you think, feel and want.
And stand up for it.
For more on developing this skill, see the seminar/workshops page
Klaas Tuinman MA
Dawn Cove Abbey
Deerfield, (Yarmouth County) Nova Scotia, Canada
(1985 – rev: Jan 2010)
Dawn Cove Abbey
Deerfield, (Yarmouth County) Nova Scotia, Canada
(1985 – rev: Jan 2010)
 |  |  |  |  |  |
I sincerely hope that you take the Less Travelled Road
and that it brings awakening and healing to you.
and that it brings awakening and healing to you.
| Follow-up and Support Counseling to Seminars & Workshops Dawn Cove Abbey Empowerment Outreach is a registered not-for-profit business in the province of Nova Scotia, Canada |
If you have questions, comments or suggestions, please email. I'll be happy to hear from you.
| The Dawn Cove Abbey Tradition: Helping People Rediscover Themselves Established in 1995, in commemoration of Abbey Dawn in Kingston, Ontario. |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
| |
 |
| |
 |
| |
 |
| |
 |
| |
 |
| |
 |
| |
 |
| |
 |
| |
 |
| |
 |
| |
 |
| |
 |
| |
 |
| |
 |
| |
 |
| |
 |
| Dysfunctional Family / Life Effects: Resources |
| Adult Child - Survivor Resource Section |
| Healthy-Functional Resource Section |
 |
| |
 |
| |
 |
| |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
| Suggested Additional Reading |
| Dawn Cove Abbey Information and Support Resources |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
It means standing up for yourself.
Assertive behavior is often confused with aggression.
The difference is, aggressive behavior is self-enhancing at the
expense of others.
It does not take other individuals' rights into consideration.
Aggressive behaviour other people’s feelings are ignored, violated and
not taken into consideration when interacting with them.
Assertive behaviour is when your behaviour is determined by your
needs while respecting the needs of others at the same time!
In Aggressive behaviour - your behaviour is determined only by your
needs alone
Many people have difficulty in expressing their feelings honestly and
openly because they lack assertiveness.
That can be a major problem in building a relationship, going out in the
career world, or communicating with friends, family members, and co-
workers.
Being assertive means having the ability to express your feelings,
opinions, beliefs, and needs directly, openly and honestly, and at the
same time not violating the personal rights of others.
Assertiveness does not in any way means being aggressive.
Aggressive behavior is self enhancing at the expense of others.
It does not take other individual's rights into consideration.
Assertive behavior is often confused with aggression: the difference
is, in aggressive behaviour, friends', partner's and associates' feelings
are ignored, violated and not taken into consideration when interacting
with them leaving them feeling hurt, humiliated, angry, and revengeful.
Assertive behavior is often confused with aggression.
The difference is, aggressive behavior is self-enhancing at the
expense of others.
It does not take other individuals' rights into consideration.
Aggressive behaviour other people’s feelings are ignored, violated and
not taken into consideration when interacting with them.
Assertive behaviour is when your behaviour is determined by your
needs while respecting the needs of others at the same time!
In Aggressive behaviour - your behaviour is determined only by your
needs alone
Many people have difficulty in expressing their feelings honestly and
openly because they lack assertiveness.
That can be a major problem in building a relationship, going out in the
career world, or communicating with friends, family members, and co-
workers.
Being assertive means having the ability to express your feelings,
opinions, beliefs, and needs directly, openly and honestly, and at the
same time not violating the personal rights of others.
Assertiveness does not in any way means being aggressive.
Aggressive behavior is self enhancing at the expense of others.
It does not take other individual's rights into consideration.
Assertive behavior is often confused with aggression: the difference
is, in aggressive behaviour, friends', partner's and associates' feelings
are ignored, violated and not taken into consideration when interacting
with them leaving them feeling hurt, humiliated, angry, and revengeful.
In the shame/blame-based culture we live in, we are made to feel
that we are responsible for everyone, and everything’s welfare: it
puts the focus on you!
It teaches that you should feel guilty over other people’s failures;
that it is your fault, and to see yourself as the failure, or the
problem, because you didn’t fix it, or prevent it: you are supposed to
take the blame.
If you don’t accept it, and instead ask others to take ownership and
responsibility of their actions and choices, and stand up for yourself,
you are told that you are wrong, selfish, aggressive and mean.
It is not selfish, mean, insensitive, or inconsiderate: you are just
taking ownership and responsibility for you.
that we are responsible for everyone, and everything’s welfare: it
puts the focus on you!
It teaches that you should feel guilty over other people’s failures;
that it is your fault, and to see yourself as the failure, or the
problem, because you didn’t fix it, or prevent it: you are supposed to
take the blame.
If you don’t accept it, and instead ask others to take ownership and
responsibility of their actions and choices, and stand up for yourself,
you are told that you are wrong, selfish, aggressive and mean.
It is not selfish, mean, insensitive, or inconsiderate: you are just
taking ownership and responsibility for you.
There is nothing in that sick, dysfunctional environment to indicate that other people’s failures are due to them not
taking ownership or responsibility for own their lives, and instead, it tries to put it all on you.
