Recovery/Healing, escape or overcoming is like an "Awakening".
Ten Commandments of Dysfunctional Families
The First Commandment:
Thou shalt reinterpret reality to preserve the perfect fantasy.
Sample Situation: This commandment is designed to hide family secrets. If you saw
dad stagger and fall down the basement steps because he was drunk, you can't tell
the truth. Instead, reality must be interpreted into an acceptable fantasy. "Daddy
wasn't drunk; he simply lost his balance and tripped. Poor Daddy."
Application: Even if you see it, it's not real. You must have made a mistake.
Therefore, reinterpret what you saw to make it nice and respectable. If you don't,
people will think you're and we're all crazy. We wouldn't want them to think that now,
would we?
Motto: Always believe the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the alcoholic truth.
Ten Commandments of Dysfunctional Families
The First Commandment:
Thou shalt reinterpret reality to preserve the perfect fantasy.
Sample Situation: This commandment is designed to hide family secrets. If you saw
dad stagger and fall down the basement steps because he was drunk, you can't tell
the truth. Instead, reality must be interpreted into an acceptable fantasy. "Daddy
wasn't drunk; he simply lost his balance and tripped. Poor Daddy."
Application: Even if you see it, it's not real. You must have made a mistake.
Therefore, reinterpret what you saw to make it nice and respectable. If you don't,
people will think you're and we're all crazy. We wouldn't want them to think that now,
would we?
Motto: Always believe the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the alcoholic truth.
| When Life Hurts When the hurts received from others reaches a point where people actually react to them, an amazingly curious thing happens: they reveal what/who is most loved, prized or precious to them: it will be the thing/person they turn against and take it out on. As a child it might manifest as tearing legs, arms and head off most fav doll, or trashing a prize airplane model, or maiming or hurting a beloved pet; in adulthood it might be destroying a loved tool or appliance, attack & hurt the loved one, or push the loved one away harder and harder, or run as far away as possible. They attack, destroy, damage, maim, hurt or leave exactly those things or people most precious & loved to them. Only later, when all the demolition and carnage is done, do they take stock and fully come to realize, not just what they've done, but what they've lost. And this has been known for ages - there's a song about it that people have known for years: "You always hurt the one you love". And the pain will grow, and the hurt will grow, and the guilt will grow, and the self-hatred, self-loathing and self-disgust will grow. And rage will build. This is the point at which healing/recovery can begin - because that is when people are ready - or can be. Recover-Heal through Counselling/Coaching |
A family's purpose (remembering the cultural/community component) can be seen as: the living, sharing, nourishing and
development of life in healthy circumstances - it is easy to see the differences in comparison.
In sick families/relationships, when this purpose is no longer fulfilled - such as when making a living or caring for children
becomes immersed in addictions, lies, violence, or personal manipulation, yet still continues, that system has become dysfunctional -
with strong codependency traits.
The "good news" is, that these can be overcome, reversed, and healed from (see "The Awakening").
Klaas Tuinman M.A
Dawn Cove Abbey
Deerfield (Yarmouth County) Nova Scotia - 2008
development of life in healthy circumstances - it is easy to see the differences in comparison.
In sick families/relationships, when this purpose is no longer fulfilled - such as when making a living or caring for children
becomes immersed in addictions, lies, violence, or personal manipulation, yet still continues, that system has become dysfunctional -
with strong codependency traits.
- If, for example, Dad's drinking or abusing Mom allows him to continue working at his meaningless job, that the family
depends on, then this behavior becomes accepted as part of the family system. - Because the child is born into it, the family's method of functioning is seen as "normal", rather than sick, maladaptive or
deviant - it becomes simply "the way things are" for that child. It is part of their socialization process. - This form of dysfunction is shrouded in non-communication, alienation, fear, denial and anger which, while shared by all, is
not permissible to express. - These feelings get channeled into standardized behavior patterns designed to keep the unhealthy system functioning as
smoothly as it can under the circumstances.
- The patterns become second nature, part of the basic survival mechanisms which people carry through into all their
subsequent situations.
The "good news" is, that these can be overcome, reversed, and healed from (see "The Awakening").
Klaas Tuinman M.A
Dawn Cove Abbey
Deerfield (Yarmouth County) Nova Scotia - 2008
NOTE: For Recovering/Healing from a dysfunctional family, coping with or overcoming a dysfunctional (alcoholic)
family/relationship,
help is available here - Online, distance help/counselling works!
I specialize in helping those with the Lost Child syndrome.
Related topics: Abuse & Violence, Children-Roles, Codependency & Male-Female Equality, Lifeskills or Building Trust
family/relationship,
help is available here - Online, distance help/counselling works!
I specialize in helping those with the Lost Child syndrome.
