| HEALTHY - FUNCTIONAL - HAPPY FAMILIES/RELATIONSHIPS A functional, adaptive, healthy & happy family starts with caring for one another in the family! |
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Healthy, happy, adaptive and functional families do not just
happen!
There are things people do to make them that way: that means
people work at making them healthy and happy: they have
commitment - and are mutually committed to each other, and to
making it work.
Healthy (happy) relationships do not happen on a 50-50 basis.
They happen on a 100-100 basis - each has to give ALL of their
effort (100%), and sometimes 150% of their effort -to sustain
the relationship and make it work - and it has to be done
unselfishly and without an agenda.
Healthy, happy & functional families are characterised by love,
acceptance of individuality, trust, and continual "mutual
compromises" through negotiation to make those individual
difference "work".
They blend their individuality, adjust and compromise - it is
called consensus-building: that requires commitment.
First and foremost: a family's purpose (in Western-European
and North American cultural terms) consists of the living,
sharing, nourishing and development of life.
In a healthy, happy and functional family, the adults (parents)
have "their act together": they are the role-models; they model
behaviour: they are "adaptive" - and each has "worth". Also see
"Gender Equality".
They have, or have built, or are building, a strong, solid
relationship. All their actions in the family are generated from
that strong, healthy relationship.
That doesn't mean they are both the "same".
happen!
There are things people do to make them that way: that means
people work at making them healthy and happy: they have
commitment - and are mutually committed to each other, and to
making it work.
Healthy (happy) relationships do not happen on a 50-50 basis.
They happen on a 100-100 basis - each has to give ALL of their
effort (100%), and sometimes 150% of their effort -to sustain
the relationship and make it work - and it has to be done
unselfishly and without an agenda.
Healthy, happy & functional families are characterised by love,
acceptance of individuality, trust, and continual "mutual
compromises" through negotiation to make those individual
difference "work".
They blend their individuality, adjust and compromise - it is
called consensus-building: that requires commitment.
First and foremost: a family's purpose (in Western-European
and North American cultural terms) consists of the living,
sharing, nourishing and development of life.
In a healthy, happy and functional family, the adults (parents)
have "their act together": they are the role-models; they model
behaviour: they are "adaptive" - and each has "worth". Also see
"Gender Equality".
They have, or have built, or are building, a strong, solid
relationship. All their actions in the family are generated from
that strong, healthy relationship.
That doesn't mean they are both the "same".
| Respect, Dignity, Equality |
| Healthy - Functional Family Equality of Personhood. |
Instead it means they have worked out an approach that
incorporates their individual differences into a "new" unified,
consistent, caring, loving and respectful approach to each other,
their children and other people: using consensus.
See further below (committed relationships)
This is equally true in blended, combined or merged families ("a
meeting of two cultures").
Without that strong relationship between the two
adults/parents, the family will not have the strength that is so
important; otherwise there will be failure: of both the
relationship and the family.
incorporates their individual differences into a "new" unified,
consistent, caring, loving and respectful approach to each other,
their children and other people: using consensus.
See further below (committed relationships)
This is equally true in blended, combined or merged families ("a
meeting of two cultures").
Without that strong relationship between the two
adults/parents, the family will not have the strength that is so
important; otherwise there will be failure: of both the
relationship and the family.
Dawn Cove Abbey
Deerfield, (Yarmouth County) Nova Scotia, Canada
2010
Deerfield, (Yarmouth County) Nova Scotia, Canada
2010
| Communication in Relationships & Families. CLICK to read. |
The opposite to a functional family is the dysfunctional family - to compare see
"Dysfunctional Family" and "Codependency" (please remember the
cultural/community-based "standard")
For details on what is considered abuse and violence, see "Violence & Abuse"
(culture/community)
To compare Healthy relationships to Unhealthy ones: see Relationship-Compare
"Dysfunctional Family" and "Codependency" (please remember the
cultural/community-based "standard")
For details on what is considered abuse and violence, see "Violence & Abuse"
(culture/community)
To compare Healthy relationships to Unhealthy ones: see Relationship-Compare
| Profile and Secrets of Healthy, Functional, Adaptive & Happy Families & Relationships |
| Healthy, Happy Family and Relationship Traits and Characteristics |
The ingredients (characteristics / secrets) for happy, healthy and functional families involve the following:
For more on this, see our "Creating A Healthy/Functional Relationship/Family" Retreats-Workshops
Also read - "If I Really Cared"
Healthy, functional families are a "minority group" - a "subculture"
within the dominant culture of dysfunction.
