Adult Children: What you are about to read is a description, not an indictment of you – it describes
behaviour patterns that were learned as results of a particular life history – and which can be changed.

  • The very meaning of "dysfunctional" is: "It doesn't work"! A dysfunctional family, is a family (or
    relationship) that doesn't work, or doesn't work well.

  • In a dysfunctional, sick (including alcoholic) family, the important life needs of members are not
    met: physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, etc. There is no "safety", and certainly no happiness.

  • It is a family, relationship, system or culture where one or both of the primary caretakers (parents
    etc) were unable to fulfill their family responsibilities; or one in which physical, emotional, or sexual
    abuse was experienced: a culture of dysfunction. There are many forms of violence and abuse.

  • Dysfunctional features inconsistent and unpredictable parenting, or has uncaring, neglectful, or
    critical parent-child interactions.

  • There are many "causes" for dysfunction (addiction, violence/abuse etc), but the results all follow
    one identical  pattern that is easily recognizable: what applies to one, applies to all: the
    Recovery/Healing, escape or overcoming is the same: it's like an "Awakening".
When Life Hurts

When the hurts received from others
reaches a point where people actually
react to them, an amazingly curious thing
happens: they reveal what/who is most
loved, prized or precious to them:

it will be the thing/person they turn
against and take it out on.

As a child it might manifest as tearing
legs, arms and head off most fav doll, or
trashing a prize airplane model, or
maiming or hurting a beloved pet; in
adulthood it might be destroying a loved
tool or appliance, attack & hurt the loved
one, or push the loved one away harder and
harder, or run as far away as possible.

They attack, destroy, damage, maim, hurt
or leave exactly those things or people
most precious & loved to them.

Only later, when all the demolition and
carnage is done, do they take stock and
fully come to realize, not just what
they've done, but what they've lost.

And this has been known for ages -
there's a song about it that people have
known for years: "You always hurt the one
you love".

And the pain will grow, and the hurt will
grow, and the guilt will grow, and the
self-hatred, self-loathing and self-disgust
will grow.

And rage will build. This is the point at
which healing/recovery can begin -
because that is when people are ready - or
can be.

Recover-Heal through
Counselling/Coaching
  • Trait: Children who grow up in dysfunctional, alcoholic and  unfulfilling homes and families often become "parentified".

  • They are robbed of their childhood. Their childhood is taken away from them - never to be regained - with devastating
    consequences: unless they become survivors: they take on character "roles".

  • This is different from the role mentioned above. The most devastating of those is the Lost Child syndrome - for there is real
    emotional-mental damage there (and a primary focus of our Counseling-recovery healing services (see "Children - Roles" for
    more detail).

  • Characteristics: In a dysfunctional, alcoholic or sick family, there is usually at least one person who exercises ownership
    of/over everyone else in that family system-unit. They treat all others in it as if they own them! Thus, feeling that they quite
    rightly can treat them anyway they want.

  • Dysfunction in families/relationships knows no boundaries: it is found among rich and poor; among all cultures, races and
    religions & political systems.
Healing Inner Child
Dysfunctional family and relationship dynamics can be due to:
  • poor role modelling in early childhood (poor parenting)
  • parents' poor (or non-existent) parenting skills = the
    Number 1 reason!
  • mental illness
  • chronic physical illness
  • substance abuse (drugs/alcohol etc)
  • violence & abuse
  • poverty, divorce, death
  • poor foster care - and many others.

  • BUT - it can also be a child with severe behavioural
    problems - who becomes the centre of all the others'
    attention - and around whom all the others modify their
    behaviour.

  • Above all - the dysfunctional family (relationship) is a
    cultural thing: it is the product of an emotionally dishonest,
    shame based, patriarchal society

  • – and based upon beliefs that do not support the concept of
    "Love thyself", "Love your neighbor", or "Do Unto Others
    as you would have them do unto you"
Denial & Enabling: DENIAL is the refusal to accept or believe something; disowning or disavowing; repudiating: a  defense mechanism where people
ignore or refuse to believe an unpleasant reality. Defense mechanisms protect one's psychological wellbeing in traumatic situations, or in any situation
that produces anxiety or conflict.

