Traits - Characteristics - Signs - Traits - Symptoms: Inventory of Codependent/Codependency & Quiz
Codependency is about having a dysfunctional relationship with self!
It is also known as (or referred to as) "the relationship addiction” because
Codependent people often form, or maintain, relationships that are one-sided, emotionally destructive, and/or abusive.
Codependency is often called "the relationship addiction/sickness". However, it is not a sickness - it is a behaviour pattern that is a result of
circumstances in the past. These can be overcome, and new behaviours learned - see "The Awakening".
Codependency & Being Codependent refer to:
Codependency is about having a dysfunctional relationship with self!
It is also known as (or referred to as) "the relationship addiction” because
Codependent people often form, or maintain, relationships that are one-sided, emotionally destructive, and/or abusive.
Codependency is often called "the relationship addiction/sickness". However, it is not a sickness - it is a behaviour pattern that is a result of
circumstances in the past. These can be overcome, and new behaviours learned - see "The Awakening".
- Co-dependency-co-dependent is a condition where people lose sight of the true meaning of caring & sharing - and thus ridicule and put-
down real caring & sharing.
- Codependency is a learned behavior that can be passed down from one generation to another. It is an emotional and behavioral condition
that affects an individual’s ability to have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. It is NOT a disease - it is a learned behaviour!
- Codependent behavior is passed on and learned by others through watching and imitating other family members who display this type of
behavior. - Determining whether it is codependent or not is a matter of assessing "balance" – discovering if it is all one-sided, or if there is a mutual,
back-and-forth helping etc situation.
- Co-dependency is maintained through denial, enabling, avoidance & rescuing (see Dysfunctional Families).
Codependency & Being Codependent refer to:
- doing things for others (all the time) instead of helping others learn how to do it for themselves!
- the person who "tip-toes" around the sick (dysfunctional or addicted person) to avoid angering or upsetting the “sick” person (there may be
more than one codependent in a family).
Co-dependency is a “natural”, but dysfunctional coping (and survival) response to a dysfunctional "sick" situation (family or relationship).
It is NOT a disease - it is a learned response! And it is an important survival strategy.
However - after time has passed, it's character changes from being a survival strategy in a particular circumstance - to seeing it as "normal" - and
that leads to the "sickness".
It becomes ingrained as "normal", and those dysfunctional behaviours and patterns are carried-over into all aspects and situations of life (hence the
"sickness" or dysfunction).
Dysfunctional families do not acknowledge that problems exist. They don’t talk about them or confront them. As a result, family members learn to
repress emotions and disregard their own needs (denial).
Are you co-dependent? Read on, and then try the quiz at the bottom of this page.
Note: there is a difference between: codependent, dependent, independent and inter-dependent (see Workshop page for more on these).
It is NOT a disease - it is a learned response! And it is an important survival strategy.
However - after time has passed, it's character changes from being a survival strategy in a particular circumstance - to seeing it as "normal" - and
that leads to the "sickness".
It becomes ingrained as "normal", and those dysfunctional behaviours and patterns are carried-over into all aspects and situations of life (hence the
"sickness" or dysfunction).
Dysfunctional families do not acknowledge that problems exist. They don’t talk about them or confront them. As a result, family members learn to
repress emotions and disregard their own needs (denial).
Are you co-dependent? Read on, and then try the quiz at the bottom of this page.
Note: there is a difference between: codependent, dependent, independent and inter-dependent (see Workshop page for more on these).
Codependency affects spouses, children, parents, siblings, friends, and co-workers of a person afflicted with alcohol or drug dependence, or anger
problems.
Because Co-dependency is such a mis-used label often given to behaviours that are not negative and self-defeating, it is important to learn what it is
not, to do so, you must first learn what it "looks like" if someone truly is codependent.
For a more rounded picture os "codependence", you have to understand what a dysfunctional family/relationship is, because codependency emerges
from that: see Dysfunctional Family, Healthy Family, Male-Female Equality & Compare Relationships.
Behaviours, Traits & Characteristics Inventory, and Causes of Codependency / codependent:
Codependency is a result of a dysfunctional family or relationship: it is a "learned behaviour" - which means you can "unlearn" it.
In a dysfunctional family or relationship members suffer from fear, anger, pain, or shame that is ignored or denied.