- Young children, adolescents and parents all need to hear praise and feel affirmation from those
special members of their family. - The adolescent strengthens his/her self-concept from the healthy statements or gestures showing
care. - How do we reach out to our family showing care and love? What are loving and caring words or
gestures? - In healthy families, support for family members is one of the pillars of bonding.
- In unhealthy families there is no such support - they are called "dysfunctional families" - or
dysfunctional relationships.
For more on this, see our "Creating A Healthy/Functional Relationship/Family" Retreats-Workshops
Also read - "If I Really Cared"
Healthy, functional families are a "minority group" - a "subculture"
within the dominant culture of dysfunction.
Other Considerations In Healthy Committed Relationships
Over time many relationships enter a stage where the partners feel distanced from each other. The initial
passion, sexual freedom, intimacy, and feelings of connectedness with the partner fade. Either person may
begin to feel that, although they love their partner, they are no longer “in love.”
At the same time, both partners may feel that they have lost themselves in the relationship.
They have given so much to the relationship in terms of their time, their energies, and their emotions that
they have lost what made them feel unique as individuals. They have abandoned old friendships, hobbies, and
activities that brought interest and excitement to their own lives in order to devote time and energy to the
relationship.
When a feeling of distance comes to define the relationship, resentment toward the partner may emerge.
How does a relationship, which may have once shown such promise, end up in a place where the two partners
feel distant and may not even like each other very much (even though they feel that love is still there)?
The answer lies within.
Two people who come together in an emotional commitment carry with them a legacy of their own fears,
anxieties and unresolved problems.
It is sometimes uncomfortable for us to come to terms with our own baggage. It is, in fact, so troublesome
that we are unable to look within ourselves.
When that happens, we tend to attribute the problem to our partners, a process called projection (putting
blame that belongs to us on others instead).
Rather than accepting the fact that our partners are just being themselves and probably have the best of
intentions, we define the source of our own anxiety as lying within the other person.
Over time many relationships enter a stage where the partners feel distanced from each other. The initial
passion, sexual freedom, intimacy, and feelings of connectedness with the partner fade. Either person may
begin to feel that, although they love their partner, they are no longer “in love.”
At the same time, both partners may feel that they have lost themselves in the relationship.
They have given so much to the relationship in terms of their time, their energies, and their emotions that
they have lost what made them feel unique as individuals. They have abandoned old friendships, hobbies, and
activities that brought interest and excitement to their own lives in order to devote time and energy to the
relationship.
When a feeling of distance comes to define the relationship, resentment toward the partner may emerge.
How does a relationship, which may have once shown such promise, end up in a place where the two partners
feel distant and may not even like each other very much (even though they feel that love is still there)?
The answer lies within.
Two people who come together in an emotional commitment carry with them a legacy of their own fears,
anxieties and unresolved problems.
It is sometimes uncomfortable for us to come to terms with our own baggage. It is, in fact, so troublesome
that we are unable to look within ourselves.
When that happens, we tend to attribute the problem to our partners, a process called projection (putting
blame that belongs to us on others instead).
Rather than accepting the fact that our partners are just being themselves and probably have the best of
intentions, we define the source of our own anxiety as lying within the other person.
"In the case of a married couple, the masculine and feminine element united by
true married love produce one life that is fully human". ~Emanuel Swedenborg
true married love produce one life that is fully human". ~Emanuel Swedenborg
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Seminars - Workshops -
Lectures - Online email
(tele-video conferencing),
(Life Coaching),
Resources
Lectures - Online email
(tele-video conferencing),
(Life Coaching),
Resources
a Dawn Cove Abbey Resource
Healing
outreach
around
the world
outreach
around
the world
It takes TWO people to make a relationship work
If one "knows" how and tries - and the other doesn't it will fail
We help people heal their Relationships
IF YOU NEED HELP WITH YOUR LIFE SITUATION
Let us help you find long-term resolution for your problems - and
assist you in your Emotional, Mental and Spiritual Healing.
