If you have tried unsuccessfully on your own to deal with either denial or enabling (or both),
or have tried to help someone else, and feel in need of assistance, help is available here.
Klaas Tuinman MA
Deerfield, (Yarmouth County) Nova Scotia, Canada, 2000-2010
or have tried to help someone else, and feel in need of assistance, help is available here.
Klaas Tuinman MA
Deerfield, (Yarmouth County) Nova Scotia, Canada, 2000-2010
Denial and Enabling
aspects of Alcoholism, Addiction and Dysfunction
Denial: the most common and often frustrating aspects of
dysfunction, alcoholism and other addictions is "denial."
In the long path of such dysfunctions toward mental,
physical and moral decline, the first thing to go is honesty.
They simply lie about their dysfunction.
Little lies at first.
For example, in alcoholism;
“I only had two . . .
I haven't had a drink in a week . . .
I don't drink as much as s/he does . . .”
aspects of Alcoholism, Addiction and Dysfunction
Denial: the most common and often frustrating aspects of
dysfunction, alcoholism and other addictions is "denial."
In the long path of such dysfunctions toward mental,
physical and moral decline, the first thing to go is honesty.
They simply lie about their dysfunction.
Little lies at first.
For example, in alcoholism;
“I only had two . . .
I haven't had a drink in a week . . .
I don't drink as much as s/he does . . .”
As the addiction or dysfunction deepens they begin to hide this fact from those around them.
Depending upon their circumstances,
for example, in alcoholism, s/he may drink openly,
but usually s/he will conceal the amount s/he drinks,
by not drinking around those who are closest to him/her.
That process is similar with other addictions and dysfunctional behaviours and actions.
If someone tries to discuss their behaviour problem with them,
they simply refuse to talk about it, or dismisses it as not a real problem.
These simple acts of denial, lying about their dysfunctional behaviour and actions, are clues
that the addict/perpetrator knows deep down inside that s/he has a problem.
If it's not a problem, why lie about it to anyone?
To protect them?
Depending upon their circumstances,
for example, in alcoholism, s/he may drink openly,
but usually s/he will conceal the amount s/he drinks,
by not drinking around those who are closest to him/her.
That process is similar with other addictions and dysfunctional behaviours and actions.
If someone tries to discuss their behaviour problem with them,
they simply refuse to talk about it, or dismisses it as not a real problem.
These simple acts of denial, lying about their dysfunctional behaviour and actions, are clues
that the addict/perpetrator knows deep down inside that s/he has a problem.
If it's not a problem, why lie about it to anyone?
To protect them?
DENIAL:
People who have certain behaviour problems (alcohol, narcotics, violent, controlling, abusive
behaviour, lying, stealing, etc) put up a buffer against their families and society.
They won't accept that they have a problem - nor do they want to admit/accept what is happening
to them.
It is called denial.
It is not just a form of lying: it is lying to oneself (and then others)
Denial means: to avoid taking responsibility for, or ownership of, one’s actions, behaviours,
addictions, etc.
Denial impairs their judgement and results in self-delusion which keeps them in a very destructive,
continuing pattern.
There are several forms of denial:
Simple Denial: (pretending it doesn’t exist)
Minimizing Denial: (trying to make it look as something “innocent”)
Blaming: (denial - shift attention)
Rationalizing: (denial)
Intellectualizing: (denial)
Diversion: (denial - change the topic)
Hostility: (denial)
In all cases denial is purely a deliberate refusal to take ownership or responsibility for one's own
behaviour:
it is a conscious choice.
The denial will get worse over time as the behaviour continues.
Enabling (over-looking; excusing; rescuing):
often people that are close to the person who is developing an unacceptable behaviour pattern
seem to overlook or avoid the evidence.
It used to be called “sweeping things under the rug or carpet”.
Enabling is making excuses
In reality, it is a case where the others accept the lying
- and play along as if it wasn't so
- a game of pretend.
- a very sick game.
This “enables” (makes it possible for) the one with the problem to “get away with it”.
It is a delusion - with everyone pretending it doesn't exist!
When the problem has gone to a critical stage (has not gone away, but gotten worse), they think
that they should do something.
By then, however, denial has already set in and it will be much harder to help him/her.
The major reasons for people close to the person to act this way is that they do not know much
about such behaviours
- or reject (deny) what they do know
- (they don't want to deal with it)
- and they “play along”, and thus enabling the person to continue with it.
Families' (partner's) non-acceptance (denial) of the problem does not help the people with
behavioural problems.
Families may think they are helping them by protecting them.
However, they soon realize that making excuses won't help.
Making excuses, rationalizing and trying to keep the problem hidden only lead to more trouble.
The family (or partner) may attribute the behaviour to a number of things:
a bad childhood,
marital problems,
or other everyday problems that may happen to everybody, but that particular person just can't
cope with it.
