| Codependence and Codependent Characteristics Traits and Symptoms |
Co-dependency is a “natural”, but dysfunctional coping (and survival) response to a dysfunctional "sick" situation
(family or relationship).
It is NOT a disease - it is a learned response!
And it is an important survival strategy.
However - after time has passed, it's character changes from being a survival strategy in a particular circumstance -
to seeing it as "normal" - and that leads to the "sickness".
It becomes ingrained as "normal", and those dysfunctional behaviours and patterns are carried-over into all aspects
and situations of life (hence the "sickness" or dysfunction).
Dysfunctional families do not acknowledge that problems exist. They don’t talk about them or confront them. As a
result, family members learn to repress emotions and disregard their own needs (denial).
Are you co-dependent? Read on, and then try the quiz at the bottom of this page.
Note: there is a difference between codependent, dependent, independent and inter-dependent (see Healing Circle
page for more on these).
(family or relationship).
It is NOT a disease - it is a learned response!
And it is an important survival strategy.
However - after time has passed, it's character changes from being a survival strategy in a particular circumstance -
to seeing it as "normal" - and that leads to the "sickness".
It becomes ingrained as "normal", and those dysfunctional behaviours and patterns are carried-over into all aspects
and situations of life (hence the "sickness" or dysfunction).
Dysfunctional families do not acknowledge that problems exist. They don’t talk about them or confront them. As a
result, family members learn to repress emotions and disregard their own needs (denial).
Are you co-dependent? Read on, and then try the quiz at the bottom of this page.
Note: there is a difference between codependent, dependent, independent and inter-dependent (see Healing Circle
page for more on these).
Codependency affects spouses, children, parents, siblings, friends, and co-workers of a person afflicted with alcohol
or drug dependence, or anger problems.
Because Co-dependency is such a mis-used label often given to behaviours that are not negative and self-defeating, it
is important to learn what it is not, to do so, you must first learn what it "looks like" if someone truly is
codependent.
For a more rounded picture os "codependence", you have to understand what a dysfunctional family/relationship is,
because codependency emerges from that: see Dysfunctional Family, Healthy Family, Male-Female Equality &
Compare Relationships.
In addition, also see: Givers Vs Takers, Assertiveness, Fear, Let Go of Fear.
Behaviours, Other Traits & Characteristics Inventory,
and more on the Causes of Codependency and being codependent:
Codependency is a result of a dysfunctional family or relationship: it is a "learned behaviour" - which means you can
"unlearn" it.
In a dysfunctional family or relationship members suffer from fear, anger, pain, or shame
that is ignored or denied.
Underlying problems that result from this may include any of the following:
or drug dependence, or anger problems.
Because Co-dependency is such a mis-used label often given to behaviours that are not negative and self-defeating, it
is important to learn what it is not, to do so, you must first learn what it "looks like" if someone truly is
codependent.
For a more rounded picture os "codependence", you have to understand what a dysfunctional family/relationship is,
because codependency emerges from that: see Dysfunctional Family, Healthy Family, Male-Female Equality &
Compare Relationships.
In addition, also see: Givers Vs Takers, Assertiveness, Fear, Let Go of Fear.
Behaviours, Other Traits & Characteristics Inventory,
and more on the Causes of Codependency and being codependent:
Codependency is a result of a dysfunctional family or relationship: it is a "learned behaviour" - which means you can
"unlearn" it.
In a dysfunctional family or relationship members suffer from fear, anger, pain, or shame
that is ignored or denied.
Underlying problems that result from this may include any of the following:
- An addiction by a family member to drugs, alcohol, relationships, work, food, sex, or gambling.
- The existence of physical, emotional, or sexual abuse.
- The presence of a family member suffering from a chronic mental, or physical illness.
Traits, Characteristics, Symptoms & Signs of Codependency - Codependent people
- a partial inventory:
Codependent people:
The Codependence-Independence-Interdependence workshop provides a more detailed description of traits &
characteristics, also see Counseling.
- a partial inventory:
Codependent people:
- become either “victims or survivors.”
- develop behaviors that help them deny, ignore, or avoid difficult emotions.
- engage in sick, one-sided unconditional love
- have lost the ability to "stand up" for themselves, to be "balanced" or assertive.
