| Recovery/Healing, escape or overcoming is like an "Awakening". Ten Commandments of Dysfunctional Families |
| When Life Hurts When the hurts received from others reaches a point where people actually react to them, an amazingly curious thing happens: they reveal what/who is most loved, prized or precious to them: it will be the thing/person they turn against and take it out on. As a child it might manifest as tearing legs, arms and head off most fav doll, or trashing a prize airplane model, or maiming or hurting a beloved pet; in adulthood it might be destroying a loved tool or appliance, attack & hurt the loved one, or push the loved one away harder and harder, or run as far away as possible. They attack, destroy, damage, maim, hurt or leave exactly those things or people most precious & loved to them. Only later, when all the demolition and carnage is done, do they take stock and fully come to realize, not just what they've done, but what they've lost. And this has been known for ages - there's a song about it that people have known for years: "You always hurt the one you love". And the pain will grow, and the hurt will grow, and the guilt will grow, and the self-hatred, self-loathing and self-disgust will grow. And rage will build. This is the point at which healing/recovery can begin - because that is when people are ready - or can be. Recover-Heal through Counselling/Coaching |
A family's purpose (remembering the cultural/community component) can be seen as: the living, sharing,
nourishing and development of life in healthy circumstances - it is easy to see the differences in comparison.
In sick families/relationships, when this purpose is no longer fulfilled - such as when making a living or caring for
children becomes immersed in addictions, lies, violence, or personal manipulation, yet still continues, that system
has become dysfunctional - with strong codependency traits.
The "good news" is, that these can be overcome, reversed, and healed from
(see "The Awakening").
Klaas Tuinman M.A
Deerfield (Yarmouth County) Nova Scotia - 2009
nourishing and development of life in healthy circumstances - it is easy to see the differences in comparison.
In sick families/relationships, when this purpose is no longer fulfilled - such as when making a living or caring for
children becomes immersed in addictions, lies, violence, or personal manipulation, yet still continues, that system
has become dysfunctional - with strong codependency traits.
- If, for example, Dad's drinking or abusing Mom allows him to continue working at his meaningless job, that
the family depends on, then this behavior becomes accepted as part of the family system. - Because the child is born into it, the family's method of functioning is seen as "normal", rather than sick,
maladaptive or deviant - it becomes simply "the way things are" for that child. It is part of their
socialization process. - This form of dysfunction is shrouded in non-communication, alienation, fear, denial and anger which, while
shared by all, is not permissible to express. - These feelings get channeled into standardized behavior patterns designed to keep the unhealthy system
functioning as smoothly as it can under the circumstances.
- The patterns become second nature, part of the basic survival mechanisms which people carry through into
all their subsequent situations.
The "good news" is, that these can be overcome, reversed, and healed from
(see "The Awakening").
Klaas Tuinman M.A
Deerfield (Yarmouth County) Nova Scotia - 2009
| The following documents are on-site in RTF format - click to open. Trust: it start with you, How To build Trust, About Assertiveness. |
| Violence & Children's Development CLICK |
| Growing up in a dysfunctional family CLICK |
| Questionnaire: Are you a survivor or member of a Dysfunctional Family? CLICK! |
| Also see: Montreal Massacre |
The Ten Commandments of Dysfunctional Families
The Second Commandment:
Thou shalt always send mixed messages, especially when it concerns relationships..
Sample Situation: A dominating father tells his child,
"I love you. Now beat it and leave me alone."
Application: You don't really know what's true. Either your father loves you or he hates you.
Since you never know for sure, you'll never be quite sure if others really mean what they say
since those you loved most only spoke in mixed messages. They sounded good, but you couldn't
trust them.
Motto: Avoid people and relationships. It's the safe thing to do.
Thou shalt always send mixed messages, especially when it concerns relationships..
Sample Situation: A dominating father tells his child,
"I love you. Now beat it and leave me alone."
Application: You don't really know what's true. Either your father loves you or he hates you.
Since you never know for sure, you'll never be quite sure if others really mean what they say
since those you loved most only spoke in mixed messages. They sounded good, but you couldn't
trust them.
Motto: Avoid people and relationships. It's the safe thing to do.
The Third Commandment:
Thou shalt be an adult.
