Traits - Characteristics - Signs - Traits - Symptoms
And an Inventory of Codependent/Codependency & Quiz
And an Inventory of Codependent/Codependency & Quiz
Co-dependency is a “natural”, but dysfunctional coping (and survival) response to a dysfunctional "sick" situation (family
or relationship).
It is NOT a disease - it is a learned response!
And it is an important survival strategy.
However - after time has passed, it's character changes from being a survival strategy in a particular circumstance - to
seeing it as "normal" - and that leads to the "sickness".
It becomes ingrained as "normal", and those dysfunctional behaviours and patterns are carried-over into all aspects and
situations of life (hence the "sickness" or dysfunction).
Dysfunctional families do not acknowledge that problems exist. They don’t talk about them or confront them. As a
result, family members learn to repress emotions and disregard their own needs (denial).
Are you co-dependent? Read on, and then try the quiz at the bottom of this page.
Note: there is a difference between codependent, dependent, independent and inter-dependent (see Healing Circle page
for more on these).
or relationship).
It is NOT a disease - it is a learned response!
And it is an important survival strategy.
However - after time has passed, it's character changes from being a survival strategy in a particular circumstance - to
seeing it as "normal" - and that leads to the "sickness".
It becomes ingrained as "normal", and those dysfunctional behaviours and patterns are carried-over into all aspects and
situations of life (hence the "sickness" or dysfunction).
Dysfunctional families do not acknowledge that problems exist. They don’t talk about them or confront them. As a
result, family members learn to repress emotions and disregard their own needs (denial).
Are you co-dependent? Read on, and then try the quiz at the bottom of this page.
Note: there is a difference between codependent, dependent, independent and inter-dependent (see Healing Circle page
for more on these).
Codependency affects spouses, children, parents, siblings, friends, and co-workers of a person afflicted with alcohol or
drug dependence, or anger problems.
Because Co-dependency is such a mis-used label often given to behaviours that are not negative and self-defeating, it is
important to learn what it is not, to do so, you must first learn what it "looks like" if someone truly is codependent.
For a more rounded picture os "codependence", you have to understand what a dysfunctional family/relationship is,
because codependency emerges from that: see Dysfunctional Family, Healthy Family, Male-Female Equality & Compare
Relationships.
Behaviours, Other Traits & Characteristics Inventory,
and more on the Causes of Codependency and being codependent:
Codependency is a result of a dysfunctional family or relationship: it is a "learned behaviour" - which means you can
"unlearn" it.
In a dysfunctional family or relationship members suffer from fear, anger, pain, or shame
that is ignored or denied.
Underlying problems may include any of the following:
drug dependence, or anger problems.
Because Co-dependency is such a mis-used label often given to behaviours that are not negative and self-defeating, it is
important to learn what it is not, to do so, you must first learn what it "looks like" if someone truly is codependent.
For a more rounded picture os "codependence", you have to understand what a dysfunctional family/relationship is,
because codependency emerges from that: see Dysfunctional Family, Healthy Family, Male-Female Equality & Compare
Relationships.
Behaviours, Other Traits & Characteristics Inventory,
and more on the Causes of Codependency and being codependent:
Codependency is a result of a dysfunctional family or relationship: it is a "learned behaviour" - which means you can
"unlearn" it.
In a dysfunctional family or relationship members suffer from fear, anger, pain, or shame
that is ignored or denied.
Underlying problems may include any of the following:
- An addiction by a family member to drugs, alcohol, relationships, work, food, sex, or gambling.
- The existence of physical, emotional, or sexual abuse.
- The presence of a family member suffering from a chronic mental, or physical illness.
Traits, Characteristics, Symptoms & Signs of Codependency - Codependent people
- a partial inventory:
Codependent people:
The Codependence-Independence-Interdependence workshop provides a more detailed description of traits
& characteristics, also see Counseling.
- a partial inventory:
Codependent people:
- become either “victims or survivors.”
- develop behaviors that help them deny, ignore, or avoid difficult emotions.
- engage in sick, one-sided unconditional love
- have lost the ability to "stand up" for themselves, to be "balanced" or assertive.