- detach themselves: don’t talk - don’t touch - don’t confront - don’t feel - don’t trust.
- adopt "roles"
- continually try and "earn" being liked, needed or accepted through their actions (looking for "approval")
- cannot tell the difference between "helping" someone, and "doing it for them".
- Focus attention and energy on the family member who is ill or addicted - everything is done for them!
- Codependents have low self esteem and look for anything outside of themselves to make them feel better.
- Codependents find it hard to “be themselves.”
- Codependents often take on a martyr’s role and become “benefactors” to any individual in need.
- When the care-taking becomes compulsive, the codependent feels choiceless and helpless in the relationship, but
is unable to break away from the cycle of behavior that causes it.
- Co-dependents view themselves as victims and are attracted to that same weakness in their love and friendship
relationships. - Codependents have a tendency to confuse love and pity, with the tendency to “love” people they can pity and
rescue. - Codependents have a fear of intimacy of any kind.
- Codependents have a higher likelihood of suffering from depression and anxiety.
- Codependents have an unhealthy dependence on relationships. The codependent will do anything to hold on to a
relationship - to avoid the feeling of abandonment. - Codependents have an extreme need for approval and recognition (and become hurt when people don’t recognize
their efforts).
- Codependents have a strong, but misplaced, sense of guilt (self-blame) when asserting themselves;
- Codependents tend to form "passive-aggressive" personalities.
- Codependents have a compelling need to control others.
- Codependents have a lack of trust in self and/or others.
- Codependents fear, are unable to engage in, emotional intimacy
- Codependents fear being abandoned or alone.
- Codependents fear emotional intimacy (see glossary)
The Codependence-Independence-Interdependence workshop provides a more detailed description of traits &
characteristics, also see Counseling.
Codependency QUIZ: A Questionnaire:
Identifying Signs Of Codependency.
Codependency takes many forms, and exists in different degrees.
The intensity of symptoms are on a scale of severity, as compared to an all or nothing scale.
1. Do you keep quiet to avoid arguments?
2. Are you always worried about others’ opinions of you?
3. Have you ever lived with someone with an alcohol or drug problem?
4. Have you ever lived with someone who hits or belittles you?
5. Are the opinions of others more important than your own?
6. Do you have difficulty adjusting to changes at work or home?
7. Do you feel rejected when significant others spend time with friends?
8. Do you doubt your ability to be who you want to be?
9. Are you uncomfortable expressing your true feelings to others?
10. Have you ever felt inadequate?
11. Do you feel like a “bad person” when you make a mistake?
12. Do you have difficulty taking compliments or gifts?
13. Do you feel humiliation when your child or spouse makes a mistake?
14. Do you think people in your life would go downhill without your constant efforts?
15. Do you frequently wish someone could help you get things done?
16. Do you have difficulty talking to people in authority, such as the police or your boss?
17. Are you confused about who you are or where you are going with your life?
18. Do you have trouble saying “no” when asked for help?
19. Do you have trouble asking for help?
20. Do you have so many things going at once that you can’t do justice to any of them?
If you identify with several of these symptoms; are dissatisfied with yourself or your relationships; please consider
changing your behaviour pattern or circumstances - or seeking professional help (counsellor, pastor etc). (See
Independence - Inter-dependence - Codependence seminar).
Klaas Tuinman MA
Dawn Cove Abbey
Deerfield, (Yarmouth County) Nova Scotia, Canada
Revised 2010
Identifying Signs Of Codependency.
Codependency takes many forms, and exists in different degrees.
The intensity of symptoms are on a scale of severity, as compared to an all or nothing scale.
