Introduction:
In a blaming, shaming culture such as the one we live in, there are two
forms of guilt: appropriate and inappropriate guilt. People continually
confuse the two, with the result that they often take on guilt and
blame for things that are not theirs in the first place.
Appropriate Guilt: this is where we accept the consequence of our
actions and words and deeds, by taking responsibility for them and
accepting ownership: we own it, we are responsible for it - it was our
choice: appropriate guilt is natural, good and normal, because it shows a
healthy sense of responsibility and taking ownership (or “blame”).
Inappropriate Guilt: this is where we are left feeling, or are made to
feel, by others that we are responsible for something we actually did
not do or say. It means others are trying to shift their blame onto you,
and avoiding responsibility and ownership of their actions.
We don’t own inappropriate guilt, nor are we responsible for it.
Whatever was said or done was their choice. It is a form of guilt that is
not normal, good or natural: it is extremely common. It leaves you with
paralyzing indecision!
Because of that, and because that is so common there are many people
who feel guilty most of the time. They spend much of their time doing
things they don't really want to do, just to avoid feeling guilty: except
it never quite works for them. This is because it wasn’t theirs to “fix”
in the first place (see Fixer Role).
In a blaming, shaming culture such as the one we live in, there are two
forms of guilt: appropriate and inappropriate guilt. People continually
confuse the two, with the result that they often take on guilt and
blame for things that are not theirs in the first place.
Appropriate Guilt: this is where we accept the consequence of our
actions and words and deeds, by taking responsibility for them and
accepting ownership: we own it, we are responsible for it - it was our
choice: appropriate guilt is natural, good and normal, because it shows a
healthy sense of responsibility and taking ownership (or “blame”).
Inappropriate Guilt: this is where we are left feeling, or are made to
feel, by others that we are responsible for something we actually did
not do or say. It means others are trying to shift their blame onto you,
and avoiding responsibility and ownership of their actions.
We don’t own inappropriate guilt, nor are we responsible for it.
Whatever was said or done was their choice. It is a form of guilt that is
not normal, good or natural: it is extremely common. It leaves you with
paralyzing indecision!
Because of that, and because that is so common there are many people
who feel guilty most of the time. They spend much of their time doing
things they don't really want to do, just to avoid feeling guilty: except
it never quite works for them. This is because it wasn’t theirs to “fix”
in the first place (see Fixer Role).
There are different reasons why we feel guilty.
- We feel guilty (appropriately) when we have done something that
violates one of our own ethical or moral values. As a result, we
hold ourselves responsible for something we did or said: accepting
ownership and responsibility for our actions (that is "appropriate"
guilt). It shows responsibility and ownership.
- From childhood on we learned beliefs about what is right and what
is wrong and integrated those beliefs into who we are: we
accepted them without actually thinking about them. Our
families—parents, grandparents, and siblings—along with school,
friends, and other life experiences, all contributed to this
process. Because of that complex history, we may not be aware
exactly how we come to believe a particular act is right or wrong:
it’s unconscious – and can be very harmful to us. We are not
responsible for other people's choices!
Understanding and Dealing with Guilt – appropriately - understanding guilt and blame:
Understanding The Source of Guilt
To understand any strong, troublesome emotion of guilt, you need to see clearly three parts of your experience:
Inappropriate Guilt Generating Thoughts:
Here are the common, fairly obvious inappropriate/irrational ideas that create unwanted emotions:
These can, and will, ruin your mental, emotional and spiritual inner being – they will destroy happiness in life for you. You are
NOT responsible for everything that happens.
Healthy Reaction Thoughts – appropriate (see Workshops for exercises to learn the steps):
Employ rational ideas to accept reasonable bad feelings, and to reduce the sources of inappropriate guilt generators.
Dealing with a feeling of guilt responsibly and constructively – Workshop Topics
When you feel guilty (responsible), you can clarify the situation for yourself, and make it more manageable using the
following exercise which consists of posing and answering four questions:
Continue to reject ownership of things you did not do or say.
There are a number of Steps and Pointers in dealing with Guilt – all covered in the Guilt Workshop
- understanding guilt - guilty feelings, and "feeling guilty".
- Exercises to determine how you might go about dealing with guilt (Workshops only).
- Pointers and steps to take to dealing with your guilt (if appropriate). Workshops/Counselling.
Understanding The Source of Guilt
To understand any strong, troublesome emotion of guilt, you need to see clearly three parts of your experience:
- The actual upsetting physical-social situation and event, what you did, and what others did, and the outcomes or
results. - The thoughts, wishful images, and self-talk you had before, during, and after the event, but especially just before
feeling bad. This includes what you had originally hoped would happen and how you now wish it had worked out. - Your emotional reactions about or to the event and the outcomes.
Inappropriate Guilt Generating Thoughts:
Here are the common, fairly obvious inappropriate/irrational ideas that create unwanted emotions:
- Everyone should love and approve of me (if they don't, I feel awful and unlovable).