If your Relationship needs healing - we can help
Email, call or write - Today
If one "knows" how and tries - and the other doesn't it will fail
We help people heal their Relationships
IF YOU NEED HELP WITH YOUR LIFE SITUATION
Let us help you find long-term resolution for your problems - and
assist you in your Emotional, Mental and Spiritual Healing.
If your Relationship needs healing - we can help
Email, call or write - Today
When we feel uncomfortable about something our partners say or do, we may not realize that our
discomfort may insecurity, or our fear of dependence or independence.
Our partners may simply be triggering our own unresolved difficulties. The clue is to search within our own
lives to see why we have difficulty with these issues. And this is no small task. To become acquainted with
oneself is indeed a terrible shock.
The Course of a Relationship
Relationships mature over time.
The initial attraction may be physical, and this may carry the relationship for some time to the point of
making an emotional commitment.
Then the excitement and promise of sharing our life with another person can lead to a stage of heightened
expectations where we ignore or minimize the discomfort that we may feel from time to time in the
relationship.
But this stage comes to an end and we finally express our frustration.
“Why are you always telling me what to do?”
“Can’t you give me any time to myself?”
“Don’t you know who I am?”
“Why don’t you shower me with love like you used to?”
Notice in these examples that blame is cast on the other person.
The one hurling the blame does not look within (for example, “I have difficulty because of my own issues
when someone tells me what to do.”). This is a particularly vulnerable stage in the course of an emotionally
committed relationship, and can serve as a make or break challenge.
It is at this stage that an equilibrium – or, more accurately, a standoff – is reached by the two partners. “I
won’t challenge you and you won’t challenge me, and we’ll just accept the fact that we will be distant from
each other.”
In contrast, healthier relationships move into a different and more mature stage - where both partners
look within to find the source of their own anxiety, find ways to soothe themselves without trying to
change the other person, and learn to accept and love the other person despite their frustrating quirks.
When this occurs, and when the distance between the partners has been resolved, the genuine excitement
and passion of the relationship can continue to flourish - this time in a mature, accepting, and integrated
manner.
Differentiation
David Schnarch, Ph.D., the author of Passionate Marriage, suggests that in order to grow within an
emotionally committed relationship, we must experience the process of “differentiation.” This means
holding onto yourself within a relationship, staying true to what you want out of life while sharing your life
with a partner.
Differentiation allows us to break free from the negative processes that happen between partners in any
relationship. It allows us to take a time out from arguments in order to comfort ourselves. It leads to self-
control, which means that we can stop trying to control our partners.
The differentiated partner is able to soothe him- or herself rather than pressuring the other person to
change in order to make the first one feel better. Paradoxically, when partners differentiate, they
actually have the ability to achieve more intimacy, while undifferentiated partners can stay locked in their
emotional standoff.
And when one partner differentiates, it upsets the old equilibrium that had developed so that the other
partner is prompted to make changes as well. In short, a healthy relationship is one in which two people,
each of whom has a firm sense of self, come together and celebrate both their differences and their
similarities.
Schnarch identifies several activities that happen when a person differentiates.
Learn to Self-Soothe in the Face of Conflict
We blame our partners when we feel discomfort, and this tends to create distance within an emotionally
committed relationship. The distance, then, creates a feeling of further discomfort. The clue to dealing
with this dilemma is to learn how to soothe your own emotional pain. This can open the way to more passion
and closeness in your relationship.
Schnarch offers several suggestions for helping people to learn the art of self-soothing.
I hope this article helps you to think about your relationship in a new way!
(also see Love, Infatuation Obsession etc)
Best wishes,
~Donna Bellafiore
discomfort may insecurity, or our fear of dependence or independence.
Our partners may simply be triggering our own unresolved difficulties. The clue is to search within our own
lives to see why we have difficulty with these issues. And this is no small task. To become acquainted with
oneself is indeed a terrible shock.
The Course of a Relationship
Relationships mature over time.
The initial attraction may be physical, and this may carry the relationship for some time to the point of
making an emotional commitment.
Then the excitement and promise of sharing our life with another person can lead to a stage of heightened
expectations where we ignore or minimize the discomfort that we may feel from time to time in the
relationship.
But this stage comes to an end and we finally express our frustration.
“Why are you always telling me what to do?”
“Can’t you give me any time to myself?”
“Don’t you know who I am?”
“Why don’t you shower me with love like you used to?”
