 |  |  |  |  |  |
| Reclaiming the Wounded, Inner Child Dear sweet little child inside of me, I only wish that you could see how sad I feel for not being there, when you needed help to conquer despair. The pain of heart that you went through, when innocence was snatched from you. Your feelings of betrayal - shame - I know your life was not the same. The trust and innocence you had are gone - and that's what makes me sad. 'Cause you should laugh, and romp, and play -- enjoying life in every way. When emotions are 'congealed' inside, you cannot, feelings e'er confide... with anger -frustration - you sail life's course, while your abuser ne'er feels remorse. Please don't hang your head in shame, because you really aren't to blame.. Release the guilt you feel inside, and hold your head up high with pride. I picture you, dear innocent child - with heart of gold, so tender, so mild... and hold you close in my embrace, as tears I wipe from your dear face. You see, I've come to RESCUE you from all the pain that you've been through. because I am your long, lost friend!!!!! 1996 ~ Cynthia Becker |
Each of the behaviour patterns, and the personality types that develop, has special needs - and each
type can recover if they are willing
The information below describes Behavioural Types, traits,
behaviour patterns and coping
These are not illnesses you get.
They are defensive, adaptive and "normal" reactions to severe dysfunction (especially from
alcohol) - that become dysfunctional also (this means, they begin to interfere with leading a
functional, successful and satisfying life).
These are not psychiatric categories or classifications.
The ROLES: * The Lost Child * The Ghost * The Adjuster Children
* The Responsible Child * The Family Hero * The Good Child * The Rebel
* The Problem Child * The Acting-Out Child * The Family Jerk * The Scapegoat
* The Rescuer * The Placater * The Mascot * The Caretaker
* The Clown * The Fixer * The Bully * The Last Hope
Dysfunction & Roles - "Causes"
A dysfunctional family system is a family in which one or both of the primary caretakers
were unable to fulfill their family responsibilities - or simply didn't do it; or one in which physical,
emotional, or sexual abuse was experienced (see Dysfunctional Family).
type can recover if they are willing
The information below describes Behavioural Types, traits,
behaviour patterns and coping
These are not illnesses you get.
They are defensive, adaptive and "normal" reactions to severe dysfunction (especially from
alcohol) - that become dysfunctional also (this means, they begin to interfere with leading a
functional, successful and satisfying life).
These are not psychiatric categories or classifications.
The ROLES: * The Lost Child * The Ghost * The Adjuster Children
* The Responsible Child * The Family Hero * The Good Child * The Rebel
* The Problem Child * The Acting-Out Child * The Family Jerk * The Scapegoat
* The Rescuer * The Placater * The Mascot * The Caretaker
* The Clown * The Fixer * The Bully * The Last Hope
Dysfunction & Roles - "Causes"
A dysfunctional family system is a family in which one or both of the primary caretakers
were unable to fulfill their family responsibilities - or simply didn't do it; or one in which physical,
emotional, or sexual abuse was experienced (see Dysfunctional Family).
The number 1 "cause" for these roles is poor, or non-existent parenting skills: in the common
prototypes of a dysfunctional family/relationship, family heads under-function & provide few
boundaries and little guidance for their children - who are left to fend for themselves.
In Dysfunctional Families/Relationships with their inconsistent and unpredictable parenting, (or
being uncaring, neglectful, or critical parents) -negative, destructive child interactions result.
With all the family members - especially the children
- develop or assume "roles" (personality traits & behaviours).
____________________________________________________________________
prototypes of a dysfunctional family/relationship, family heads under-function & provide few
boundaries and little guidance for their children - who are left to fend for themselves.
- Others are inconsistent communication, a parent with a mental illness, poverty, or
violence/abuse.
- Many often violate basic boundaries of appropriate behavior. The results is that family
members (especially the children) will have profound difficulties both with their own
conduct, and their ability to deal with others (social dificulties/problems).
- Frequently, the dysfunctional family stems from alcoholism, or other addiction (generational
or not).
- The problems created tend to be chronic, and even if abuse of alcohol or addiction ends, the
family system that is created will be continued in the children of the children. The damage
is done to the "inner child" - it has profoundly devastating effects, as you will see below.
In Dysfunctional Families/Relationships with their inconsistent and unpredictable parenting, (or
being uncaring, neglectful, or critical parents) -negative, destructive child interactions result.
With all the family members - especially the children
- develop or assume "roles" (personality traits & behaviours).
____________________________________________________________________
| Can Adult wounded children who recover and heal lead creative, functional lives? Yes, they can - and they do! One young lady I know, who despite having some dark days, writes excellent poetry. You can find it on her blog site - click HERE Also see - Survivors Podium on this site, with brief stories from those who succeeded. - please consider sharing your story - |
These roles are established in families as a defensive means of assuring that the family system
survives as the dependency, codependency and dysfunction accelerate.
While these roles may save the family system,
they are detrimental to the individual’s emotional and physical health.
The role each family member plays is a defense one.
It covers true feelings and makes communication difficult.
To make it more "confusing", because the personalities of the family are mangled, the character
traits of the children can be equally blurred.
NOTE: There is no connection to "Multiple Personality Disorder" here.
