A blended or merged family is one where two adults (or at least, one) who were
previously married to, or in a relationship with, someone else, start a new life and
relationship together.
"Blending" means bringing children, usually from both sides, into that new start:
merging, or combining two families, previously separate, together.
It is a "meeting of two cultures".
Blended, merged or combined families can also consist of two adults starting a
new relationship with only one bringing a child, or children into it.
It commonly requires people at least one year to "get over" a previous
relationship/marriage before starting a new one: as do children.
The "failure" rate for blended families is about 90% - to avoid being one of them,
there are things to consider, and do to ensure success.
previously married to, or in a relationship with, someone else, start a new life and
relationship together.
"Blending" means bringing children, usually from both sides, into that new start:
merging, or combining two families, previously separate, together.
It is a "meeting of two cultures".
Blended, merged or combined families can also consist of two adults starting a
new relationship with only one bringing a child, or children into it.
It commonly requires people at least one year to "get over" a previous
relationship/marriage before starting a new one: as do children.
The "failure" rate for blended families is about 90% - to avoid being one of them,
there are things to consider, and do to ensure success.
Blending, merging or combining families: see Glossary for "blending"
In a way, starting a blended family is not much different from starting a brand-new first-time marriage or relationship (Related useful articles are
Healthy Family, Comparing Relationships, Male-Female Equality, and read "Rules For Being Human"
This is because the ingredients for the two adults (the couple) in a blended family are exactly the same as for first-timers: love, respect,
understanding, etc. It will be a challenge - and what follows is the "ideal" - each couple will work out their own pattern.
But blending, merging or combining two families poses some challenges that first-timers do not have to deal with immediately. Blending families in
second (or third) marriages is one of the greatest cause of divorce. Very few of these marriages survive five years - unless they take some important
preventative steps. Perhaps reading Rebound Relationships and/or Healing From Divorce will be helpful to you.
Merging, and blending a family can bring great conflict: and one of the major causes, if not the main cause, is children. We'll get back to that down
below. Success will take a lot of thought, planning, and hard work (and hopefully as little interference from "ex's" as possible)..
It is good to remember that there are no perfect families - just ones that "work", and ones that don't work.
The Challenge (risk):
The challenge, or challenges in starting a blended, merged, or combined family are greater than just starting a new relationship, because:
In a way, starting a blended family is not much different from starting a brand-new first-time marriage or relationship (Related useful articles are
Healthy Family, Comparing Relationships, Male-Female Equality, and read "Rules For Being Human"
This is because the ingredients for the two adults (the couple) in a blended family are exactly the same as for first-timers: love, respect,
understanding, etc. It will be a challenge - and what follows is the "ideal" - each couple will work out their own pattern.
But blending, merging or combining two families poses some challenges that first-timers do not have to deal with immediately. Blending families in
second (or third) marriages is one of the greatest cause of divorce. Very few of these marriages survive five years - unless they take some important
preventative steps. Perhaps reading Rebound Relationships and/or Healing From Divorce will be helpful to you.
Merging, and blending a family can bring great conflict: and one of the major causes, if not the main cause, is children. We'll get back to that down
below. Success will take a lot of thought, planning, and hard work (and hopefully as little interference from "ex's" as possible)..
It is good to remember that there are no perfect families - just ones that "work", and ones that don't work.
The Challenge (risk):
The challenge, or challenges in starting a blended, merged, or combined family are greater than just starting a new relationship, because:
- there are more people (personalities) involved
- these all bring carry-over issues and "baggage" from the former situation (including a not-always-obvious grieving process over the
former/old situation - especially with the children, there will be divided loyalties
- former, previous, or ex-spouses may be uncooperative - and may try to sabotage your new situation.
- each parent will tend to be protective, or over-protective of their children
- the protectiveness, and issues/baggage are sources of conflict (not just potential conflict) - the conflict will happen.
The challenges of "difference"
When two families are combined, each family brings its own set of rules, rituals, traditions and loyalties (culture). Values, household responsibilities
and ways of doing things that were established in one family must now be reconfigured into a new family structure: all of these have to be blended
and merged into one workable, working unit.
It is likely that different types of talents and interests, lifestyles and ways of spending leisure time will exist and may even clash. In fact, some, or
many of those will look "weird" or strange to each other. Yet, they weren't weird or strange in the home they originated in, that was "just the way
they did things". In short, each was different.
And there's nothing wrong with difference - it's just that those differences have to be worked out into a new, combined, blended way of doing
things. The first noticeable thing will be that life will never be the same again - for any members of the "new" family. There is no initial break-in
period after which everything resorts to "normal" - or the same as it used to be (also see Culture, because two families merging is similar to two
cultures meeting).