Notice in these examples that blame is cast on the other person.
The one hurling the blame does not look within (for example, “I have difficulty because of my own issues
when someone tells me what to do.”). This is a particularly vulnerable stage in the course of an emotionally
committed relationship, and can serve as a make or break challenge.
It is at this stage that an equilibrium – or, more accurately, a standoff – is reached by the two partners. “I
won’t challenge you and you won’t challenge me, and we’ll just accept the fact that we will be distant from
each other.”
In contrast, healthier relationships move into a different and more mature stage - where both partners
look within to find the source of their own anxiety, find ways to soothe themselves without trying to
change the other person, and learn to accept and love the other person despite their frustrating quirks.
When this occurs, and when the distance between the partners has been resolved, the genuine excitement
and passion of the relationship can continue to flourish - this time in a mature, accepting, and integrated
manner.
Differentiation
David Schnarch, Ph.D., the author of Passionate Marriage, suggests that in order to grow within an
emotionally committed relationship, we must experience the process of “differentiation.” This means
holding onto yourself within a relationship, staying true to what you want out of life while sharing your life
with a partner.
Differentiation allows us to break free from the negative processes that happen between partners in any
relationship. It allows us to take a time out from arguments in order to comfort ourselves. It leads to self-
control, which means that we can stop trying to control our partners.
The differentiated partner is able to soothe him- or herself rather than pressuring the other person to
change in order to make the first one feel better. Paradoxically, when partners differentiate, they
actually have the ability to achieve more intimacy, while undifferentiated partners can stay locked in their
emotional standoff.
And when one partner differentiates, it upsets the old equilibrium that had developed so that the other
partner is prompted to make changes as well. In short, a healthy relationship is one in which two people,
each of whom has a firm sense of self, come together and celebrate both their differences and their
similarities.
Schnarch identifies several activities that happen when a person differentiates.
- Maintaining a clear sense of who you are within the relationship. Your partner was probably originally
attracted to you because of the strength of your unique qualities. Both of you knew what you valued
and believed in. Over time, because we accommodate ourselves to both our own and our partner’s
more immature qualities and unresolved issues, we lose our sense of uniqueness.
- We compromise ourselves with the goal of smoothing out conflicts and fail to realize that we are
losing our sense of self in the process. We may find that we have lost those qualities that were once
so attractive to our partner. Differentiation involves looking within, gaining a firm definition of who
we are, and celebrating our uniqueness.
- Maintaining a sense of perspective. We need to accept the fact that we all have anxieties and other
shortcomings. This is part of the human condition. The mature person, however, understands that
these frailties need not determine our behavior.
- Our limits should neither incapacitate nor drive us. When we honestly accept this fact both in
ourselves and in our partners, we can take a more balanced approach in dealing with each other’s
limitations. The peaks and valleys of crises can be smoothed out. The blaming can come to an end,
replaced by acceptance and love for the other person.
- Committing to a willingness to engage in self-confrontation. Looking within is difficult, but it is a
necessary step both in our own life development and in helping our relationships to grow to new
levels. Self-confrontation means coming to terms with our own fears, anxieties, and insecurities, a
process that may be aided by professional psychotherapy.
- It may mean accepting the criticisms of our partners as valuable feedback about where our
insecurities lie.
- Self-examination can focus on understanding how and why we manipulate others, undermine our own
effectiveness, take a selfish approach at times (or, alternatively, give to others and never to
ourselves), and work against our own best interests. We need to understand why we avoid ourselves,
and then we need to make an honest commitment to enter into a path of honesty and integrity.
- Acknowledging our projections and distortions of reality that protect us from ourselves. We need to
understand why we blame others, especially our emotionally committed partners, rather than
acknowledging our own participation in interpersonal conflicts.
- This involves admitting when we are wrong. We should not expect that our partners will do likewise.
Taking an honest approach toward our own lives is a tough, but rewarding, journey into personal
integrity.
- When we embark on the trip, our partners, who are no longer feeling blamed and know that the old
emotional standoffs have been eliminated, will often decide to begin their own excursions into self-
growth.
- Learning to tolerate the pain involved in self-exploration. Dealing with emotional pain is a talent,
which can be learned. In childhood many of us learned unhealthy ways of handling discomfort, often
because we lacked supportive role modeling from our parents or other adults that would have taught
us how to deal with pain in a healthier way.
