| Reclaiming the Wounded, Inner Child Dear sweet little child inside of me, I only wish that you could see how sad I feel for not being there, when you needed help to conquer despair. The pain of heart that you went through, when innocence was snatched from you. Your feelings of betrayal - shame - I know your life was not the same. The trust and innocence you had are gone - and that's what makes me sad. 'Cause you should laugh, and romp, and play -- enjoying life in every way. When emotions are 'congealed' inside, you cannot, feelings e'er confide... with anger -frustration - you sail life's course, while your abuser ne'er feels remorse. Please don't hang your head in shame, because you really aren't to blame.. Release the guilt you feel inside, and hold your head up high with pride. I picture you, dear innocent child - with heart of gold, so tender, so mild... and hold you close in my embrace, as tears I wipe from your dear face. You see, I've come to RESCUE you from all the pain that you've been through. I'll ne'er let you be hurt again, because I am your long, lost friend!!!!! 1996 ~ Cynthia Becker |
Each of the personality types has special needs - and each type can recover if they are willing to take the
risk in believing they can change and heal - see "The Awakening".
The information describes Personality Types, traits, behaviour patterns and coping strategies of children
(who became adult children) from sick, dysfunctional families These are not illnesses you get.
They are normal reactions to severe dysfunction (especially from alcohol) - that become dysfunctional also
(this means, they begin to interfere with leading a functional, successful and satisfying life)..
The ROLES: * The Lost Child * The Ghost * The Adjuster Children
* The Responsible Child * The Family Hero * The Good Child * The Rebel
* The Problem Child * The Acting-Out Child * The Family Jerk * The Scapegoat
* The Rescuer * The Placater * The Mascot * The Caretaker
* The Clown * The Fixer * The Bully * The Last Hope
Dysfunction & Roles - "Causes"
A dysfunctional family system is a family in which one or both of the primary caretakers were unable to
fulfill their family responsibilities; or one in which physical, emotional, or sexual abuse was experienced.
risk in believing they can change and heal - see "The Awakening".
The information describes Personality Types, traits, behaviour patterns and coping strategies of children
(who became adult children) from sick, dysfunctional families These are not illnesses you get.
They are normal reactions to severe dysfunction (especially from alcohol) - that become dysfunctional also
(this means, they begin to interfere with leading a functional, successful and satisfying life)..
The ROLES: * The Lost Child * The Ghost * The Adjuster Children
* The Responsible Child * The Family Hero * The Good Child * The Rebel
* The Problem Child * The Acting-Out Child * The Family Jerk * The Scapegoat
* The Rescuer * The Placater * The Mascot * The Caretaker
* The Clown * The Fixer * The Bully * The Last Hope
Dysfunction & Roles - "Causes"
A dysfunctional family system is a family in which one or both of the primary caretakers were unable to
fulfill their family responsibilities; or one in which physical, emotional, or sexual abuse was experienced.
These roles are established in families as a defensive means of assuring that the family system survives
as the dependency, codependency and dysfunction accelerate.
These roles may save the family system, but are detrimental to the individual’s emotional and physical
health.
The role each family member plays is a defense. It covers true feelings and makes communication
difficult.
To make it more "confusing", because the personalities of the family are mangled, the character traits of
the children can be equally blurred. NOTE: There is no connection to "Multiple Personality Disorder"
here.
An Adult Child may have several of the above characteristics at one time, or may play a different role
within the family at different ages or depending on who they are responding to.
as the dependency, codependency and dysfunction accelerate.
These roles may save the family system, but are detrimental to the individual’s emotional and physical
health.
The role each family member plays is a defense. It covers true feelings and makes communication
difficult.
To make it more "confusing", because the personalities of the family are mangled, the character traits of
the children can be equally blurred. NOTE: There is no connection to "Multiple Personality Disorder"
here.
An Adult Child may have several of the above characteristics at one time, or may play a different role
within the family at different ages or depending on who they are responding to.
| When Life Hurts When the hurts received from others reaches a point where people actually react to them, an amazingly curious thing happens: they reveal what/who is most loved, prized or precious to them: it will be the thing/person they turn against and take it out on. As a child it might manifest as tearing legs, arms and head off most fav doll, or trashing a prize airplane model, or maiming or hurting a beloved pet; in adulthood it might be destroying a loved tool or appliance, attack & hurt the loved one, or push the loved one away harder and harder, or run as far away as possible. They attack, destroy, damage, maim, hurt or leave exactly those things or people most precious & loved to them. Only later, when all the demolition and carnage is done, do they take stock and fully come to realize, not just what they've done, but what they've lost. And this has been known for ages - there's a song about it that people have known for years: "You always hurt the one you love". And the pain will grow, and the hurt will grow, and the guilt will grow, and the self-hatred, self-loathing and self-disgust will grow. And rage will build. This is the point at which healing/recovery can begin - because that is when people are ready - or can be. Recover-Heal through Counselling |
In the dysfunctional family system, roles limit psycho-social development because individuality is
discouraged and role behaviorism is rewarded instead.
