| HEALTHY - FUNCTIONAL - HAPPY FAMILIES/RELATIONSHIPS A functional, adaptive, healthy & happy family starts with caring for one another in the family! However, there is an important consideration when reading the following - because ...... |
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Healthy, happy, adaptive and functional families do not just happen!
There are things people do to make them that way: that means people work at making them healthy and happy: they have
commitment - and are mutually committed to each other, and to making it work.
Healthy (happy) relationships do not happen on a 50-50 basis. They happen on a 100-100 basis - each has to give ALL of
their effort (100%), and sometimes 150% of their effort -to sustain the relationship and make it work - and it has to be done
unselfishly and without an agenda.
Healthy, happy & functional families are characterised by love, acceptance of individuality, trust, and continual "mutual
compromises" through negotiation to make those individual difference "work".
They blend their individuality, adjust and compromise - it is called consensus-building: that requires commitment.
First and foremost: a family's purpose (in western-european cultural terms) consists of the living, sharing, nourishing and
development of life.
In a healthy, happy and functional family, the adults (parents) have "their act together": they are the role-models; they
model behaviour: they are "adaptive" - and each has "worth".
Also see "Gender Equality".
They have, or have built, or are building, a strong, solid relationship.
All their actions in the family are generated from that strong, healthy relationship.
That doesn't mean they are both the "same".
There are things people do to make them that way: that means people work at making them healthy and happy: they have
commitment - and are mutually committed to each other, and to making it work.
Healthy (happy) relationships do not happen on a 50-50 basis. They happen on a 100-100 basis - each has to give ALL of
their effort (100%), and sometimes 150% of their effort -to sustain the relationship and make it work - and it has to be done
unselfishly and without an agenda.
Healthy, happy & functional families are characterised by love, acceptance of individuality, trust, and continual "mutual
compromises" through negotiation to make those individual difference "work".
They blend their individuality, adjust and compromise - it is called consensus-building: that requires commitment.
First and foremost: a family's purpose (in western-european cultural terms) consists of the living, sharing, nourishing and
development of life.
In a healthy, happy and functional family, the adults (parents) have "their act together": they are the role-models; they
model behaviour: they are "adaptive" - and each has "worth".
Also see "Gender Equality".
They have, or have built, or are building, a strong, solid relationship.
All their actions in the family are generated from that strong, healthy relationship.
That doesn't mean they are both the "same".
| Respect, Dignity, Equality |
| Healthy - Functional Family Equality of Personhood. |
Instead it means they have worked out an approach that incorporates their individual differences into a "new" unified, consistent, caring, loving
and respectful approach to each other, their children and other people: using consensus.
See further below (committed relationships)
This is equally true in blended, combined or merged families ("a meeting of two cultures").
Without that strong relationship between the two adults/parents, the family will not have the strength that is so important; otherwise there will
be failure: of both the relationship and the family.
The strength of a family stems from the strength of the relationship between the two adults/parents. After all, the family started with them, and
when the children are grown, it will be the two adults who are left. The question will be: with what? A good solid relationship that has grown
over time - or a disastrous, dysfunctional situation?
and respectful approach to each other, their children and other people: using consensus.
See further below (committed relationships)
This is equally true in blended, combined or merged families ("a meeting of two cultures").
Without that strong relationship between the two adults/parents, the family will not have the strength that is so important; otherwise there will
be failure: of both the relationship and the family.
The strength of a family stems from the strength of the relationship between the two adults/parents. After all, the family started with them, and
when the children are grown, it will be the two adults who are left. The question will be: with what? A good solid relationship that has grown
over time - or a disastrous, dysfunctional situation?
- If you have a question about healthy/happy families, or a related one, or
- If any of the above (or below) does NOT apply to you and your life, or of someone you know, and you desire help: online - distance
help/counselling works (see Contact & Info). Help is here - no risk - no obligation to inquire - totally confidential!