- We may have learned to blame our parents when we faced life’s difficulties, and then we carry this
blaming behavior into our committed relationships in adulthood. Avoiding pain is the reason many
adults indulge in substance abuse or other addictive behaviors such as gambling, inordinate spending,
or watching too much television.
- The healthier option is to make the adult commitment to explore the pain and its sources – and to
find ways to make self-growth a friend rather than something to avoid. When we learn to cope with
our own pain, we no longer need to manipulate our partners into making us feel better. And when this
happens, the magic can re-enter our relationships.
Learn to Self-Soothe in the Face of Conflict
We blame our partners when we feel discomfort, and this tends to create distance within an emotionally
committed relationship. The distance, then, creates a feeling of further discomfort. The clue to dealing
with this dilemma is to learn how to soothe your own emotional pain. This can open the way to more passion
and closeness in your relationship.
Schnarch offers several suggestions for helping people to learn the art of self-soothing.
- Don’t take your partner’s behavior personally. Even if your partner doesn’t make all the changes that
you’ve made, it should not be taken personally.
- If you and your partner are having a conflict, try some inwardly focused relaxation techniques. Focus
on your breathing. Stop talking and try to slow your heart rate. Lower the volume of your speech and
work on relaxing your body.
- Put the current conflict into perspective. Think about past instances of the same type of conflict.
What resources did you use in the past for dealing with the conflict? Think about how discomfort will
surface again in the future - and if you learn now how to deal with it, you will be better off in these
future instances.
- Control your behavior, even if you can’t regulate your emotions. While we may have difficulty in
controlling our emotions, especially in the face of a conflict, we can have control over our behavior.
Prevent yourself from saying and doing things that you will regret later.
- Tell yourself: “I don’t have to take action on my feelings.”
- Stop the negative thinking. Our thoughts drive our feelings and behavior. When you find yourself
engaged in negative thinking, make the change to more positive thoughts. Accept what is happening
and then calm down.
- You may have to break contact temporarily with your partner until things cool down. When you are
engaged in a conflict, you may need some time to get in touch with your self again. Look on this as a
time-out, not a separation. Tell your partner that you need some time alone to calm down and that
you can discuss the issue better later, after both of you have had some space from each other.
- Self-soothing does not involve substance abuse, the abuse of food, or emotional regression. You need
time to confront yourself and understand what your part in the conflict may be. This does not mean
hiding out, sleeping, binge-eating, or the use of drugs or alcohol, which are all ways to avoid self-
confrontation.
I hope this article helps you to think about your relationship in a new way!
(also see Love, Infatuation Obsession etc)
Best wishes,
~Donna Bellafiore
| Follow-up and Support Counseling to Seminars & Workshops Dawn Cove Abbey Empowerment Outreach is a registered (not for profit) business in the province of Nova Scotia, Canada |
| Established in 1995, in commemoration of Abbey Dawn in Kingston, Ontario. |
| COUNSELING: LIFE COACHING and CONSULTING Online Distance and Tele-Counseling 24/7 Because life's crisis and upsets don't always happen at convenient times HEALING YOUR WOUNDED INNER CHILD Specializing in helping Adult Children of Alcoholic/Dysfunctional Families ____________________________________________________ Call or write today to start your healing |
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To round it all out, Dawn Cove Abbey provides personal guidance for growth, information
files that exist on this website - the information is free and available to all.
I sincerely hope that you take the Less Travelled Road
and that it brings awakening and healing to you.
files that exist on this website - the information is free and available to all.
I sincerely hope that you take the Less Travelled Road
and that it brings awakening and healing to you.
Characteristics of Healthy Families
Basic Orientation:
Family atmosphere is influenced by a belief in helping each other, acknowledging human needs for
reassurance and support, and viewing mistakes as human. Family members know that human needs
are satisfied through relationship.
Boundaries:
Clear boundaries between family members means that the responsibilities of adults are clear
and separate from the responsibilities of the growing child(ren). There are no “parentified”
children in the family, and people talk freely for themselves, expressing differences of feelings
and opinions without fear of punishment or retaliation.
Power and Intimacy:
People are able to relate intimately when they feel they have equal power. This is because when
we get frightened, two options are open to us: to relate through loving and caring to get our
needs met, or to control others or a situation. We may choose the power of love or the power of
control.