Related topics: Abuse & Violence, Children-Roles, Codependency & Male-Female Equality, Lifeskills or Building Trust
| The following documents are on-site in RTF format - click to open. Trust: it start with you, How To build Trust, About Assertiveness. |
| Violence & Children's Development. CLICK |
| Growing up in a dysfunctional family. CLICK |
| Questionnaire: Are you a survivor or member of a Dysfunctional Family? CLICK! |
| For Transition House (shelter) services (Juniper House) in Yarmouth (NS) click HERE They can provide information on other Transition (shelter) places - and also provide information to males. |
If you have a question about this topic - don't hesitate to write: there is no
charge, and you will receive an answer - without any unwanted follow-up.
Help is available here through Life Coaching, either in-person, or through
Distance Counselling. Distance Counselling / Coaching Works (see Counselling).
Write or call without obligation and start your healing and recovery today.
Write, email, or call (with no obligation) to:
outreach@dawncoveabbey.org.
Workshops-Retreats / Seminars also available.
charge, and you will receive an answer - without any unwanted follow-up.
Help is available here through Life Coaching, either in-person, or through
Distance Counselling. Distance Counselling / Coaching Works (see Counselling).
Write or call without obligation and start your healing and recovery today.
Write, email, or call (with no obligation) to:
outreach@dawncoveabbey.org.
Workshops-Retreats / Seminars also available.
| Also see: Montreal Massacre |
| Take a Stand against a "social sickness" - Child Pornography. Light a Candle to stop Child Pornography, just click below on the word "stop", and it will take you directly to the website prepared for it. STOP |
Helping Adult Children make sense
of chaotic lives: healing & recovery
of chaotic lives: healing & recovery
People who really want to heal, will find a way; if they don't, they'll find an excuse.
Ten Commandments of Dysfunctional Families
| Click Graphic to Enter |
| Dawn Cove Abbey Empowerment Outreach - New Beginning Online Information Resources, and other supports for Adult Children of Alcoholic/Dysfunctional Families LIFE COUNSELING / COACHING / COUNSELLING and CONSULTING: HEALING YOUR WOUNDED INNER CHILD |
Empowerment: Counselling - Life Coaching,
Seminars, Workshops & Retreats
Seminars, Workshops & Retreats
When life hurts - there is immediate help for long term hope
Only the Wounded Heal; Only the Separated Reconcile
The Second Commandment:
Thou shalt always send mixed messages, especially when it concerns relationships..
Sample Situation: A dominating father tells his child, "I love you. Now beat it and
leave me alone."
Application: You don't really know what's true. Either your father loves you or he
hates you. Since you never know for sure, you'll never be quite sure if others really
mean what they say since those you loved most only spoke in mixed messages. They
sounded good, but you couldn't trust them.
Motto: Avoid people and relationships. It's the safe thing to do.
Thou shalt always send mixed messages, especially when it concerns relationships..
Sample Situation: A dominating father tells his child, "I love you. Now beat it and
leave me alone."
Application: You don't really know what's true. Either your father loves you or he
hates you. Since you never know for sure, you'll never be quite sure if others really
mean what they say since those you loved most only spoke in mixed messages. They
sounded good, but you couldn't trust them.
Motto: Avoid people and relationships. It's the safe thing to do.
The Third Commandment:
Thou shalt be an adult.
Sample Situation: Children were made to take care of their parents emotionally, physically, or sexually and to
meet their parents' "childish" needs for power, attention, sex, and belonging. The children submitted to avoid
physical and emotional abandonment by their parents. Children in these environments can't really remember a
"childhood." For this reason, children were always expected to be adults.
Application: Being child-like and spontaneous is irresponsible and bad. You must act like an adult at all times and
be responsible, even if you're only five years old.
Motto: There's no such thing as child's play. It's all serious stuff.
The Fourth Commandment:
Thou shalt keep secrets from others.
Sample Situation: Daddy has a "secret" that only he and his little girl know. Of course, she can't tell Mommy.
If she does, Daddy will hurt you and Mommy might leave and never come back.
Application: A child's most important duty is to protect the image of their parents and family in the community.
Watch what you say and be careful not to act funny around other people either. After all, as family we have to
protect each other. If you stay quiet, you're loyal. If you can't, we won't love you.
Motto: To really love someone is to show loyalty by protecting their "secrets" at all costs.
The Fifth Commandment:
Thou shalt protect family secrets.
Sample Situation: A member of the family commits suicide. Since this is not acceptable to discuss even in the
family, all pictures, memorabilia, and anything else which would indicate that this family member had ever lived
here must be discarded. After all, no one in our family would commit suicide, would they?
Application: Our family doesn't have any problems, does it? Even if we did, we don't have to discuss or deal
with them. After all, they're not that important. We can simply deny their existence so that we don't have to
deal with the grief.