An Adult Child may have several of the above characteristics at one time,
or may play a different role within the family at different ages,
or depending on who they are responding to.
survives as the dependency, codependency and dysfunction accelerate.
While these roles may save the family system,
they are detrimental to the individual’s emotional and physical health.
The role each family member plays is a defense one.
It covers true feelings and makes communication difficult.
To make it more "confusing", because the personalities of the family are mangled, the character
traits of the children can be equally blurred.
NOTE: There is no connection to "Multiple Personality Disorder" here.
An Adult Child may have several of the above characteristics at one time,
or may play a different role within the family at different ages,
or depending on who they are responding to.
| When Life Hurts When the hurts received from others reaches a point where people actually react to them, an amazingly curious thing happens: they reveal what/who is most loved, prized or precious to them: it will be the thing/person they turn against and take it out on. As a child it might manifest as tearing legs, arms and head off most fav doll, or trashing a prize airplane model, or maiming or hurting a beloved pet; in adulthood it might be destroying a loved tool or appliance, attack & hurt the loved one, or push the loved one away harder and harder, or run as far away as possible. They attack, destroy, damage, maim, hurt or leave exactly those things or people most precious & loved to them. Only later, when all the demolition and carnage is done, do they take stock and fully come to realize, not just what they've done, but what they've lost. And this has been known for ages - there's a song about it that people have known for years: "You always hurt the one you love". guilt will grow, and the self-hatred, self-loathing and self-disgust will grow. And rage will build. This is the point at which healing/recovery can begin - because that is when people are ready - or can be. Recover-Heal through |
Adult Children of Alcoholic Dysfunctional Families Coping Roles
In the dysfunctional family system, roles limit psycho-social development because individuality is discouraged and
role behaviorism is rewarded instead.In the dysfunctional family system, roles limit psycho-social development
because individuality is
“What you are” becomes more important than “who you are”
– this totally diminishes self-worth (self-esteem).
Each family member’s personality is shaped by the dictation of the family system, and not through the individual’s
own needs, feelings, temperament and choices.
Dysfunctional family member’s perception of themselves, their family and their world is colored by the role the
family system has bestowed upon them.
ROLES: the effects of Dysfunction and Dysfunctional families are devastating to the child/children born into it
(also see "Inner Child").
These effects will last throughout their lives (some can be minimized and will not necessarily have major negative
residual effects).
Unfortunately, that is not so for the Lost Child role.
Children in dysfunctional families adopt these roles as a means of coping with the day-to-day chaos of family life.
If you grew up in a dysfunctional family home,
you most likely adopted one or more of the roles below.
In the dysfunctional family system, roles limit psycho-social development because individuality is discouraged and
role behaviorism is rewarded instead.In the dysfunctional family system, roles limit psycho-social development
because individuality is
“What you are” becomes more important than “who you are”
– this totally diminishes self-worth (self-esteem).
Each family member’s personality is shaped by the dictation of the family system, and not through the individual’s
own needs, feelings, temperament and choices.
Dysfunctional family member’s perception of themselves, their family and their world is colored by the role the
family system has bestowed upon them.
ROLES: the effects of Dysfunction and Dysfunctional families are devastating to the child/children born into it
(also see "Inner Child").
These effects will last throughout their lives (some can be minimized and will not necessarily have major negative
residual effects).
Unfortunately, that is not so for the Lost Child role.
Children in dysfunctional families adopt these roles as a means of coping with the day-to-day chaos of family life.
If you grew up in a dysfunctional family home,
you most likely adopted one or more of the roles below.
- They are "normal" survival responses & strategies that become personality traits:
- Each role is a recognizable separate item, or behaviour pattern - a strategy.
- The adult children will find it hard to act outside of the family roles they have adopted, for hidden inside,
the child feels shame, guilt and in crisis, and they often avoid expressing any feelings.
- The family roles in dysfunctional families are not chosen but adopted by children of dysfunctional families
as a means of survival. This is particularly evident during times of stress.
- The “taking on a role” is an unconscious act – it is not deliberate. These roles are played right through
adulthood: they are part of our learning process. They are products of our environment (family, community
& cultural)
- – also see Denial - Enabling.
If the descriptions below seem to describe you (or someone you
want to change it - help is available here - because:
It can be overcome - Healing and recovery are entirely
possible through coaching/counselling.
(The Lost Child definitely will require intensive
counselling/therapy, and working with Lost Child victims is my
professional specialty).
The “roles” (personality types) that emerge for children in their
attempts to make sense of the chaos: the personality types are:
The Major victim: The LOST Child (The Lost Child, is also
called The Ghost & The Doormat and very similar to the Last
Hope Child) are collectively called the Adjuster Child/Children.
want to change it - help is available here - because:
It can be overcome - Healing and recovery are entirely
possible through coaching/counselling.
(The Lost Child definitely will require intensive
counselling/therapy, and working with Lost Child victims is my
professional specialty).
The “roles” (personality types) that emerge for children in their
attempts to make sense of the chaos: the personality types are:
The Major victim: The LOST Child (The Lost Child, is also
called The Ghost & The Doormat and very similar to the Last
Hope Child) are collectively called the Adjuster Child/Children.
NOTE: The descriptions you are about to read are not "stereo-types" - they are these categories will
display all the characteristics - some may, but many will not.