Honesty and freedom of expression:
Members of a family are free to express themselves autonomously , including different opinions
or viewpoints if the family interactions support individuality. Discussions can be lively and even
heated if it is basically acceptable for family members to have differences. Love and caring is
not withdrawn if people think differently about something. If ambivalence and uncertainty are
accepted, as well as differences, families tend to enjoy an open atmosphere of honesty in
relationship.
Warmth, joy and humor:
When there is joy and humor in relationships, people seek out the comfort of these interactions.
Family members’ enjoyment and trust in one another is an important energizing resource! There
is the feeling that there is always someone to talk to who cares, and who you can laugh and have
fun with at various times as well.
Organization and negotiating skill:
A necessary aspect of family life is coordinating tasks, negotiating differences and being able to
reach closure effectively. Negotiating skills include the ability to listen and make choices in what
family members feel is a fair process. In healthy families, this process does not get overly
bogged down, although there is room for discussion, and parents alternate the role of coordinator
between them. Parents can take charge without being overly controlling.
Value system:
Part of the health and vibrancy of any family is also dealing with weaknesses, fears and stresses
in the system itself. Nobody is perfect and no system is perfect. But in healthy families, truth is
accepted as not absolute. Different perspectives on reality are acceptable and people are
basically good.
Basic Orientation:
Family atmosphere is influenced by a belief in helping each other, acknowledging human needs for
reassurance and support, and viewing mistakes as human. Family members know that human needs
are satisfied through relationship.
Boundaries:
Clear boundaries between family members means that the responsibilities of adults are clear
and separate from the responsibilities of the growing child(ren). There are no “parentified”
children in the family, and people talk freely for themselves, expressing differences of feelings
and opinions without fear of punishment or retaliation.
Power and Intimacy:
People are able to relate intimately when they feel they have equal power. This is because when
we get frightened, two options are open to us: to relate through loving and caring to get our
needs met, or to control others or a situation. We may choose the power of love or the power of
control.
Honesty and freedom of expression:
Members of a family are free to express themselves autonomously , including different opinions
or viewpoints if the family interactions support individuality. Discussions can be lively and even
heated if it is basically acceptable for family members to have differences. Love and caring is
not withdrawn if people think differently about something. If ambivalence and uncertainty are
accepted, as well as differences, families tend to enjoy an open atmosphere of honesty in
relationship.
Warmth, joy and humor:
When there is joy and humor in relationships, people seek out the comfort of these interactions.
Family members’ enjoyment and trust in one another is an important energizing resource! There
is the feeling that there is always someone to talk to who cares, and who you can laugh and have
fun with at various times as well.
Organization and negotiating skill:
A necessary aspect of family life is coordinating tasks, negotiating differences and being able to
reach closure effectively. Negotiating skills include the ability to listen and make choices in what
family members feel is a fair process. In healthy families, this process does not get overly
bogged down, although there is room for discussion, and parents alternate the role of coordinator
between them. Parents can take charge without being overly controlling.
Value system:
Part of the health and vibrancy of any family is also dealing with weaknesses, fears and stresses
in the system itself. Nobody is perfect and no system is perfect. But in healthy families, truth is
accepted as not absolute. Different perspectives on reality are acceptable and people are
basically good.
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| Dysfunctional Family / Life Effects: Resources |
| Adult Child - Survivor Resource Section |
| Healthy-Functional Resource Section |
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| Suggested Additional Reading |
| Dawn Cove Abbey Information and Support Resources |
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The strength of a family stems from the strength of the relationship between the two adults/parents. After
all, the family started with them, and when the children are grown, it will be the two adults who are left. The
question will be: with what? A good solid relationship that has grown over time - or a disastrous, dysfunctional
situation?
all, the family started with them, and when the children are grown, it will be the two adults who are left. The
question will be: with what? A good solid relationship that has grown over time - or a disastrous, dysfunctional
situation?
- If you have a question about healthy/happy families, or a related one, or
- If any of the above (or below) does NOT apply to you and your life, or of someone you know, and you
desire help: online - distance help/counselling works (see Distance Consl). Help is here - no risk - no
obligation to inquire - totally confidential!
| People who really want to heal, will find a way; those who don't, will find an excuse. |