Sample Situation: Children were made to take care of their parents emotionally, physically, or
sexually and to meet their parents' "childish" needs for power, attention, sex, and belonging. The
children submitted to avoid physical and emotional abandonment by their parents. Children in these
environments can't really remember a "childhood." For this reason, children were always expected
to be adults.
Application: Being child-like and spontaneous is irresponsible and bad. You must act like an adult at
all times and be responsible, even if you're only five years old.
Motto: There's no such thing as child's play. It's all serious stuff.
Thou shalt be an adult.
Sample Situation: Children were made to take care of their parents emotionally, physically, or
sexually and to meet their parents' "childish" needs for power, attention, sex, and belonging. The
children submitted to avoid physical and emotional abandonment by their parents. Children in these
environments can't really remember a "childhood." For this reason, children were always expected
to be adults.
Application: Being child-like and spontaneous is irresponsible and bad. You must act like an adult at
all times and be responsible, even if you're only five years old.
Motto: There's no such thing as child's play. It's all serious stuff.
The Sixth Commandment:
Thou shalt not feel.
Sample Situation: A child cries because her best friend is moving away. "You shouldn't feel like that. Stop crying!"
yells her mother angrily.
Application: Since any display of emotion might betray the family secrets that all is not perfect, all emotions must
be repressed and numbed.
After all, we're a normal family.
We're not like other people who get angry, sad, or afraid.
Motto: Be respectable. After all, respectable people never show their emotions or pain.
The Seventh Commandment (1):
Thou shalt allow your boundaries to be violated,
especially by those who "love" you.
Sample Situation: A child trying to accomplish a task continues to persist and work on it, hoping to gain a sense of
accomplishment and approval. "Don't be so stubborn!" mommy says. "Just give up. There' s more important things than
that to be done! Now put that stuff away
and clean the house so that mommy knows you love her."
Lesson Learned: Anything you want is not worth protecting. Only those you love can tell you what is important and
what's not. Quit thinking for yourself and just do what makes everyone else happy..
Motto: Because others are more valuable than you,
you don't have the right to maintain your own boundaries or to make decisions.
The Seventh Commandment (2):
Thou shalt be hyper-vigilant
Sample Situation: A child is constantly reminded how dangerous the world is. People can't be trusted either.
Therefore, stay aloof, don't get too close to anybody.
Lesson Learned: The only way to be safe in this world is to be careful and insulate yourself from others.
Be careful. Always be on guard They might hurt you.
If you need help, don't ask for their help.
Do it yourself.
Motto: Always be on your guard.
The wise person is always over prepared and distrustful of everyone and everything.
The Eighth Commandment:
Thou shalt not let anyone do anything else for you. Do it all yourself.
Sample Situation: Parents continually remind the child that no one is to be trusted.
If they do something for you, they're doing it to manipulate you.
Lesson Learned: Stay aloof and don't make friends with anybody.
After all, if you get too close, they'll use, hurt and abuse you.
And remember this: nobody does anything for anyone
unless they want something from you.
Motto: Do everything yourself.
The Ninth Commandment:
Thou shalt be perfect
Sample Situation: "Just because you got all 'A's on your report card doesn't mean that you couldn't have done
better. You're lazy. Now get to work and let's see you get some more 'A+'s'!"
Lesson Learned: If it's not perfect, people won't love you. No matter how good it is,
it's never good enough . . . but keep trying!
Motto: You're only as good as your performance and that's still not good enough!
Thou shalt not feel.
Sample Situation: A child cries because her best friend is moving away. "You shouldn't feel like that. Stop crying!"
yells her mother angrily.
Application: Since any display of emotion might betray the family secrets that all is not perfect, all emotions must
be repressed and numbed.
After all, we're a normal family.
We're not like other people who get angry, sad, or afraid.
Motto: Be respectable. After all, respectable people never show their emotions or pain.
The Seventh Commandment (1):
Thou shalt allow your boundaries to be violated,
especially by those who "love" you.
Sample Situation: A child trying to accomplish a task continues to persist and work on it, hoping to gain a sense of
accomplishment and approval. "Don't be so stubborn!" mommy says. "Just give up. There' s more important things than
that to be done! Now put that stuff away
and clean the house so that mommy knows you love her."