1. Do you keep quiet to avoid arguments?
2. Are you always worried about others’ opinions of you?
3. Have you ever lived with someone with an alcohol or drug problem?
4. Have you ever lived with someone who hits or belittles you?
5. Are the opinions of others more important than your own?
6. Do you have difficulty adjusting to changes at work or home?
7. Do you feel rejected when significant others spend time with friends?
8. Do you doubt your ability to be who you want to be?
9. Are you uncomfortable expressing your true feelings to others?
10. Have you ever felt inadequate?
11. Do you feel like a “bad person” when you make a mistake?
12. Do you have difficulty taking compliments or gifts?
13. Do you feel humiliation when your child or spouse makes a mistake?
14. Do you think people in your life would go downhill without your constant efforts?
15. Do you frequently wish someone could help you get things done?
16. Do you have difficulty talking to people in authority, such as the police or your boss?
17. Are you confused about who you are or where you are going with your life?
18. Do you have trouble saying “no” when asked for help?
19. Do you have trouble asking for help?
20. Do you have so many things going at once that you can’t do justice to any of them?
If you identify with several of these symptoms; are dissatisfied with yourself or your relationships; please consider
changing your behaviour pattern or circumstances - or seeking professional help (counsellor, pastor etc). (See
Independence - Inter-dependence - Codependence seminar).
Klaas Tuinman MA
Dawn Cove Abbey
Deerfield, (Yarmouth County) Nova Scotia, Canada
Revised 2010
| Start the recovery & healing starting steps today. Learn to be Dependent NO MORE |
If you need to pick your spirits up, why not take a look at the Daily Morale Boosters
(Emotional/Spiritual Roadside Assistance) page here?
(Emotional/Spiritual Roadside Assistance) page here?
| Codependence: an Inventory of Codependent/Codependency plus Quiz |
| It is not unhealthy to need someone, or to want to feel loved - it is unhealthy to "give yourself up" to fulfil that need. |
- Codependency is one-sided giving: one person gives all - including time; the other person simply takes.
- A Codependent is a person, or persons, living with/in a relationship with a dysfunctional, or addicted
person.
- Codependency often happens with people in relationships with chronically or mentally ill individuals.
- A codependent person is frequently someone from any dysfunctional family
- Codependency is a learned behavior that can be (and often is) passed down from one generation to
another (socialization). - It is an emotional and behavioral condition that affects your ability to have a healthy, mutually
satisfying relationship.
Codependendent behaviour is pattern that is a result of circumstances in the past. These
can be overcome, and new behaviours learned - see "The Awakening".
Being Codependent (codependency) is a condition where people lose sight of the true
meaning of caring & sharing - and thus ridicule and put-down real caring & sharing.
of "balance" that either exists or is absent - to determine whether all the giving
is one-sided, or if there is a mutual, back-and-forth giving-taking, helping situation.
can be overcome, and new behaviours learned - see "The Awakening".
Being Codependent (codependency) is a condition where people lose sight of the true
meaning of caring & sharing - and thus ridicule and put-down real caring & sharing.
- Codependency results either from fear, or from previously learned reactions in
dysfunctional home environments. Codependent people often were the children who
took on the Fixer/Rescuer role in their childhoods.
- It can be a learned behavior, it can be passed down from one generation to another.
It is an emotional and behavioral condition that affects an individual’s ability to
have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. It is NOT a disease - either way,
- Codependent behavior is passed on and learned by others through watching and
imitating other family members who display this type of behavior.
of "balance" that either exists or is absent - to determine whether all the giving
is one-sided, or if there is a mutual, back-and-forth giving-taking, helping situation.
Being Codependent means to wrongly blame oneself for the other person's
unhappiness or condition or state.
It is about having a dysfunctional relationship with self!
It is also known as (or referred to as) "the relationship addiction” because
Codependent people often form, or maintain, relationships that are one-sided,
emotionally destructive, and/or abusive.
unhappiness or condition or state.
It is about having a dysfunctional relationship with self!
It is also known as (or referred to as) "the relationship addiction” because
Codependent people often form, or maintain, relationships that are one-sided,
emotionally destructive, and/or abusive.
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| Follow-up and Support Counseling to Seminars & Workshops Dawn Cove Abbey Empowerment Outreach is a registered (not for profit) business in the province of Nova Scotia, Canada |
| | | | |
Being Codependent (Codependency) refers to:
- doing things for others (all the time) - with it being expected - instead of helping others learn how to do
it for themselves - or to insist on them doing it for themselves.
- the person who "tip-toes" around the sick (dysfunctional or addicted person) to avoid angering or
upsetting the “sick” person (there may be more than one codependent in a family).
Being Codependent means taking-on the responsibility for someone else's happiness.
