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| Reclaiming the Wounded, Inner Child Dear sweet little child inside of me, I only wish that you could see how sad I feel for not being there, when you needed help to conquer despair. The pain of heart that you went through, when innocence was snatched from you. Your feelings of betrayal - shame - I know your life was not the same. The trust and innocence you had are gone - and that's what makes me sad. 'Cause you should laugh, and romp, and play -- enjoying life in every way. When emotions are 'congealed' inside, you cannot, feelings e'er confide... with anger -frustration - you sail life's course, while your abuser ne'er feels remorse. Please don't hang your head in shame, because you really aren't to blame.. Release the guilt you feel inside, and hold your head up high with pride. I picture you, dear innocent child - with heart of gold, so tender, so mild... and hold you close in my embrace, as tears I wipe from your dear face. You see, I've come to RESCUE you from all the pain that you've been through. because I am your long, lost friend!!!!! 1996 ~ Cynthia Becker |
| When Life Hurts When the hurts received from others reaches a point where people actually react to them, an amazingly curious thing happens: they reveal what/who is most loved, prized or precious to them: it will be the thing/person they turn against and take it out on. As a child it might manifest as tearing legs, arms and head off most fav doll, or trashing a prize airplane model, or maiming or hurting a beloved pet; in adulthood it might be destroying a loved tool or appliance, attack & hurt the loved one, or push the loved one away harder and harder, or run as far away as possible. They attack, destroy, damage, maim, hurt or leave exactly those things or people most precious & loved to them. Only later, when all the demolition and carnage is done, do they take stock and fully come to realize, not just what they've done, but what they've lost. And this has been known for ages - there's a song about it that people have known for years: "You always hurt the one you love". guilt will grow, and the self-hatred, self-loathing and self-disgust will grow. And rage will build. This is the point at which healing/recovery can begin - because that is when people are ready - or can be. Recover-Heal through |
| You are a child of the universe, and you have a right to be here: Victims No More |
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| Adult Children, including the Lost Child, learn to be consummate actors/actresses |
| Follow-up and Support Counseling to Seminars & Workshops Dawn Cove Abbey Empowerment Outreach is a registered not-for-profit business in the province of Nova Scotia, Canada |
The clearer you can see yourself the easier it becomes to find more balance in your life - to find
more happiness, fulfillment, and serenity: toward achieving your full Human Potential. Read “Rules
For Being Human” as well.
more happiness, fulfillment, and serenity: toward achieving your full Human Potential. Read “Rules
For Being Human” as well.
If you have questions, comments or suggestions, please email. I'll be happy to hear from you.
If you are one that this description fits, and are searching for a way to heal, and it was your parents who were involved
in bringing about
"I didn't stop my father, I couldn't save my mother, really, what was there besides fear.
Because when you think that fear is the only thing that you know and have, then suicide seems like a good alternative.
And so I tried three times.
And finally that third time, I realized that I had to either make a new choice, which was to give up my parents - not
give up my parents
- love for my parents, but have them quit running my life, and quit having fear in my life
or I was going to end up living in a psychiatric ward for the rest of my life." (Also see "Fear")
~Anon
in bringing about
"I didn't stop my father, I couldn't save my mother, really, what was there besides fear.
Because when you think that fear is the only thing that you know and have, then suicide seems like a good alternative.
And so I tried three times.
And finally that third time, I realized that I had to either make a new choice, which was to give up my parents - not
give up my parents
- love for my parents, but have them quit running my life, and quit having fear in my life
or I was going to end up living in a psychiatric ward for the rest of my life." (Also see "Fear")
~Anon
| The Dawn Cove Abbey Tradition: Helping People Rediscover Themselves Established in 1995, in commemoration of Abbey Dawn in Kingston, Ontario. |
outreach
around
around
Coping & Survival Roles - Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families/Relationships - negative strategies
| It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society. ~Jiddu Krisnamurti |
Traits and Characteristics of Adult Children from Alcoholic and Dysfunctional Families
Because of Dysfunction's significant impact on functioning in life and relationships it often
results in adults struggling with the issues described below.
Adult Children from Alcoholic and Dysfunctional Families - Traits:
They may have or display some OR
all of the following:
Difficulty knowing, or guessing at, what normal is
(in part due to the absence of adequate
adult role models).
Difficulty following projects through from beginning to end.
Feeling different from other people;
become isolated and afraid of people and authority figures.
Constantly seeking approval and affirmation and lost their identity in the process.
Fear of rejection and abandonment, yet rejecting others.
Judge themselves harshly and without mercy
and have a very low sense of self-esteem.
Tendency to be extremely self-critical
as a result of having internalized frequent parental criticisms.
Have a tendency to engage in "all or nothing" thinking and feeling.
