Appropriate & Inappropriate Guilt: Understanding and Dealing with Guilt - appropriately & constructively
Guilt is connected to taking ownership of our actions. To take Personal Ownership is being fully accountable for results that matter to you, and
for which you are responsible: you take full responsibility for your actions and accept accountability for the results you produce. It is about
controlling events rather than being controlled by events. Learning how to take Personal Ownership requires a transformation in thinking; it
involves responsibility, choices and consequences, assertiveness and self-worth (self esteem) etc.
Wholeness is a necessary part of being fully human, and by nurturing the inner child with love and listening, as a parent would do, balance of
mind, body and spirit can be created – through taking ownership and control.
Introduction:
In a blaming, shaming culture such as the one we live in, there are two forms of guilt: appropriate and inappropriate guilt. People continually
confuse the two, with the result that they often take on guilt and blame for things that are not theirs in the first place.
Appropriate Guilt: this is where we accept the consequence of our actions and words and deeds, by taking responsibility for them and accepting
ownership: we own it, we are responsible for it - it was our choice: appropriate guilt is natural, good and normal, because it shows a healthy
sense of responsibility and taking ownership (or “blame”).
Inappropriate Guilt: this is where we are left feeling, or are made to feel, by others that we are responsible for something we actually did not do
or say. It means others are trying to shift their blame onto you, and avoiding responsibility and ownership of their actions.
We don’t own inappropriate guilt, nor are we responsible for it. Whatever was said or done was their choice. It is a form of guilt that is not
normal, good or natural: it is extremely common. It leaves you with paralyzing indecision!
Because of that, and because that is so common there are many people who feel guilty most of the time. They spend much of their time doing
things they don't really want to do, just to avoid feeling guilty: except it never quite works for them. This is because it wasn’t theirs to “fix” in
the first place (see Fixer Role).
Guilt is connected to taking ownership of our actions. To take Personal Ownership is being fully accountable for results that matter to you, and
for which you are responsible: you take full responsibility for your actions and accept accountability for the results you produce. It is about
controlling events rather than being controlled by events. Learning how to take Personal Ownership requires a transformation in thinking; it
involves responsibility, choices and consequences, assertiveness and self-worth (self esteem) etc.
Wholeness is a necessary part of being fully human, and by nurturing the inner child with love and listening, as a parent would do, balance of
mind, body and spirit can be created – through taking ownership and control.
Introduction:
In a blaming, shaming culture such as the one we live in, there are two forms of guilt: appropriate and inappropriate guilt. People continually
confuse the two, with the result that they often take on guilt and blame for things that are not theirs in the first place.
Appropriate Guilt: this is where we accept the consequence of our actions and words and deeds, by taking responsibility for them and accepting
ownership: we own it, we are responsible for it - it was our choice: appropriate guilt is natural, good and normal, because it shows a healthy
sense of responsibility and taking ownership (or “blame”).
Inappropriate Guilt: this is where we are left feeling, or are made to feel, by others that we are responsible for something we actually did not do
or say. It means others are trying to shift their blame onto you, and avoiding responsibility and ownership of their actions.
We don’t own inappropriate guilt, nor are we responsible for it. Whatever was said or done was their choice. It is a form of guilt that is not
normal, good or natural: it is extremely common. It leaves you with paralyzing indecision!
Because of that, and because that is so common there are many people who feel guilty most of the time. They spend much of their time doing
things they don't really want to do, just to avoid feeling guilty: except it never quite works for them. This is because it wasn’t theirs to “fix” in
the first place (see Fixer Role).
There are different reasons why we feel guilty.
- We feel guilty (appropriately) when we have done something that violates one of our own ethical or moral values. As a result, we hold
ourselves responsible for something we did or said: accepting ownership and responsibility for our actions (that is "appropriate" guilt).
It shows responsibility and ownership. - From childhood on we learned beliefs about what is right and what is wrong and integrated those beliefs into who we are: we accepted
them without actually thinking about them. Our families—parents, grandparents, and siblings—along with school, friends, and other
life experiences, all contributed to this process. Because of that complex history, we may not be aware exactly how we come to believe
a particular act is right or wrong: it’s unconscious – and can be very harmful to us. We are not responsible for other people's
choices! - Yet, some of our sense of guilt comes from being made to feel as if it is we who are solely responsible for the actions and choices of
other people (that's inappropriate guilt). - We need to remember that their choices aren’t ours to make.
- It isn’t our responsibility to “fix” the consequences of someone else’s choices.
- We are not responsible for the choices they make – so to avoid guilt, don’t accept that responsibility or ownership
- When we find excuses for their choices, and try to “fix” the consequences for them, we are engaging in a denial-enabling situation: at
worst, we become codependent. - We all have to learn to accept that we have to live with choices others make – whether we like those choices, approve of them or
whatever.
Understanding and Dealing with Guilt – appropriately - understanding guilt and blame:
Understanding The Source of Guilt
To understand any strong, troublesome emotion of guilt, you need to see clearly three parts of your experience:
Inappropriate Guilt Generating Thoughts:
Here are the common, fairly obvious inappropriate/irrational ideas that create unwanted emotions:
These can, and will, ruin your mental, emotional and spiritual inner being – they will destroy happiness in life for you. You are NOT
responsible for everything that happens.