Klaas Tuinman MA
Dawn Cove Abbey
Deerfield, (Yarmouth County) Nova Scotia, Canada (2004-2008)
Dawn Cove Abbey
Deerfield, (Yarmouth County) Nova Scotia, Canada (2004-2008)
| Communication in Relationships & Families. CLICK to read. |
The opposite to a functional family is the dysfunctional family - to compare see "Dysfunctional Family" and
"Codependency" (please remember the cultural/community-based "standard")
For detail on what is considered abuse and violence, see "Violence & Abuse" (culture/community)
To compare Healthy relationships to Unhealthy ones: see Relationship-Compare
Help is available here: coaching & Workshops for those wanting to make the transition to a Functional, Healthy Family
For more information Write or call without obligation - see "Contact-Info", or email outreach@dawncoveabbey.org
"Codependency" (please remember the cultural/community-based "standard")
For detail on what is considered abuse and violence, see "Violence & Abuse" (culture/community)
To compare Healthy relationships to Unhealthy ones: see Relationship-Compare
Help is available here: coaching & Workshops for those wanting to make the transition to a Functional, Healthy Family
For more information Write or call without obligation - see "Contact-Info", or email outreach@dawncoveabbey.org
| Profile and Secrets of Healthy, Functional, Adaptive & Happy Families & Relationships |
| Healthy, Happy Family and Relationship: Traits and Characteristics |
Helping People make sense of chaotic
lives: healing & recovery
lives: healing & recovery
Empowerment: Counselling - Life Coaching,
Seminars, Workshops & Retreats
Seminars, Workshops & Retreats
| When life hurts - there is immediate help for long term hope |
Only the Wounded Heal; Only the Separated Reconcile
| Dawn Cove Abbey Empowerment Outreach - New Beginning Online Information Resources, and other supports for Individuals, Couples and Families LIFE COUNSELING / COACHING / COUNSELLING and CONSULTING: HEALING YOUR WOUNDED INNER CHILD |
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The ingredients (characteristics / secrets) for happy, healthy and functional families involve the following:
For more on this, see our "Creating A Healthy/Functional Relationship/Family" Seminars-Workshops
Also read - "If I Really Cared"
Healthy, functional families are a "minority group" - a "subculture" within the dominant culture of dysfunction.
- Young children, adolescents and parents all need to hear praise and feel affirmation from those special members of their family.
- The younger child develops positive feelings about her/hisself from those showing care.
- The adolescent strengthens his/her self-concept from the healthy statements or gestures showing care.
- How do we reach out to our family showing care and love? What are loving and caring words or gestures?
- In healthy families, support for family members is one of the pillars of bonding.
- In unhealthy families there is no such support - they are called "dysfunctional families" - or dysfunctional relationships.
For more on this, see our "Creating A Healthy/Functional Relationship/Family" Seminars-Workshops
Also read - "If I Really Cared"
Healthy, functional families are a "minority group" - a "subculture" within the dominant culture of dysfunction.
Enhancing Your Emotionally Committed Relationship
“To become acquainted with oneself is a terrible shock.” – Carl Jung
Emotionally committed relationships bring excitement and passion into our lives, especially when they are new. Over time, however, we come across
roadblocks based in personal issues that can distance us from our partners. When we first enter into a committed relationship, we may think that we
have found the answer to life’s problems, that we have a partner to share in daily turmoil, that we will never be alone again, that it will be smooth
sailing from here on out.
If we base relationships on these assumptions, however, we may be sorely disappointed when our partners fail to live up to these expectations. There
is a strong probability that if we look to another person to provide fulfillment, we will begin to focus on the failings of that person as the cause of our
own disappointment. This pattern is the reason for a great deal of discord in committed relationships. Many people who come in for relationship
therapy actually hope that the therapy will change their partner because they are convinced that the partner is the source of the problem.
Over time many relationships enter a stage where the partners feel distanced from each other. The initial passion, sexual freedom, intimacy, and
feelings of connectedness with the partner fade. Either person may begin to feel that, although they love their partner, they are no longer “in love.” At
the same time, both partners may feel that they have lost themselves in the relationship.
They have given so much to the relationship in terms of their time, their energies, and their emotions that they have lost what made them feel unique
as individuals. They have abandoned old friendships, hobbies, and activities that brought interest and excitement to their own lives in order to devote
time and energy to the relationship. When a feeling of distance comes to define the relationship, resentment toward the partner may emerge.
How does a relationship, which may have once shown such promise, end up in a place where the two partners feel distant and may not even like each
other very much (even though they feel that love is still there)? The answer lies within. Two people who come together in an emotional commitment
carry with them a legacy of their own fears, anxieties and unresolved problems. It is sometimes uncomfortable for us to come to terms with our own
baggage. It is, in fact, so troublesome that we are unable to look within ourselves.
