Blended Family: Blending - Merging - Combining Two Families
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When two families are combined, each family brings its own set of rules, rituals, traditions and loyalties (culture).
Values, household responsibilities and ways of doing things that were established in one family must now be
reconfigured into a new family structure: all of these have to be blended and merged into one workable, working unit.
It is likely that different types of talents and interests, lifestyles and ways of spending leisure time will exist and
may even clash. In fact, some, or many of those will look "weird" or strange to each other. Yet, they weren't weird or
strange in the home they originated in, that was "just the way they did things". In short, each was different.
And there's nothing wrong with difference - it's just that those differences have to be worked out into a new,
combined, blended way of doing things. The first noticeable thing will be that life will never be the same again - for
any members of the "new" family. There is no initial break-in period after which everything resorts to "normal" - or
the same as it used to be (also see Culture, because two families merging is similar to two cultures meeting).
It no longer is "what it used to be".
All those now belong to the past. It will not be the same: it can be worse, it can be better - but it will be different.
And the difference can again be "bad difference" or "good difference". Which it will be will depend on the planning
the two adults did, and how well they prepared their respective children. It also depends on how well all the members
co-operate.
A new way, one which combines the best from both previous situations - in a new blend will be the way the "new"
family does things, goes about things, and how they treat each other and get treated. No-one member will get
everything from the "old way" they wanted - but since that applies to all equally - it is not unfair to any one person. All
will have to get used to it in order for the blending, merging or combining to be successful.
All the above is true even for two people who are entering into a first marriage/relationship. But then, there are only
two people to make adjustments, and only two extended families in the background. In blended families, there are
many other who have to make adjustments, and more extended families to deal with and incorporate into the scheme
of things - thus increasing the challenge, and the risk.
On-going adjustments bring a danger: because we tend to be focused on what we are doing - it will seem, or feel, to
each person that they are the one who is always doing all the adjusting - while in fact, everyone is doing it at the same
time. We tend not to notice the others' adjustments. Being aware of the others is important to offset this feeling.
Understanding these realities of the blended family or step-family structure can reduce some of the frustrations of
step-parenting.
It takes three to five years for family members to adjust to the newly formed "blended family." This includes
adapting to new people, different kinships and new roles. Tension may exist surrounding such issues as new roles,
different last names and adoption of stepchildren.
Values, household responsibilities and ways of doing things that were established in one family must now be
reconfigured into a new family structure: all of these have to be blended and merged into one workable, working unit.
It is likely that different types of talents and interests, lifestyles and ways of spending leisure time will exist and
may even clash. In fact, some, or many of those will look "weird" or strange to each other. Yet, they weren't weird or
strange in the home they originated in, that was "just the way they did things". In short, each was different.
And there's nothing wrong with difference - it's just that those differences have to be worked out into a new,
combined, blended way of doing things. The first noticeable thing will be that life will never be the same again - for
any members of the "new" family. There is no initial break-in period after which everything resorts to "normal" - or
the same as it used to be (also see Culture, because two families merging is similar to two cultures meeting).
It no longer is "what it used to be".
- There are now two "groups" from different backgrounds living in the same space.
- Each group was used to its way of doing things, and ways of going about things.
- They were also used to certain patterns of activities, certain ways to be treated and treating others; certain
ways of talking and communicating, etc.
All those now belong to the past. It will not be the same: it can be worse, it can be better - but it will be different.
And the difference can again be "bad difference" or "good difference". Which it will be will depend on the planning
the two adults did, and how well they prepared their respective children. It also depends on how well all the members
co-operate.
A new way, one which combines the best from both previous situations - in a new blend will be the way the "new"
family does things, goes about things, and how they treat each other and get treated. No-one member will get
everything from the "old way" they wanted - but since that applies to all equally - it is not unfair to any one person. All
will have to get used to it in order for the blending, merging or combining to be successful.
All the above is true even for two people who are entering into a first marriage/relationship. But then, there are only
two people to make adjustments, and only two extended families in the background. In blended families, there are
many other who have to make adjustments, and more extended families to deal with and incorporate into the scheme
of things - thus increasing the challenge, and the risk.
On-going adjustments bring a danger: because we tend to be focused on what we are doing - it will seem, or feel, to
each person that they are the one who is always doing all the adjusting - while in fact, everyone is doing it at the same
time. We tend not to notice the others' adjustments. Being aware of the others is important to offset this feeling.