“What you are” becomes more important than “who you are” – this totally diminishes self-worth (self-
esteem).
Each family member’s personality is shaped by the dictation of the family system, and not through the
individual’s own needs, feelings, temperament and choices.
Dysfunctional family member’s perception of themselves, their family and their world is colored by the
role the family system has bestowed upon them.
ROLES: the effects of Dysfunction and Dysfunctional families are devastating to the child/children
born into it (also see "Inner Child").
These effects will last throughout their lives (some can be minimized and will not necessarily have major
negative residual effects. Unfortunately, that is not so for the Lost Child role.
Children in dysfunctional families adopt these roles as a means of coping with the day-to-day chaos of
family life. If you grew up in a dysfunctional family home, you most likely adopted one or more of the
roles below.
discouraged and role behaviorism is rewarded instead.
“What you are” becomes more important than “who you are” – this totally diminishes self-worth (self-
esteem).
Each family member’s personality is shaped by the dictation of the family system, and not through the
individual’s own needs, feelings, temperament and choices.
Dysfunctional family member’s perception of themselves, their family and their world is colored by the
role the family system has bestowed upon them.
ROLES: the effects of Dysfunction and Dysfunctional families are devastating to the child/children
born into it (also see "Inner Child").
These effects will last throughout their lives (some can be minimized and will not necessarily have major
negative residual effects. Unfortunately, that is not so for the Lost Child role.
Children in dysfunctional families adopt these roles as a means of coping with the day-to-day chaos of
family life. If you grew up in a dysfunctional family home, you most likely adopted one or more of the
roles below.
- They are "normal" survival responses & strategies that become personality traits: an important
thing to remember.
- Each role is a recognizable separate item, or behaviour pattern - a strategy.
- The adult children will find it hard to act outside of the family roles they have adopted, for
hidden inside, the child feels shame, guilt and in crisis, and they often avoid expressing any
feelings.
- The family roles in dysfunctional families are not chosen but adopted by children of dysfunctional
families as a means of survival. This is particularly evident during times of stress.
- The “taking on a role” is an unconscious act – it is not deliberate. These roles are played right
through adulthood: they are part of our learning process. They are products of our environment
(family, community & cultural) – also see Denial - Enabling.
If the descriptions below seem to describe you (or someone you
know) and it is affecting your/their life negatively, and you/they
want to change it - help is available here - because:
It can be overcome - Healing and recovery are entirely
possible through coaching/counselling.
(The Lost Child definitely will require intensive
counselling/therapy, and working with Lost Child victims is my
professional specialty).
The “roles” (personality types) that emerge for children in their
attempts to make sense of the chaos: the personality types are:
The Major victim: The LOST Child Syndrome (The Lost
Child, also called The Ghost & The Doormat and very similar to
the Last Hope Child) are collectively called the Adjuster
Child/Children.
This is the only one of the “roles” which is a syndrome: it
consists of the role (Lost Child) plus includes Dissociative
Disorder and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).
The Lost Child has the most wounded inner child of all (s/He
often suffers from Multiple Personality Disorder/Dissociative
Identity Disorder). I have devoted an entire separate page to that
role. Also see "Inner Child - Child Within"
know) and it is affecting your/their life negatively, and you/they
want to change it - help is available here - because:
It can be overcome - Healing and recovery are entirely
possible through coaching/counselling.
(The Lost Child definitely will require intensive
counselling/therapy, and working with Lost Child victims is my
professional specialty).
The “roles” (personality types) that emerge for children in their
attempts to make sense of the chaos: the personality types are:
The Major victim: The LOST Child Syndrome (The Lost
Child, also called The Ghost & The Doormat and very similar to
the Last Hope Child) are collectively called the Adjuster
Child/Children.
This is the only one of the “roles” which is a syndrome: it
consists of the role (Lost Child) plus includes Dissociative
Disorder and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).