When that happens, we tend to attribute the problem to our partners, a process called projection. Rather than accepting the fact that our partners are
just being themselves and probably have the best of intentions, we define the source of our own anxiety as lying within the other person. When we
feel uncomfortable about something our partners say or do, we may not realize that our discomfort may derive from a source that we have not
examined within ourselves – like our own control issues, our jealousy, our insecurity, or our fear of dependence or independence.
Our partners may simply be triggering our own unresolved difficulties. The clue is to search within our own lives to see why we have difficulty with
these issues. And this is no small task. To become acquainted with oneself is indeed a terrible shock.
The Course of a Relationship
Relationships mature over time. The initial attraction may be physical, and this may carry the relationship for some time to the point of making an
emotional commitment. Then the excitement and promise of sharing our life with another person can lead to a stage of heightened expectations where
we ignore or minimize the discomfort that we may feel from time to time in the relationship.
But this stage comes to an end and we finally express our frustration. “Why are you always telling me what to do?” “Can’t you give me any time to
myself?” “Don’t you know who I am?” “Why don’t you shower me with love like you used to?” Notice in these examples that blame is cast on the
other person.
The one hurling the blame does not look within (for example, “I have difficulty because of my own issues when someone tells me what to do.”). This
is a particularly vulnerable stage in the course of an emotionally committed relationship, and can serve as a make or break challenge. It is at this stage
that an equilibrium – or, more accurately, a standoff – is reached by the two partners. “I won’t challenge you and you won’t challenge me, and we’ll
just accept the fact that we will be distant from each other.”
In contrast, healthier relationships move into a different and more mature stage - where both partners look within to find the source of their own
anxiety, find ways to soothe themselves without trying to change the other person, and learn to accept and love the other person despite their
frustrating quirks. When this occurs, and when the distance between the partners has been resolved, the genuine excitement and passion of the
relationship can continue to flourish - this time in a mature, accepting, and integrated manner.
Differentiation
David Schnarch, Ph.D., the author of Passionate Marriage, suggests that in order to grow within an emotionally committed relationship, we must
experience the process of “differentiation.” This means holding onto yourself within a relationship, staying true to what you want out of life while
sharing your life with a partner.
Differentiation allows us to break free from the negative processes that happen between partners in any relationship. It allows us to take a time out
from arguments in order to comfort ourselves. It leads to self-control, which means that we can stop trying to control our partners. The differentiated
partner is able to soothe him- or herself rather than pressuring the other person to change in order to make the first one feel better. Paradoxically,
when partners differentiate, they actually have the ability to achieve more intimacy, while undifferentiated partners can stay locked in their emotional
standoff.
And when one partner differentiates, it upsets the old equilibrium that had developed so that the other partner is prompted to make changes as well.
In short, a healthy relationship is one in which two people, each of whom has a firm sense of self, come together and celebrate both their differences
and their similarities.
Schnarch identifies several activities that happen when a person differentiates.
Learn to Self-Soothe in the Face of Conflict
We blame our partners when we feel discomfort, and this tends to create distance within an emotionally committed relationship. The distance, then,
creates a feeling of further discomfort. The clue to dealing with this dilemma is to learn how to soothe your own emotional pain. This can open the
way to more passion and closeness in your relationship.
Schnarch offers several suggestions for helping people to learn the art of self-soothing.
Hope this article helps you to think about your relationship in a new way!
Best wishes,
~Donna Bellafiore
“To become acquainted with oneself is a terrible shock.” – Carl Jung
Emotionally committed relationships bring excitement and passion into our lives, especially when they are new. Over time, however, we come across
roadblocks based in personal issues that can distance us from our partners. When we first enter into a committed relationship, we may think that we
have found the answer to life’s problems, that we have a partner to share in daily turmoil, that we will never be alone again, that it will be smooth
sailing from here on out.
If we base relationships on these assumptions, however, we may be sorely disappointed when our partners fail to live up to these expectations. There
is a strong probability that if we look to another person to provide fulfillment, we will begin to focus on the failings of that person as the cause of our
own disappointment. This pattern is the reason for a great deal of discord in committed relationships. Many people who come in for relationship
therapy actually hope that the therapy will change their partner because they are convinced that the partner is the source of the problem.