As well, some people will display characteristics of more than one of the "roles" - each person develops
their own personal coping style.
display all the characteristics - some may, but many will not.
As well, some people will display characteristics of more than one of the "roles" - each person develops
their own personal coping style.
These Hero children give the family self-worth because they look good on the outside. They are the good
students; the sports stars; the prom queen. The parents look to this child to prove that they are good parents and
good people.
As an adult, the Good Child/Family Hero is rigid, controlling, and extremely judgmental (although perhaps very
subtle about it) - of others, and secretly of themselves. They achieve "success" on the outside and get lots of
positive attention, but are cut off from their inner emotional life, from their True Self.
They are compulsive and driven as adults because deep inside they feel inadequate and insecure: they have an
inferiority complex.
The Family Hero children, because of their "success" in conforming to dysfunctional cultural definitions of what
constitutes doing life "right", is often the child in the family who as an adult has the hardest time even admitting
that there is anything within themselves that needs to be healed. They are emotionally stunted.
This child is often a workaholic who can identify other's needs and meet them, but is without an understanding of
their own needs. They are often the children who use their success to find a sense of belonging. This is the one who
shows the family that it is "alright," but who is unable to feel the benefit of his/her achievements. They feel like
frauds and are subject to depressions which they hide from those around them.
In group situations, the Good Child takes on too much responsibility, disallowing the empowerment of others. They
run things, but without much joy or satisfaction. The Good Child can get self-righteous or persecutory if they are
feeling unappreciated.
students; the sports stars; the prom queen. The parents look to this child to prove that they are good parents and
good people.
As an adult, the Good Child/Family Hero is rigid, controlling, and extremely judgmental (although perhaps very
subtle about it) - of others, and secretly of themselves. They achieve "success" on the outside and get lots of
positive attention, but are cut off from their inner emotional life, from their True Self.
They are compulsive and driven as adults because deep inside they feel inadequate and insecure: they have an
inferiority complex.
The Family Hero children, because of their "success" in conforming to dysfunctional cultural definitions of what
constitutes doing life "right", is often the child in the family who as an adult has the hardest time even admitting
that there is anything within themselves that needs to be healed. They are emotionally stunted.
This child is often a workaholic who can identify other's needs and meet them, but is without an understanding of
their own needs. They are often the children who use their success to find a sense of belonging. This is the one who
shows the family that it is "alright," but who is unable to feel the benefit of his/her achievements. They feel like
frauds and are subject to depressions which they hide from those around them.
In group situations, the Good Child takes on too much responsibility, disallowing the empowerment of others. They
run things, but without much joy or satisfaction. The Good Child can get self-righteous or persecutory if they are
feeling unappreciated.
| Walk with Me Through darkened rooms we'll climb Past covered dust-filled sculptures in the night With hand in Mine we'll fight the shadows left behind Till all that's hid within is brought to light Nor tremble at the sights which you have seen For if in Me you trust with all your heart Then all the times of sorrow I'll redeem. ~Unknown |
The Responsible Child * The Family Hero * The Good Child
This child is an achiever, this is usually (but not always) the oldest child.
This is the child who is "9 going on 40."
This child tries to transcend (rise above) the sickness of family the
environment by behaving like an angel. In taking on adult responsibility at a
young age, the Responsible Child strives to excel at everything.
They take on other people's problems and generally compensate for feelings of
inferiority, with a drive to accomplish and prove themselves.
This child takes over the parent role at a very young age, becoming very
responsible and self-sufficient. When this takes the form of parenting
younger children, the child becomes a junior mom or dad - they become
"parentified". See Dysfunctional Family for a brief overview of what
"parentified" is all about.
Then he/she plays out the "higher-powered" parent role in later relationships.
They are good leaders and decision-makers, but have difficulty listening to,
and negotiating with others
___________________________________________________________
This child is an achiever, this is usually (but not always) the oldest child.
This is the child who is "9 going on 40."
This child tries to transcend (rise above) the sickness of family the
environment by behaving like an angel. In taking on adult responsibility at a
young age, the Responsible Child strives to excel at everything.
They take on other people's problems and generally compensate for feelings of
inferiority, with a drive to accomplish and prove themselves.
This child takes over the parent role at a very young age, becoming very
responsible and self-sufficient. When this takes the form of parenting
younger children, the child becomes a junior mom or dad - they become
"parentified". See Dysfunctional Family for a brief overview of what
"parentified" is all about.
Then he/she plays out the "higher-powered" parent role in later relationships.
They are good leaders and decision-makers, but have difficulty listening to,
and negotiating with others
___________________________________________________________
* The Rebel * The Problem Child * The Acting-Out Child * The Family Jerk
This child is in action at the slightest provocation, whether as an hero to prevent abuse to someone else (by
distracting the abuser), or to protect himself/herself with wildness. This is the child who is most visible to the
outside world.
These children are often involved in unacceptable behaviour, such as fighting, stealing or acting out, and who may
adopt alcoholism, drug addiction or other compulsive behaviour early in defiance of the family system.
They get their attention in negative ways. These children often understand what is going on in their family better
than the others do. They tend to be strong leaders and creative individuals. However, they may have poor social
skills and have difficulty dealing with authority.