For example, adult children have difficulty integrating their faults
or mistakes; seeing themselves instead as either "all good" or "all bad".
In response to living with unpredictability, they have a strong need for control.
Because of Dysfunction's significant impact on functioning in life and relationships it often
results in adults struggling with the issues described below.
Adult Children from Alcoholic and Dysfunctional Families - Traits:
They may have or display some OR
all of the following:
Difficulty knowing, or guessing at, what normal is
(in part due to the absence of adequate
adult role models).
Difficulty following projects through from beginning to end.
Feeling different from other people;
become isolated and afraid of people and authority figures.
Constantly seeking approval and affirmation and lost their identity in the process.
Fear of rejection and abandonment, yet rejecting others.
Judge themselves harshly and without mercy
and have a very low sense of self-esteem.
Tendency to be extremely self-critical
as a result of having internalized frequent parental criticisms.
Have a tendency to engage in "all or nothing" thinking and feeling.
For example, adult children have difficulty integrating their faults
or mistakes; seeing themselves instead as either "all good" or "all bad".
In response to living with unpredictability, they have a strong need for control.
Adult Children from Alcoholic / Dysfunctional Families: Traits
Or they find another compulsive personality,
such as a workaholic,
to fulfill their sick abandonment needs.
Problems recognizing and expressing feelings.
May confuse feelings,
or allow only certain feelings
(sadness but not anger;
anger, but not sadness).
Difficulty expressing needs
because they have lost touch with their own needs
or are fearful of "burdening" others.
Get guilt feelings when they stand up for themselves
instead of giving in to others.
An exaggerated sense of responsibility
(being either overly responsible or overly irresponsible).
Taking themselves very seriously,
they have difficulty being spontaneous and having fun.
It is easier for them to be concerned with others rather than themselves.
This enables them not to look too closely at their faults, etc.
Became accustomed in childhood to crises,
and feel anxious when life seems like it is going okay.
Are frightened by angry people and any personal criticism,
avoiding conflict or aggravating it,
but rarely dealing with it
- fear of anger (their own and others).
such as a workaholic,
to fulfill their sick abandonment needs.
Problems recognizing and expressing feelings.
May confuse feelings,
or allow only certain feelings
(sadness but not anger;
anger, but not sadness).
Difficulty expressing needs
because they have lost touch with their own needs
or are fearful of "burdening" others.
Get guilt feelings when they stand up for themselves
instead of giving in to others.
An exaggerated sense of responsibility
(being either overly responsible or overly irresponsible).
Taking themselves very seriously,
they have difficulty being spontaneous and having fun.
It is easier for them to be concerned with others rather than themselves.
This enables them not to look too closely at their faults, etc.
Became accustomed in childhood to crises,
and feel anxious when life seems like it is going okay.
Are frightened by angry people and any personal criticism,
avoiding conflict or aggravating it,
but rarely dealing with it
- fear of anger (their own and others).
Became addicted to excitement.
Are dependent personalities who are terrified of abandonment
and will do anything to hold on to a relationship
in order not to experience painful abandonment feelings
which they received from living with sick people
who were never there emotionally for them.
Alcoholism is a family disease and they became para-alcoholics and took on
the characteristics of that disease even though they did not pick up the
drink.
See further below:
Those who grew up in dysfunctional families often have difficulties in
setting appropriate boundaries.
Boundaries are important in determining the health of a relationship; they
also clarify where you stop and where others begin.
Examples of problems in setting and enforcing boundaries:
Telling all.
Talking at an intimate level on the first meeting.
Falling in love with a new acquaintance.
Falling in love with anyone who reaches out.
Being overwhelmed by a person--preoccupied.
Acting on the first sexual impulse.
Being sexual for partner, not self.
Going against personal values or rights to please others.
Not noticing when someone invades their boundaries.
Not noticing when someone else displays inappropriate boundaries.
Accepting food, gifts, touch, sex that they don't want.
Touching a person without asking.
Allowing someone to take as much as they can from them.
Letting others describe their reality.
Letting others define them.
Believing others can anticipate their needs.
Expecting others to fulfill their needs automatically.
Falling apart so someone will take care of them.
Are dependent personalities who are terrified of abandonment
and will do anything to hold on to a relationship
in order not to experience painful abandonment feelings
which they received from living with sick people
who were never there emotionally for them.
Alcoholism is a family disease and they became para-alcoholics and took on
the characteristics of that disease even though they did not pick up the
drink.
See further below:
Those who grew up in dysfunctional families often have difficulties in
setting appropriate boundaries.
Boundaries are important in determining the health of a relationship; they
also clarify where you stop and where others begin.
Examples of problems in setting and enforcing boundaries:
Telling all.
Talking at an intimate level on the first meeting.
Falling in love with a new acquaintance.
