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Lost Child Role/Syndrome Survival - Coping - Traits - Profile
Adult Child Victim - Adaptive Behaviour
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| Coping & Survival Roles - Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families/Relationships - a negative strategy |
| The secret, which is not a secret is: your wounded Inner Child can be healed! |
| Reclaiming the Wounded, Inner Child Dear sweet little child inside of me, I only wish that you could see how sad I feel for not being there, when you needed help to conquer despair. The pain of heart that you went through, when innocence was snatched from you. Your feelings of betrayal - shame - I know your life was not the same. The trust and innocence you had are gone - and that's what makes me sad. 'Cause you should laugh, and romp, and play -- enjoying life in every way. When emotions are 'congealed' inside, you cannot, feelings e'er confide... with anger -frustration - you sail life's course, while your abuser ne'er feels remorse. Please don't hang your head in shame, because you really aren't to blame.. Release the guilt you feel inside, and hold your head up high with pride. I picture you, dear innocent child - with heart of gold, so tender, so mild... and hold you close in my embrace, as tears I wipe from your dear face. You see, I've come to RESCUE you from all the pain that you've been through. I'll ne'er let you be hurt again, because I am your long, lost friend!!!!! 1996 ~ Cynthia Becker |
| When Life Hurts When the hurts received from others reaches a point where people actually react to them, an amazingly curious thing happens: they reveal what/who is most loved, prized or precious to them: it will be the thing/person they turn against against and take it out on. As a child it might manifest as tearing legs, arms and head off most fav doll, or trashing a prize airplane model, or maiming or hurting a beloved pet; in adulthood it might be destroying a loved tool or appliance, attack & hurt the loved one, or push the loved one away harder and harder, or run as far away as possible. They attack, destroy, damage, maim, hurt or leave exactly those things or people most precious & loved to them. Only later, when all the demolition and carnage is done, do they take stock and fully come to realize, not just what they've done, but what they've lost. And this has been known for ages - there's a song about it that people have known for years: "You always hurt the one you love". And the pain will grow, and the hurt will grow, and the guilt will grow, and the self-hatred, self-loathing and self-disgust will grow. And rage will build. This is the point at which healing/recovery can begin - because that is when people are ready - or can be. Recover-Heal through Counselling - Online or in-person |
| It is no measure of health To be well-adjusted to a profoundly sick society ~Jiddu Krisnamurti |
| Victim No More. Victims don't get better: they get bitter. Become a survivor! |
| Can Adult Children recover and heal and lead creative, functional lives? Yes, they can - and they do! One young lady I know, who despite having some dark days, writes excellent poetry. You can find it on her blog site - click HERE Also see - Survivors Podium on this site, with brief stories from those who succeeded. Please consider sharing your story |
| What you have just read describes the more typical situation. In truly extreme cases, this syndrome may include symptoms that appear to be like all, or some, of the following: the Lost (Ghost, Doormat) Child role itself, Dissociative Disorder, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), Multiple Personality Disorder/Dissociative Identity Disorder, and Borderline Personality Disorder. |
NOTE: This page, like most pages on the site, describes and explains behaviours and circumstances.
They can bring understanding, and while understanding by itself does not necessarily bring recovery: it
can bring a sense of relief.
Understanding is only the first step - it is not the recovery process itself!
The information on this page describes an 'extreme' of behaviour. Very few people ever display all of
them. Some of the behaviours listed here are actually ‘normal’ responses to certain events and
situations. These reactions usually subside and lose their power to disrupt life or create and maintain
chaos. However, when a person is deeply wounded they linger and contribute to dysfunction.
The good news is that although it seems difficult, anyone can dig down deep past set behaviours and
change their core responses. If you are ready to make the change / transition to begin your healing
journey, we can help.
Please call, write or email without obligation (and strictly confidential).
They can bring understanding, and while understanding by itself does not necessarily bring recovery: it
can bring a sense of relief.
Understanding is only the first step - it is not the recovery process itself!