The Lost Child has the most wounded inner child of all (s/He
often suffers from Multiple Personality Disorder/Dissociative
Identity Disorder). I have devoted an entire separate page to that
role. Also see "Inner Child - Child Within"
These Hero children give the family self-worth because they look good on the outside. They are the good students; the sports stars; the prom queens. The parents
look to this child to prove that they are good parents and good people.
As an adult, the Good Child/Family Hero is rigid, controlling, and extremely judgmental (although perhaps very subtle about it) - of others, and secretly of
themselves. They achieve "success" on the outside and get lots of positive attention, but are cut off from their inner emotional life, from their True Self. They are
compulsive and driven as adults because deep inside they feel inadequate and insecure: they have an inferiority complex.
The Family Hero children, because of their "success" in conforming to dysfunctional cultural definitions of what constitutes doing life "right", is often the child in
the family who as an adult has the hardest time even admitting that there is anything within themselves that needs to be healed. They are emotionally stunted.
This child is often a workaholic who can identify other's needs and meet them, but is without an understanding of their own needs. They are often the children who
use their success to find a sense of belonging. This is the one who shows the family that it is "alright," but who is unable to feel the benefit of his/her achievements.
They feel like frauds and are subject to depressions which they hide from those around them.
In group situations, the Good Child takes on too much responsibility, disallowing the empowerment of others. They run things, but without much joy or
satisfaction. The Good Child can get self-righteous or persecutory if they are feeling unappreciated.
look to this child to prove that they are good parents and good people.
As an adult, the Good Child/Family Hero is rigid, controlling, and extremely judgmental (although perhaps very subtle about it) - of others, and secretly of
themselves. They achieve "success" on the outside and get lots of positive attention, but are cut off from their inner emotional life, from their True Self. They are
compulsive and driven as adults because deep inside they feel inadequate and insecure: they have an inferiority complex.
The Family Hero children, because of their "success" in conforming to dysfunctional cultural definitions of what constitutes doing life "right", is often the child in
the family who as an adult has the hardest time even admitting that there is anything within themselves that needs to be healed. They are emotionally stunted.
This child is often a workaholic who can identify other's needs and meet them, but is without an understanding of their own needs. They are often the children who
use their success to find a sense of belonging. This is the one who shows the family that it is "alright," but who is unable to feel the benefit of his/her achievements.
They feel like frauds and are subject to depressions which they hide from those around them.
In group situations, the Good Child takes on too much responsibility, disallowing the empowerment of others. They run things, but without much joy or
satisfaction. The Good Child can get self-righteous or persecutory if they are feeling unappreciated.
* The Rebel * The Problem Child * The Acting-Out Child * The Family Jerk
This child is in action at the slightest provocation, whether as an hero to prevent abuse to someone else (by distracting the abuser), or to protect himself/herself
with wildness. This is the child who is most visible to the outside world.
These children are often involved in unacceptable behaviour, such as fighting, stealing or acting out, and who may adopt alcoholism, drug addiction or other
compulsive behaviour early in defiance of the family system.
They get their attention in negative ways. These children often understand what is going on in their family better than the others do. They tend to be strong leaders
and creative individuals. However, they may have poor social skills and have difficulty dealing with authority.
This child is the barometer of the family dynamics. As the Problem Child, he/she does poorly in school, gets into trouble, turns to drugs, gets pregnant or otherwise
causes problems that take focus away from the family problems. The child does not do this consciously, but is driven by his/her own intolerable sensitivity.
In group situations the Problem Child/Member role may mix among a few people. They are often in crisis, which distracts the group from moving forward. There is
more permission to leave in a group than there is in a family, and the Problem Child may do just that.
The group may then find that problems suddenly pop up in another member. If the Problem Child does not leave, she/he may serve another function in the system:
the Scapegoat.
This child is in action at the slightest provocation, whether as an hero to prevent abuse to someone else (by distracting the abuser), or to protect himself/herself
with wildness. This is the child who is most visible to the outside world.
These children are often involved in unacceptable behaviour, such as fighting, stealing or acting out, and who may adopt alcoholism, drug addiction or other
compulsive behaviour early in defiance of the family system.
They get their attention in negative ways. These children often understand what is going on in their family better than the others do. They tend to be strong leaders
and creative individuals. However, they may have poor social skills and have difficulty dealing with authority.
This child is the barometer of the family dynamics. As the Problem Child, he/she does poorly in school, gets into trouble, turns to drugs, gets pregnant or otherwise
causes problems that take focus away from the family problems. The child does not do this consciously, but is driven by his/her own intolerable sensitivity.