Understanding these realities of the blended family or step-family structure can reduce some of the frustrations of
step-parenting.
It takes three to five years for family members to adjust to the newly formed "blended family." This includes
adapting to new people, different kinships and new roles. Tension may exist surrounding such issues as new roles,
different last names and adoption of stepchildren.
- If you or someone you know, is facing this, or contemplating it - and you desire help: online - distance
help/coaching works (see Contact-Us). I can help - no risk - no obligation to inquire - totally confidential!
The Blending: Fairness to the Children:
all when you have learned to negotiate.
Guidelines that will help you negotiate a consensual, mutually acceptable agreement:
Set ground rules to make negotiations pleasant and safe:
- There should be one rule for everyone!
all when you have learned to negotiate.
Guidelines that will help you negotiate a consensual, mutually acceptable agreement:
Set ground rules to make negotiations pleasant and safe:
- Choose the solution that is appealing to both of you.
- The reason you argue is that you are incompatible --
- you have not learned how to act in the interest of both of you at the same time.
- That will come with time, patience, perseverance, and above all, respect, love and caring.
Deerfield, (Yarmouth County) Nova Scotia, Canada
(1985 – rev: Apr 2009)
(1985 – rev: Apr 2009)
a Dawn Cove Abbey Resource
I sincerely hope that you take the Less Travelled Road
and that it brings awakening and healing to you.
and that it brings awakening and healing to you.
| Follow-up and Support Counseling to Seminars & Workshops Dawn Cove Abbey Empowerment Outreach is a registered not-for-profit business in the province of Nova Scotia, Canada |
If you have questions, comments or suggestions, please email. I'll be happy to hear from you.
| The Dawn Cove Abbey Tradition: Helping People Rediscover Themselves Established in 1995, in commemoration of Abbey Dawn in Kingston, Ontario. |
Blended/Merged Families
A blended or merged family is one where two adults (or at least,
one) who were previously married to, or in a relationship with,
someone else, start a new life and relationship together.
"Blending" means bringing children, usually from both sides, into that
new start: merging, or combining two families, previously separate,
Blended, merged or combined families can also consist of two adults
starting a new relationship with only one bringing a child, or children
into it.
It commonly requires people at least one year to "get over" a
previous relationship/marriage before starting a new one: as do
children.
The "failure" rate for blended families is about 90% - to avoid being
one of them, there are things to consider, and do to ensure success.
A blended or merged family is one where two adults (or at least,
one) who were previously married to, or in a relationship with,
someone else, start a new life and relationship together.
"Blending" means bringing children, usually from both sides, into that
new start: merging, or combining two families, previously separate,
Blended, merged or combined families can also consist of two adults
starting a new relationship with only one bringing a child, or children
into it.
It commonly requires people at least one year to "get over" a
previous relationship/marriage before starting a new one: as do
children.
The "failure" rate for blended families is about 90% - to avoid being
one of them, there are things to consider, and do to ensure success.
In a way, starting a blended family is not much different from
starting a brand-new first-time marriage or relationship (Related
This is because the ingredients for the two adults (the couple) in a
blended family are exactly the same as for first-timers: love,
respect, understanding, etc. It will be a challenge - and what
follows is the "ideal" - each couple will work out their own pattern.
But blending, merging or combining two families poses some
challenges that first-timers do not have to deal with immediately.
Blending families in second (or third) marriages is one of the
greatest cause of divorce. Very few of these marriages survive
five years - unless they take some important preventative steps.
Perhaps reading Rebound Relationships and/or Healing From
Divorce will be helpful to you.
Merging, and blending a family can bring great conflict: and one of
the major causes, if not the main cause, is children. We'll get back
to that down below. Success will take a lot of thought, planning, and
hard work (and hopefully as little interference from "ex's" as
possible)..
It is good to remember that there are no perfect families - just
ones that "work", and ones that don't work.
starting a brand-new first-time marriage or relationship (Related
This is because the ingredients for the two adults (the couple) in a
blended family are exactly the same as for first-timers: love,
respect, understanding, etc. It will be a challenge - and what
follows is the "ideal" - each couple will work out their own pattern.
But blending, merging or combining two families poses some
challenges that first-timers do not have to deal with immediately.