It no longer is "what it used to be".
All those now belong to the past. It will not be the same: it can be worse, it can be better - but it will be different. And the difference can again be
"bad difference" or "good difference". Which it will be will depend on the planning the two adults did, and how well they prepared their respective
children. It also depends on how well all the members co-operate.
A new way, one which combines the best from both previous situations - in a new blend will be the way the "new" family does things, goes about
things, and how they treat each other and get treated. No-one member will get everything from the "old way" they wanted - but since that applies to
all equally - it is not unfair to any one person. All will have to get used to it in order for the blending, merging or combining to be successful.
All the above is true even for two people who are entering into a first marriage/relationship. But then, there are only two people to make
adjustments, and only two extended families in the background. In blended families, there are many other who have to make adjustments, and more
extended families to deal with and incorporate into the scheme of things - thus increasing the challenge, and the risk.
On-going adjustments bring a danger: because we tend to be focused on what we are doing - it will seem, or feel, to each person that they are the one
who is always doing all the adjusting - while in fact, everyone is doing it at the same time. We tend not to notice the others' adjustments. Being
aware of the others is important to offset this feeling.
Understanding these realities of the blended family or step-family structure can reduce some of the frustrations of step-parenting.
It takes three to five years for family members to adjust to the newly formed "blended family." This includes adapting to new people, different
kinships and new roles. Tension may exist surrounding such issues as new roles, different last names and adoption of stepchildren.
When two families are combined, each family brings its own set of rules, rituals, traditions and loyalties (culture). Values, household responsibilities
and ways of doing things that were established in one family must now be reconfigured into a new family structure: all of these have to be blended
and merged into one workable, working unit.
It is likely that different types of talents and interests, lifestyles and ways of spending leisure time will exist and may even clash. In fact, some, or
many of those will look "weird" or strange to each other. Yet, they weren't weird or strange in the home they originated in, that was "just the way
they did things". In short, each was different.
And there's nothing wrong with difference - it's just that those differences have to be worked out into a new, combined, blended way of doing
things. The first noticeable thing will be that life will never be the same again - for any members of the "new" family. There is no initial break-in
period after which everything resorts to "normal" - or the same as it used to be (also see Culture, because two families merging is similar to two
cultures meeting).
It no longer is "what it used to be".
- There are now two "groups" from different backgrounds living in the same space.
- Each group was used to its way of doing things, and ways of going about things.
- They were also used to certain patterns of activities, certain ways to be treated and treating others; certain ways of talking and
communicating, etc.
All those now belong to the past. It will not be the same: it can be worse, it can be better - but it will be different. And the difference can again be
"bad difference" or "good difference". Which it will be will depend on the planning the two adults did, and how well they prepared their respective
children. It also depends on how well all the members co-operate.
A new way, one which combines the best from both previous situations - in a new blend will be the way the "new" family does things, goes about
things, and how they treat each other and get treated. No-one member will get everything from the "old way" they wanted - but since that applies to
all equally - it is not unfair to any one person. All will have to get used to it in order for the blending, merging or combining to be successful.
All the above is true even for two people who are entering into a first marriage/relationship. But then, there are only two people to make
adjustments, and only two extended families in the background. In blended families, there are many other who have to make adjustments, and more
extended families to deal with and incorporate into the scheme of things - thus increasing the challenge, and the risk.
On-going adjustments bring a danger: because we tend to be focused on what we are doing - it will seem, or feel, to each person that they are the one
who is always doing all the adjusting - while in fact, everyone is doing it at the same time. We tend not to notice the others' adjustments. Being
aware of the others is important to offset this feeling.
Understanding these realities of the blended family or step-family structure can reduce some of the frustrations of step-parenting.
It takes three to five years for family members to adjust to the newly formed "blended family." This includes adapting to new people, different
kinships and new roles. Tension may exist surrounding such issues as new roles, different last names and adoption of stepchildren.
- If you or someone you know, is facing this, or contemplating it - and you desire help: online - distance help/counselling works (see Contact-
Info). I can help - no risk - no obligation to inquire - totally confidential!
Learn to avoid many of the pitfalls that others have experienced and encountered: attend our Blended Families Seminar-workshop.
Blended families have to deal with:
Blended families can mean less privacy, more noise, shared space and fewer opportunities for time alone.
There will also, of course, be left-over hurts, and anger (especially on the children's part). These must be taken into account. A childless man or
woman marrying into a family with children will need to learn parenting strategies: fast.
Children: It is common (and understandable) for each spouse to put his or her own children's interests first. It is often in an effort to
compensate for the trauma children experience when there is a divorce.
But when the children's interests are first, the interests of the other spouse and the other spouse's children are found somewhere down the list,
and that's a formula for marital disaster.
