Effect of Culture of Dysfunction on Family and Relationship

To understand the relationship of the Dysfunctional Family/Relationship to Culture, it is important to know what "culture" is.

INTRODUCTION:
Culture: Every human being has a culture, but no one is born with one. Culture is learned behaviour, and enculturation (socialization) is the process
learning of a culture.

Culture is the entire way of life of a group of people.
Culture dictates everything about us--how we dress, what we eat, where we live, how and what (or whom) we worship, how we earn a
living, what rules and standards guide our lives.
A child born in Canada, for example, but switched at birth with a child born in China, (thus living in China) - would be culturally Chinese:
she would speak the Chinese language, dress in the Chinese fashion, follow Chinese rules and standards for living.

Culture is not related to one's language or religion or race or ethnic group - but language is related to culture!
For example, many different cultures (American, British, Canadian, Australian, etc.) speak English (but in slightly different ways. Many
religions, such as Christianity, Islam and Buddhism, cross cultures. Canadian (or any other) culture includes people from dozens of racial and
ethnic groups. All rules, ideas, activities and actions in a culture have a purpose, or function.
This function is known to all members of the culture, but often is not obvious to outsiders.
These "rules" and "functions" are passed-on (transmitted) by the family.

A Social Science Definition (Nature) of culture:

A system of values and norms that are shared among a group of people and that when taken together make up a design for living.

So, you can see that culture is "the" major influence on human life.
We are born into it, learn it (a process called enculturation (or
socialization) - and then pass it on to the next generation.

The point of contact for any human being with culture is -
the family. The family is the smallest component of a
society (culture).
Everything we learn, experience, hear, see, feel, etc is
"filtered" through our intellect & emotions - which were
shaped by culture.
see illustrations to the right (just below here).

Social-Cultural CAUSES of the Dysfunctional Family

The dysfunctional family (relationship) is a cultural thing: it is the
product of an emotionally dishonest, shame based, patriarchal society –
and based upon beliefs that do not support the concept of "Love thyself",
"Love thy neighbor", or "Do Unto Others as you would have them do
unto you" (Robert Burney). See more below.

Culture is the major determinant of what is "acceptable" - and what isn't;
what is "possible", and what isn't; what is "permissible", and what isn't.
Culture is what teaches us what our "limits" for achieving our potential
are: and thus retards it.

The family is the smallest cultural unit - it is a culture itself.

Dysfunctional family and relationship dynamics
can be due to mental illness, chronic physical
illness, substance abuse (drugs/alcohol etc),
poverty, death, poor foster care - and many others.

Dysfunctional Families & Relationships respect
no boundaries: they are found among rich and
poor; educated and illiterate; in all cultures, in all
religions and political systems.

Dysfunctional families & relationships go far
beyond our role models and our prototypes.
These are dysfunctional – and that’s cultural.

Our "traditional" concepts of what a man is, of
what a woman is, and what a child is, are distorted
and twisted stereotypes of what masculine,
feminine and childhood really are: they are formed
by the cultures we live in.

Our cultures reinforce it through examples among
"heroes", public figures, magazines, advertising,
and television, among others. It is a "machismo"
thing.

Abuse and Violence are endemic: this is how
power and control are maintained, and transmitted
- the cultural transmission of dysfunction.

No matter where we look - and I am trying not to be pessimistic - we see violence: war, protests, exploitation, starvation, and large
scale poverty - when the resources to avoid all this are readily available.
The "push" seems to be toward "control" and dominance - using force whenever, and wherever necessary.

C hildren learn from their parents and other significant adults: from what they see, hear, observe and experience, they form their views
on what is "right" and "wrong", "how life is", what is permissible and acceptable, etc.

The "model" cultures promote of what a man is does not allow a man to cry or express fear; when the model for what a woman is does
not allow a woman to be angry or aggressive, or a child to be a child - that is emotional dishonesty, and is severely maladaptive.
When the standards of a society deny the full range of the emotional spectrum and label certain emotions as negative - that is not only
emotionally dishonest, it creates an emotional sickness (our behaviour patterns are not a disease) they are behaviours – and patterns of
behaviour.

When a culture is based on emotional dishonesty, with role models that are dishonest emotionally, then that culture is also emotionally
dysfunctional and maladaptive. For it sets the people of that society up to be emotionally dishonest and dysfunctional in getting their
emotional needs met.

What we traditionally have called normal parenting in this society is abusive because it is emotionally dishonest. Children learn who
they are as emotional beings from the role modeling of their parents - and from the wider cultural setting they live in: in which they are
immersed; and by which they are surrounded.
"Do as I say - not as I do," does not work with children or adults. Emotionally dishonest parents (and cultural environment) cannot
be emotionally healthy role models, and cannot provide healthy parenting. Our cultural/familial model for what a family should be
sets up abusive, emotionally dishonest dynamics.

MAJOR Cultural CHARACTERISTICS and TRAITS Inventory of sick, unhealthy, dysfunctional(alcoholic) families and relationships:

Denial & Enabling: Denial is the mechanism that "keeps it going" (see Dysfunctional Families). This is only a manifestation of
cultural denial and enabling to maintain exploitation and the status quo.

Non-communication and secrecy: members of/from dysfunctional family (cultural unit) avoid speaking about the situation and their
feelings about it. The whole dysfunctional, maladaptive situation results in feelings of futility and powerlessness about being able to
change anything. Later in life it leads to makes them want to drop out of groups, blame everyone else, and do almost anything but
communicate, or look for meaningful change.