This child is the barometer of the family dynamics. As the Problem Child, he/she does poorly in school, gets into
trouble, turns to drugs, gets pregnant or otherwise causes problems that take focus away from the family
problems. The child does not do this consciously, but is driven by his/her own intolerable sensitivity.
In group situations the Problem Child/Member role may mix among a few people. They are often in crisis, which
distracts the group from moving forward. There is more permission to leave in a group than there is in a family,
and the Problem Child may do just that.
The group may then find that problems suddenly pop up in another member. If the Problem Child does not leave,
she/he may serve another function in the system: the Scapegoat.
_______________________________________________________________________________
This child is in action at the slightest provocation, whether as an hero to prevent abuse to someone else (by
distracting the abuser), or to protect himself/herself with wildness. This is the child who is most visible to the
outside world.
These children are often involved in unacceptable behaviour, such as fighting, stealing or acting out, and who may
adopt alcoholism, drug addiction or other compulsive behaviour early in defiance of the family system.
They get their attention in negative ways. These children often understand what is going on in their family better
than the others do. They tend to be strong leaders and creative individuals. However, they may have poor social
skills and have difficulty dealing with authority.
This child is the barometer of the family dynamics. As the Problem Child, he/she does poorly in school, gets into
trouble, turns to drugs, gets pregnant or otherwise causes problems that take focus away from the family
problems. The child does not do this consciously, but is driven by his/her own intolerable sensitivity.
In group situations the Problem Child/Member role may mix among a few people. They are often in crisis, which
distracts the group from moving forward. There is more permission to leave in a group than there is in a family,
and the Problem Child may do just that.
The group may then find that problems suddenly pop up in another member. If the Problem Child does not leave,
she/he may serve another function in the system: the Scapegoat.
_______________________________________________________________________________
This is the child that the family feels ashamed of - and the most emotionally honest child in the family. He/she
acts out the tension and anger the family ignores.
This child provides distraction from the real issues in the family. The scapegoat usually has trouble in school
because they get attention the only way they know how - which is negatively. They often become pregnant or
addicted as teenagers as a way of expressing their anger at the family.
These children are usually the most sensitive and caring; which is why they feel such tremendous hurt. They are
romantics who become very cynical and distrustful. They have a lot of self-hatred and can be very self-
destructive. This often results in this child becoming the first person in the family to get into some kind of
recovery.
The Scapegoat also takes the blame and shame for the actions of other family members by being the most visibly
dysfunctional. This child serves the family by being sick or crazy to allow the other members of the family to
ignore their own dysfunction.
This is also the child who holds the family together — the family rallies to help the family jerk. He/She learns to
remain dysfunctional to continue receiving the little attention available in a dysfunctional home by making the
family "okay". They do this by being the focus of all that is "not okay" which all members of the family vaguely
sense.
Scapegoats are identified as the "family problem." They function as a sort of pressure valve. When tension builds
in the family, the scapegoat will misbehave as a way of relieving pressure while allowing the family to avoid dealing
with the drinking problem. Scapegoats tend to be unaware of any feelings other than anger.
The Scapegoat is the one who gets the blame for the dysfunctional system. ("Johnny/Suzy causes such problems,
I can't get anything done.") The family itself is rarely able to perceive that their whole way of functioning is sick.
Instead, it puts all its anger into scapegoating, which, of course, increases the problems.
In groups, the Scapegoat may be the newest member, the group leader, the editor of a newsletter, or the one
who generally has the most problems with the group process. Like the Problem Child, they may choose to leave;
but another person will quickly become the Scapegoat in their place.
acts out the tension and anger the family ignores.
This child provides distraction from the real issues in the family. The scapegoat usually has trouble in school
because they get attention the only way they know how - which is negatively. They often become pregnant or
addicted as teenagers as a way of expressing their anger at the family.
These children are usually the most sensitive and caring; which is why they feel such tremendous hurt. They are
romantics who become very cynical and distrustful. They have a lot of self-hatred and can be very self-
destructive. This often results in this child becoming the first person in the family to get into some kind of
recovery.
The Scapegoat also takes the blame and shame for the actions of other family members by being the most visibly
dysfunctional. This child serves the family by being sick or crazy to allow the other members of the family to
ignore their own dysfunction.
This is also the child who holds the family together — the family rallies to help the family jerk. He/She learns to
remain dysfunctional to continue receiving the little attention available in a dysfunctional home by making the
family "okay". They do this by being the focus of all that is "not okay" which all members of the family vaguely
sense.
Scapegoats are identified as the "family problem." They function as a sort of pressure valve. When tension builds
in the family, the scapegoat will misbehave as a way of relieving pressure while allowing the family to avoid dealing
with the drinking problem. Scapegoats tend to be unaware of any feelings other than anger.
The Scapegoat is the one who gets the blame for the dysfunctional system. ("Johnny/Suzy causes such problems,
I can't get anything done.") The family itself is rarely able to perceive that their whole way of functioning is sick.
Instead, it puts all its anger into scapegoating, which, of course, increases the problems.
In groups, the Scapegoat may be the newest member, the group leader, the editor of a newsletter, or the one
who generally has the most problems with the group process. Like the Problem Child, they may choose to leave;
but another person will quickly become the Scapegoat in their place.