It is about taking responsibility for the other person's feelings, moods and
behaviours - and doing whatever is necessary to keep the peace -
to make the other person feel good.
It is about taking responsibility for the other person's feelings, moods and
behaviours - and doing whatever is necessary to keep the peace -
to make the other person feel good.
The patterns of codependency can emerge from any family system where the open/direct and hidden/indirect
rules close its members off from the outside world.
Family systems like these discourage healthy communication of issues and feelings between themselves, which
destroys the family members' ability to trust themselves and to trust another in an intimate relationship.
This freezes family members into unnatural roles, which makes constructive change difficult.
Rules that encourage the unnatural patterns of relating in these codependent family systems include:
Don't talk about problems
Don't express feelings openly or honestly
Communicate indirectly, through acting out or sulking, or via another family member
Have unrealistic expectations about what the Dependent will do for you
Don't be selfish, think of the other person first
Don't take your parents as an example, because it's a "do as I say, not as I do" environment
Don't have fun
Don't rock the boat, keep the status quo
Don't talk about sex
Don't challenge your parent's religious beliefs or these family rules
Later in life these are carried over into other intimate relationships
- thus continuing and perpetuating the pattern.
rules close its members off from the outside world.
Family systems like these discourage healthy communication of issues and feelings between themselves, which
destroys the family members' ability to trust themselves and to trust another in an intimate relationship.
This freezes family members into unnatural roles, which makes constructive change difficult.
Rules that encourage the unnatural patterns of relating in these codependent family systems include:
Don't talk about problems
Don't express feelings openly or honestly
Communicate indirectly, through acting out or sulking, or via another family member
Have unrealistic expectations about what the Dependent will do for you
Don't be selfish, think of the other person first
Don't take your parents as an example, because it's a "do as I say, not as I do" environment
Don't have fun
Don't rock the boat, keep the status quo
Don't talk about sex
Don't challenge your parent's religious beliefs or these family rules
Later in life these are carried over into other intimate relationships
- thus continuing and perpetuating the pattern.
| Survivors' web sites |
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Codependency also means "being controlled"
Codependence is like a huge blood sucker which starts sucking you dry; slowly at first.
Perhaps it begins by your codependent relationship.
Codependency often begins for all the right reasons: by people who are loving, caring and compassionate. They
want to be of help to the wounded (dysfunctional) person.
So, initially they try to let certain things go, hoping that their patience and kindness will help facilitate change.
Before long, however, they discover that change is not happening, and the only thing they have really
accomplished is to enable the dysfunctional behaviour even more.
By then, it is usually to late to backtrack - and they are trapped into an endless cycle of codependence - good
intentions gone bad.
Codependence is like a huge blood sucker which starts sucking you dry; slowly at first.
Perhaps it begins by your codependent relationship.
Codependency often begins for all the right reasons: by people who are loving, caring and compassionate. They
want to be of help to the wounded (dysfunctional) person.
So, initially they try to let certain things go, hoping that their patience and kindness will help facilitate change.
Before long, however, they discover that change is not happening, and the only thing they have really
accomplished is to enable the dysfunctional behaviour even more.
By then, it is usually to late to backtrack - and they are trapped into an endless cycle of codependence - good
intentions gone bad.
If the description on this page describes you and
you wish to heal, let us help you find long-term
resolution for your problems - and assist you
in your emotional, mental and spiritual healing.
If it describes someone in your life, we can help
you understand it better and how to cope or deal
with it - and bring healing to you as well.
We can help you begin
your Inner Child's journey "home"
Nearly 30 years experience
helping Adult Wounded Children.
Email, call or write to begin the healing - Today!
you wish to heal, let us help you find long-term
resolution for your problems - and assist you
in your emotional, mental and spiritual healing.
If it describes someone in your life, we can help
you understand it better and how to cope or deal
with it - and bring healing to you as well.
We can help you begin
your Inner Child's journey "home"
Nearly 30 years experience
helping Adult Wounded Children.