Or . . . they too, may re-label it as an illness or disorder, and thus remove responsibility (and
choice of other options) for the behaviour from that individual.
It is NOT an illness or disorder: it is a CHOICE!
This in turn prevents him/her from receiving the proper help (and responses), but this also gives
support to the denial system.
If you are allowing that behaviour to continue - you are an Enabler.
Denial and Enabling in most cases also result in Codependence.
People who have certain behaviour problems (alcohol, narcotics, violent, controlling, abusive
behaviour, lying, stealing, etc) put up a buffer against their families and society.
They won't accept that they have a problem - nor do they want to admit/accept what is happening
to them.
It is called denial.
It is not just a form of lying: it is lying to oneself (and then others)
Denial means: to avoid taking responsibility for, or ownership of, one’s actions, behaviours,
addictions, etc.
Denial impairs their judgement and results in self-delusion which keeps them in a very destructive,
continuing pattern.
There are several forms of denial:
Simple Denial: (pretending it doesn’t exist)
Minimizing Denial: (trying to make it look as something “innocent”)
Blaming: (denial - shift attention)
Rationalizing: (denial)
Intellectualizing: (denial)
Diversion: (denial - change the topic)
Hostility: (denial)
In all cases denial is purely a deliberate refusal to take ownership or responsibility for one's own
behaviour:
it is a conscious choice.
The denial will get worse over time as the behaviour continues.
Enabling (over-looking; excusing; rescuing):
often people that are close to the person who is developing an unacceptable behaviour pattern
seem to overlook or avoid the evidence.
It used to be called “sweeping things under the rug or carpet”.
Enabling is making excuses
In reality, it is a case where the others accept the lying
- and play along as if it wasn't so
- a game of pretend.
- a very sick game.
This “enables” (makes it possible for) the one with the problem to “get away with it”.
It is a delusion - with everyone pretending it doesn't exist!
When the problem has gone to a critical stage (has not gone away, but gotten worse), they think
that they should do something.
By then, however, denial has already set in and it will be much harder to help him/her.
The major reasons for people close to the person to act this way is that they do not know much
about such behaviours
- or reject (deny) what they do know
- (they don't want to deal with it)
- and they “play along”, and thus enabling the person to continue with it.
Families' (partner's) non-acceptance (denial) of the problem does not help the people with
behavioural problems.
Families may think they are helping them by protecting them.
However, they soon realize that making excuses won't help.
Making excuses, rationalizing and trying to keep the problem hidden only lead to more trouble.
The family (or partner) may attribute the behaviour to a number of things:
a bad childhood,
marital problems,
or other everyday problems that may happen to everybody, but that particular person just can't
cope with it.
Or . . . they too, may re-label it as an illness or disorder, and thus remove responsibility (and
choice of other options) for the behaviour from that individual.
It is NOT an illness or disorder: it is a CHOICE!
This in turn prevents him/her from receiving the proper help (and responses), but this also gives
support to the denial system.
If you are allowing that behaviour to continue - you are an Enabler.
Denial and Enabling in most cases also result in Codependence.
 |  |  |  |  |
The true addict/perpetrator (the person that has the behaviour problem) covers up and denies
his/her dysfunction out of her/his own feelings that there is something different or "wrong" about it.
Somewhere inside s/he realizes that her/his dysfunction/addiction means more to him/her that s/he
is willing to admit.
As the addiction/dysfunctional behaviour progresses it begins to cause real problems in their life, the
denial likewise increases.
Even though their actions and sprees have gotten them into some real trouble, they deny it has
anything to do with their dysfunction/addiction.
his/her dysfunction out of her/his own feelings that there is something different or "wrong" about it.
Somewhere inside s/he realizes that her/his dysfunction/addiction means more to him/her that s/he
is willing to admit.
As the addiction/dysfunctional behaviour progresses it begins to cause real problems in their life, the
denial likewise increases.
Even though their actions and sprees have gotten them into some real trouble, they deny it has
anything to do with their dysfunction/addiction.
Healing
outreach
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the world
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| DENIAL and ENABLING - Avoiding Ownership and Responsibility |
| for Adult Children of Alcoholic/Dysfunctional Families |
IF YOU NEED HELP WITH YOUR LIFE SITUATION
Let us help you find long-term resolution for your problems -
and assist you in your Emotional, Mental and Spiritual Healing.
If denial/enabling is an issue in your life - we can help
Email, Call or write - Today!
Let us help you find long-term resolution for your problems -
and assist you in your Emotional, Mental and Spiritual Healing.
If denial/enabling is an issue in your life - we can help
Email, Call or write - Today!
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Somewhere inside s/he realizes that her/his dysfunction/addiction means more to him/her that s/he
is willing to admit.
As the addiction/dysfunctional behaviour progresses it begins to cause real problems in their life,
the denial likewise increases.