Anger and fear: in dysfunctional families (as in cultures), children are left with a constant level of anger and fear, which becomes
"normal" behaviour in these circumstances. Later, it is exacerbated by any situation which threatens (or seems to threaten), or to
mimic the original situation (family dynamic). The anger is carried over from childhood into adulthood, and later in life, when certain
incidents arise, even if the anger is justified, its vehemence will usually be greater than the situation deserves, due to the carry-over.
Because it is in part a carryover from childhood, the force or frequency of the anger may obscure its actual cause, and the end result is
frustration for everyone.

Competition: (mirrored from the culture people find themselves in), there is a limited amount of love, time, money, food, clothing,
safety, etc, in dysfunctional families. Family members learn that all of these things must be earned through competition. Rather than
developing ways of working together, family members pit themselves against each other. Later in life they feel they have to compete
with others (in all kinds of situations and circumstances) to get a word in edgewise, to perform as well as others, or to jockey for a
power position.

Unequal power structures: in most dysfunctional families (once again, as in the various cultural environments) one person had the
most power (often, but not always, the father); the other adult (often, but not always, the mother) was dependent upon him/her. The
children, in turn, were dependent upon the weaker of the two. That adult's powerlessness was compensated for through his or her
power over the children. The children were powerless against their parents and sought to make pecking orders among themselves and
their peers - because they learned to operate within the family rules.

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Dependence: dysfunctional family cultural unit members became dependent upon the very people whose behaviors they didn't feel
good about. Later in life these people are terrified to let go of destructive patterns: of course, outsiders find this behavior baffling:
codependency at its worst - and thus repeating and perpetuating the cycle. It also often leads to Codependency later in life.

Guilt and shame: members of dysfunctional families usually are: powerless, dependent, fearful and angry. These emotions are
funneled into the subconscious through secrecy. The end result is: a feeling of malaise (sickness); low self-esteem; lack of trust, and a
strong underlying sense of shame; also see "Guilt", a great cultural mechanism to keep people from questioning the status quo.

Lack of trust: this is the consequence of growing up in a dysfunctional family (or growing up dysfunctional). It is a continuing state
of dysfunctional family survivors. It goes so deep that a vicious, repeating circle is formed, one which perpetuates the situation: with
the result that it both causes and increases all of the behaviours above (see Building Trust). This is simply mirroring the cultural
climate where people no longer trust politicians, for example.

That circle is known as the Cycle Of Violence & Abuse. Inability to trust leads to being suspicious of everyone, and everything.
There is always a suspicion that all others have hidden motives and agendas: in fact, it is assumed that this is the case. This leads to
the inability to be fully authentic, honest and forth-right. To people raised in a dysfunctional family, or trapped in a dysfunctional
relationship, the opposite (healthy, functional and adaptive) looks weird, strange, sick, intimidating and scary.

Our cultural human tendency is to judge/compare new experiences, ideas, practices, customs, situations and people in our lives by comparing
them, or measuring them against what we know. The "weirdness" actually consists in the fact that it is the "sick" situation we are using as the
"standard of comparison", as if, somehow, it was "right" and the other is "wrong". If we use the standard we were taught, we will never be
able to break out of the cultural pattern:

To people raised in a dysfunctional family, or trapped in a dysfunctional relationship, the opposite (healthy, functional and
adaptive) looks weird, strange, "sick", intimidating and scary. Mostly, this is due to the fact that our human tendency is to "judge"
new experiences, people and situations in our lives by comparing them, or measuring them against what we know. The "weirdness"
actually consists in the fact that it is the "sick" situation we are using as the "standard", as if, somehow, it was "right" and the other
is "wrong".

Amazingly, there are those who go counter to the prevailing cultural model - and work out a family, or relationship system that doesn't
follow the cultural pattern: see Healthy Families, Comparing Healthy-UnHealthy Relationships, Male-Female Equality.

"Escape" from this is totally possible - see "The Awakening".

Klaas Tuinman M.A
Dawn Cove Abbey
Deerfield (Yarmouth County) Nova Scotia - 2008

To cope, members of dysfunctional family systems resort to taking on “roles” within the family that allow the system to be tolerable. The
“taking on a role” is an unconscious act – it is not deliberate: it is a survival "technique".

These roles are played right through adulthood and are especially prominent in group situations.

These, too,are products of our environment and culture (as represented by the family, community, culture; "church" and state)

Since the family is the basic core of society - the problems and dysfunctions of society are reflected in the family, and the dysfunctions of
families are projected into society.

A "sufficient" number of dysfunctional (alcoholic) families causes the entire society to turn dysfunctional: it is truly, and fully a "cultural"
phenomenon: a sad, and destructive one - often to be repeated, generation after generation - until someone breaks the cycle.

Because the child is born into it, the family's method of functioning is seen as "normal", rather than sick, maladaptive or deviant - it
becomes simply "the way things are" for that child. It is part of their socialization process.
This form of dysfunction is shrouded in non-communication, alienation, fear, denial and anger which, while shared by all, is not
permissible to express.
These feelings get channeled into standardized behavior patterns designed to keep the unhealthy system functioning as smoothly as it
can under the circumstances.
The patterns become second nature, part of the basic survival mechanisms which people carry through into all their subsequent
situations.

Components of Culture:

Culture structures (shapes) your "reality".

Family life
Child rearing
Values, beliefs, attitudes
Language
Myths and stories
History
Religion
Division of labour
Birth and death rituals
Food

Effect of Culture of Dysfunction on Dysfunctional Family and Relationship

The Dysfunctional Family and Culture

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