In group situations the Problem Child/Member role may mix among a few people. They are often in crisis, which distracts the group from moving forward. There is
more permission to leave in a group than there is in a family, and the Problem Child may do just that.
The group may then find that problems suddenly pop up in another member. If the Problem Child does not leave, she/he may serve another function in the system:
the Scapegoat.
The Scapegoat
This is the child that the family feels ashamed of - and the most emotionally honest child in the family. He/she acts out the tension and anger the family ignores.
This child provides distraction from the real issues in the family. The scapegoat usually has trouble in school because they get attention the only way they know
how - which is negatively. They often become pregnant or addicted as teenagers as a way of expressing their anger at the family.
These children are usually the most sensitive and caring; which is why they feel such tremendous hurt. They are romantics who become very cynical and
distrustful. They have a lot of self-hatred and can be very self-destructive. This often results in this child becoming the first person in the family to get into some
kind of recovery.
The Scapegoat also takes the blame and shame for the actions of other family members by being the most visibly dysfunctional. This child serves the family by
being sick or crazy to allow the other members of the family to ignore their own dysfunction.
This is also the child who holds the family together — the family rallies to help the family jerk. He/She learns to remain dysfunctional to continue receiving the
little attention available in a dysfunctional home by making the family "okay". They do this by being the focus of all that is "not okay" which all members of the
family vaguely sense.
Scapegoats are identified as the "family problem." They function as a sort of pressure valve. When tension builds in the family, the scapegoat will misbehave as a
way of relieving pressure while allowing the family to avoid dealing with the drinking problem. Scapegoats tend to be unaware of any feelings other than anger.
The Scapegoat is the one who gets the blame for the dysfunctional system. ("Johnny/Suzy causes such problems, I can't get anything done.") The family itself is
rarely able to perceive that their whole way of functioning is sick. Instead, it puts all its anger into scapegoating, which, of course, increases the problems.
In groups, the Scapegoat may be the newest member, the group leader, the editor of a newsletter, or the one who generally has the most problems with the group
process. Like the Problem Child, they may choose to leave; but another person will quickly become the Scapegoat in their place.
This is the child that the family feels ashamed of - and the most emotionally honest child in the family. He/she acts out the tension and anger the family ignores.
This child provides distraction from the real issues in the family. The scapegoat usually has trouble in school because they get attention the only way they know
how - which is negatively. They often become pregnant or addicted as teenagers as a way of expressing their anger at the family.
These children are usually the most sensitive and caring; which is why they feel such tremendous hurt. They are romantics who become very cynical and
distrustful. They have a lot of self-hatred and can be very self-destructive. This often results in this child becoming the first person in the family to get into some
kind of recovery.
The Scapegoat also takes the blame and shame for the actions of other family members by being the most visibly dysfunctional. This child serves the family by
being sick or crazy to allow the other members of the family to ignore their own dysfunction.
This is also the child who holds the family together — the family rallies to help the family jerk. He/She learns to remain dysfunctional to continue receiving the
little attention available in a dysfunctional home by making the family "okay". They do this by being the focus of all that is "not okay" which all members of the
family vaguely sense.
Scapegoats are identified as the "family problem." They function as a sort of pressure valve. When tension builds in the family, the scapegoat will misbehave as a
way of relieving pressure while allowing the family to avoid dealing with the drinking problem. Scapegoats tend to be unaware of any feelings other than anger.
The Scapegoat is the one who gets the blame for the dysfunctional system. ("Johnny/Suzy causes such problems, I can't get anything done.") The family itself is
rarely able to perceive that their whole way of functioning is sick. Instead, it puts all its anger into scapegoating, which, of course, increases the problems.
In groups, the Scapegoat may be the newest member, the group leader, the editor of a newsletter, or the one who generally has the most problems with the group
process. Like the Problem Child, they may choose to leave; but another person will quickly become the Scapegoat in their place.
The Rescuer * Placater * Mascot * Caretaker * Clown * Fixer
This child takes responsibility for the emotional wellbeing of the family and works at minimizing the negative feelings experienced by other family members.
They become the family’s 'social director' and/or clown. This diverts the family's attention from the pain and anger, and thus they “rescue” the family in this
manner.
These children become adults who are valued for their kind heart, generosity, and ability to listen to others. Their whole self-definition is centered on others.