Email, call or write to begin the healing - Today!
| Let us help you find long-term resolution for your problems - and assist you in your Emotional, Mental and Spiritual Healing. If you have a Dependency issue - we can help Email, call or write - Today! Available to you 7 days per week - wherever you are |
Dawn Cove Abbey Transformational Outreach: Resource
As long as you keep thinking that it is not your fault (how you feel now); that something
else must change, you will continue to feel helpless and powerless. By continuing to play
the victim, you will be totally at the mercy of your environment. -Unknown
else must change, you will continue to feel helpless and powerless. By continuing to play
the victim, you will be totally at the mercy of your environment. -Unknown
NOTE: This page, like most pages on the site, describes and explains behaviours and circumstances. They can bring
understanding, and while understanding by itself does not necessarily bring recovery:
it can bring a sense of relief.
Understanding is only the first step - it is not the recovery process itself!
The information on this page describes an 'extreme' of behaviour. Very few people ever display all of them. Some of
the behaviours listed here are actually ‘normal’ responses to certain events and situations. These reactions usually
subside and lose their power to disrupt life or create and maintain chaos. However, when a person is deeply wounded
they linger and contribute to dysfunction.
The good news is that although it seems difficult, anyone can dig down deep past set behaviours and change their core
responses. If you are ready to make the change / transition to begin your healing journey, we can help.
Please call, write or email without obligation (and strictly confidential)
For more information click HERE, to contact us, please see Contact-Us
understanding, and while understanding by itself does not necessarily bring recovery:
it can bring a sense of relief.
Understanding is only the first step - it is not the recovery process itself!
The information on this page describes an 'extreme' of behaviour. Very few people ever display all of them. Some of
the behaviours listed here are actually ‘normal’ responses to certain events and situations. These reactions usually
subside and lose their power to disrupt life or create and maintain chaos. However, when a person is deeply wounded
they linger and contribute to dysfunction.
The good news is that although it seems difficult, anyone can dig down deep past set behaviours and change their core
responses. If you are ready to make the change / transition to begin your healing journey, we can help.
Please call, write or email without obligation (and strictly confidential)
For more information click HERE, to contact us, please see Contact-Us
Letting Go of Fear
Fear is at the core of co-dependency.
It can motivate us to control situations or neglect ourselves.
Many of us have been afraid for so long that we don't label our feelings fear.
We're used to feeling upset and anxious. It feels normal.
Peace and serenity may be uncomfortable.
At one time, fear may have been appropriate and useful.
We may have relied on fear to protect ourselves,
much the way soldiers in a war rely on fear to help them survive.
But now, in recovery, we're living life differently.
It's time to thank our old fears for helping us survive, then wave good-bye to them.
Welcome peace, trust, acceptance, and safety.
We don't need that much fear anymore.
We can listen to our healthy fears, and let go of the rest.
We can create a feeling of safety for ourselves, now.
We are safe, now.
We've made a commitment to take care of ourselves.
We can trust and love ourselves.
God, help me let go of my need to be afraid.
Replace it with a need to be at peace.
Help me listen to my healthy fears and relinquish the rest.
-Unknown (Also see Let Go Of Fear)
Fear is at the core of co-dependency.
It can motivate us to control situations or neglect ourselves.
Many of us have been afraid for so long that we don't label our feelings fear.
We're used to feeling upset and anxious. It feels normal.
Peace and serenity may be uncomfortable.
At one time, fear may have been appropriate and useful.
We may have relied on fear to protect ourselves,
much the way soldiers in a war rely on fear to help them survive.
But now, in recovery, we're living life differently.
It's time to thank our old fears for helping us survive, then wave good-bye to them.
Welcome peace, trust, acceptance, and safety.
We don't need that much fear anymore.
We can listen to our healthy fears, and let go of the rest.
We can create a feeling of safety for ourselves, now.
We are safe, now.
We've made a commitment to take care of ourselves.
We can trust and love ourselves.
God, help me let go of my need to be afraid.
Replace it with a need to be at peace.
Help me listen to my healthy fears and relinquish the rest.
-Unknown (Also see Let Go Of Fear)
We welcome inquiries. There is no obligation, and there will be no unwanted
follow-up solicitation. All inquiries are totally confidential: see Contact Us
follow-up solicitation. All inquiries are totally confidential: see Contact Us
Roadside Assistance for your healing and reconciliation Journey Of Life
Childhood is where it begins.