Lesson Learned: Anything you want is not worth protecting. Only those you love can tell you what is important and
what's not. Quit thinking for yourself and just do what makes everyone else happy..
Motto: Because others are more valuable than you,
you don't have the right to maintain your own boundaries or to make decisions.
The Seventh Commandment (2):
Thou shalt be hyper-vigilant
Sample Situation: A child is constantly reminded how dangerous the world is. People can't be trusted either.
Therefore, stay aloof, don't get too close to anybody.
Lesson Learned: The only way to be safe in this world is to be careful and insulate yourself from others.
Be careful. Always be on guard They might hurt you.
If you need help, don't ask for their help.
Do it yourself.
Motto: Always be on your guard.
The wise person is always over prepared and distrustful of everyone and everything.
The Eighth Commandment:
Thou shalt not let anyone do anything else for you. Do it all yourself.
Sample Situation: Parents continually remind the child that no one is to be trusted.
If they do something for you, they're doing it to manipulate you.
Lesson Learned: Stay aloof and don't make friends with anybody.
After all, if you get too close, they'll use, hurt and abuse you.
And remember this: nobody does anything for anyone
unless they want something from you.
Motto: Do everything yourself.
The Ninth Commandment:
Thou shalt be perfect
Sample Situation: "Just because you got all 'A's on your report card doesn't mean that you couldn't have done
better. You're lazy. Now get to work and let's see you get some more 'A+'s'!"
Lesson Learned: If it's not perfect, people won't love you. No matter how good it is,
it's never good enough . . . but keep trying!
Motto: You're only as good as your performance and that's still not good enough!
The Tenth Commandment:
Thou shalt not forgive yourself or others.
Sample Situation: "You're always in my way, child! Why do you keep asking me to play with you? Don't you know I
played with you last year? Wasn't that enough?! You ought to be ashamed of yourself! Go to your room. Don't bother
me."
Lesson Learned: The only way I can be forgiven and loved is if I can earn it by being perfect. The guiltier I feel,
the harder I must work to gain other's approval. If I make any mistakes, even a small one, they'll reject me or
think I'm incompetent or worthless. I'm afraid I will make a mistake, I know I will, I feel so guilty. Therefore,
even if I think I can do it, I won't. After all, I could make a mistake and then what would I do? Oh, I could never go
back and say I'm sorry!
Motto: Since Jesus' doesn't forgive me, I can't forgive you either.
The Ten Commandments Of Dysfunctional Families:
A Summary
The First And Great Commandment Is This:
"Be a "good" person: Be blind, be quiet, be numb, be careful, keep secrets, avoid reality, avoid relationships, don't
cry, don't trust, don't feel, be serious, don't talk, don't love and above all, make everyone think you're perfect . . .
even if it makes you feel guilty."
The Second Is Like Unto It:
"Since you're worthless and nobody loves you anyway (including yourself), don't try to change yourself. You're not
worth the effort and you couldn't do it if you tried anyway. God won't help you either. So get back where you
belong. There's nothing wrong anyway, so what's your problem! See, I told you that you were stupid."
-Thomas F. Fischer, M.Div., M.S.A.
Number 64
Thou shalt not forgive yourself or others.
Sample Situation: "You're always in my way, child! Why do you keep asking me to play with you? Don't you know I
played with you last year? Wasn't that enough?! You ought to be ashamed of yourself! Go to your room. Don't bother
me."
Lesson Learned: The only way I can be forgiven and loved is if I can earn it by being perfect. The guiltier I feel,
the harder I must work to gain other's approval. If I make any mistakes, even a small one, they'll reject me or
think I'm incompetent or worthless. I'm afraid I will make a mistake, I know I will, I feel so guilty. Therefore,
even if I think I can do it, I won't. After all, I could make a mistake and then what would I do? Oh, I could never go
back and say I'm sorry!
Motto: Since Jesus' doesn't forgive me, I can't forgive you either.
The Ten Commandments Of Dysfunctional Families:
A Summary
The First And Great Commandment Is This:
"Be a "good" person: Be blind, be quiet, be numb, be careful, keep secrets, avoid reality, avoid relationships, don't
cry, don't trust, don't feel, be serious, don't talk, don't love and above all, make everyone think you're perfect . . .
even if it makes you feel guilty."
