Understanding, Conquering, Effects of, and
Managing and Controlling Your Anger, Rage & Fury
Anger: Managing & Controlling It
Everyone gets angry from time to time; this is “normal”. I'm speaking about the kind of
anger that people have great difficulty controlling or managing: deep inside they are
constantly, chronically angry.
This is not a problem in itself. It is When, and How and Where, and with or at Whom you
display that anger and take it out on that is the problem most frequently.
FACT: Most people who say they have an anger management or control problem
really don't have one.
They/You actually manage and control it very well
- and reserve a special person/place to become the target;
and then they/you use the “I can't control it”, or “I can’t help myself”, routines.
Or, you/they blame the victim, “you made me hit you”.
WRONG – on all counts!
Those actions and words are CHOICES – not mindless reactions.
Managing and Controlling Your Anger, Rage & Fury
Anger: Managing & Controlling It
Everyone gets angry from time to time; this is “normal”. I'm speaking about the kind of
anger that people have great difficulty controlling or managing: deep inside they are
constantly, chronically angry.
This is not a problem in itself. It is When, and How and Where, and with or at Whom you
display that anger and take it out on that is the problem most frequently.
FACT: Most people who say they have an anger management or control problem
really don't have one.
They/You actually manage and control it very well
- and reserve a special person/place to become the target;
and then they/you use the “I can't control it”, or “I can’t help myself”, routines.
Or, you/they blame the victim, “you made me hit you”.
WRONG – on all counts!
Those actions and words are CHOICES – not mindless reactions.
- Anger: which is a strong or violent feeling of displeasure, antagonism and
aggressive hostility aroused, or triggered by real or suspected wrong. - It is usually accompanied with a desire to punish, or retaliate: the anger may be
excessive or misplaced.
- Rage: which is a vehement explosive form of anger. Rage is an instinctive
response to the sense we are under threat, either physically or emotionally. - Anything that challenges our dignity or threatens the control we wield over our
lives can trigger anger at this deep level (rage) – this is often, or usually,
misdirected.
- Fury: is an excess of rage, amounting almost to madness or insanity (sometimes
referred to as a “blind rage” where the individual is no longer aware of what
they are doing; also known as going “berserk”). - It is the most violent and destructive form – it too, is almost always
misdirected.
Misdirected means it is taken out on the person(s) or thing(s) who are not the actual,
original cause of the “root anger”; the targets/victims are not the perpetrator(s).
Anger comes in two modes: Inner (or Inward) Anger, and Outward Anger
Outwardly expressed anger is easy to recognize, but angry thoughts and feelings may
also exist internally, well concealed from others.
The anger cycle:
- The open expression of outward anger by one person to another is almost always
- For the immediate moment the person may feel some elation for having "gotten it
out" but the frequent normal response is guilt.
- Guilt then will lead to remorse that the person had been so hard, violent or mean
to the victim upon whom the anger was vented.
- This remorse will function like a "self-checking" device and result in the anger
being held in so that the anger becomes "inward (inner) anger", which often leads
to depression (it also increases self-loathing).
- This "inward anger" over time will lead to resentment towards the original person
(perpetrator/target) whom the open anger expression was delivered at.
- If the resentment remains as an unresolved issue (not having adequately dealt with the original
cause or perpetrator) something down the road begins to irritate the "angry person", over time
he/she will not hold it in any longer
- This will lead to a repeat of the anger cycle of guilt, remorse, anger in, resentment, irritation and
anger out expression.
This is a dysfunctional, maladaptive and self-defeating model of handling,
controlling and managing anger.
Feelings felt, or associated with, expression of anger:
Fear, rage, wanting to make it better, upset, emotional release, sick, physically ill, displaced or
misdirected attack, apprehensive, sad, hurt, offended, frustration, lack of feeling, revengeful,
embarrassed, shaky, wanting to make it better, guilty, tense, uncomfortable, scared, "flight or fight"
stress response, and loss of composure.
Anger is a powerful force: before anger reaches these levels,
please seek counselling and learn to understand and conquer this madness.
CAUSES of Anger?
There are many "causes" of anger - and these will mostly be different for each person - although they may
share some in common (and any unresolved “causes” will result in “triggers” – see below).
The anger is often (usually) connected to an event, or events from the past.
The "event" that triggers it - is usually NOT the real reason - it becomes the "trigger" or "excuse".