This child takes responsibility for the emotional wellbeing of the family and works at minimizing the negative
feelings experienced by other family members.
These children become adults who are valued for their kind heart, generosity, and ability to listen to others.
Their whole self-definition is centered on others. They have difficulty focusing on themselves, and they
therefore don't know how to get their own needs met. They are warm, empathetic and sensitive individuals, but
they tend to put up with inappropriate behaviour from other people.
__________________________________________________________________________________________
The Rescuer is often (but not always) a younger child who uses humour or other distracting behaviour, such as
being exceptional clumsy or always in trouble, to take the focus of the family away from the problems of the
family dysfunction. If the parent is violently drunk, the Mascot may take the abuse to "save" the rest of the
family, or may be able to crack a joke at the necessary moment to take everyone's mind off the pain of their
reality.
The Rescuer is similar to the Family Hero, but without the visible success. The Rescuer finds those in need,
lets them move in or marries them or finds a job for them, while supplying other needs and is very
understanding of the frequent betrayals.
The rescuer has a deep-seated self hate that drives them to their role as a saviour, because they know that
anyone not already at the bottom of the barrel would have nothing to do with them. They tend to feel
inadequate in their giving and unable to accept help for their own needs.
Like the Good Child, the Fixer/Rescuer is constantly trying to smooth things out. They become a Codependent
-- one who is fixated on solving others' problems in a way that ignores their own, and allows the others to
continue in self-destructive behaviour.
As The Clown, this child keeps himself and the family distracted by playing the entertainer. The Clown denies
that there is any problem, gets attention for himself through bringing some joviality into a grim situation, and
keeps the emotional pain at a tolerable level.
Later in life the Clown is still distracting group process, often getting strokes for it because they do alleviate a
dreary situation, yet they prevent true work from being accomplished. No group would be complete without
them, they are often seen as the group's saviour, yet their fixing is more like an aspirin than a cure. They're
the ones we can't live with, and can't live without.
Placater children learn early to smooth over potentially upsetting situations in the family. They seem to have
an uncanny ability to sense what others are feeling at the expense of their own feelings. They tend to take
total responsibility for the emotional care of the family. Because of their experience in this role, they often
choose careers as helping professionals, careers which can reinforce their tendencies to ignore their own needs.
They become adults who cannot receive love; only give it. They often have caseloads rather than friendships.
They tend to get involved in abusive relationships in an attempt to "save" the other person. They go into the
helping professions and become nurses, and social workers, and therapists. They have very low self-worth and
feel a lot of guilt that they work very hard to overcome by being really "nice" (i.e, people pleasing, classically
codependent) people.
The Bully: This child is usually the victim of physical, sexual and/or emotional abuse, who successfully makes
the mental transition to stop being the victim by victimizing others. Often the Bully is genuinely remorseful for
the pain and suffering caused to others, but will continue inflicting that abuse rather than face his/her own pain.
The Last Hope Child is similar to the Lost Child. The Last Hope child is the caretaker for the family when all
other members have become unable to continue their roles. Often the Last Child is raised on comments like
"You'll never hurt me like so and so." These children may work themselves to death trying to do "what's right"
for blood relations or adopted families, no matter what the expense to their own life (also "The Lost Child").
_____________________________________________________________________________
feelings experienced by other family members.
These children become adults who are valued for their kind heart, generosity, and ability to listen to others.
Their whole self-definition is centered on others. They have difficulty focusing on themselves, and they
therefore don't know how to get their own needs met. They are warm, empathetic and sensitive individuals, but
they tend to put up with inappropriate behaviour from other people.
__________________________________________________________________________________________
The Rescuer is often (but not always) a younger child who uses humour or other distracting behaviour, such as
being exceptional clumsy or always in trouble, to take the focus of the family away from the problems of the
family dysfunction. If the parent is violently drunk, the Mascot may take the abuse to "save" the rest of the
family, or may be able to crack a joke at the necessary moment to take everyone's mind off the pain of their
reality.
The Rescuer is similar to the Family Hero, but without the visible success. The Rescuer finds those in need,
lets them move in or marries them or finds a job for them, while supplying other needs and is very
understanding of the frequent betrayals.
The rescuer has a deep-seated self hate that drives them to their role as a saviour, because they know that
anyone not already at the bottom of the barrel would have nothing to do with them. They tend to feel
inadequate in their giving and unable to accept help for their own needs.
Like the Good Child, the Fixer/Rescuer is constantly trying to smooth things out. They become a Codependent
-- one who is fixated on solving others' problems in a way that ignores their own, and allows the others to
continue in self-destructive behaviour.
As The Clown, this child keeps himself and the family distracted by playing the entertainer. The Clown denies
that there is any problem, gets attention for himself through bringing some joviality into a grim situation, and
keeps the emotional pain at a tolerable level.
Later in life the Clown is still distracting group process, often getting strokes for it because they do alleviate a
dreary situation, yet they prevent true work from being accomplished. No group would be complete without
them, they are often seen as the group's saviour, yet their fixing is more like an aspirin than a cure. They're
the ones we can't live with, and can't live without.