Blending families in second (or third) marriages is one of the
greatest cause of divorce. Very few of these marriages survive
five years - unless they take some important preventative steps.
Perhaps reading Rebound Relationships and/or Healing From
Divorce will be helpful to you.
Merging, and blending a family can bring great conflict: and one of
the major causes, if not the main cause, is children. We'll get back
to that down below. Success will take a lot of thought, planning, and
hard work (and hopefully as little interference from "ex's" as
possible)..
It is good to remember that there are no perfect families - just
ones that "work", and ones that don't work.
Blended families have to deal with:
Blended families can mean less privacy, more noise, shared space and fewer opportunities for time alone.
There will also, of course, be left-over hurts, and anger (especially on the children's part). These must be taken into
account. A childless man or woman marrying into a family with children will need to learn parenting strategies: fast.
Children: It is common (and understandable) for each spouse to put his or her own children's interests first. It is
often in an effort to compensate for the trauma children experience when there is a divorce.
But when the children's interests are first, the interests of the other spouse and the other spouse's children are
found somewhere down the list, and that's a formula for marital disaster.
There are no instant solutions to solve this.
But there are strong guidelines, which we cover in detail in our Workshop for Blended Families,
to help the two families become a single unit.
Children need time to adjust to having step-brothers and sisters, or perhaps half-brothers and sisters.
Adults: Adults in combined families are not without their challenges either. They may be working to get past the
“baggage” of the previous relationship or dealing with tension or conflict with ex-spouses, new stepchildren, or both.
They’re faced with creating a new, melded family with its own identity, while still honoring the identities of each
family member.
Some of the changes would be drastic (after all, having a new, strange adult and other children
suddenly in your life day after day, is very drastic).
As a parent, they get on-the-job training in being flexible, dealing with change, being fair and impartial, getting and
staying organized, following more complicated schedules – and managing the new money arrangements.
It’s not an easy task.
______________________________________________________________________________________
- where to live,
- what to call each other,
- how to include the other spouse and relatives,
- how to establish emotional ties with the children and
- how to discipline the children.
Blended families can mean less privacy, more noise, shared space and fewer opportunities for time alone.
There will also, of course, be left-over hurts, and anger (especially on the children's part). These must be taken into
account. A childless man or woman marrying into a family with children will need to learn parenting strategies: fast.
Children: It is common (and understandable) for each spouse to put his or her own children's interests first. It is
often in an effort to compensate for the trauma children experience when there is a divorce.
But when the children's interests are first, the interests of the other spouse and the other spouse's children are
found somewhere down the list, and that's a formula for marital disaster.
There are no instant solutions to solve this.
But there are strong guidelines, which we cover in detail in our Workshop for Blended Families,
to help the two families become a single unit.
Children need time to adjust to having step-brothers and sisters, or perhaps half-brothers and sisters.
Adults: Adults in combined families are not without their challenges either. They may be working to get past the
“baggage” of the previous relationship or dealing with tension or conflict with ex-spouses, new stepchildren, or both.
They’re faced with creating a new, melded family with its own identity, while still honoring the identities of each
family member.
Some of the changes would be drastic (after all, having a new, strange adult and other children
suddenly in your life day after day, is very drastic).
As a parent, they get on-the-job training in being flexible, dealing with change, being fair and impartial, getting and
staying organized, following more complicated schedules – and managing the new money arrangements.
It’s not an easy task.
______________________________________________________________________________________
The challenge, or challenges in starting a blended, merged, or combined family are greater than just
starting a new relationship, because:
starting a new relationship, because:
- there are more people (personalities) involved
- these all bring carry-over issues and "baggage" from the former situation (including a not-
always-obvious grieving process over the former/old situation - especially with the children, there will be divided loyalties
- former, previous, or ex-spouses may be uncooperative - and may try to sabotage your new
situation. - each parent will tend to be protective, or over-protective of their children
- the protectiveness, and issues/baggage are sources of conflict (not just potential conflict) -
the conflict will happen.
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| Dysfunctional Family / Life Effects: Resources |
| Adult Child - Survivor Resource Section |
| Healthy-Functional Resource Section |
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| Suggested Additional Reading |
| Dawn Cove Abbey Information and Support Resources |
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| People who really want to heal, will find a way; those who don't, will find an excuse. |