- it is easy to detect this:
where it is not the real reason - the reaction will normally be totally out of proportion to what just happened,
or what was just said, etc.
Often, we get angry because something another person says or does, reminds us of some quality or habit we
have ourselves that we are unhappy with, but rather than dealing with our own weakness, we "project it" onto
others and take the anger at ourselves out on other people.
There are many "causes" of anger - and these will mostly be different for each person - although they may
share some in common (and any unresolved “causes” will result in “triggers” – see below).
The anger is often (usually) connected to an event, or events from the past.
The "event" that triggers it - is usually NOT the real reason - it becomes the "trigger" or "excuse".
- it is easy to detect this:
where it is not the real reason - the reaction will normally be totally out of proportion to what just happened,
or what was just said, etc.
Often, we get angry because something another person says or does, reminds us of some quality or habit we
have ourselves that we are unhappy with, but rather than dealing with our own weakness, we "project it" onto
others and take the anger at ourselves out on other people.
ANGER becomes a problem when it lasts too long, is too intense, and too frequent.
Triggers: Triggers are any current thing (or person) that reminds the angry person of the original hurts,
causes, events and/or people, etc, of the past that created the anger originally.
Therefore, sometimes (or often) a particular person (or event) can serve as a "trigger" because they remind
the angry person of things from the past, and the person or thing now in front of them become the
substitute for the one we're really angry at (therefore, often having a "hate on" for all authority figures
(for example; teachers, policemen, etc).
Actually, a current event can result in a reaction so intense that it brings the “original event” back in sharp
focus and detail, as if it were happening again, all over.
That’s why the reaction is so strong.
- Anger is also a problem when it affects our relationships with those we love or at work.
- How much has anger cost you in the past; and are you still willing to pay that cost?
- Thus both anger, and when it is a problem, will vary for each person, yet anger can be a normal part of
all our lives, if managed, conquered and controlled constructively and positively.
Triggers: Triggers are any current thing (or person) that reminds the angry person of the original hurts,
causes, events and/or people, etc, of the past that created the anger originally.
Therefore, sometimes (or often) a particular person (or event) can serve as a "trigger" because they remind
the angry person of things from the past, and the person or thing now in front of them become the
substitute for the one we're really angry at (therefore, often having a "hate on" for all authority figures
(for example; teachers, policemen, etc).
Actually, a current event can result in a reaction so intense that it brings the “original event” back in sharp
focus and detail, as if it were happening again, all over.
That’s why the reaction is so strong.
The following questions identify potential problems you may have with anger and/or control. It can point to
serious signs of danger in intimate relationships.
If you answered these honestly and truthfully, and you answered YES to more than half of these, you have
an anger, and an anger-control, problem. Counselling or a seminar or workshop can help.
serious signs of danger in intimate relationships.
- Do friends and family feel free to share their thoughts and feelings with you?
- If a stranger knew everything about your relationship with friends and family, would s/he say you get
along well with them? - Has anyone ever said s/he is afraid of you?
- Do your spouse and/or friends avoid conflict with you?
- Has someone ever received a bruise as a result of your actions during an argument?
- Have you ever broken an object (glass, chair, vase, ashtray, etc.) during or right after an argument?
- Have you ever called someone a bitch, bastard or some other derogatory name?
- Has a friend or spouse ever accused you of being angry, and you felt you had to prove him or her
wrong?
- Have you ever surprised yourself by how angry you got and by what you did?
- Have you ever hurt yourself punching or kicking a wall in anger?
- Have you ever been "blind" with rage, or could not remember what you did when angry?
- Would a friend or spouse say that you have ever slapped or hit him/her?
- Have you ever ripped someone's clothes when angry?
- When angry, have you shaken your fist or raised your hand toward someone?
If you answered these honestly and truthfully, and you answered YES to more than half of these, you have
an anger, and an anger-control, problem. Counselling or a seminar or workshop can help.