Placater children learn early to smooth over potentially upsetting situations in the family. They seem to have
an uncanny ability to sense what others are feeling at the expense of their own feelings. They tend to take
total responsibility for the emotional care of the family. Because of their experience in this role, they often
choose careers as helping professionals, careers which can reinforce their tendencies to ignore their own needs.
They become adults who cannot receive love; only give it. They often have caseloads rather than friendships.
They tend to get involved in abusive relationships in an attempt to "save" the other person. They go into the
helping professions and become nurses, and social workers, and therapists. They have very low self-worth and
feel a lot of guilt that they work very hard to overcome by being really "nice" (i.e, people pleasing, classically
codependent) people.
The Bully: This child is usually the victim of physical, sexual and/or emotional abuse, who successfully makes
the mental transition to stop being the victim by victimizing others. Often the Bully is genuinely remorseful for
the pain and suffering caused to others, but will continue inflicting that abuse rather than face his/her own pain.
The Last Hope Child is similar to the Lost Child. The Last Hope child is the caretaker for the family when all
other members have become unable to continue their roles. Often the Last Child is raised on comments like
"You'll never hurt me like so and so." These children may work themselves to death trying to do "what's right"
for blood relations or adopted families, no matter what the expense to their own life (also "The Lost Child").
_____________________________________________________________________________
Please remember: the descriptions above simply illustrate the "automatic, reflex" coping strategies adopted
by children growing up in negative environments.
They are not diseases, nor are they signs of mental illness. They are behaviours which have outlived their
usefulness and now become barriers to living productive, and satisfying lives. They can be changed - it is no
more difficult to change them and begin living positively, than it is to hang onto them and live negatively.
Each personality type has its special needs for healing, and each type can recover if they are willing to take
the risk in believing they can change and heal. Because the personalities of the family are mangled, the
character traits of the children can be equally blurred.
In adulthood, the child may have several of the above characteristics at one time, or may play a different role
within the family at different ages or depending on who they are responding to.
The patterns that occur are as many and varied as the people we are. The mistake comes from focusing too
much on the individual roles, and failing to see the dynamics of the system as a whole. We can focus on the
plight of the poor Scapegoat, or the burden on the Fixer, but we tend to focus on an individual, through the
lens of our own roles, instead of learning to think as a system.
In a family or group system, everything affects everything else. Scapegoat or Clown, Leader or Ghost, the
whole system is affected by each action and presence (or absence). Those who obviously have power are no
more important than those who appear to have less power, and all have equal ability to topple the system.
The “positive” aspects:
We adopt the roles that are best suited to our personalities (we are born with a certain personality). What
happens with the roles we adopt in our family dynamic is that we get a twisted, sick and distorted view of who
we are as a result of our personality melding (blending) with the roles.
This is dysfunctional - it causes us to not be able to see ourselves clearly. As long as we are still reacting to
our childhood wounding and old tapes then we cannot get in touch clearly with who we really are. We can heal -
any time we want to!
It is important to remember that the false self that we develop to survive is never totally false - there is
always some Truth in it.
For example, people who go into the helping professions do truly care and are not doing what they do simply out
of Codependence. Nothing is black and white - everything in life involves various shades of grey.
Healing is about getting honest with ourselves, and finding some balance in our life.
Healing is about seeing ourselves more clearly and honestly so that we can start being true to who we really
are, instead of to who are parents wanted us to be.
Note that reacting to the other extreme by rebelling against who they wanted us to be is still living life in
reaction to our childhoods. It is still giving power over how we live our life to the past instead of seeing clearly
so that we can own our choices today.
_______________________________________________________________________________________
by children growing up in negative environments.
They are not diseases, nor are they signs of mental illness. They are behaviours which have outlived their
usefulness and now become barriers to living productive, and satisfying lives. They can be changed - it is no
more difficult to change them and begin living positively, than it is to hang onto them and live negatively.
Each personality type has its special needs for healing, and each type can recover if they are willing to take
the risk in believing they can change and heal. Because the personalities of the family are mangled, the
character traits of the children can be equally blurred.
In adulthood, the child may have several of the above characteristics at one time, or may play a different role
within the family at different ages or depending on who they are responding to.
The patterns that occur are as many and varied as the people we are. The mistake comes from focusing too
much on the individual roles, and failing to see the dynamics of the system as a whole. We can focus on the
plight of the poor Scapegoat, or the burden on the Fixer, but we tend to focus on an individual, through the
lens of our own roles, instead of learning to think as a system.
In a family or group system, everything affects everything else. Scapegoat or Clown, Leader or Ghost, the
whole system is affected by each action and presence (or absence). Those who obviously have power are no
more important than those who appear to have less power, and all have equal ability to topple the system.
The “positive” aspects:
We adopt the roles that are best suited to our personalities (we are born with a certain personality). What
happens with the roles we adopt in our family dynamic is that we get a twisted, sick and distorted view of who
we are as a result of our personality melding (blending) with the roles.
This is dysfunctional - it causes us to not be able to see ourselves clearly. As long as we are still reacting to
our childhood wounding and old tapes then we cannot get in touch clearly with who we really are. We can heal -
any time we want to!
It is important to remember that the false self that we develop to survive is never totally false - there is
always some Truth in it.