Motto: Life's too painful to have to deal with the pain and the problems. Just ignore them, they'll go away.
Thou shalt be an adult.
Sample Situation: Children were made to take care of their parents emotionally, physically, or sexually and to
meet their parents' "childish" needs for power, attention, sex, and belonging. The children submitted to avoid
physical and emotional abandonment by their parents. Children in these environments can't really remember a
"childhood." For this reason, children were always expected to be adults.
Application: Being child-like and spontaneous is irresponsible and bad. You must act like an adult at all times and
be responsible, even if you're only five years old.
Motto: There's no such thing as child's play. It's all serious stuff.
The Fourth Commandment:
Thou shalt keep secrets from others.
Sample Situation: Daddy has a "secret" that only he and his little girl know. Of course, she can't tell Mommy.
If she does, Daddy will hurt you and Mommy might leave and never come back.
Application: A child's most important duty is to protect the image of their parents and family in the community.
Watch what you say and be careful not to act funny around other people either. After all, as family we have to
protect each other. If you stay quiet, you're loyal. If you can't, we won't love you.
Motto: To really love someone is to show loyalty by protecting their "secrets" at all costs.
The Fifth Commandment:
Thou shalt protect family secrets.
Sample Situation: A member of the family commits suicide. Since this is not acceptable to discuss even in the
family, all pictures, memorabilia, and anything else which would indicate that this family member had ever lived
here must be discarded. After all, no one in our family would commit suicide, would they?
Application: Our family doesn't have any problems, does it? Even if we did, we don't have to discuss or deal
with them. After all, they're not that important. We can simply deny their existence so that we don't have to
deal with the grief.
Motto: Life's too painful to have to deal with the pain and the problems. Just ignore them, they'll go away.
The Sixth Commandment:
Thou shalt not feel.
Sample Situation: A child cries because her best friend is moving away. "You shouldn't feel like that. Stop
crying!" yells her mother angrily.
Application: Since any display of emotion might betray the family secrets that all is not perfect, all emotions
must be repressed and numbed. After all, we're a normal family. We're not like other people who get angry,
sad, or afraid.
Motto: Be respectable. After all, respectable people never show their emotions or pain..
The Seventh Commandment (1):
Thou shalt allow your boundaries to be violated, especially by those who "love" you.
Sample Situation: A child trying to accomplish a task continues to persist and work on it, hoping to gain a
sense of accomplishment and approval. "Don't be so stubborn!" mommy says. "Just give up. There' s more
important things than that to be done! Now put that stuff away and clean the house so that mommy knows you
love her."
Lesson Learned: Anything you want is not worth protecting. Only those you love can tell you what is important
and what's not. Quit thinking for yourself and just do what makes everyone else happy..
Motto: Because others are more valuable than you, you don't have the right to maintain your own boundaries
or to make decisions.
The Seventh Commandment (2):
Thou shalt be hyper-vigilant
Sample Situation: A child is constantly reminded how dangerous the world is. People can't be trusted either.
Therefore, stay aloof, don't get too close to anybody.
Lesson Learned: The only way to be safe in this world is to be careful and insulate yourself from others. Be
careful. Always be on guard They might hurt you. If you need help, don't ask for their help. Do it yourself.
Motto: Always be on your guard. The wise person is always over prepared and distrustful of everyone and
everything.
The Eighth Commandment:
Thou shalt not let anyone do anything else for you. Do it all yourself.
Sample Situation: Parents continually remind the child that no one is to be trusted. If they do something for
you, they're doing it to manipulate you.
Lesson Learned: Stay aloof and don't make friends with anybody. After all, if you get too close, they'll use,
hurt and abuse you. And remember this: nobody does anything for anyone unless they want something from you.
Motto: Do everything yourself.
The Ninth Commandment:
Thou shalt be perfect
Sample Situation: "Just because you got all 'A's on your report card doesn't mean that you couldn't have
done better. You're lazy. Now get to work and let's see you get some more 'A+'s'!"
Lesson Learned: If it's not perfect, people won't love you. No matter how good it is, it's never good
enough...but keep trying!
Motto: You're only as good as your performance and that's still not good enough!
Thou shalt not feel.
Sample Situation: A child cries because her best friend is moving away. "You shouldn't feel like that. Stop
crying!" yells her mother angrily.
Application: Since any display of emotion might betray the family secrets that all is not perfect, all emotions
must be repressed and numbed. After all, we're a normal family. We're not like other people who get angry,
sad, or afraid.
Motto: Be respectable. After all, respectable people never show their emotions or pain..
The Seventh Commandment (1):
Thou shalt allow your boundaries to be violated, especially by those who "love" you.