This leads to further negative self-images of yourself.
They will back you into that corner where they make you out to be the heavy, or the mean one, to get you to “back
down”. Yet, you are simply holding out for your own self, and asking them to take responsibility for themselves.
Being assertive means being able to express, and stand-up for, your feelings, opinions, beliefs, and needs, directly,
openly and honestly, without violating the personal rights of others at the same time.
It means standing up for yourself. Assertive behavior is often confused with aggression.
The difference is that aggressive behavior is self-enhancing at the expense of others: other people’s feelings and
rights are ignored violated and not taken into consideration. An assertive person does consider others; and asks for,
and stands-up for, the same thing in return.
Passive: Other Determined Behaviour (ODB)
When your behaviour is determined only by the needs of others.
Assertive: Self Determined Behaviour (BSD)
When your behaviour is determined by your needs while respecting the needs of others at the same time!
Aggressive: Selfish Determined Behaviour (SDB)
When your behaviour is determined only by your needs alone.
The focus is on BALANCE!
All of us swing from one end of the range to another, at times.
The goal is to be in the middle; in the balanced position MOST of the time: striving for balance.
taking ownership or responsibility for own their lives, and instead, it tries to put it all on you.
This leads to further negative self-images of yourself.
They will back you into that corner where they make you out to be the heavy, or the mean one, to get you to “back
down”. Yet, you are simply holding out for your own self, and asking them to take responsibility for themselves.
Being assertive means being able to express, and stand-up for, your feelings, opinions, beliefs, and needs, directly,
openly and honestly, without violating the personal rights of others at the same time.
It means standing up for yourself. Assertive behavior is often confused with aggression.
The difference is that aggressive behavior is self-enhancing at the expense of others: other people’s feelings and
rights are ignored violated and not taken into consideration. An assertive person does consider others; and asks for,
and stands-up for, the same thing in return.
Passive: Other Determined Behaviour (ODB)
When your behaviour is determined only by the needs of others.
Assertive: Self Determined Behaviour (BSD)
When your behaviour is determined by your needs while respecting the needs of others at the same time!
Aggressive: Selfish Determined Behaviour (SDB)
When your behaviour is determined only by your needs alone.
The focus is on BALANCE!
All of us swing from one end of the range to another, at times.
The goal is to be in the middle; in the balanced position MOST of the time: striving for balance.
| Passive (Other-Determined Behaviour)
“I don’t count, you count more” (Effects on self) You become self-denying You become inhibited, passive You do not achieve your goals You allow others to choose for you You become hurt and anxious (Effects on others) Others can become guilty or angry Depreciated by others Others achieve goals at your expense |
| Assertive (Balanced Self-Determined Behav) Warm, caring, considerate: considers other's rights and feelings respectful of others and self “I don’t count, you count more” “You count, and I count, too" (Effects on self) Is self enhancing You are expressive and active You may achieve your desired goals You choose for yourself You feel good about y (Effects on others) Enhances others Expressive Others may achieve desired goals |
| Aggressive (Egotistical) ( Selfish-Determined Behav) Cold-hearted, Selfish, Inconsiderate does not consider others’ rights and feelings is not respectful of others “I count, no-one else counts” (Effects on self) Is self enhancing at the expense of others You are expressive and aggressive You achieve you goals by hurting others You choose for others You depreciate others (Effects on others) Others become hurt, defensive, humiliated Denies others’ selves Others do not achieve desired goals |
Assert Yourself Regularly!
Assertiveness is something that you develop and strengthen over time. Practicing assertive behavior regularly and
reminding yourself that you have value is an important way to build that assertiveness.
Review the statements below on a regular basis to remind yourself that your thoughts and opinions are important. Every
time you agree with these statements, you're building your assertive skills.
• I am honest and direct about my thoughts and feelings.
• I speak up and share my views if I disagree with others' opinions.
• I am confident about my opinions and decisions.
• I am able to accept that someone else may have a better idea or solution to a problem than I do.
• I can accept positive criticism and suggestions.
• I ask for help when I need it.
• I am able to turn down requests that seem unreasonable or unfair.
• I directly address things that bother me.
• I speak confidently about things that matter a lot to me.
• I consider my needs as important as others.
Assertiveness is something that you develop and strengthen over time. Practicing assertive behavior regularly and
reminding yourself that you have value is an important way to build that assertiveness.
Review the statements below on a regular basis to remind yourself that your thoughts and opinions are important. Every
time you agree with these statements, you're building your assertive skills.
• I am honest and direct about my thoughts and feelings.
• I speak up and share my views if I disagree with others' opinions.
• I am confident about my opinions and decisions.
• I am able to accept that someone else may have a better idea or solution to a problem than I do.
• I can accept positive criticism and suggestions.
• I ask for help when I need it.
• I am able to turn down requests that seem unreasonable or unfair.
• I directly address things that bother me.
• I speak confidently about things that matter a lot to me.
• I consider my needs as important as others.
| | | | | |
| People who really want to heal, will find a way; those who don't, will find an excuse. |