For example, people who go into the helping professions do truly care and are not doing what they do simply out
of Codependence. Nothing is black and white - everything in life involves various shades of grey.
Healing is about getting honest with ourselves, and finding some balance in our life.
Healing is about seeing ourselves more clearly and honestly so that we can start being true to who we really
are, instead of to who are parents wanted us to be.
Note that reacting to the other extreme by rebelling against who they wanted us to be is still living life in
reaction to our childhoods. It is still giving power over how we live our life to the past instead of seeing clearly
so that we can own our choices today.
_______________________________________________________________________________________
You are a child of the universe, and you have a right to be here: Victims No More
| Adult Children, including the Lost Child, learn to be consummate actors/actresses |
The clearer you can see yourself the easier it becomes to find more balance in your life - to find more happiness,
fulfillment, and serenity: toward achieving your full Human Potential. Read “Rules For Being Human” as well.
Klaas Tuinman M.A.
Dawn Cove Abbey
Deerfield, Nova Scotia 2010
fulfillment, and serenity: toward achieving your full Human Potential. Read “Rules For Being Human” as well.
Klaas Tuinman M.A.
Dawn Cove Abbey
Deerfield, Nova Scotia 2010
If you are one that this description fits, and are searching for a way to heal, and it was your parents who were involved
in bringing about this situation - the following might be helpful:
"I didn't stop my father, I couldn't save my mother, really, what was there besides fear.
Because when you think that fear is the only thing that you know and have, then suicide seems like a good alternative.
And so I tried three times.
And finally that third time, I realized that I had to either make a new choice, which was to give up my parents - not
give up my parents
- love for my parents, but have them quit running my life, and quit having fear in my life
or I was going to end up living in a psychiatric ward for the rest of my life." (Also see "Fear")
~Anon
in bringing about this situation - the following might be helpful:
"I didn't stop my father, I couldn't save my mother, really, what was there besides fear.
Because when you think that fear is the only thing that you know and have, then suicide seems like a good alternative.
And so I tried three times.
And finally that third time, I realized that I had to either make a new choice, which was to give up my parents - not
give up my parents
- love for my parents, but have them quit running my life, and quit having fear in my life
or I was going to end up living in a psychiatric ward for the rest of my life." (Also see "Fear")
~Anon
| Take a Stand against a "social sickness" - Child Pornography Light a Candle to stop Child Pornography, just click below on the word "stop", and it will take you directly to the website prepared for it. STOP |
outreach
around
around
| Coping & Survival Roles - Adult Children of Dysfunctional Toxic Families/Relationships - negative strategies |
| It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society. ~Jiddu Krisnamurti |
* "Roles" is a concept about a behaviour pattern
- rather than any specific person (like the Lost Child).
The information below is a description, not an indictment: do not be dismayed – it simply describes
behaviour patterns that were learned – and which can be changed.
Few people have all the traits of any of them - and sometimes they have a blend of more than one role.
Each of the personality types/roles has special needs - and each type can recover if they are willing to take
the risk in believing they can change and heal.
This includes all Adult Children.
The information here describes a Personality Type: it describes the traits, behaviour patterns and coping
strategies of a particular child victim (who became an adult child) from a sick, dysfunctional (alcoholic)
family.
The child did the best it could, with what it knew, what it had and the circumstances it found itself in - it is
not to blame.
It is not an illness someone gets - it is a survival/coping strategy.
It is a normal reaction to severe dysfunction - it became dysfunctional also (meaning it began to interfere
with leading a functional, successful and satisfying life).
They lost their inner integration of Mind, Emotions And Spirit, leaving these unconnected and in tatters -
bits and pieces.
A form of dis-integration - BUT - in a way where re-assembly is entirely possible!
- rather than any specific person (like the Lost Child).
The information below is a description, not an indictment: do not be dismayed – it simply describes
behaviour patterns that were learned – and which can be changed.
Few people have all the traits of any of them - and sometimes they have a blend of more than one role.
Each of the personality types/roles has special needs - and each type can recover if they are willing to take
the risk in believing they can change and heal.
This includes all Adult Children.
The information here describes a Personality Type: it describes the traits, behaviour patterns and coping
strategies of a particular child victim (who became an adult child) from a sick, dysfunctional (alcoholic)
family.
The child did the best it could, with what it knew, what it had and the circumstances it found itself in - it is
not to blame.
It is not an illness someone gets - it is a survival/coping strategy.
It is a normal reaction to severe dysfunction - it became dysfunctional also (meaning it began to interfere
with leading a functional, successful and satisfying life).
They lost their inner integration of Mind, Emotions And Spirit, leaving these unconnected and in tatters -
bits and pieces.
A form of dis-integration - BUT - in a way where re-assembly is entirely possible!
| | | | | |
| Follow-up and Support Counseling to Seminars & Workshops Dawn Cove Abbey Empowerment Outreach is a registered not-for-profit business in the province of Nova Scotia, Canada |
If you have questions, comments or suggestions, please email. I'll be happy to hear from you.
| The Dawn Cove Abbey Tradition: Helping People Rediscover Themselves Established in 1995, in commemoration of Abbey Dawn in Kingston, Ontario. |
To round it all out, Dawn Cove Abbey provides personal guidance for growth,
healing and empowerment through personal life coaching/counselling, as well
as the many information files that exist on this website - the information is
free and available to all.