Therefore, part of any healing journey is to reconnect with that child inside: the inner child. And although
healing occurs in all those who actively engage in that journey
- there will always be remnants and memories.
Dysfunction too often is generational: it is passed on from one generation to another. The only way to
change it is to break that cycle. The best way to do so is to begin one's own recovery and healing, and then
focus on children in one's life.
This cannot be emphasized too much: I suggest you read Prayer For The Children
Therefore, part of any healing journey is to reconnect with that child inside: the inner child. And although
healing occurs in all those who actively engage in that journey
- there will always be remnants and memories.
Dysfunction too often is generational: it is passed on from one generation to another. The only way to
change it is to break that cycle. The best way to do so is to begin one's own recovery and healing, and then
focus on children in one's life.
This cannot be emphasized too much: I suggest you read Prayer For The Children
| Can Adult Children recover and heal and lead creative, functional lives? Yes, they can - and they do! One young lady I know, who despite having some dark days, writes excellent poetry. You can find it on her blog site - click HERE Also see - Survivors Podium on this site, with brief stories from those who succeeded. Please consider sharing your story |
| If you are ready to make the change / transition to begin your healing journey, we can help. For more information see Help - to contact us see Contact-Us Please call, write or email without obligation (and strictly confidential) |
Dawn Cove Abbey - many ways of helping people learn, recover and heal:
I sincerely hope that you take the Less Travelled Road and that it brings
awakening and healing to you.
People who really want to heal, will find a way;
those who don't, will find an excuse.
- providing personal guidance for growth, healing and empowerment
through personal life coaching/counselling.
- extensive information and support pages on this website
- - the information is free and available to all - if you have found it to
be helpful and useful, please consider making a donation toward
maintaining this important service.
I sincerely hope that you take the Less Travelled Road and that it brings
awakening and healing to you.
People who really want to heal, will find a way;
those who don't, will find an excuse.
If you found this page helpful and know someone else who could benefit from it, please tell them
NOTE: For Recovering/Healing from a dysfunctional family, coping with or overcoming a dysfunctional
(alcoholic) family/relationship, help is available here - Online, distance help/counselling works!
Related topics: Abuse & Violence, Children-Roles, Codependency & Male-Female Equality, Lifeskills or Building Trust
NOTE: For Recovering/Healing from a dysfunctional family, coping with or overcoming a dysfunctional
(alcoholic) family/relationship, help is available here - Online, distance help/counselling works!
Related topics: Abuse & Violence, Children-Roles, Codependency & Male-Female Equality, Lifeskills or Building Trust
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Parental Alienation is a form
of child abuse. Help stop it.
Click HERE
of child abuse. Help stop it.
Click HERE
Definitions of Codependent behaviour:
"An emotional, psychological, and behavioral condition that develops as a result of an individual's prolonged
exposure to, and practice of, a set of oppressive rules - rules which prevent the open expression of feeling as
well as the direct discussion of personal and interpersonal problems."
-Subby, Co-Dependency: And Intimate Relationships (Norelco Box).
"Those self-defeating, learned behaviors or character defects that result in a diminished capacity to initiate
or to participate in loving relationships."
-E. Larsen.
"A codependent person is one who has let another person's behaviors affect him or her, and who is obsessed
with controlling the person's behavior."
-M. Beattie, Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself
The core matter of the definition lies in the codependent, not the other person.
It is in the way the codependent lets other peoples' behaviors and feelings control them (the codependent).
"An emotional, psychological, and behavioral condition that develops as a result of an individual's prolonged
exposure to, and practice of, a set of oppressive rules - rules which prevent the open expression of feeling as
well as the direct discussion of personal and interpersonal problems."
-Subby, Co-Dependency: And Intimate Relationships (Norelco Box).
"Those self-defeating, learned behaviors or character defects that result in a diminished capacity to initiate
or to participate in loving relationships."
-E. Larsen.
"A codependent person is one who has let another person's behaviors affect him or her, and who is obsessed
with controlling the person's behavior."
-M. Beattie, Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself
The core matter of the definition lies in the codependent, not the other person.
It is in the way the codependent lets other peoples' behaviors and feelings control them (the codependent).