Falling in love with anyone who reaches out.
Being overwhelmed by a person--preoccupied.
Acting on the first sexual impulse.
Being sexual for partner, not self.
Going against personal values or rights to please others.
Not noticing when someone invades their boundaries.
Not noticing when someone else displays inappropriate boundaries.
Accepting food, gifts, touch, sex that they don't want.
Touching a person without asking.
Allowing someone to take as much as they can from them.
Letting others describe their reality.
Letting others define them.
Believing others can anticipate their needs.
Expecting others to fulfill their needs automatically.
Falling apart so someone will take care of them.
Anyone coming from an alcoholic or dysfunctional family is more at risk of becoming an alcoholic.
This is known as being para-alcoholics (or codependent).
Para-alcoholics are reactors rather than actors (in this article,
para means "secondary")
Children of alcoholics develop co-dependent and para-alcoholic
behaviours and thought patterns,
which make it easier for them to fit into “real” behaviours in later life.
Much of the groundwork has already been prepared by the family environment,
where they fail to develop adequate coping mechanisms and life skills for adulthood.
Even if they do not go on to become alcoholics, they often mimic alcoholic behaviours in their emotional and
relational lives and continue to act out behaviours, habits and patterns of thought related to the alcoholism
in the family.
This can manifest itself in many dysfunctional ways, from depression,
eating disorders compulsive-obsessive behaviours,
entering destructive relationships, etc,
and doesn't necessarily mean that all children of alcoholics
go onto to become alcoholics themselves.
But a high proportion of alcoholics come from families where one or more parents or significant others were
alcoholic, addicted or otherwise dysfunctional.
The characteristics to look for here in the adult individual are;
impulsiveness leading to confusion,
self-loathing and loss of control
overreaction to outside changes
constant approval seeking
merciless self-judgment
super-responsibility
super-loyalty
never taking oneself seriously
guessing at what normalcy is
feeling different from other people
difficulty having fun
difficulty with intimate relationships
difficulty completing projects
Dawn Cove Abbey: Adapted from various sources
Klaas Tuinman
Deerfield, Nova Scotia
2010
This is known as being para-alcoholics (or codependent).
Para-alcoholics are reactors rather than actors (in this article,
para means "secondary")
Children of alcoholics develop co-dependent and para-alcoholic
behaviours and thought patterns,
which make it easier for them to fit into “real” behaviours in later life.
Much of the groundwork has already been prepared by the family environment,
where they fail to develop adequate coping mechanisms and life skills for adulthood.
Even if they do not go on to become alcoholics, they often mimic alcoholic behaviours in their emotional and
relational lives and continue to act out behaviours, habits and patterns of thought related to the alcoholism
in the family.
This can manifest itself in many dysfunctional ways, from depression,
eating disorders compulsive-obsessive behaviours,
entering destructive relationships, etc,
and doesn't necessarily mean that all children of alcoholics
go onto to become alcoholics themselves.
But a high proportion of alcoholics come from families where one or more parents or significant others were
alcoholic, addicted or otherwise dysfunctional.
The characteristics to look for here in the adult individual are;
impulsiveness leading to confusion,
self-loathing and loss of control
overreaction to outside changes
constant approval seeking
merciless self-judgment
super-responsibility
super-loyalty
never taking oneself seriously
guessing at what normalcy is
feeling different from other people
difficulty having fun
difficulty with intimate relationships
difficulty completing projects
Dawn Cove Abbey: Adapted from various sources
Klaas Tuinman
Deerfield, Nova Scotia
2010
| Take a Stand against a "social sickness" - Child Pornography Light a Candle to stop Child Pornography, just click below on the word "stop", and it will take you directly to the website prepared for it. STOP |
They have a tendency to be hyper-vigilant
(keep their eye on everything, always worried).
The are driven by counter-productive perfectionism.
Difficulty with intimate relationships due in part to inconsistent parental affection.
Have stuffed their feelings from their traumatic childhoods and have lost the ability to feel or express their feelings
because it hurts so much (Denial).
They confuse love and pity and tend to "love" people they can "pity" and "rescue".
They live life from the viewpoint of victims and are attracted by that weakness in their love and friendship relations.
In response to parental abandonment or neglect, they developed the belief that they were not good enough, significant
or lovable, and in the absence of a "good enough" sense of self are prone to feelings of shame and inadequacy.
(keep their eye on everything, always worried).
The are driven by counter-productive perfectionism.
Difficulty with intimate relationships due in part to inconsistent parental affection.
Have stuffed their feelings from their traumatic childhoods and have lost the ability to feel or express their feelings
because it hurts so much (Denial).
They confuse love and pity and tend to "love" people they can "pity" and "rescue".
They live life from the viewpoint of victims and are attracted by that weakness in their love and friendship relations.