They have difficulty focusing on themselves, and they therefore don't know how to get their own needs met. They are warm, empathetic and sensitive
individuals, but they tend to put up with inappropriate behaviour from other people.
The Rescuer is often (but not always) a younger child who uses humour or other distracting behaviour, such as being exceptional clumsy or always in trouble, to
take the focus of the family away from the problems of the family dysfunction. If the parent is violently drunk, the Mascot may take the abuse to "save" the rest
of the family, or may be able to crack a joke at the necessary moment to take everyone's mind off the pain of their reality.
The Rescuer is similar to the Family Hero, but without the visible success. The Rescuer finds those in need, lets them move in or marries them or finds a job for
them, while supplying other needs and is very understanding of the frequent betrayals.
The rescuer has a deep-seated self hate that drives them to their role as a saviour, because they know that anyone not already at the bottom of the barrel would
have nothing to do with them. They tend to feel inadequate in their giving and unable to accept help for their own needs.
Like the Good Child, the Fixer/Rescuer is constantly trying to smooth things out. They become a Codependent -- one who is fixated on solving others'
problems in a way that ignores their own, and allows the others to continue in self-destructive behaviour.
As The Clown, this child keeps himself and the family distracted by playing the entertainer. The Clown denies that there is any problem, gets attention for
himself through bringing some joviality into a grim situation, and keeps the emotional pain at a tolerable level.
Later in life the Clown is still distracting group process, often getting strokes for it because they do alleviate a dreary situation, yet they prevent true work from
being accomplished. No group would be complete without them, they are often seen as the group's saviour, yet their fixing is more like an aspirin than a cure.
They're the ones we can't live with, and can't live without.
Placater children learn early to smooth over potentially upsetting situations in the family. They seem to have an uncanny ability to sense what others are
feeling at the expense of their own feelings. They tend to take total responsibility for the emotional care of the family. Because of their experience in this role,
they often choose careers as helping professionals, careers which can reinforce their tendencies to ignore their own needs.
They become adults who cannot receive love; only give it. They often have caseloads rather than friendships. They tend to get involved in abusive relationships
in an attempt to "save" the other person. They go into the helping professions and become nurses, and social workers, and therapists. They have very low self-
worth and feel a lot of guilt that they work very hard to overcome by being really "nice" (i.e, people pleasing, classically codependent) people.
The Bully: This child is usually the victim of physical, sexual and/or emotional abuse, who successfully makes the mental transition to stop being the victim by
victimizing others. Often the Bully is genuinely remorseful for the pain and suffering caused to others, but will continue inflicting that abuse rather than face
his/her own pain.
The Last Hope Child is similar to the Lost Child. The Last Hope child is the caretaker for the family when all other members have become unable to continue
their roles. Often the Last Child is raised on comments like "You'll never hurt me like so and so." These children may work themselves to death trying to do
"what's right" for blood relations or adopted families, no matter what the expense to their own life (also "The Lost Child").
This child takes responsibility for the emotional wellbeing of the family and works at minimizing the negative feelings experienced by other family members.
They become the family’s 'social director' and/or clown. This diverts the family's attention from the pain and anger, and thus they “rescue” the family in this
manner.
These children become adults who are valued for their kind heart, generosity, and ability to listen to others. Their whole self-definition is centered on others.
They have difficulty focusing on themselves, and they therefore don't know how to get their own needs met. They are warm, empathetic and sensitive
individuals, but they tend to put up with inappropriate behaviour from other people.
The Rescuer is often (but not always) a younger child who uses humour or other distracting behaviour, such as being exceptional clumsy or always in trouble, to
take the focus of the family away from the problems of the family dysfunction. If the parent is violently drunk, the Mascot may take the abuse to "save" the rest
of the family, or may be able to crack a joke at the necessary moment to take everyone's mind off the pain of their reality.
The Rescuer is similar to the Family Hero, but without the visible success. The Rescuer finds those in need, lets them move in or marries them or finds a job for
them, while supplying other needs and is very understanding of the frequent betrayals.
The rescuer has a deep-seated self hate that drives them to their role as a saviour, because they know that anyone not already at the bottom of the barrel would
have nothing to do with them. They tend to feel inadequate in their giving and unable to accept help for their own needs.
Like the Good Child, the Fixer/Rescuer is constantly trying to smooth things out. They become a Codependent -- one who is fixated on solving others'
problems in a way that ignores their own, and allows the others to continue in self-destructive behaviour.