The information on this page describes an 'extreme' of behaviour. Very few people ever display all of
them. Some of the behaviours listed here are actually ‘normal’ responses to certain events and
situations. These reactions usually subside and lose their power to disrupt life or create and maintain
chaos. However, when a person is deeply wounded they linger and contribute to dysfunction.
The good news is that although it seems difficult, anyone can dig down deep past set behaviours and
change their core responses. If you are ready to make the change / transition to begin your healing
journey, we can help.
Please call, write or email without obligation (and strictly confidential).
You can’t do what you want, 'till you know what you’re doing;
and you can’t know what you’re doing, till you know who you are . . .
There are “positive” aspects to "roles" - see Children-Roles page.
Also see Inner Child - Child Within, and the Ten Commandments of Dysfunctional Families
Klaas Tuinman M.A.
Dawn Cove Abbey
Deerfield, Nova Scotia
Rev: 2010
and you can’t know what you’re doing, till you know who you are . . .
There are “positive” aspects to "roles" - see Children-Roles page.
Also see Inner Child - Child Within, and the Ten Commandments of Dysfunctional Families
Klaas Tuinman M.A.
Dawn Cove Abbey
Deerfield, Nova Scotia
Rev: 2010
| | | | |
IF YOU NEED HELP WITH YOUR LIFE SITUATION
If the description on this page describes you and
you wish to heal, let us help you find long-term
resolution for your problems - and assist you
in your emotional, mental and spiritual healing.
If it describes someone in your life, we can help
you understand it better and how to cope or deal
with it - and bring healing to you as well.
We can help you begin
your Inner Child's journey "home"
Nearly 30 years experience
helping Adult Wounded Children.
Email, call or write to begin the healing - Today!
If the description on this page describes you and
you wish to heal, let us help you find long-term
resolution for your problems - and assist you
in your emotional, mental and spiritual healing.
If it describes someone in your life, we can help
you understand it better and how to cope or deal
with it - and bring healing to you as well.
We can help you begin
your Inner Child's journey "home"
Nearly 30 years experience
helping Adult Wounded Children.
Email, call or write to begin the healing - Today!
| Follow-up and Support Counseling to Seminars & Workshops Dawn Cove Abbey Empowerment Outreach is a registered not-for-profit business in the province of Nova Scotia, Canada |
If you have questions, comments or suggestions, please email. I'll be happy to hear from you.
| The Dawn Cove Abbey Tradition: Helping People Rediscover Themselves Established in 1995, in commemoration of Abbey Dawn in Kingston, Ontario. |
The Lost Child as a concept is an inter-related aspect of two other concepts
featured on this site: Adult Children's Adaptive "Roles", and The Inner Child -
Child Within.
This adult child most often perpetuates the poor parenting skills she/he learned.
In fact, they are the most likely of all the victims of dysfunctional families,
parenting, abuse and violence to perpetuate the “the victim cycle of violence”
cycle because of their own inability to parent.
They are unable to provide nurturing (“mothering”), for example, unless they
take steps to learn how – through transformational healing and ultimate recovery.
They also often have a "secret death wish", and frequently rush from one
activity to another to avoid facing themselves.
The Lost Child is usually born into a family at a time when it is already highly
stressed due to the problems associated with “the family secret”, i.e.
alcoholism, drug dependency, mental illness, etc, and seems to sense that his/her
role is to “not make waves.”
The Lost Child is almost totally “disconnected” – from self, and from
others.
The Lost Child victim is often a younger (or the youngest) child
– but not necessarily so.
It seems to manifest more in girls than boys.
This however, is more likely a cultural thing, than gender-specific:
a situation where males manifest their traits in different ways.
Both genders are affected - but each shows and manifests it differently.
featured on this site: Adult Children's Adaptive "Roles", and The Inner Child -
Child Within.
This adult child most often perpetuates the poor parenting skills she/he learned.