In response to parental abandonment or neglect, they developed the belief that they were not good enough, significant
or lovable, and in the absence of a "good enough" sense of self are prone to feelings of shame and inadequacy.
IF YOU NEED HELP WITH YOUR LIFE SITUATION
If the description on this page describes you and
you wish to heal, let us help you find long-term
resolution for your problems - and assist you
in your emotional, mental and spiritual healing.
If it describes someone in your life, we can help
you understand it better and how to cope or deal
with it - and bring healing to you as well.
We can help you begin
your Inner Child's journey "home"
Nearly 30 years experience
helping Adult Wounded Children.
Email, call or write to begin the healing - Today!
If the description on this page describes you and
you wish to heal, let us help you find long-term
resolution for your problems - and assist you
in your emotional, mental and spiritual healing.
If it describes someone in your life, we can help
you understand it better and how to cope or deal
with it - and bring healing to you as well.
We can help you begin
your Inner Child's journey "home"
Nearly 30 years experience
helping Adult Wounded Children.
Email, call or write to begin the healing - Today!
| IF YOU NEED HELP WITH YOUR LIFE SITUATION Let us help you find long-term resolution for your problems - and assist you in your Emotional, Mental and Spiritual Healing. If you have a Family issue - we can help Email, call or write - Today! Available to you 7 days per week - wherever you are |
| Survivors' web sites |
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| People who really want to heal, will find a way; those who don't, will find an excuse. |
Roadside Assistance for your healing and reconciliation Journey Of Life
Childhood is where it begins.
Childhood and youth is where it began for almost all lost children; for all
"Adult Children of" . . .
So part of any healing journey is to reconnect with that child inside: the
inner child. And although healing occurs in all those who actively engage in
that journey - there will always be remnants and memories.
Dysfunction too often is generational: it is passed on from one generation
to another. The only way to change it is to break that cycle. The best way
to do so is to begin one's own recovery and healing, and then focus on
children in one's life.
This cannot be emphasized too much.
Childhood and youth is where it began for almost all lost children; for all
"Adult Children of" . . .
So part of any healing journey is to reconnect with that child inside: the
inner child. And although healing occurs in all those who actively engage in
that journey - there will always be remnants and memories.
Dysfunction too often is generational: it is passed on from one generation
to another. The only way to change it is to break that cycle. The best way
to do so is to begin one's own recovery and healing, and then focus on
children in one's life.
This cannot be emphasized too much.
| Support Children who are victims of Domestic Dispute Click HERE |
Regardless how long your behaviour pattern and circumstances may have
existed, and no matter how much you despair of healing: recovery - healing and
becoming a true survivor is possible at any time.
"Each night I die to old habits and to negative thinking and actions that do not
serve me any more;
each morning I am resurrected into new life, again and again – if I so choose."
(adapted from our chapel's prayers).
existed, and no matter how much you despair of healing: recovery - healing and
becoming a true survivor is possible at any time.
"Each night I die to old habits and to negative thinking and actions that do not
serve me any more;
each morning I am resurrected into new life, again and again – if I so choose."
(adapted from our chapel's prayers).
| If you are ready to make the change / transition to begin your healing journey, we can help. For more information see Help - to contact us see Contact-Us Please call, write or email without obligation (and strictly confidential) _____________________________________________________________________ |
Dawn Cove Abbey - many ways of helping people learn, recover and heal:
I sincerely hope that you take the Less Travelled Road and that it brings
awakening and healing to you.
- providing personal guidance for growth, healing and empowerment
through personal life coaching/counselling.
- extensive information and support pages on this website
- - the information is free and available to all - if you have found it to
be helpful and useful, please consider making a donation toward
maintaining this important service.
I sincerely hope that you take the Less Travelled Road and that it brings
awakening and healing to you.
If you found this page helpful and know someone else who could benefit from it, please tell them
NOTE: For Recovering/Healing from a dysfunctional family, coping with or overcoming a dysfunctional
(alcoholic) family/relationship, help is available here - Online, distance help/counselling works!
Related topics: Abuse & Violence, Children-Roles, Codependency & Male-Female Equality, Lifeskills or Building Trust
NOTE: For Recovering/Healing from a dysfunctional family, coping with or overcoming a dysfunctional
(alcoholic) family/relationship, help is available here - Online, distance help/counselling works!
Related topics: Abuse & Violence, Children-Roles, Codependency & Male-Female Equality, Lifeskills or Building Trust
| ~Explorations In Awareness~ -Demystifying & Detoxifying the Mind to combat Alienation and Dysfunction- Please visit and add your voice. |
Parental Alienation is a form
of child abuse. Help stop it.
Click HERE
of child abuse. Help stop it.
Click HERE