Healthy Reaction Thoughts – appropriate (see Workshops for exercises to learn the steps):
Employ rational ideas to accept reasonable bad feelings, and to reduce the sources of inappropriate guilt generators.
Dealing with a feeling of guilt responsibly and constructively – Workshop Topics
When you feel guilty (responsible), you can clarify the situation for yourself, and make it more manageable using the following exercise which
consists of posing and answering four questions:
Continue to reject ownership of things you did not do or say.
There are a number of Steps and Pointers in dealing with Guilt – all covered in the Guilt Workshop
- understanding guilt - guilty feelings, and "feeling guilty".
- Exercises to determine how you might go about dealing with guilt (Workshops only).
- Pointers and steps to take to dealing with your guilt (if appropriate). Workshops/Counselling.
Understanding The Source of Guilt
To understand any strong, troublesome emotion of guilt, you need to see clearly three parts of your experience:
- The actual upsetting physical-social situation and event, what you did, and what others did, and the outcomes or results.
- The thoughts, wishful images, and self-talk you had before, during, and after the event, but especially just before feeling bad. This
includes what you had originally hoped would happen and how you now wish it had worked out. - Your emotional reactions about or to the event and the outcomes.
Inappropriate Guilt Generating Thoughts:
Here are the common, fairly obvious inappropriate/irrational ideas that create unwanted emotions:
- Everyone should love and approve of me (if they don't, I feel awful and unlovable).
- I should always be competent, able, successful, and "on top of things" (if I'm not, I'm an inadequate, incompetent, hopeless failure).
- People who are evil and bad should be punished severely (and I have the right to get very upset if they aren't stopped and made to
"pay the price"). - When things do not go the way I wanted and planned, it is terrible and I am, of course, going to get very disturbed. I can't stand it!
- External events, such as other people, a screwed-up society, or bad luck, cause most of my unhappiness. Furthermore, I don't have
any control over these external factors, so I can't do anything about my depression or other misery. - When the situation is scary or going badly, I should and can't keep from worrying all the time.
- It is easier for me to overlook, or avoid thinking about, tense situations than to face the problems and take the responsibility for
correcting the situation. - I need someone--often a specific person--to be with and lean on (I can't do everything by myself).
- Things have been this way so long, I can't do anything about these problems now.
- When my close friends and relatives have serious problems it is only right and natural that I get very upset too.
- I don't like the way I'm feeling but I can't help it. I just have to accept it and go with my feelings.
- I know there is an answer to every problem. I should find it (if I don't, it will be awful).
These can, and will, ruin your mental, emotional and spiritual inner being – they will destroy happiness in life for you. You are NOT
responsible for everything that happens.
Healthy Reaction Thoughts – appropriate (see Workshops for exercises to learn the steps):
Employ rational ideas to accept reasonable bad feelings, and to reduce the sources of inappropriate guilt generators.
Dealing with a feeling of guilt responsibly and constructively – Workshop Topics
When you feel guilty (responsible), you can clarify the situation for yourself, and make it more manageable using the following exercise which
consists of posing and answering four questions:
- 1. What makes me feel guilty - responsible?
- 2. What value do I feel I have violated?
- 3. What am I asking myself to do to fulfill this value?
- 4. What is it I really need to do to fulfill this value?
Continue to reject ownership of things you did not do or say.
There are a number of Steps and Pointers in dealing with Guilt – all covered in the Guilt Workshop
If you have tried unsuccessfully on your own to deal with inappropriate guilt, and feel in need of more assistance, help is available here. Write
or call with no risk or obligation, and totally confidential)
Suggested reading for you here are also: Grief & Bereavement, Online Memorials, and Inspirational Pages
Read/see "The Awakening".
Help is available here through Coaching/Counselling, either in-person, or through Distance Counselling. Distance Counselling /
Coaching Works (see Contact-Info). Write or call without obligation and start your healing and recovery today. Email:
outreach@dawncoveabbey.org
Klaas Tuinman MA
Dawn Cove Abbey
Deerfield, (Yarmouth County) Nova Scotia, Canada, 2000-2008
or call with no risk or obligation, and totally confidential)
Suggested reading for you here are also: Grief & Bereavement, Online Memorials, and Inspirational Pages
Read/see "The Awakening".
Help is available here through Coaching/Counselling, either in-person, or through Distance Counselling. Distance Counselling /
Coaching Works (see Contact-Info). Write or call without obligation and start your healing and recovery today. Email:
outreach@dawncoveabbey.org
Klaas Tuinman MA
Dawn Cove Abbey
Deerfield, (Yarmouth County) Nova Scotia, Canada, 2000-2008
GUILT: the paralyzing emotion - accepting responsibility and ownership
Healing & Empowerment: Counselling - Life
Coaching, Seminars, Workshops & Retreats
Coaching, Seminars, Workshops & Retreats
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GUILT: Coping and Dealing with Appropriate and Inappropriate Guilt