There are no instant solutions to solve this. But there are strong guidelines, which we cover in detail in our Workshop for Blended Families, to
help the two families become a single unit.
Children need time to adjust to having step-brothers and sisters, or perhaps half-brothers and sisters.
Adults: Adults in combined families are not without their challenges either. They may be working to get past the “baggage” of the previous
relationship or dealing with tension or conflict with ex-spouses, new stepchildren, or both. They’re faced with creating a new, melded family with
its own identity, while still honoring the identities of each family member.
Some of the changes would be drastic (after all, having a new, strange adult and other children suddenly in your life day after day, is very drastic).
As a parent, they get on-the-job training in being flexible, dealing with change, being fair and impartial, getting and staying organized, following
more complicated schedules – and managing the new money arrangements. It’s not an easy task.
Blended families have to deal with:
- where to live,
- what to call each other,
- how to include the other spouse and relatives,
- how to establish emotional ties with the children and
- how to discipline the children.
Blended families can mean less privacy, more noise, shared space and fewer opportunities for time alone.
There will also, of course, be left-over hurts, and anger (especially on the children's part). These must be taken into account. A childless man or
woman marrying into a family with children will need to learn parenting strategies: fast.
Children: It is common (and understandable) for each spouse to put his or her own children's interests first. It is often in an effort to
compensate for the trauma children experience when there is a divorce.
But when the children's interests are first, the interests of the other spouse and the other spouse's children are found somewhere down the list,
and that's a formula for marital disaster.
There are no instant solutions to solve this. But there are strong guidelines, which we cover in detail in our Workshop for Blended Families, to
help the two families become a single unit.
Children need time to adjust to having step-brothers and sisters, or perhaps half-brothers and sisters.
Adults: Adults in combined families are not without their challenges either. They may be working to get past the “baggage” of the previous
relationship or dealing with tension or conflict with ex-spouses, new stepchildren, or both. They’re faced with creating a new, melded family with
its own identity, while still honoring the identities of each family member.
Some of the changes would be drastic (after all, having a new, strange adult and other children suddenly in your life day after day, is very drastic).
As a parent, they get on-the-job training in being flexible, dealing with change, being fair and impartial, getting and staying organized, following
more complicated schedules – and managing the new money arrangements. It’s not an easy task.
The Blending: Fairness to the Children:
Child rearing is a huge problem in blended families, but it's not the only issue in your marriage. Regardless
of your conflicts, however, you'll find that you can resolve them all when you have learned to negotiate.
Guidelines that will help you negotiate a consensual, mutually acceptable agreement:
Set ground rules to make negotiations pleasant and safe:
- There should be one rule for everyone!
Child rearing is a huge problem in blended families, but it's not the only issue in your marriage. Regardless
of your conflicts, however, you'll find that you can resolve them all when you have learned to negotiate.
Guidelines that will help you negotiate a consensual, mutually acceptable agreement:
Set ground rules to make negotiations pleasant and safe:
- Choose the solution that is appealing to both of you.
- The reason you argue is that you are incompatible --
- you have not learned how to act in the interest of both of you at the same time.
- That will come with time, patience, perseverance, and above all, respect, love and caring.
Blended Family: Blending - Merging - Combining Two Families
Helping People make sense of chaotic
lives: healing & recovery
lives: healing & recovery
| Dawn Cove Abbey Empowerment Outreach - New Beginning Online Information Resources, and other supports for Individuals, Couples and Families LIFE COUNSELING / COACHING / COUNSELLING and CONSULTING: HEALING YOUR WOUNDED INNER CHILD |
Empowerment: Counselling - Life Coaching,
Seminars, Workshops & Retreats
Seminars, Workshops & Retreats
| When life hurts - there is immediate help for long term hope |
Only the Wounded Heal; Only the Separated Reconcile
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Klaas Tuinman MA
Dawn Cove Abbey
Deerfield, (Yarmouth County) Nova Scotia, Canada 2008
If you found this helpful, or would like to suggest additional material, please let us know.
If you have a question, email us, please - it is free, and there is no obligation. We can help through Counselling (Distance Counselling Works!) see
Contact-Info for more detail and how to reach us. Also see the workshop page for the Blending Families workshop: workshops available anywhere.
Dawn Cove Abbey
Deerfield, (Yarmouth County) Nova Scotia, Canada 2008
If you found this helpful, or would like to suggest additional material, please let us know.
If you have a question, email us, please - it is free, and there is no obligation. We can help through Counselling (Distance Counselling Works!) see
Contact-Info for more detail and how to reach us. Also see the workshop page for the Blending Families workshop: workshops available anywhere.