Underlying problems may include any of the following:
problems.
Because Co-dependency is such a mis-used label often given to behaviours that are not negative and self-defeating, it is important to learn what it is
not, to do so, you must first learn what it "looks like" if someone truly is codependent.
For a more rounded picture os "codependence", you have to understand what a dysfunctional family/relationship is, because codependency emerges
from that: see Dysfunctional Family, Healthy Family, Male-Female Equality & Compare Relationships.
Behaviours, Traits & Characteristics Inventory, and Causes of Codependency / codependent:
Codependency is a result of a dysfunctional family or relationship: it is a "learned behaviour" - which means you can "unlearn" it.
In a dysfunctional family or relationship members suffer from fear, anger, pain, or shame that is ignored or denied.
Underlying problems may include any of the following:
- An addiction by a family member to drugs, alcohol, relationships, work, food, sex, or gambling.
- The existence of physical, emotional, or sexual abuse.
- The presence of a family member suffering from a chronic mental, or physical illness.
Traits, Characteristics, Symptoms & Signs of Codependency - Codependent people - a partial inventory:
Codependent people:
The Codependence-Independence-Interdependence workshop provides a more detailed description of traits & characteristics, also see Coaching.
Codependent people:
- become either “victims or survivors.”
- develop behaviors that help them deny, ignore, or avoid difficult emotions.
- engage in sick, one-sided unconditional love
- have lost the ability to "stand up" for themselves, to be "balanced" or assertive.
- detach themselves: don’t talk - don’t touch - don’t confront - don’t feel - don’t trust.
- adopt "roles"
- continually try and "earn" being liked, needed or accepted through their actions (looking for "approval")
- cannot tell the difference between "helping" someone, and "doing it for them".
- Focus attention and energy on the family member who is ill or addicted - everything is done for them!
- Codependents have low self esteem and look for anything outside of themselves to make them feel better.
- Codependents find it hard to “be themselves.”
- Codependents often take on a martyr’s role and become “benefactors” to any individual in need.
- When the care-taking becomes compulsive, the codependent feels choiceless and helpless in the relationship, but is unable to break away from
the cycle of behavior that causes it.
- Co-dependents view themselves as victims and are attracted to that same weakness in their love and friendship relationships.
- Codependents have a tendency to confuse love and pity, with the tendency to “love” people they can pity and rescue.
- Codependents have a fear of intimacy of any kind.
- Codependents have a higher likelihood of suffering from depression and anxiety.
- Codependents have an unhealthy dependence on relationships. The codependent will do anything to hold on to a relationship - to avoid the
feeling of abandonment. - Codependents have an extreme need for approval and recognition (and become hurt when people don’t recognize their efforts).
- Codependents have a strong sense of guilt when asserting themselves; they remain passive.
- Codependents tend to form "passive-aggressive" personalities.
- Codependents have a compelling need to control others.
- Codependents have a lack of trust in self and/or others.
- Codependents fear, are unable to engage in, emotional intimacy
- Codependents fear being abandoned or alone.
- Codependents fear emotional intimacy (see glossary)
The Codependence-Independence-Interdependence workshop provides a more detailed description of traits & characteristics, also see Coaching.
Codependency QUIZ: A Questionnaire:
Identifying Signs Of Codependency.
Codependency takes many forms, and exists in different degrees.
The intensity of symptoms are on a scale of severity, as compared to an all or nothing scale.
Quiz note: (not everyone experiencing these symptoms suffers from co-dependency).
1. Do you keep quiet to avoid arguments?
2. Are you always worried about others’ opinions of you?
3. Have you ever lived with someone with an alcohol or drug problem?
4. Have you ever lived with someone who hits or belittles you?
5. Are the opinions of others more important than your own?
6. Do you have difficulty adjusting to changes at work or home?
7. Do you feel rejected when significant others spend time with friends?
8. Do you doubt your ability to be who you want to be?
9. Are you uncomfortable expressing your true feelings to others?
10. Have you ever felt inadequate?
11. Do you feel like a “bad person” when you make a mistake?
12. Do you have difficulty taking compliments or gifts?
13. Do you feel humiliation when your child or spouse makes a mistake?
14. Do you think people in your life would go downhill without your constant efforts?
15. Do you frequently wish someone could help you get things done?
16. Do you have difficulty talking to people in authority, such as the police or your boss?
17. Are you confused about who you are or where you are going with your life?
18. Do you have trouble saying “no” when asked for help?
19. Do you have trouble asking for help?
20. Do you have so many things going at once that you can’t do justice to any of them?
If you identify with several of these symptoms; are dissatisfied with yourself or your relationships; please consider changing your
behaviour pattern or circumstances - or seeking professional help (counsellor, pastor etc). (See Independence - Inter-dependence -
Codependence seminar).
