Codependent, Codependence, Codependency

Traits - Characteristics - Signs - Traits - Symptoms
An Inventory of Codependent/Codependency & Quiz

Codependency means taking-on the responsibility
for someone else's happiness:
it is about taking responsibility for the other person's feelings,
moods and behaviours - and doing whatever is necessary to keep
the peace, to make the other person feel good.

Co-dependency is a “natural”, but dysfunctional coping (and survival) response to a dysfunctional
"sick" situation (family or relationship).

It is NOT a disease - it is a learned response! And it is an important survival strategy.
However - after time has passed, it's character changes from being a survival strategy in a
particular circumstance - to seeing it as "normal" - and that leads to the "sickness".
It becomes ingrained as "normal", and those dysfunctional behaviours and patterns are carried-over
into all aspects and situations of life (hence the "sickness" or dysfunction).

Dysfunctional families do not acknowledge that problems exist. They don’t talk about them or
confront them. As a result, family members learn to repress emotions and disregard their own needs
(denial).

Are you co-dependent? Read on, and then try the quiz at the bottom of this page.

Note: there is a difference between codependent, dependent, independent and inter-dependent (see
Healing Circle page for more on these).

Codependency affects spouses, children, parents, siblings, friends, and co-workers of a person
afflicted with alcohol or drug
dependence, or anger problems.

Because Co-dependency is such a mis-used label often given to behaviours that are not negative and
self-defeating, it is important to learn what it is not, to do so, you must first learn what it "looks
like" if someone truly is codependent.

For a more rounded picture os "codependence", you have to understand what a dysfunctional
family/relationship is, because codependency emerges from that: see Dysfunctional Family, Healthy
Family, Male-Female Equality & Compare Relationships.

Behaviours, Traits & Characteristics Inventory, and Causes of Codependency / codependent:

Codependency is a result of a dysfunctional family or relationship: it is a "learned behaviour" - which
means you can "unlearn" it.
In a dysfunctional family or relationship members suffer from fear, anger, pain, or shame that is
ignored or denied.

Underlying problems may include any of the following:

An addiction by a family member to drugs, alcohol, relationships, work, food, sex, or gambling.
The existence of physical, emotional, or sexual abuse.
The presence of a family member suffering from a chronic mental, or physical illness.

Traits, Characteristics, Symptoms & Signs of Codependency - Codependent people - a partial
inventory:
Codependent people:

become either “victims or survivors.”
develop behaviors that help them deny, ignore, or avoid difficult emotions.
engage in sick, one-sided unconditional love

have lost the ability to "stand up" for themselves, to be "balanced" or assertive.
detach themselves: don’t talk - don’t touch - don’t confront - don’t feel - don’t trust.

adopt "roles"

continually try and "earn" being liked, needed or accepted through their actions (looking for
"approval")

cannot tell the difference between "helping" someone, and "doing it for them".
Focus attention and energy on the family member who is ill or addicted - everything is done for
them!

Codependents have low self esteem and look for anything outside of themselves to make them
feel better.
Codependents find it hard to “be themselves.”

Codependents often take on a martyr’s role and become “benefactors” to any individual in need.

When the care-taking becomes compulsive, the codependent feels choiceless and helpless in the
relationship, but is unable to break away from the cycle of behavior that causes it.

Co-dependents view themselves as victims and are attracted to that same weakness in their love
and friendship relationships.
Codependents have a tendency to confuse love and pity, with the tendency to “love” people they
can pity and rescue.
Codependents have a fear of intimacy of any kind.

Codependents have a higher likelihood of suffering from depression and anxiety.

Codependents have an unhealthy dependence on relationships. The codependent will do anything to
hold on to a relationship - to avoid the feeling of abandonment.
Codependents have an extreme need for approval and recognition (and become hurt when people
don’t recognize their efforts).
Codependents have a strong sense of guilt (self-blame) when asserting themselves; they remain
passive.
Codependents tend to form "passive-aggressive" personalities.

Codependents have a compelling need to control others.
Codependents have a lack of trust in self and/or others.
Codependents fear, are unable to engage in, emotional intimacy
Codependents fear being abandoned or alone.
Codependents fear emotional intimacy (see glossary)

The Codependence-Independence-Interdependence workshop provides a
more detailed description of traits & characteristics, also see Counseling.

Codependency QUIZ: A Questionnaire:

Identifying Signs Of Codependency.

Codependency takes many forms, and exists in different degrees.

The intensity of symptoms are on a scale of severity, as compared to an all or nothing scale.