Over time many relationships enter a stage where the partners feel distanced from each other. The initial passion, sexual freedom, intimacy, and
feelings of connectedness with the partner fade. Either person may begin to feel that, although they love their partner, they are no longer “in love.” At
the same time, both partners may feel that they have lost themselves in the relationship.
They have given so much to the relationship in terms of their time, their energies, and their emotions that they have lost what made them feel unique
as individuals. They have abandoned old friendships, hobbies, and activities that brought interest and excitement to their own lives in order to devote
time and energy to the relationship. When a feeling of distance comes to define the relationship, resentment toward the partner may emerge.
How does a relationship, which may have once shown such promise, end up in a place where the two partners feel distant and may not even like each
other very much (even though they feel that love is still there)? The answer lies within. Two people who come together in an emotional commitment
carry with them a legacy of their own fears, anxieties and unresolved problems. It is sometimes uncomfortable for us to come to terms with our own
baggage. It is, in fact, so troublesome that we are unable to look within ourselves.
When that happens, we tend to attribute the problem to our partners, a process called projection. Rather than accepting the fact that our partners are
just being themselves and probably have the best of intentions, we define the source of our own anxiety as lying within the other person. When we
feel uncomfortable about something our partners say or do, we may not realize that our discomfort may derive from a source that we have not
examined within ourselves – like our own control issues, our jealousy, our insecurity, or our fear of dependence or independence.
Our partners may simply be triggering our own unresolved difficulties. The clue is to search within our own lives to see why we have difficulty with
these issues. And this is no small task. To become acquainted with oneself is indeed a terrible shock.
The Course of a Relationship
Relationships mature over time. The initial attraction may be physical, and this may carry the relationship for some time to the point of making an
emotional commitment. Then the excitement and promise of sharing our life with another person can lead to a stage of heightened expectations where
we ignore or minimize the discomfort that we may feel from time to time in the relationship.
But this stage comes to an end and we finally express our frustration. “Why are you always telling me what to do?” “Can’t you give me any time to
myself?” “Don’t you know who I am?” “Why don’t you shower me with love like you used to?” Notice in these examples that blame is cast on the
other person.
The one hurling the blame does not look within (for example, “I have difficulty because of my own issues when someone tells me what to do.”). This
is a particularly vulnerable stage in the course of an emotionally committed relationship, and can serve as a make or break challenge. It is at this stage
that an equilibrium – or, more accurately, a standoff – is reached by the two partners. “I won’t challenge you and you won’t challenge me, and we’ll
just accept the fact that we will be distant from each other.”
In contrast, healthier relationships move into a different and more mature stage - where both partners look within to find the source of their own
anxiety, find ways to soothe themselves without trying to change the other person, and learn to accept and love the other person despite their
frustrating quirks. When this occurs, and when the distance between the partners has been resolved, the genuine excitement and passion of the
relationship can continue to flourish - this time in a mature, accepting, and integrated manner.
Differentiation
David Schnarch, Ph.D., the author of Passionate Marriage, suggests that in order to grow within an emotionally committed relationship, we must
experience the process of “differentiation.” This means holding onto yourself within a relationship, staying true to what you want out of life while
sharing your life with a partner.
Differentiation allows us to break free from the negative processes that happen between partners in any relationship. It allows us to take a time out
from arguments in order to comfort ourselves. It leads to self-control, which means that we can stop trying to control our partners. The differentiated
partner is able to soothe him- or herself rather than pressuring the other person to change in order to make the first one feel better. Paradoxically,
when partners differentiate, they actually have the ability to achieve more intimacy, while undifferentiated partners can stay locked in their emotional
standoff.
And when one partner differentiates, it upsets the old equilibrium that had developed so that the other partner is prompted to make changes as well.
In short, a healthy relationship is one in which two people, each of whom has a firm sense of self, come together and celebrate both their differences
and their similarities.
Schnarch identifies several activities that happen when a person differentiates.
- Maintaining a clear sense of who you are within the relationship. Your partner was probably originally attracted to you because of the
strength of your unique qualities. Both of you knew what you valued and believed in. Over time, because we accommodate ourselves to both
our own and our partner’s more immature qualities and unresolved issues, we lose our sense of uniqueness. We compromise ourselves with
the goal of smoothing out conflicts and fail to realize that we are losing our sense of self in the process. We may find that we have lost those
qualities that were once so attractive to our partner. Differentiation involves looking within, gaining a firm definition of who we are, and
celebrating our uniqueness.