I sincerely hope that you take the Less Travelled Road and that it brings
awakening and healing to you.
healing and empowerment through personal life coaching/counselling, as well
as the many information files that exist on this website - the information is
free and available to all.
I sincerely hope that you take the Less Travelled Road and that it brings
awakening and healing to you.
Roles of Adult Children are Coping and Survival Strategies
This is the only one of the “roles” which is a syndrome: it consists of the role (Lost Child) plus includes
Dissociative Disorder and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).
The Lost Child has the most wounded inner child of all (s/He often suffers from Multiple Personality
Disorder/Dissociative Identity Disorder).
I have devoted an entire separate page to that role.
Also see "Inner Child - Child Within"
Dissociative Disorder and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).
The Lost Child has the most wounded inner child of all (s/He often suffers from Multiple Personality
Disorder/Dissociative Identity Disorder).
I have devoted an entire separate page to that role.
Also see "Inner Child - Child Within"
You do not need fixing, for you are not broken. Your sense of self, your self
perception, was shattered and fractured and broken into pieces, not your True Self.
Change is totally possible - see "The Awakening" and "The Road Less Travelled"
The Adult Children's Roles as a concept is an inter-related aspect of two other concepts
featured on this site: "The Inner Child-Child Within" and The Lost Child Role/Syndrome.
perception, was shattered and fractured and broken into pieces, not your True Self.
Change is totally possible - see "The Awakening" and "The Road Less Travelled"
The Adult Children's Roles as a concept is an inter-related aspect of two other concepts
featured on this site: "The Inner Child-Child Within" and The Lost Child Role/Syndrome.
| Coping ROLES as Survival Strategies The Roles are not "persons" - they are roles or strategies. |
| Survivors' web sites |
| Light A Candle for Children who are victims of Domestic Dispute Click HERE |
Dysfunction means "does not work".
A dysfunctional family/relationship is one where
the real, actual needs of its members are not met: physical,
emotional, mental or spiritual.
In these toxic dysfunctional families, children generally adopt
various roles to help the family function as a system.
But these roles can cause serious problems in their future lives -
the young children grow up to become "adult children".
Family Roles are important and it is necessary for you to know
them to fully understand the devastation that dysfunction
creates.
The role you played in your family of origin (the family system in
which you were raised) can play an important part in how you
relate to other people as an adult.
Your family role can define who you are, how you relate to people,
how they relate to you and influence every aspect of your life.
People who are able to identify the role they played in their
family have a powerful tool for changing their lives and improving
their relationships.
Family roles can be as varied and as individual as families are.
A family may have "the sick one", "the peacekeeper", "the
athlete", "the gifted one", "the victim", "the genius" or any other
role you can think of.
This page describes all but one of the roles.
The most severely affected child and the associated behaviour
pattern is described on a separate page, "The Lost Child”.
The Adult Children's Roles are mostly behaviour patterns people
have acquired or developed, that began as coping strategies and
became a way of life.
The behaviours can be changed and new behaviours learned,
behaviours and life skills that will improve the quality o their
lives, on their terms - not anyone else's!
A dysfunctional family/relationship is one where
the real, actual needs of its members are not met: physical,
emotional, mental or spiritual.
In these toxic dysfunctional families, children generally adopt
various roles to help the family function as a system.
But these roles can cause serious problems in their future lives -
the young children grow up to become "adult children".
Family Roles are important and it is necessary for you to know
them to fully understand the devastation that dysfunction
creates.
The role you played in your family of origin (the family system in
which you were raised) can play an important part in how you
relate to other people as an adult.
Your family role can define who you are, how you relate to people,
how they relate to you and influence every aspect of your life.
People who are able to identify the role they played in their
family have a powerful tool for changing their lives and improving
their relationships.
Family roles can be as varied and as individual as families are.
A family may have "the sick one", "the peacekeeper", "the
athlete", "the gifted one", "the victim", "the genius" or any other
role you can think of.
This page describes all but one of the roles.
The most severely affected child and the associated behaviour
pattern is described on a separate page, "The Lost Child”.
The Adult Children's Roles are mostly behaviour patterns people
have acquired or developed, that began as coping strategies and
became a way of life.
The behaviours can be changed and new behaviours learned,
behaviours and life skills that will improve the quality o their
lives, on their terms - not anyone else's!
| Roles are primarily behaviour patterns people have, which were developed in childhood as coping and survival strategies in dysfunctional circumstances. They are not illnesses or disorders. |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
| |
 |
| |
 |
| |
 |
| |
 |
| |
 |
| |
 |
| |
 |
| |
 |
| |
 |
| |
 |
| |
 |
| |
 |
| |
 |
| |
 |
| |
 |
| |
 |
| Dysfunctional Family / Life Effects: Resources |
| Adult Child - Survivor Resource Section |
| Healthy-Functional Resource Section |
 |
| |
 |
| |
 |
| |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
| Suggested Additional Reading |
| Dawn Cove Abbey Information and Support Resources |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
| People who really want to heal, will find a way; those who don't, will find an excuse. |