As The Clown, this child keeps himself and the family distracted by playing the entertainer. The Clown denies that there is any problem, gets attention for
himself through bringing some joviality into a grim situation, and keeps the emotional pain at a tolerable level.
Later in life the Clown is still distracting group process, often getting strokes for it because they do alleviate a dreary situation, yet they prevent true work from
being accomplished. No group would be complete without them, they are often seen as the group's saviour, yet their fixing is more like an aspirin than a cure.
They're the ones we can't live with, and can't live without.
Placater children learn early to smooth over potentially upsetting situations in the family. They seem to have an uncanny ability to sense what others are
feeling at the expense of their own feelings. They tend to take total responsibility for the emotional care of the family. Because of their experience in this role,
they often choose careers as helping professionals, careers which can reinforce their tendencies to ignore their own needs.
They become adults who cannot receive love; only give it. They often have caseloads rather than friendships. They tend to get involved in abusive relationships
in an attempt to "save" the other person. They go into the helping professions and become nurses, and social workers, and therapists. They have very low self-
worth and feel a lot of guilt that they work very hard to overcome by being really "nice" (i.e, people pleasing, classically codependent) people.
The Bully: This child is usually the victim of physical, sexual and/or emotional abuse, who successfully makes the mental transition to stop being the victim by
victimizing others. Often the Bully is genuinely remorseful for the pain and suffering caused to others, but will continue inflicting that abuse rather than face
his/her own pain.
The Last Hope Child is similar to the Lost Child. The Last Hope child is the caretaker for the family when all other members have become unable to continue
their roles. Often the Last Child is raised on comments like "You'll never hurt me like so and so." These children may work themselves to death trying to do
"what's right" for blood relations or adopted families, no matter what the expense to their own life (also "The Lost Child").
The clearer you can see yourself the easier it becomes to find more balance in your life - to find more happiness, fulfillment, and serenity: toward achieving
your full Human Potential. Read “Rules For Being Human” as well.
Klaas Tuinman M.A.
Dawn Cove Abbey
Deerfield, Nova Scotia
2008
your full Human Potential. Read “Rules For Being Human” as well.
Klaas Tuinman M.A.
Dawn Cove Abbey
Deerfield, Nova Scotia
2008
| CALL TO A WOUNDED CHILD Walk with Me Through darkened rooms we'll climb Past covered dust-filled sculptures in the night With hand in Mine we'll fight the shadows left behind Till all that's hid within is brought to light Fear not that which is lurking in the dark Nor tremble at the sights which you have seen For if in Me you trust with all your heart Then all the times of sorrow I'll redeem |
The Responsible Child * The Family Hero * The Good Child
This child is an achiever, this is usually (but not always) the oldest child. This is the child who is
"9 going on 40."
This child tries to transcend (rise above) the sickness of family the environment by behaving like
an angel. In taking on adult responsibility at a young age, the Responsible Child strives to excel at
everything. They take on other people's problems and generally compensate for feelings of
inferiority, with a drive to accomplish and prove themselves.
This child takes over the parent role at a very young age, becoming very responsible and
self-sufficient. When this takes the form of parenting younger children, the child becomes a junior
mom or dad (they become "parentified").
Then he/she plays out the "higher-powered" parent role in later relationships. They are good
leaders and decision-makers, but have difficulty listening and negotiating with others.
This child is an achiever, this is usually (but not always) the oldest child. This is the child who is
"9 going on 40."
This child tries to transcend (rise above) the sickness of family the environment by behaving like
an angel. In taking on adult responsibility at a young age, the Responsible Child strives to excel at
everything. They take on other people's problems and generally compensate for feelings of
inferiority, with a drive to accomplish and prove themselves.
This child takes over the parent role at a very young age, becoming very responsible and
self-sufficient. When this takes the form of parenting younger children, the child becomes a junior
mom or dad (they become "parentified").
Then he/she plays out the "higher-powered" parent role in later relationships. They are good
leaders and decision-makers, but have difficulty listening and negotiating with others.
If you have a question about this topic - don't hesitate to write:
there is no charge, and you will receive an answer - without any unwanted follow-up.
Help is available here through counselling/coaching - or an ear to listen to you;
Distance Counselling Works!
See Contact-Info for more - and how to write, email, or call (with no obligation):
email: outreach@dawncoveabbey.org.
Workshop-Retreats / Seminars Healing Circle available.
there is no charge, and you will receive an answer - without any unwanted follow-up.
Help is available here through counselling/coaching - or an ear to listen to you;
Distance Counselling Works!