The Codependency Triangle
There are three main players or roles in this dysfunctional family system
(or any codependent relationship system or group), the Victim, the
Persecutor, and the Rescuer.
Victim -- The Victim is characterized by feelings of helplessness,
self-pity, and blames others for their problems.
In an family with an addict, this is the addict.
Victims are characterized by a lot of "poor me" and black-and-white
thinking.
You will hear them say such things as, "Why do I always get into trouble?
Why am I always the blame? Everyone is against me. Nobody likes me.
Everybody hates me...."
The irony is that everyone in such a dysfunctional system feels the
"victim". All of them feel disempowered.
Children and teens often take this role.
There are three main players or roles in this dysfunctional family system
(or any codependent relationship system or group), the Victim, the
Persecutor, and the Rescuer.
Victim -- The Victim is characterized by feelings of helplessness,
self-pity, and blames others for their problems.
In an family with an addict, this is the addict.
Victims are characterized by a lot of "poor me" and black-and-white
thinking.
You will hear them say such things as, "Why do I always get into trouble?
Why am I always the blame? Everyone is against me. Nobody likes me.
Everybody hates me...."
The irony is that everyone in such a dysfunctional system feels the
"victim". All of them feel disempowered.
Children and teens often take this role.
Rescuer -- Here we come to the dysfunctional role played by many parents. Also referred to as an "enabler", these are
the martyrs of the system, they are the sufferers.
They discount their own needs, always "sacrificing" for the other two players, especially the Victim. They use guilt to
control others, avoid their own true feelings, and are usually overstressed.
Persecutor -- Finally, we come to the persecutor. S/he abuses others in the system, also uses guilt to control,
as well as withdrawal and sulking, and often also uses drugs and alcohol.
In the codependent triangle:
All are codependent.
All feel a lack of personal power.
In a family system of more than three, you can have multiples of each of the three players.
This is a dynamic system. There is a lot of switching around of roles.
The Rescuer can quickly take on a Persecutor role or a Victim role, etc.
Players may switch roles even in a short conversation or interaction.
Personal boundaries are unclear between the players.
For example, The Victim tries to get others in the Triangle to be responsible or rescue them.
The Rescuer thinks s/he is responsible for the Victim.
The Persecutor blames everyone else. There is no clear sense of where each begins and ends, i.e. boundaries.
Each of the players tries to use the others to make them feel like a whole, complete person.
But, of course, it or they never do. They always feel something is missing, that they are not complete
(Triangle information gathered from the web)
the martyrs of the system, they are the sufferers.
They discount their own needs, always "sacrificing" for the other two players, especially the Victim. They use guilt to
control others, avoid their own true feelings, and are usually overstressed.
Persecutor -- Finally, we come to the persecutor. S/he abuses others in the system, also uses guilt to control,
as well as withdrawal and sulking, and often also uses drugs and alcohol.
In the codependent triangle:
All are codependent.
All feel a lack of personal power.
In a family system of more than three, you can have multiples of each of the three players.
This is a dynamic system. There is a lot of switching around of roles.
The Rescuer can quickly take on a Persecutor role or a Victim role, etc.
Players may switch roles even in a short conversation or interaction.
Personal boundaries are unclear between the players.
For example, The Victim tries to get others in the Triangle to be responsible or rescue them.
The Rescuer thinks s/he is responsible for the Victim.
The Persecutor blames everyone else. There is no clear sense of where each begins and ends, i.e. boundaries.
Each of the players tries to use the others to make them feel like a whole, complete person.
But, of course, it or they never do. They always feel something is missing, that they are not complete
(Triangle information gathered from the web)
Regardless how long your behaviour pattern and circumstances may have
existed, and no matter how much you despair of healing: recovery - healing and
becoming a true survivor is possible at any time.
"Each night I die to old habits and to negative thinking and actions
that do not serve me any more;
each morning I am resurrected into new life, again and again – if I so choose."
(adapted from our chapel's prayers).
existed, and no matter how much you despair of healing: recovery - healing and
becoming a true survivor is possible at any time.
"Each night I die to old habits and to negative thinking and actions
that do not serve me any more;
each morning I am resurrected into new life, again and again – if I so choose."
(adapted from our chapel's prayers).
Codependency: the Relationship Addiction
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