Sample Situation: A child trying to accomplish a task continues to persist and work on it, hoping to gain a
sense of accomplishment and approval. "Don't be so stubborn!" mommy says. "Just give up. There' s more
important things than that to be done! Now put that stuff away and clean the house so that mommy knows you
love her."
Lesson Learned: Anything you want is not worth protecting. Only those you love can tell you what is important
and what's not. Quit thinking for yourself and just do what makes everyone else happy..
Motto: Because others are more valuable than you, you don't have the right to maintain your own boundaries
or to make decisions.
The Seventh Commandment (2):
Thou shalt be hyper-vigilant
Sample Situation: A child is constantly reminded how dangerous the world is. People can't be trusted either.
Therefore, stay aloof, don't get too close to anybody.
Lesson Learned: The only way to be safe in this world is to be careful and insulate yourself from others. Be
careful. Always be on guard They might hurt you. If you need help, don't ask for their help. Do it yourself.
Motto: Always be on your guard. The wise person is always over prepared and distrustful of everyone and
everything.
The Eighth Commandment:
Thou shalt not let anyone do anything else for you. Do it all yourself.
Sample Situation: Parents continually remind the child that no one is to be trusted. If they do something for
you, they're doing it to manipulate you.
Lesson Learned: Stay aloof and don't make friends with anybody. After all, if you get too close, they'll use,
hurt and abuse you. And remember this: nobody does anything for anyone unless they want something from you.
Motto: Do everything yourself.
The Ninth Commandment:
Thou shalt be perfect
Sample Situation: "Just because you got all 'A's on your report card doesn't mean that you couldn't have
done better. You're lazy. Now get to work and let's see you get some more 'A+'s'!"
Lesson Learned: If it's not perfect, people won't love you. No matter how good it is, it's never good
enough...but keep trying!
Motto: You're only as good as your performance and that's still not good enough!
The Tenth Commandment:
Thou shalt not forgive yourself or others.
Sample Situation: "You're always in my way, child! Why do you keep asking me to play with you? Don't you
know I played with you last year? Wasn't that enough?! You ought to be ashamed of yourself! Go to your room.
Don't bother me."
Lesson Learned: The only way I can be forgiven and loved is if I can earn it by being perfect. The guiltier I
feel, the harder I must work to gain other's approval. If I make any mistakes, even a small one, they'll
reject me or think I'm incompetent or worthless. I'm afraid I will make a mistake, I know I will, I feel so
guilty. Therefore, even if I think I can do it, I won't. After all, I could make a mistake and then what would
I do? Oh, I could never go back and say I'm sorry!
Motto: Since Jesus' doesn't forgive me, I can't forgive you either.
The Ten Commandments Of Dysfunctional Families:
A Summary
The First And Great Commandment Is This:
"Be a "good" person: Be blind, be quiet, be numb, be careful, keep secrets, avoid reality, avoid relationships,
don't cry, don't trust, don't feel, be serious, don't talk, don't love and above all, make everyone think you're
perfect... even if it makes you feel guilty."
The Second Is Like Unto It:
"Since you're worthless and nobody loves you anyway (including yourself), don't try to change yourself. You're
not worth the effort and you couldn't do it if you tried anyway. God won't help you either. So get back where
you belong. There's nothing wrong anyway, so what's your problem! See, I told you that you were stupid."
-Thomas F. Fischer, M.Div., M.S.A.
Number 64
Thou shalt not forgive yourself or others.
Sample Situation: "You're always in my way, child! Why do you keep asking me to play with you? Don't you
know I played with you last year? Wasn't that enough?! You ought to be ashamed of yourself! Go to your room.
Don't bother me."
Lesson Learned: The only way I can be forgiven and loved is if I can earn it by being perfect. The guiltier I
feel, the harder I must work to gain other's approval. If I make any mistakes, even a small one, they'll
reject me or think I'm incompetent or worthless. I'm afraid I will make a mistake, I know I will, I feel so
guilty. Therefore, even if I think I can do it, I won't. After all, I could make a mistake and then what would
I do? Oh, I could never go back and say I'm sorry!
Motto: Since Jesus' doesn't forgive me, I can't forgive you either.
The Ten Commandments Of Dysfunctional Families:
A Summary
The First And Great Commandment Is This:
"Be a "good" person: Be blind, be quiet, be numb, be careful, keep secrets, avoid reality, avoid relationships,
don't cry, don't trust, don't feel, be serious, don't talk, don't love and above all, make everyone think you're
perfect... even if it makes you feel guilty."
The Second Is Like Unto It:
"Since you're worthless and nobody loves you anyway (including yourself), don't try to change yourself. You're
not worth the effort and you couldn't do it if you tried anyway. God won't help you either. So get back where
you belong. There's nothing wrong anyway, so what's your problem! See, I told you that you were stupid."
-Thomas F. Fischer, M.Div., M.S.A.
Number 64
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