In fact, they are the most likely of all the victims of dysfunctional families,
parenting, abuse and violence to perpetuate the “the victim cycle of violence”
cycle because of their own inability to parent.
They are unable to provide nurturing (“mothering”), for example, unless they
take steps to learn how – through transformational healing and ultimate recovery.
They also often have a "secret death wish", and frequently rush from one
activity to another to avoid facing themselves.
The Lost Child is usually born into a family at a time when it is already highly
stressed due to the problems associated with “the family secret”, i.e.
alcoholism, drug dependency, mental illness, etc, and seems to sense that his/her
role is to “not make waves.”
The Lost Child is almost totally “disconnected” – from self, and from
others.
The Lost Child victim is often a younger (or the youngest) child
– but not necessarily so.
It seems to manifest more in girls than boys.
This however, is more likely a cultural thing, than gender-specific:
a situation where males manifest their traits in different ways.
Both genders are affected - but each shows and manifests it differently.
At first glance, the Lost Child as a behavioural type, has learned to stay out of the way, and not
make his/her wants known, and to expect nothing.
This however, is a deceptive perception: they do have expectations - they simply do not
verbalize them or
their wants - directly. Indirectly, however, they do so very much - in behaviours that to those
who don't understand, seem immature and childish. But they do not 'know' any other way.
It is partly due to the fact that they are so disconnected from themselves that they don’t
even know what they want, or even what they can/should expect.
That state will affect (affects) all future relationships: friends, co-workers, colleagues,
partners, etc.
They adopt whatever behaviour will allow them to stay invisible within the family, at work, at
school or in a relationship.
This is the child who can assume whatever personality those around him/her find least
threatening.
Because The Lost Child is rarely in trouble (when young), the family can say,
"He/she’s a good kid.
Everything seems fine in her/his life, so things can’t be too bad in the family".
Their "acting out" will start later - see below).
On the outside they are quiet and creative.
They will seem to be independent, agreeable, artistic, musical, soft-hearted.
They will be invisible, soft-spoken, and often lost in a book,
and certainly avoid conflict of any kind.
make his/her wants known, and to expect nothing.
This however, is a deceptive perception: they do have expectations - they simply do not
verbalize them or
their wants - directly. Indirectly, however, they do so very much - in behaviours that to those
who don't understand, seem immature and childish. But they do not 'know' any other way.
It is partly due to the fact that they are so disconnected from themselves that they don’t
even know what they want, or even what they can/should expect.
That state will affect (affects) all future relationships: friends, co-workers, colleagues,
partners, etc.
They adopt whatever behaviour will allow them to stay invisible within the family, at work, at
school or in a relationship.
This is the child who can assume whatever personality those around him/her find least
threatening.
Because The Lost Child is rarely in trouble (when young), the family can say,
"He/she’s a good kid.
Everything seems fine in her/his life, so things can’t be too bad in the family".
Their "acting out" will start later - see below).
On the outside they are quiet and creative.
They will seem to be independent, agreeable, artistic, musical, soft-hearted.
They will be invisible, soft-spoken, and often lost in a book,
and certainly avoid conflict of any kind.
They are very withdrawn and shy and become socially isolated because that is
the only way they know to be safe from being hurt. The lost child is therefore
quiet, withdrawn and aloof and is usually known as "the quiet one" or "the
dreamer".
They stay out of the way of problems (as much as is possible) and spend a lot of
time alone.
The purpose of having a lost child in the family is similar to that of The Hero
(see Children–Roles) for this and the other "roles".
They strive to go unnoticed during family conflict so that anger is never directed
at them.
Later on, they will engage in severe acting-out behaviour and rebel against almost
everything.
While they seem self-sufficient and super independent, these lost and lonely
children grow up to be wounded, misunderstood, lost and lonely adults- consumed
by a barely suppressed rage - which will almost always be misdirected at the
most undeserving people in their lives,
rather than at those responsible for it.