Denial can, and does, apply to internal thoughts and feelings also - feelings which have been suppressed because of the dysfunction. Denying
perpetuates the situation, and leads to "enabling": stunting development of their Human Potential: there are "Rules For Being Human".

  • ENABLING means to make able; to empower;  to enable. It is any action by people that intentionally or unintentionally has the effect of
    facilitating the continuation of an individual’s dysfunctional behaviour; making it easier for them to continue in that behavior or activity.

  • It takes many forms. But they all have the same effect - allowing the dysfunctional (alcoholic) person to avoid the consequences of their
    actions.

  • Enabling is doing for someone things that they could, and should be doing themselves. Quite simply, enabling creates a atmosphere in which
    the dysfunctional (alcoholic) person can comfortably continue his/her unacceptable behavior. The combination of "denial" and "enabling" is
    also often called "rescuing" - meaning once again the dysfunctional person, or perpetrator, is able to continue about their behaviour without
    being challenged on it - because the others "rescue" him or her - by finding excuses, or pretending not to see it.

Denial is the mechanism that "keeps it going".

  • Closely related to denial and enabling is: avoidance - always looking for solutions that aren't there, because they frantically avoid dealing with
    the real issues and problems. Hence, the situation continues.

  • Mostly, this is due to the fact that our human tendency is to judge/compare new experiences, ideas, practices, customs, situations and people
    in our lives by comparing them, or measuring them against what we know. The "weirdness" actually consists in the fact that it is the "sick"
    situation we are using as the "standard of comparison", as if, somehow, it was "right" and the other is "wrong" - avoiding making that
    judgement about the original sick, dysfunctional family.

  • To people raised in a dysfunctional family, or trapped in a dysfunctional relationship, the opposite (healthy, functional and adaptive) looks
    weird, strange, "sick", intimidating and scary. Mostly, this is due to the fact that our human tendency is to "judge" new experiences, people
    and situations in our lives by comparing them, or measuring them against what we know.

  • The "weirdness" actually consists in the fact that it is the "sick" situation we are using as the "standard", as if, somehow, it was "right" and the
    other is "wrong".

  • In a way, most of us are children from dysfunctional families, because in any family, everyone's needs are seldom fully met completely (in a
    good system, there is always "compromise", and compromise means adjusting, giving and receiving - "meeting in the middle").

  • Even in the best of situations, someone (or all) are at times left feeling resentful, left-out or unheeded. Each of us is a product of our past: from
    childhood on, along with all the subsequent things we experienced, including the recent past. The dysfunctional family is maladaptive and
    deviant: sick. It is an extreme on the scale of possible realities.

  • An "adult child" is a person who chronologically is an adult, but emotionally and spiritually never grew up, and is this still a child inside.

  • Culture plays a tremendously large role in Dysfunction.
The dynamics, traits, characteristics of a sick, deviant, maladaptive, or dysfunctional family/relationship can include:

  • negative, blaming and poor communication.
  • withholding of empathy and blunting of feelings.
  • parental abdication of responsibilities.

  • role reversals between parents and children which lead to children being forced to take on excessive responsibilities.
  • hostile interactions.
  • a depleted sense of family goals.
  • involvement in repeated family crises.

  • the absence of positive reciprocal relationships (lack of mutual, "2-way street)".
  • unpredictability which leads to a general state of tension.

  • inconsistent, or changing “rules”.
  • inconsistent “enforcement” of the “rules”.

  • children afraid to bring friends home because they are afraid the alcoholic, dysfunctional or abusing parent will embarrass them.
  • in the home, children may withdraw into their rooms.

  • marital conflict, tension & sometimes physical violence.
  • home can be chaotic & unpredictable, never know what mood the drinker/abuser or major dysfunctional person will be in.