The Second Is Like Unto It:
"Since you're worthless and nobody loves you anyway (including yourself), don't try to change yourself. You're not
worth the effort and you couldn't do it if you tried anyway. God won't help you either. So get back where you
belong. There's nothing wrong anyway, so what's your problem! See, I told you that you were stupid."
-Thomas F. Fischer, M.Div., M.S.A.
Number 64
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The Fourth Commandment:
Thou shalt keep secrets from others.
Sample Situation: Daddy has a "secret" that only he and his little girl know. Of course, she can't
tell Mommy. If she does, Daddy will hurt you and Mommy might leave and never come back.
Application: A child's most important duty is to protect the image of their parents and family in
the community.
Watch what you say and be careful not to act funny around other people either. After all, as family
we have to protect each other. If you stay quiet, you're loyal.
If you can't, we won't love you.
Motto: To really love someone is to show loyalty
by protecting their "secrets" at all costs.
Thou shalt keep secrets from others.
Sample Situation: Daddy has a "secret" that only he and his little girl know. Of course, she can't
tell Mommy. If she does, Daddy will hurt you and Mommy might leave and never come back.
Application: A child's most important duty is to protect the image of their parents and family in
the community.
Watch what you say and be careful not to act funny around other people either. After all, as family
we have to protect each other. If you stay quiet, you're loyal.
If you can't, we won't love you.
Motto: To really love someone is to show loyalty
by protecting their "secrets" at all costs.
The Fifth Commandment:
Thou shalt protect family secrets.
Sample Situation: A member of the family commits suicide. Since this is not acceptable to discuss
even in the family, all pictures, memorabilia, and anything else which would indicate that this family
member had ever lived here must be discarded. After all, no one in our family would commit
suicide, would they?
Application: Our family doesn't have any problems, does it? Even if we did, we don't have to
discuss or deal with them. After all, they're not that important. We can simply deny their
existence so that we don't have to deal with the grief.
Motto: Life's too painful to have to deal with the pain and the problems.
Just ignore them, they'll go away.
Thou shalt protect family secrets.
Sample Situation: A member of the family commits suicide. Since this is not acceptable to discuss
even in the family, all pictures, memorabilia, and anything else which would indicate that this family
member had ever lived here must be discarded. After all, no one in our family would commit
suicide, would they?
Application: Our family doesn't have any problems, does it? Even if we did, we don't have to
discuss or deal with them. After all, they're not that important. We can simply deny their
existence so that we don't have to deal with the grief.
Motto: Life's too painful to have to deal with the pain and the problems.
Just ignore them, they'll go away.
| Follow-up and Support Counseling to Seminars & Workshops Dawn Cove Abbey Empowerment Outreach is a registered not-for-profit business in the province of Nova Scotia, Canada |
If you have questions, comments or suggestions, please email. I'll be happy to hear from you.
| The Dawn Cove Abbey Tradition: Helping People Rediscover Themselves Established in 1995, in commemoration of Abbey Dawn in Kingston, Ontario. |
The First Commandment:
Thou shalt reinterpret reality to preserve the perfect fantasy.
Sample Situation: This commandment is designed to hide family secrets. If you saw
dad stagger and fall down the basement steps because he was drunk, you can't tell the truth.
"Daddy wasn't drunk; he simply lost his balance and tripped. Poor Daddy."
Application: Even if you see it, it's not real. You must have made a mistake. Therefore,
reinterpret what you saw to make it nice and respectable. If you don't, people will think you're
and we're all crazy. We wouldn't want them to think that now, would we?
Motto: Always believe the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the alcoholic truth.
Thou shalt reinterpret reality to preserve the perfect fantasy.
Sample Situation: This commandment is designed to hide family secrets. If you saw
dad stagger and fall down the basement steps because he was drunk, you can't tell the truth.
"Daddy wasn't drunk; he simply lost his balance and tripped. Poor Daddy."
Application: Even if you see it, it's not real. You must have made a mistake. Therefore,
reinterpret what you saw to make it nice and respectable. If you don't, people will think you're
and we're all crazy. We wouldn't want them to think that now, would we?
Motto: Always believe the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the alcoholic truth.
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Related topics: Abuse & Violence, Children-Roles, Codependency & Male-Female Equality, Lifeskills or Building Trust
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