Even though their actions and sprees have gotten them into some real trouble, they deny it has
anything to do with their dysfunction/addiction.
It has become like a defence mechanism, which is made possible by others.
Enter “enabling”:
by the time the disease has gotten to the crisis point, they have developed a support system of
family and friends
Because they love the addict/dysfunctional person (in the case of alcoholism, the affable, clever and
witty alcoholic),
they act to protect them by covering for them,
doing the work that they don't get done,
paying the bills that they don't pay,
rescuing them from their scrapes with the law and other incidents,
and generally taking up the responsibilities they have abandoned.
The others cover for them by making excuses:
For example, in alcoholism,
“S/he can't come in to work today, s/he's got a, er, virus . . .
We've got to get him/her out of jail, s/he'll lose his job! Then what will we do . . .
It was my fault, officer, I said some things I should not have said . . .”
By doing these things, they are protecting the addict/perpetrator from the consequences of their
own actions.
S/he never has to feel the real pain caused by his/her drinking.
They rush in to put "pillows" under him/her so s/he doesn't hurt her/himself in the fall.
Consequently, the addict/perpetrator never finds out how it feels to fall.
Although the dysfunctional behaviour/addiction has placed them in a helpless and dependent position,
the addict/perpetrator can continue to believe s/he is still independent because s/he has been
rescued from his/her troubles by her/his well-meaning family, friends, co-workers, employers and
sometimes clergymen and counselors.
The roles these enablers play to "help" the addict/perpetrator can be just as obsessive and harmful
as the alcoholic's drinking.
With these enabling devices in place,
the addict/perpetrator is free to continue in the progression of his/her dysfunction, with her/his
denial intact, until s/he perhaps reaches the point of hitting bottom, at which point even the most
dedicated addict/dysfunctional perpetrator must finally admit there is a problem.
But there is no way for them to ever hit bottom when it's always covered with pillows.
Oh yes, Enabling is also known as "Rescuing"
Enabling is hindering someone from admitting and changing a self-harmful condition like an addiction,
self-neglect, or a disabled true Self, by not confronting them respectfully.
The line between short-term compassion and long-term enabling can be hard to see.
Has anyone ever impeded your growth by withholding some important feedback about you?
_________________________________________________________________
is willing to admit.
As the addiction/dysfunctional behaviour progresses it begins to cause real problems in their life,
the denial likewise increases.
Even though their actions and sprees have gotten them into some real trouble, they deny it has
anything to do with their dysfunction/addiction.
It has become like a defence mechanism, which is made possible by others.
Enter “enabling”:
by the time the disease has gotten to the crisis point, they have developed a support system of
family and friends
Because they love the addict/dysfunctional person (in the case of alcoholism, the affable, clever and
witty alcoholic),
they act to protect them by covering for them,
doing the work that they don't get done,
paying the bills that they don't pay,
rescuing them from their scrapes with the law and other incidents,
and generally taking up the responsibilities they have abandoned.
The others cover for them by making excuses:
For example, in alcoholism,
“S/he can't come in to work today, s/he's got a, er, virus . . .
We've got to get him/her out of jail, s/he'll lose his job! Then what will we do . . .
It was my fault, officer, I said some things I should not have said . . .”
By doing these things, they are protecting the addict/perpetrator from the consequences of their
own actions.
S/he never has to feel the real pain caused by his/her drinking.
They rush in to put "pillows" under him/her so s/he doesn't hurt her/himself in the fall.
Consequently, the addict/perpetrator never finds out how it feels to fall.
Although the dysfunctional behaviour/addiction has placed them in a helpless and dependent position,
the addict/perpetrator can continue to believe s/he is still independent because s/he has been
rescued from his/her troubles by her/his well-meaning family, friends, co-workers, employers and
sometimes clergymen and counselors.
The roles these enablers play to "help" the addict/perpetrator can be just as obsessive and harmful
as the alcoholic's drinking.
With these enabling devices in place,
the addict/perpetrator is free to continue in the progression of his/her dysfunction, with her/his
denial intact, until s/he perhaps reaches the point of hitting bottom, at which point even the most
dedicated addict/dysfunctional perpetrator must finally admit there is a problem.
But there is no way for them to ever hit bottom when it's always covered with pillows.
Oh yes, Enabling is also known as "Rescuing"
Enabling is hindering someone from admitting and changing a self-harmful condition like an addiction,
self-neglect, or a disabled true Self, by not confronting them respectfully.
The line between short-term compassion and long-term enabling can be hard to see.
Has anyone ever impeded your growth by withholding some important feedback about you?
_________________________________________________________________
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NOTE: For Recovering/Healing from a dysfunctional family, coping with or overcoming a dysfunctional
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Related topics: Abuse & Violence, Children-Roles, Codependency & Male-Female Equality, Lifeskills or Building Trust
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