- I should always be competent, able, successful, and "on top of things" (if I'm not, I'm an inadequate, incompetent,
hopeless failure).
- People who are evil and bad should be punished severely (and I have the right to get very upset if they aren't stopped
and made to "pay the price"). - When things do not go the way I wanted and planned, it is terrible and I am, of course, going to get very disturbed. I
can't stand it!
- External events, such as other people, a screwed-up society, or bad luck, cause most of my unhappiness. Furthermore,
I don't have any control over these external factors, so I can't do anything about my depression or other misery. - When the situation is scary or going badly, I should and can't keep from worrying all the time.
- It is easier for me to overlook, or avoid thinking about, tense situations than to face the problems and take the
responsibility for correcting the situation.
- I need someone--often a specific person--to be with and lean on (I can't do everything by myself).
- Things have been this way so long, I can't do anything about these problems now.
- When my close friends and relatives have serious problems it is only right and natural that I get very upset too.
- I don't like the way I'm feeling but I can't help it. I just have to accept it and go with my feelings.
- I know there is an answer to every problem. I should find it (if I don't, it will be awful).
These can, and will, ruin your mental, emotional and spiritual inner being – they will destroy happiness in life for you. You are
NOT responsible for everything that happens.
Healthy Reaction Thoughts – appropriate (see Workshops for exercises to learn the steps):
Employ rational ideas to accept reasonable bad feelings, and to reduce the sources of inappropriate guilt generators.
Dealing with a feeling of guilt responsibly and constructively – Workshop Topics
When you feel guilty (responsible), you can clarify the situation for yourself, and make it more manageable using the
following exercise which consists of posing and answering four questions:
- 1. What makes me feel guilty - responsible?
- 2. What value do I feel I have violated?
- 3. What am I asking myself to do to fulfill this value?
- 4. What is it I really need to do to fulfill this value?
Continue to reject ownership of things you did not do or say.
There are a number of Steps and Pointers in dealing with Guilt – all covered in the Guilt Workshop
Suggested reading for you here are also: Grief & Bereavement, and Inspirational Pages
Klaas Tuinman MA
Dawn Cove Abbey
Deerfield, (Yarmouth County) Nova Scotia, Canada, Rev: 2009
Klaas Tuinman MA
Dawn Cove Abbey
Deerfield, (Yarmouth County) Nova Scotia, Canada, Rev: 2009
GUILT - the paralyzing emotion
| Healing & Empowerment: Counselling - Life Coaching, Seminars, Workshops & Retreats |
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- accepting responsibility and ownership
Guilt is connected to taking ownership of our actions.
To take Personal Ownership is being fully accountable for results that
matter to you, and for which you are responsible: you take full
responsibility for your actions and accept accountability for the results
you produce.
It is about controlling events rather than being controlled by events.
Learning how to take Personal Ownership requires a transformation in
thinking; it involves responsibility, choices and consequences,
assertiveness and self-worth (self esteem) etc.
Wholeness is a necessary part of being fully human, and by nurturing the
inner child with love and listening, as a parent would do, balance of mind,
body and spirit can be created – through taking ownership and control.
To take Personal Ownership is being fully accountable for results that
matter to you, and for which you are responsible: you take full
responsibility for your actions and accept accountability for the results
you produce.
It is about controlling events rather than being controlled by events.
Learning how to take Personal Ownership requires a transformation in
thinking; it involves responsibility, choices and consequences,
assertiveness and self-worth (self esteem) etc.
Wholeness is a necessary part of being fully human, and by nurturing the
inner child with love and listening, as a parent would do, balance of mind,
body and spirit can be created – through taking ownership and control.
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To round it all out, Dawn Cove Abbey provides personal guidance for growth, healing and empowerment
through personal life coaching/counselling, as well as the many information files that exist on this
website - the information is free and available to all.
I sincerely hope that you take the Less Travelled Road and that it brings awakening and healing to you.
through personal life coaching/counselling, as well as the many information files that exist on this
website - the information is free and available to all.
I sincerely hope that you take the Less Travelled Road and that it brings awakening and healing to you.
| Guilt was never a rational thing; it distorts all the faculties of the human mind, , it perverts them, it leaves a man no longer in the free use of his reason, it puts him into confusion. ~Edmund Burke |
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| Life Effects: Resources |
| Adult Child - Survivor Resource Section |
| Healthy-Functional Resource Section |
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| Suggested Additional Reading |
| Dawn Cove Abbey Information and Support Resources |
and choices of other people (that's inappropriate guilt).
- We need to remember that their choices aren’t ours to make.
- It isn’t our responsibility to “fix” the consequences of someone else’s choices.
- We are not responsible for the choices they make – so to avoid guilt, don’t accept that responsibility or ownership
- When we find excuses for their choices, and try to “fix” the consequences for them, we are engaging in a denial-
enabling situation: at worst, we become codependent. - We all have to learn to accept that we have to live with choices others make – whether we like those choices, approve
of them or whatever.
| People who really want to heal, will find a way; those who don't, will find an excuse. |