- Maintaining a sense of perspective. We need to accept the fact that we all have anxieties and other shortcomings. This is part of the human
condition. The mature person, however, understands that these frailties need not determine our behavior. Our limits should neither
incapacitate nor drive us. When we honestly accept this fact both in ourselves and in our partners, we can take a more balanced approach in
dealing with each other’s limitations. The peaks and valleys of crises can be smoothed out. The blaming can come to an end, replaced by
acceptance and love for the other person.
- Committing to a willingness to engage in self-confrontation. Looking within is difficult, but it is a necessary step both in our own life
development and in helping our relationships to grow to new levels. Self-confrontation means coming to terms with our own fears, anxieties,
and insecurities, a process that may be aided by professional psychotherapy. It may mean accepting the criticisms of our partners as valuable
feedback about where our insecurities lie. Self-examination can focus on understanding how and why we manipulate others, undermine our
own effectiveness, take a selfish approach at times (or, alternatively, give to others and never to ourselves), and work against our own best
interests. We need to understand why we avoid ourselves, and then we need to make an honest commitment to enter into a path of honesty
and integrity.
- Acknowledging our projections and distortions of reality that protect us from ourselves. We need to understand why we blame others,
especially our emotionally committed partners, rather than acknowledging our own participation in interpersonal conflicts. This involves
admitting when we are wrong. We should not expect that our partners will do likewise. Taking an honest approach toward our own lives is a
tough, but rewarding, journey into personal integrity. When we embark on the trip, our partners, who are no longer feeling blamed and know
that the old emotional standoffs have been eliminated, will often decide to begin their own excursions into self-growth.
- Learning to tolerate the pain involved in self-exploration. Dealing with emotional pain is a talent, which can be learned. In childhood many of
us learned unhealthy ways of handling discomfort, often because we lacked supportive role modeling from our parents or other adults that
would have taught us how to deal with pain in a healthier way. We may have learned to blame our parents when we faced life’s difficulties,
and then we carry this blaming behavior into our committed relationships in adulthood. Avoiding pain is the reason many adults indulge in
substance abuse or other addictive behaviors such as gambling, inordinate spending, or watching too much television. The healthier option is
to make the adult commitment to explore the pain and its sources – and to find ways to make self-growth a friend rather than something to
avoid. When we learn to cope with our own pain, we no longer need to manipulate our partners into making us feel better. And when this
happens, the magic can re-enter our relationships.
Learn to Self-Soothe in the Face of Conflict
We blame our partners when we feel discomfort, and this tends to create distance within an emotionally committed relationship. The distance, then,
creates a feeling of further discomfort. The clue to dealing with this dilemma is to learn how to soothe your own emotional pain. This can open the
way to more passion and closeness in your relationship.
Schnarch offers several suggestions for helping people to learn the art of self-soothing.
- Don’t take your partner’s behavior personally. Even if your partner doesn’t make all the changes that you’ve made, it should not be taken
personally. If you and your partner are having a conflict, try some inwardly focused relaxation techniques. Focus on your breathing. Stop
talking and try to slow your heart rate. Lower the volume of your speech and work on relaxing your body.
- Put the current conflict into perspective. Think about past instances of the same type of conflict. What resources did you use in the past for
dealing with the conflict? Think about how discomfort will surface again in the future - and if you learn now how to deal with it, you will be
better off in these future instances.
- Control your behavior, even if you can’t regulate your emotions. While we may have difficulty in controlling our emotions, especially in the
face of a conflict, we can have control over our behavior. Prevent yourself from saying and doing things that you will regret later.
- Stop the negative thinking. Our thoughts drive our feelings and behavior. When you find yourself engaged in negative thinking, make the
change to more positive thoughts. Accept what is happening and then calm down.
- You may have to break contact temporarily with your partner until things cool down. When you are engaged in a conflict, you may need
some time to get in touch with your self again. Look on this as a time-out, not a separation. Tell your partner that you need some time alone
to calm down and that you can discuss the issue better later, after both of you have had some space from each other.
- Self-soothing does not involve substance abuse, the abuse of food, or emotional regression. You need time to confront yourself and
understand what your part in the conflict may be. This does not mean hiding out, sleeping, binge-eating, or the use of drugs or alcohol, which
are all ways to avoid self-confrontation.
Hope this article helps you to think about your relationship in a new way!
Best wishes,
~Donna Bellafiore