- detach themselves: don’t talk - don’t touch - don’t confront - don’t feel - don’t trust.
- adopt "roles"
- continually try and "earn" being liked, needed or accepted through their actions (looking for "approval")
- cannot tell the difference between "helping" someone, and "doing it for them".
- Focus attention and energy on the family member who is ill or addicted - everything is done for them!
- Codependents have low self esteem and look for anything outside of themselves to make them feel
better. - Codependents find it hard to “be themselves.”
- Codependents often take on a martyr’s role and become “benefactors” to any individual in need.
- When the care-taking becomes compulsive, the codependent feels choiceless and helpless in the
relationship, but is unable to break away from the cycle of behavior that causes it.
- Co-dependents view themselves as victims and are attracted to that same weakness in their love and
friendship relationships. - Codependents have a tendency to confuse love and pity, with the tendency to “love” people they can
pity and rescue. - Codependents have a fear of intimacy of any kind.
- Codependents have a higher likelihood of suffering from depression and anxiety.
- Codependents have an unhealthy dependence on relationships. The codependent will do anything to hold
on to a relationship - to avoid the feeling of abandonment. - Codependents have an extreme need for approval and recognition (and become hurt when people don’t
recognize their efforts). - Codependents have a strong sense of guilt (self-blame) when asserting themselves; they remain
passive. - Codependents tend to form "passive-aggressive" personalities.
- Codependents have a compelling need to control others.
- Codependents have a lack of trust in self and/or others.
- Codependents fear, are unable to engage in, emotional intimacy
- Codependents fear being abandoned or alone.
- Codependents fear emotional intimacy (see glossary)
The Codependence-Independence-Interdependence workshop provides a more detailed description of traits
& characteristics, also see Counseling.
Codependency QUIZ: A Questionnaire:
Identifying Signs Of Codependency.
Codependency takes many forms, and exists in different degrees.
The intensity of symptoms are on a scale of severity, as compared to an all or nothing scale.
Quiz note: (not everyone experiencing these symptoms suffers from co-dependency).
1. Do you keep quiet to avoid arguments?
2. Are you always worried about others’ opinions of you?
3. Have you ever lived with someone with an alcohol or drug problem?
4. Have you ever lived with someone who hits or belittles you?
5. Are the opinions of others more important than your own?
6. Do you have difficulty adjusting to changes at work or home?
7. Do you feel rejected when significant others spend time with friends?
8. Do you doubt your ability to be who you want to be?
9. Are you uncomfortable expressing your true feelings to others?
10. Have you ever felt inadequate?
11. Do you feel like a “bad person” when you make a mistake?
12. Do you have difficulty taking compliments or gifts?
13. Do you feel humiliation when your child or spouse makes a mistake?
14. Do you think people in your life would go downhill without your constant efforts?
15. Do you frequently wish someone could help you get things done?
16. Do you have difficulty talking to people in authority, such as the police or your boss?
17. Are you confused about who you are or where you are going with your life?
18. Do you have trouble saying “no” when asked for help?
19. Do you have trouble asking for help?
20. Do you have so many things going at once that you can’t do justice to any of them?
If you identify with several of these symptoms; are dissatisfied with yourself or your relationships; please
consider changing your behaviour pattern or circumstances - or seeking professional help (counsellor, pastor
etc). (See Independence - Inter-dependence - Codependence seminar).
Klaas Tuinman MA
Dawn Cove Abbey
Deerfield, (Yarmouth County) Nova Scotia, Canada
2002-2009
Identifying Signs Of Codependency.
Codependency takes many forms, and exists in different degrees.
The intensity of symptoms are on a scale of severity, as compared to an all or nothing scale.
Quiz note: (not everyone experiencing these symptoms suffers from co-dependency).