Klaas Tuinman MA
Dawn Cove Abbey
Deerfield, (Yarmouth County) Nova Scotia, Canada
2002-2008
Identifying Signs Of Codependency.
Codependency takes many forms, and exists in different degrees.
The intensity of symptoms are on a scale of severity, as compared to an all or nothing scale.
Quiz note: (not everyone experiencing these symptoms suffers from co-dependency).
1. Do you keep quiet to avoid arguments?
2. Are you always worried about others’ opinions of you?
3. Have you ever lived with someone with an alcohol or drug problem?
4. Have you ever lived with someone who hits or belittles you?
5. Are the opinions of others more important than your own?
6. Do you have difficulty adjusting to changes at work or home?
7. Do you feel rejected when significant others spend time with friends?
8. Do you doubt your ability to be who you want to be?
9. Are you uncomfortable expressing your true feelings to others?
10. Have you ever felt inadequate?
11. Do you feel like a “bad person” when you make a mistake?
12. Do you have difficulty taking compliments or gifts?
13. Do you feel humiliation when your child or spouse makes a mistake?
14. Do you think people in your life would go downhill without your constant efforts?
15. Do you frequently wish someone could help you get things done?
16. Do you have difficulty talking to people in authority, such as the police or your boss?
17. Are you confused about who you are or where you are going with your life?
18. Do you have trouble saying “no” when asked for help?
19. Do you have trouble asking for help?
20. Do you have so many things going at once that you can’t do justice to any of them?
If you identify with several of these symptoms; are dissatisfied with yourself or your relationships; please consider changing your
behaviour pattern or circumstances - or seeking professional help (counsellor, pastor etc). (See Independence - Inter-dependence -
Codependence seminar).
Klaas Tuinman MA
Dawn Cove Abbey
Deerfield, (Yarmouth County) Nova Scotia, Canada
2002-2008
| Start the recovery & healing starting steps today. Learn to be Dependent NO MORE Above all, remember: people who really want to heal, will find a way; those who don't, will find an excuse. |
If you have a question about this topic - don't hesitate to write: there is no charge, and you will receive an
answer - without any unwanted follow-up.
There are many resources here, as well as help an email away. If you need to pick your spirits up, why not take a
look at the Daily Morale Boosters Page here?
Help is available here through Counselling, either in-person, or through Distance Counselling.
Distance Counselling / Coaching Works (see Contact-Info).
Write or call without obligation and start your healing and recovery today. Or
email:outreach@dawncoveabbey.org.
Lectures/ Seminars-workshops also available.
answer - without any unwanted follow-up.
There are many resources here, as well as help an email away. If you need to pick your spirits up, why not take a
look at the Daily Morale Boosters Page here?
Help is available here through Counselling, either in-person, or through Distance Counselling.
Distance Counselling / Coaching Works (see Contact-Info).
Write or call without obligation and start your healing and recovery today. Or
email:outreach@dawncoveabbey.org.
Lectures/ Seminars-workshops also available.
Codependent - Codependence - Codependency: Relationship Addiction
It is not unhealthy to need someone - it is unhealthy to "give yourself up" to fulfil that need.
- Codependence is one-sided giving: one person gives all; the other simply takes.
- A Codependent is a person, or persons, living with/in a relationship with a dysfunctional, or addicted person.
- Codependency often happens with people in relationships with chronically or mentally ill individuals.
- A codependent person is someone from any dysfunctional family (The Everybody Loves Raymond TV series provides many perfect
examples).
- Codependency is a learned behavior that can be (and often is) passed down from one generation to another (socialization).
- It is an emotional and behavioral condition that affects you ability to have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship.
Healing & Empowerment: Counselling - Life
Coaching, Seminars, Workshops & Retreats
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