| Understanding, Managing and Controlling the destructive emotions and behaviours of Anger - Rage - Fury |
| Managing Anger, Rage and Fury: Understanding and Control |
| When Life Hurts When the hurts received from others reaches a point where people actually react to them, an amazingly curious thing happens: loved, prized or precious to them: it will be the thing/person they turn against and take it out on. As a child it might manifest as tearing legs, arms and head off most fav doll, or trashing a prize airplane model, or maiming or hurting a beloved pet; in adulthood it might be destroying a loved tool or appliance, attack & hurt the loved one, or push the loved one away harder and harder, or run as far away as possible. They attack, destroy, damage, maim, hurt or leave exactly those things or people most precious & loved to them. Only later, when all the demolition and carnage is done, do they take stock and fully come to realize, not just what they've done, but what they've lost. And this has been known for ages - there's a song about it that people have known for years: "You always hurt the one you love". And the pain will grow, and the hurt will grow, and the guilt will grow, and the self-hatred, self-loathing and self-disgust will grow. And rage will build. This is the point at which healing/recovery can begin - because that is when people are ready - or can be. Recover-Heal through Coaching |
The Effects of Anger On YOU: SUPPRESSED ANGER:
we have been taught to avoid expressing angry feelings
although we are all extremely angry people who are unaware of these feelings.
Taking Control of Your Anger: Controlled anger sometimes proves useful: it is the staying in control that
is important.
Lesson: anything done out of anger and in haste hurts others, destroys, and always comes back on yourself.
Facing your anger is an important first step.
Learning new reactions is an important second one.
You may find that meditation also helps.
Workshops - Seminars
Anger is a terrible, destructive force, but like most energy it can be harnessed for your benefit or allowed
to roam wildly and destroy you.
One of the main problems in anger control is that our culture does not teach functional ways for people to
handle anger and aggression - and thus it become suppressed - only to pop out at the first "trigger".
Understand and conquer this madness. Dare to start your healing journey today!
For extreme results of Anger, also see: Special Memorial - Montreal Massacre
Klaas Tuinman M.A
Dawn Cove Abbey
Deerfield, Yarmouth County, NS Rev: 2009
we have been taught to avoid expressing angry feelings
although we are all extremely angry people who are unaware of these feelings.
- Because we are unaware, our anger is expressed inappropriately in self destructive ways - more
about this in our Anger Workshop.
Taking Control of Your Anger: Controlled anger sometimes proves useful: it is the staying in control that
is important.
Lesson: anything done out of anger and in haste hurts others, destroys, and always comes back on yourself.
Facing your anger is an important first step.
Learning new reactions is an important second one.
You may find that meditation also helps.
Workshops - Seminars
Anger is a terrible, destructive force, but like most energy it can be harnessed for your benefit or allowed
to roam wildly and destroy you.
One of the main problems in anger control is that our culture does not teach functional ways for people to
handle anger and aggression - and thus it become suppressed - only to pop out at the first "trigger".
Understand and conquer this madness. Dare to start your healing journey today!
For extreme results of Anger, also see: Special Memorial - Montreal Massacre
Klaas Tuinman M.A
Dawn Cove Abbey
Deerfield, Yarmouth County, NS Rev: 2009
Healing the Wounded Inner Child Within
Other choices could have easily been made. It hurts when people know someone
chose to hurt them – by choice.
You/They CHOOSE to carry out that aggression. You/They can also choose NOT TO,
and you can turn your anger, and it's behaviours, around today - if you want to!
chose to hurt them – by choice.
You/They CHOOSE to carry out that aggression. You/They can also choose NOT TO,
and you can turn your anger, and it's behaviours, around today - if you want to!
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| Follow-up and Support Counseling to Seminars & Workshops Dawn Cove Abbey Empowerment Outreach is a registered not-for-profit business in the province of Nova Scotia, Canada |
If you have questions, comments or suggestions, please email. I'll be happy to hear from you.
| The Dawn Cove Abbey Tradition: Helping People Rediscover Themselves Established in 1995, in commemoration of Abbey Dawn in Kingston, Ontario. |
Anger intensity varies widely, and it is important to distinguish between the
normal anger, harm.
Anger comes in three forms, "degrees" or levels. They are:
normal anger, harm.
Anger comes in three forms, "degrees" or levels. They are:
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| People who really want to heal, will find a way; those who don't, will find an excuse. |
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NOTE: For Recovering/Healing from a dysfunctional family, coping with or overcoming a dysfunctional
(alcoholic) family/relationship, help is available here - Online, distance help/counselling works!
Related topics: Abuse & Violence, Children-Roles, Codependency & Male-Female Equality, Lifeskills or Building Trust
NOTE: For Recovering/Healing from a dysfunctional family, coping with or overcoming a dysfunctional
(alcoholic) family/relationship, help is available here - Online, distance help/counselling works!
Related topics: Abuse & Violence, Children-Roles, Codependency & Male-Female Equality, Lifeskills or Building Trust
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