See Contact-Info for more - and how to write, email, or call (with no obligation):
email: outreach@dawncoveabbey.org.
Workshop-Retreats / Seminars Healing Circle available.
Summary:
Please remember: the descriptions above simply illustrate the "automatic, reflex" coping strategies adopted by children growing up in negative environments.
They are not diseases, nor are they signs of mental illness. They are behaviours which have outlived their usefulness and now become barriers to living productive,
and satisfying lives. They can be changed - it is no more difficult to change them and begin living positively, than it is to hang onto them and live negatively.
Each personality type has its special needs for healing, and each type can recover if they are willing to take the risk in believing they can change and heal. Because
the personalities of the family are mangled, the character traits of the children can be equally blurred.
In adulthood, the child may have several of the above characteristics at one time, or may play a different role within the family at different ages or depending on
who they are responding to.
The patterns that occur are as many and varied as the people we are. The mistake comes from focusing too much on the individual roles, and failing to see the
dynamics of the system as a whole. We can focus on the plight of the poor Scapegoat, or the burden on the Fixer, but we tend to focus on an individual, through
the lens of our own roles, instead of learning to think as a system.
In a family or group system, everything affects everything else. Scapegoat or Clown, Leader or Ghost, the whole system is affected by each action and presence
(or absence). Those who obviously have power are no more important than those who appear to have less power, and all have equal ability to topple the system.
The “positive” aspects:
We adopt the roles that are best suited to our personalities (we are born with a certain personality). What happens with the roles we adopt in our family dynamic
is that we get a twisted, sick and distorted view of who we are as a result of our personality melding (blending) with the roles.
This is dysfunctional - it causes us to not be able to see ourselves clearly. As long as we are still reacting to our childhood wounding and old tapes then we cannot
get in touch clearly with who we really are. We can heal - any time we want to!
It is important to remember that the false self that we develop to survive is never totally false - there is always some Truth in it.
For example, people who go into the helping professions do truly care and are not doing what they do simply out of Codependence. Nothing is black and white -
everything in life involves various shades of grey.
Healing is about getting honest with ourselves, and finding some balance in our life.
Healing is about seeing ourselves more clearly and honestly so that we can start being true to who we really are, instead of to who are parents wanted us to be.
Note that reacting to the other extreme by rebelling against who they wanted us to be is still living life in reaction to our childhoods. It is still giving power over
how we live our life to the past instead of seeing clearly so that we can own our choices today.
Please remember: the descriptions above simply illustrate the "automatic, reflex" coping strategies adopted by children growing up in negative environments.
They are not diseases, nor are they signs of mental illness. They are behaviours which have outlived their usefulness and now become barriers to living productive,
and satisfying lives. They can be changed - it is no more difficult to change them and begin living positively, than it is to hang onto them and live negatively.
Each personality type has its special needs for healing, and each type can recover if they are willing to take the risk in believing they can change and heal. Because
the personalities of the family are mangled, the character traits of the children can be equally blurred.
In adulthood, the child may have several of the above characteristics at one time, or may play a different role within the family at different ages or depending on
who they are responding to.
The patterns that occur are as many and varied as the people we are. The mistake comes from focusing too much on the individual roles, and failing to see the
dynamics of the system as a whole. We can focus on the plight of the poor Scapegoat, or the burden on the Fixer, but we tend to focus on an individual, through
the lens of our own roles, instead of learning to think as a system.
In a family or group system, everything affects everything else. Scapegoat or Clown, Leader or Ghost, the whole system is affected by each action and presence
(or absence). Those who obviously have power are no more important than those who appear to have less power, and all have equal ability to topple the system.
The “positive” aspects:
We adopt the roles that are best suited to our personalities (we are born with a certain personality). What happens with the roles we adopt in our family dynamic
is that we get a twisted, sick and distorted view of who we are as a result of our personality melding (blending) with the roles.
This is dysfunctional - it causes us to not be able to see ourselves clearly. As long as we are still reacting to our childhood wounding and old tapes then we cannot
get in touch clearly with who we really are. We can heal - any time we want to!
It is important to remember that the false self that we develop to survive is never totally false - there is always some Truth in it.
For example, people who go into the helping professions do truly care and are not doing what they do simply out of Codependence. Nothing is black and white -
everything in life involves various shades of grey.
Healing is about getting honest with ourselves, and finding some balance in our life.
Healing is about seeing ourselves more clearly and honestly so that we can start being true to who we really are, instead of to who are parents wanted us to be.