  • denial of family problems (codependent)
  • Harm or threaten to harm children, family, pets, or objects of personal value
  • Use physical force or threats to prevent others from leaving
  • Children growing up in a dysfunctional family often display behaviour problems
    because of the effect.
Results of growing up in a Dysfunctional, Maladaptive, Sick Family:

Projection for quality of life (what kind of future)?

A life of hopelessness, with no meaning, no expectations (or low expectations); not knowing who they are, or even what they want from life. They have
no particular goals, no dreams, no hopes, they more or less passively accept what life brings them. Their lives are chaotic, mysterious -  leaving them
alienated and wandering aimlessly; UNLESS intervention and help takes place

  • Later in life, the "survivors" will tend to over-compensate with their children what they missed, or were denied, and create a new unbalanced,
    dysfunctional situation - one common result is becoming a codependent parent.

  • They will be unable (or find it difficult) to set life "goals" or even be aware of what they really want from life.

  • Adult children from dysfunctional (particularly alcoholic) families tend to "sabotage" future relationships - especially "good" ones because of
    "fear": fear of the unknown. As well, because they tend to feel unworthy and undeserving of happiness and wholesome personal lives.

  • Projecting: because everything they know about people comes from that sick environment - they will interpret all other people, and people's
    behaviour through the mental "filter" they have formed - and misunderstand and misrepresent those - and will see them the same as that of
    what they knew.  After all, experience is the only thing they have -  and thus tend to see all others in the same light as those people
    (parents/partners, etc, as all being alike - thus "projecting" one individual's traits, behaviours etc onto all others of the same gender - role etc -
    and reacting to it as if it were the same: with devastating consequences for their future relationships.
  • they will participate in intergenerational patterns of unresolved grief, loss, violence, and major emotional problems: a cycle.
  • they cannot distinguish between partner expressing authentic feeling from "mind games"

  • fear of, or inability for, emotional intimacy (also see Glossary) - the inability to be intimate in "new" relationships/situations leads to
    continuation of the dysfunction.
  • they become emotional "takers" rather than emotional "givers"

  • Children who grow up in a dysfunctional home end up being emotionally stunted (thus halting development of their potential.

  • They constantly keep themselves "busy" - they cannot stand silence or inactivity.

  • They seek out other people and activities (ritual housecleaning, working on car, etc) as a way to "fill time".

  • This is because they are constantly, and continually "running away from themselves".
  • Silence provides opportunity for unwanted thoughts and feelings to surface, so all sorts of steps are taken to prevent that through keeping
    busy.

  • Children from sick families often mistake kindness for weakness, whether as a child, or later in life as an adult child.


  • Children (adult or young) will have impaired problem-solving and conflict resolution skills.

  • People from dysfunctional families/relationships tend to attract, and seek out, others from dysfunctional backgrounds - and thus continuing the
    pattern/cycle.
A family's purpose (remembering the cultural/community component)  can be seen as: the living, sharing, nourishing and development of life in healthy
circumstances - it is easy to see the differences in comparison.

In sick families/relationships, when this purpose is no longer fulfilled - such as when making a living or caring for children becomes immersed in
addictions, lies, violence, or personal manipulation, yet still continues, that system has become dysfunctional - with strong codependency traits.

  • If, for example, Dad's drinking or abusing Mom allows him to continue working at his meaningless job, that the family depends on, then this
    behavior becomes accepted as part of the family system.
  • Because the child is born into it, the family's method of functioning is seen as "normal", rather than sick, maladaptive or deviant - it becomes
    simply "the way things are" for that child. It is part of their socialization process.
  • This form of dysfunction is shrouded in non-communication, alienation, fear, denial and anger which, while shared by all, is not permissible to
    express.
  • These feelings get channeled into standardized behavior patterns designed to keep the unhealthy system functioning as smoothly as it can
    under the circumstances.

  • The patterns become second nature, part of the basic survival mechanisms which people carry through into all their subsequent situations.  

The "good news" is, that these can be overcome, reversed, and healed from (see "The Awakening").