1. Do you keep quiet to avoid arguments?
2. Are you always worried about others’ opinions of you?
3. Have you ever lived with someone with an alcohol or drug problem?
4. Have you ever lived with someone who hits or belittles you?
5. Are the opinions of others more important than your own?
6. Do you have difficulty adjusting to changes at work or home?
7. Do you feel rejected when significant others spend time with friends?
8. Do you doubt your ability to be who you want to be?
9. Are you uncomfortable expressing your true feelings to others?
10. Have you ever felt inadequate?
11. Do you feel like a “bad person” when you make a mistake?
12. Do you have difficulty taking compliments or gifts?
13. Do you feel humiliation when your child or spouse makes a mistake?
14. Do you think people in your life would go downhill without your constant efforts?
15. Do you frequently wish someone could help you get things done?
16. Do you have difficulty talking to people in authority, such as the police or your boss?
17. Are you confused about who you are or where you are going with your life?
18. Do you have trouble saying “no” when asked for help?
19. Do you have trouble asking for help?
20. Do you have so many things going at once that you can’t do justice to any of them?
If you identify with several of these symptoms; are dissatisfied with yourself or your relationships; please
consider changing your behaviour pattern or circumstances - or seeking professional help (counsellor, pastor
etc). (See Independence - Inter-dependence - Codependence seminar).
Klaas Tuinman MA
Dawn Cove Abbey
Deerfield, (Yarmouth County) Nova Scotia, Canada
2002-2009
| Start the recovery & healing starting steps today. Learn to be Dependent NO MORE |
If you need to pick your spirits up, why not take a look at the Daily Morale Boosters
(Emotional/Spiritual Roadside Assistance) page here?
(Emotional/Spiritual Roadside Assistance) page here?
Codependent, Codependence, Codependency - Relationship Addiction
| It is not unhealthy to need someone, or to want to feel loved - it is unhealthy to "give yourself up" to fulfil that need. |
- Codependence is one-sided giving: one person gives all - including time; the other person simply takes.
- A Codependent is a person, or persons, living with/in a relationship with a dysfunctional, or addicted person.
- Codependency often happens with people in relationships with chronically or mentally ill individuals.
- A codependent person is someone from any dysfunctional family
- Codependency is a learned behavior that can be (and often is) passed down from one generation to another
(socialization). - It is an emotional and behavioral condition that affects you ability to have a healthy, mutually satisfying
relationship.
Codependendent behaviour is pattern that is a result of
circumstances in the past. These can be overcome, and new
behaviours learned - see "The Awakening".
circumstances in the past. These can be overcome, and new
behaviours learned - see "The Awakening".
- Co-dependency-co-dependent is a condition where
people lose sight of the true meaning of caring & sharing
- and thus ridicule and put-down real caring & sharing.
- Codependency is a learned behavior that can be passed
down from one generation to another. It is an emotional
and behavioral condition that affects an individual’s
ability to have a healthy, mutually satisfying
relationship. It is NOT a disease - it is a learned
behaviour!
- Codependent behavior is passed on and learned by
others through watching and imitating other family
members who display this type of behavior. - Determining whether it is codependent or not is a
matter of assessing "balance" – discovering if it is all
one-sided, or if there is a mutual, back-and-forth
helping etc situation.
Being Codependent means to wrongly blame oneself for the other
person's unhappiness or condition or state.
It is about having a dysfunctional relationship with self!
It is also known as (or referred to as) "the relationship
addiction” because Codependent people often form, or maintain,
relationships that are one-sided, emotionally destructive,
and/or abusive.
person's unhappiness or condition or state.
It is about having a dysfunctional relationship with self!
It is also known as (or referred to as) "the relationship
addiction” because Codependent people often form, or maintain,
relationships that are one-sided, emotionally destructive,
and/or abusive.
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| IF YOU NEED HELP WITH YOUR LIFE SITUATION Let us help you find long-term resolution for your problems - and assist you in your Emotional, Mental and Spiritual Healing. If you have a Dependency issue - we can help Email, call or write - Today! Available to you 7 days per week - wherever you are |
| Follow-up and Support Counseling to Seminars & Workshops Dawn Cove Abbey Empowerment Outreach is a registered (not for profit) business in the province of Nova Scotia, Canada |
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| If you are ready to make the change / transition to seriously begin your healing journey, please call, write or email without obligation (and strictly confidential) We can help: to contact us, please see Contact-Us _____________________________________________________________________ |
To round it all out, Dawn Cove Abbey provides personal guidance for growth, healing and
empowerment through personal life coaching/counselling, as well as the many information
files that exist on this website - the information is free and available to all.