Note that reacting to the other extreme by rebelling against who they wanted us to be is still living life in reaction to our childhoods. It is still giving power over
how we live our life to the past instead of seeing clearly so that we can own our choices today.
Adult Children of Alcoholic Dysfunctional Families Coping Roles
You are a child of the universe, and you have a right to be here: Victims No More
Copimg & Survival Roles - Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families/Relationships - negative strategies
- #1"cause" is poor, or non-existent parenting skills: in the common prototypes of a dysfunctional
family/relationship, family heads under-function & provide few boundaries and little guidance for
their children - who are left to fend for themselves. - Others are inconsistent communication, a parent with a mental illness, poverty, or violence/abuse.
- Many often violate basic boundaries of appropriate behavior. The results is that family members
(especially the children) will have profound difficulties both with their own conduct, and their ability
to deal with others (social dificulties/problems). - Frequently, the dysfunctional family stems from alcoholism, or other addiction (generational or not).
- The problems created tend to be chronic, and even if abuse of alcohol or addiction ends, the family
system that is created will be continued in the children of the children. The damage is done to the
"inner child" - it has profoundly devastating effects, as you will see below.
In Dysfunctional Families/Relationships with their inconsistent and unpredictable parenting, (or being
uncaring, neglectful, or critical parents) -negative, destructive child interactions result. With all the family
members - especially the children - develop or assume "roles" (personality traits & behaviours).
An Interesting Thought:
If you are one that this description fits, and are searching for a way to heal, and it was your parents who were involved in bringing about this situation - the
following might be helpful:
"I didn't stop my father, I couldn't save my mother, really, what was there besides fear. Fear became my good friend. And between 14 and 25, I attempted to kill
myself.
Because when you think that fear is the only thing that you know and have, then suicide seems like a good alternative. And so I tried three times.
And finally that third time, I realized that I had to either make a new choice, which was to give up my parents - not give up my parents - love for my parents,
but have them quit running my life, and quit having fear in my life or I was going to end up living in a psychiatric ward for the rest of my life."
~Anon
If you are one that this description fits, and are searching for a way to heal, and it was your parents who were involved in bringing about this situation - the
following might be helpful:
"I didn't stop my father, I couldn't save my mother, really, what was there besides fear. Fear became my good friend. And between 14 and 25, I attempted to kill
myself.
Because when you think that fear is the only thing that you know and have, then suicide seems like a good alternative. And so I tried three times.
And finally that third time, I realized that I had to either make a new choice, which was to give up my parents - not give up my parents - love for my parents,
but have them quit running my life, and quit having fear in my life or I was going to end up living in a psychiatric ward for the rest of my life."
~Anon
Above all, remember: people who really want to heal, will find a way; those who don't will find an excuse.
| Take a Stand against a "social sickness" - Child Pornography. Light a Candle to stop Child Pornography, just click below on the word "stop", and it will take you directly to the website prepared for it. STOP |
Adult Children of Alcoholic & dysfunctional Families (ACA-ACOA): coping roles & strategies.
The information you will read below are descriptions, not indictments – it describes behaviour patterns &
strategies that were learned – and which can be changed.
These are "roles", not sicknesses - change and healing are totally possible.
The information you will read below are descriptions, not indictments – it describes behaviour patterns &
strategies that were learned – and which can be changed.
These are "roles", not sicknesses - change and healing are totally possible.
| Click Graphic to Enter |
NOTE: The descriptions you are about to read are not "stereo-types" - they are patterns of behaviour that survivors/victims display. Not all
people falling into these categories will display all the characteristics - some may, but many will not.
As well, some people will display characteristics of more than one of the "roles" - each person develops their own personal coping style.
people falling into these categories will display all the characteristics - some may, but many will not.
As well, some people will display characteristics of more than one of the "roles" - each person develops their own personal coping style.
Helping Adult Children make sense of
chaotic lives: healing & recovery
chaotic lives: healing & recovery
| Dawn Cove Abbey Empowerment Outreach - New Beginning Online Information Resources, and other supports for Adult Children of an Alcoholic, Dysfunctional Family (ACA-ACOA) LIFE COUNSELING / COACHING / COUNSELLING and CONSULTING: HEALING YOUR WOUNDED INNER CHILD |
Empowerment: Counselling - Life Coaching,
Seminars, Workshops & Retreats
Seminars, Workshops & Retreats
| When life hurts - there is immediate help for long term hope |
Only the Wounded Heal; Only the Separated Reconcile
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