Klaas Tuinman M.A
Dawn Cove Abbey
Deerfield (Yarmouth County) Nova Scotia - 2008
NOTE: For Recovering/Healing from a dysfunctional family, coping with or overcoming a dysfunctional (alcoholic) family/relationship,
help is available here - Online, distance help/counselling works! See "Contact Info". I specialize in helping those with the Lost Child syndrome.

Related topics: Abuse & Violence, Children-Roles, Codependency  & Male-Female Equality, Lifeskills  or  Building Trust
The following documents are on-site in RTF format - click to open.
Trust: it start with you,   How To build Trust,  About Assertiveness.
Violence & Children's Development.
CLICK
Growing up in a dysfunctional family.
CLICK
Questionnaire: Are you a survivor or member of a
Dysfunctional Family? CLICK!
For Transition House (shelter) services (Juniper House) in Yarmouth (NS) click HERE
They can provide information on other Transition (shelter) places - and also provide information to males.
If you have a question about this topic - don't hesitate to write: there is no charge, and
you will receive an answer - without any unwanted follow-up.   

Help is available here through Life Coaching, either in-person, or through Distance
Counselling.  Distance Counselling / Coaching Works (see Contact-Info).

Write or call without obligation and start your healing and recovery today.

Write, email, or call (with no obligation) to:
outreach@dawncoveabbey.org.

Workshops-Retreats / Seminars also available.
Victim Cycle of Abuse & Violence
  • . We live in a Culture of Dysfunction (a Dysfunctional Culture), therefore, it isn't just about "Dysfunctional families": it goes far beyond that:
    to our very role models, our prototypes.
  • These are dysfunctional – and that’s cultural (learned). Our "traditional" cultural concepts of what a man is, of what a woman is, and what a
    child is, are distorted and twisted stereotypes of what masculine, feminine and childhood really are.
  • Thus the Victim Cycle of Violence/Abuse is started and perpetuated (see graphic above).

Concepts such as "dysfunctional", "maladaptive, "sick", "deviant", "codependent" and "functional" are "culturally-based" terms.

Knowing what they mean is the first step to understanding. Knowing what to do about them, and how is another thing: help is available here.

Dysfunctional, Sick, Unhealthy, Maladaptive (Alcoholic) Family/Families & Relationships

Walk with Me
Through darkened rooms we'll climb
Past covered dust-filled sculptures in the night
With hand in Mine we'll fight the shadows left behind
Till all that's hid within is brought to light
Fear not that which is lurking in the dark
Nor tremble at the sights which you have seen
For if in Me you trust with all your heart
Then all the times of sorrow I'll redeem
In unhealthy, sick, dysfunctional, maladaptive relationships and families), people:
  • Try to control or manipulate the others ("use")
  • Make the others feel bad about themselves
  • Ridicule or call names
  • Dictate how others dress
  • Do not make time for each other
  • Criticize others' friends
  • Are afraid of the other's temper
  • Discourage all from being close with anyone else
  • Ignore each other when one is speaking
  • Are overly possessive or get jealous about ordinary behavior
  • Criticize or support others in criticizing people with your gender, race, ethnicity, sexual
    orientation, religion, disability, or other personal attribute
  • Control others' money or other resources
Also see:
Montreal Massacre
Take a Stand against a "social sickness" -
Child Pornography.

Light a Candle to stop Child Pornography,
just click below on the word "stop", and it
will take you directly to the website
prepared for it.

STOP
Profile & Inventory of Sick, Maladaptive, Alcoholic Dysfunctional Families & Relationships:

  • A dysfunctional, sick, unfulfilling family or relationship is a secretive system with a lot of
    scapegoating, denial and enabling.

  • Rules/motto of the Dysfunctional Family (taboo): Don't Trust, Don't Feel, Don't Touch, Don't
    Talk (learning early to keep the family's secrets).

  • Children (kids) learn from their parents! The things children see, hear, watch, observe and
    experience their parents doing - are the things that "tell" the children "how life is"; what's okay;
    what's acceptable, etc.

  • After all, that's where