I sincerely hope that you take the Less Travelled Road and that it brings awakening and
healing to you.
empowerment through personal life coaching/counselling, as well as the many information
files that exist on this website - the information is free and available to all.
I sincerely hope that you take the Less Travelled Road and that it brings awakening and
healing to you.
Codependency & Being Codependent refer to:
- doing things for others (all the time) instead of helping
others learn how to do it for themselves!
- the person who "tip-toes" around the sick
(dysfunctional or addicted person) to avoid angering or
upsetting the “sick” person (there may be more than
one codependent in a family).
Codependency means taking-on the responsibility for someone
else's happiness.
It is about taking responsibility for the other person's feelings,
moods and behaviours - and doing whatever is necessary to keep
the peace, to make the other person feel good.
else's happiness.
It is about taking responsibility for the other person's feelings,
moods and behaviours - and doing whatever is necessary to keep
the peace, to make the other person feel good.
The patterns of codependency can emerge from any family system where the open/direct and hidden/indirect
rules close its members off from the outside world.
Family systems like these discourage healthy communication of issues and feelings between themselves, which
destroys the family members' ability to trust themselves and to trust another in an intimate relationship.
This freezes family members into unnatural roles, which makes constructive change difficult.
Rules that encourage the unnatural patterns of relating in these codependent family systems include:
Don't talk about problems
Don't express feelings openly or honestly
Communicate indirectly, through acting out or sulking, or via another family member
Have unrealistic expectations about what the Dependent will do for you
Don't be selfish, think of the other person first
Don't take your parents as an example, "do as I say, not as I do"
Don't have fun
Don't rock the boat, keep the status quo
Don't talk about sex
Don't challenge your parent's religious beliefs or these family rules
Later in life these are carried over into other intimate relationships
- thus continuing and perpetuating the pattern.
rules close its members off from the outside world.
Family systems like these discourage healthy communication of issues and feelings between themselves, which
destroys the family members' ability to trust themselves and to trust another in an intimate relationship.
This freezes family members into unnatural roles, which makes constructive change difficult.
Rules that encourage the unnatural patterns of relating in these codependent family systems include:
Don't talk about problems
Don't express feelings openly or honestly
Communicate indirectly, through acting out or sulking, or via another family member
Have unrealistic expectations about what the Dependent will do for you
Don't be selfish, think of the other person first
Don't take your parents as an example, "do as I say, not as I do"
Don't have fun
Don't rock the boat, keep the status quo
Don't talk about sex
Don't challenge your parent's religious beliefs or these family rules
Later in life these are carried over into other intimate relationships
- thus continuing and perpetuating the pattern.
| Survivors' web sites |
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| Dysfunctional Family / Life Effects: Resources |
| Adult Child - Survivor Resource Section |
| Healthy-Functional Resource Section |
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| Suggested Additional Reading |
| Dawn Cove Abbey Information and Support Resources |
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Codependence is like a huge blood sucker which starts sucking you dry; slowly at first. Perhaps is begins by
stealing every other one of your weekends, and continues to suck you dry until every single day is consumed by
your codependent relationship.
Codependence often begins for all the right reasons: by people who are loving, caring and compassionate. They
want to be of help to the wounded (dysfunctional) person. So, initially they try to let certain things go, hoping
that their patience and kindness will help facilitate change.
Before long, however, they discover that change is not happening, and the only thing they have really accomplished
is to enable the dysfunctional behaviour even more. By then, it is usually to late to backtrack - and they are
trapped into an endless cycle of codependence - good intentions gone bad.
stealing every other one of your weekends, and continues to suck you dry until every single day is consumed by
your codependent relationship.
Codependence often begins for all the right reasons: by people who are loving, caring and compassionate. They
want to be of help to the wounded (dysfunctional) person. So, initially they try to let certain things go, hoping
that their patience and kindness will help facilitate change.
Before long, however, they discover that change is not happening, and the only thing they have really accomplished
is to enable the dysfunctional behaviour even more. By then, it is usually to late to backtrack - and they are
trapped into an endless cycle of codependence - good intentions gone bad.
| People who really want to heal, will find a way; those who don't, will find an excuse. |