Quiz note: (not everyone experiencing these symptoms suffers from co-dependency).

1. Do you keep quiet to avoid arguments?
2. Are you always worried about others’ opinions of you?
3. Have you ever lived with someone with an alcohol or drug problem?
4. Have you ever lived with someone who hits or belittles you?
5. Are the opinions of others more important than your own?
6. Do you have difficulty adjusting to changes at work or home?
7. Do you feel rejected when significant others spend time with friends?
8. Do you doubt your ability to be who you want to be?
9. Are you uncomfortable expressing your true feelings to others?
10. Have you ever felt inadequate?
11. Do you feel like a “bad person” when you make a mistake?
12. Do you have difficulty taking compliments or gifts?
13. Do you feel humiliation when your child or spouse makes a mistake?
14. Do you think people in your life would go downhill without your constant efforts?
15. Do you frequently wish someone could help you get things done?
16. Do you have difficulty talking to people in authority, such as the police or your boss?
17. Are you confused about who you are or where you are going with your life?
18. Do you have trouble saying “no” when asked for help?
19. Do you have trouble asking for help?
20. Do you have so many things going at once that you can’t do justice to any of them?

If you identify with several of these symptoms; are dissatisfied with yourself or your relationships; please
consider changing your behaviour pattern or circumstances - or seeking professional help (counsellor, pastor etc).
(See Independence - Inter-dependence - Codependence seminar).

Klaas Tuinman MA
Dawn Cove Abbey
Deerfield, (Yarmouth County) Nova Scotia, Canada
2002-2009

Start the recovery & healing starting steps today. Learn to be Dependent NO MORE

If you need to pick your spirits up, why not take a look at the Daily Morale Boosters
(Emotional/Spiritual Roadside Assistance) page here?

Codependent, Codependence, Codependency - Relationship Addiction

It is not unhealthy to need someone, or to want to feel loved
- it is unhealthy to "give yourself up" to fulfil that need.

Codependence is one-sided giving: one person gives all; the other simply takes.
A Codependent is a person, or persons, living with/in a relationship with a dysfunctional, or
addicted person.

Codependency often happens with people in relationships with chronically or mentally ill
individuals.
A codependent person is someone from any dysfunctional family

(The Everybody Loves Raymond TV series provides many perfect examples).

Codependency is a learned behavior that can be (and often is) passed down from one generation
to another (socialization).
It is an emotional and behavioral condition that affects you ability to have a healthy, mutually
satisfying relationship.

Only the Wounded Heal;
Only the Separated
Reconcile

Codependendent behaviour is pattern that is a result of circumstances in the past. These can be
overcome, and new behaviours learned - see "The Awakening".

Co-dependency-co-dependent is a condition where people lose sight of the true meaning of
caring & sharing - and thus ridicule and put-down real caring & sharing.

Codependency is a learned behavior that can be passed down from one generation to another.
It is an emotional and behavioral condition that affects an individual’s ability to have a
healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. It is NOT a disease - it is a learned behaviour!

Codependent behavior is passed on and learned by others through watching and imitating
other family members who display this type of behavior.
Determining whether it is codependent or not is a matter of assessing "balance" – discovering
if it is all one-sided, or if there is a mutual, back-and-forth helping etc situation.

Co-dependency is maintained through denial, enabling, avoidance & rescuing (see
Dysfunctional Families).

Codependency & Being Codependent refer to:

doing things for others (all the time) instead of helping others learn how to do it for
themselves!

the person who "tip-toes" around the sick (dysfunctional or addicted person) to avoid angering
or upsetting the “sick” person (there may be more than one codependent in a family).

A person who gives his/her own wants, needs, likes etc., up in order to “keep the peace”, and to
avoid upsetting someone with a major behaviour problem (such as anger / violence).

Codependence often begins for all the right reasons: by people who are loving, caring and
compassionate. They want to be of help to the wounded (dysfunctional) person. So, initially they try to
let certain things go, hoping that their patience and kindness will help facilitate change.

Before long, however, they discover that change is not happening, and the only thing they have really
accomplished is to enable the dysfunctional behaviour even more. By then, it is usually to late to
backtrack - and they are trapped into an endless cycle of codependence - good intentions gone bad.

To be Codependent means to wrongly blame oneself for the other person's
unhappiness or condition or state:
- it is about having a dysfunctional relationship with self!

It is also known as (or referred to as) "the relationship addiction” because
Codependent people often form, or maintain, relationships that are one-
sided, emotionally destructive, and/or abusive.

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and assist you in your Emotional, Mental and Spiritual Healing.
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