As The Ghost Child, this child is the Hidden One, as we've seen; the child who
tries to make him/herself as inconspicuous as possible, is with-drawn, never asks
for anything for himself, is neither seen nor heard, and is often confused with
the Good Child, except he/she is not competitive.
They strive to be invisible and to avoid taking a stand or rocking the boat
(invisible - like a ghost).
As a result, they often come to feel that they are drifting through life and are
out of control.
In order to cope with the chaos of their families the Lost (Ghost and Doormat)
Child learns to adjust in inappropriate ways.
Most importantly, they learn never to expect or to plan anything
– which will affect all their future relationships detrimentally.
the only way they know to be safe from being hurt. The lost child is therefore
quiet, withdrawn and aloof and is usually known as "the quiet one" or "the
dreamer".
They stay out of the way of problems (as much as is possible) and spend a lot of
time alone.
The purpose of having a lost child in the family is similar to that of The Hero
(see Children–Roles) for this and the other "roles".
They strive to go unnoticed during family conflict so that anger is never directed
at them.
Later on, they will engage in severe acting-out behaviour and rebel against almost
everything.
While they seem self-sufficient and super independent, these lost and lonely
children grow up to be wounded, misunderstood, lost and lonely adults- consumed
by a barely suppressed rage - which will almost always be misdirected at the
most undeserving people in their lives,
rather than at those responsible for it.
As The Ghost Child, this child is the Hidden One, as we've seen; the child who
tries to make him/herself as inconspicuous as possible, is with-drawn, never asks
for anything for himself, is neither seen nor heard, and is often confused with
the Good Child, except he/she is not competitive.
They strive to be invisible and to avoid taking a stand or rocking the boat
(invisible - like a ghost).
As a result, they often come to feel that they are drifting through life and are
out of control.
In order to cope with the chaos of their families the Lost (Ghost and Doormat)
Child learns to adjust in inappropriate ways.
Most importantly, they learn never to expect or to plan anything
– which will affect all their future relationships detrimentally.
These children grow up to be adults who find themselves unable to feel
(they are that disconnected from themselves), and extremely low self-worth
(self-esteem).
They also become virtually about other people, and around other people.
They have lost touch with their feelings to such a degree that at moments of
various kinds of intimacy (such as sex) they may ask (or indicate) that they want
to be slapped, pinched, bitten – just to get some feeling - because all too often
the only "feeling" they can relate to is physical, not inner emotional ones.
They need the physical sensation (of pain) as a substitute for the emotional
feeling they have become totally disconnected from: pain is the only feeling they
can "relate" to - they also suffer from extreme paranoia.
They are sexually inhibited: unconnected to the feelings associated with their
sexuality to the point they mostly do not know what they like or don’t like: here
too, a major disconnection with self.
And yet, while being inhibited, they will at the same time often act very
promiscuously - they truly are studies in contrasts.
They do not know how to connect or bond with anyone - often even their own
children.
They are terrified of any kind of intimacy, especially emotional intimacy, and
often have relationship phobia - often drifting in and out of a series of
relationships; frequently entering into rebound ones.
In this tendency to have difficulty connecting with others, they continue to
prefer to be alone – they even have great difficulty forming meaningful
friendships.
The Lost Child may be perceived as anti-social by others. This type of person is
less likely to join groups, but if they do, they are quiet and unobtrusive, or they
may do their disappearing act after they have volunteered for something.
Because they try so hard to stay invisible, they are often overlooked by people
who might be able to help them.
The lost child escapes by attempting to be invisible. They daydream, fantasize,
read a lot of books or watch a lot of TV. Their way of dealing with reality is to
withdraw from it, because they are terrified of life.
They avoid feeling by denying that they have feelings, and don't seem to bother
getting visibly upset: although deep inside the inner rage grows.
(they are that disconnected from themselves), and extremely low self-worth
(self-esteem).
They also become virtually about other people, and around other people.
They have lost touch with their feelings to such a degree that at moments of
various kinds of intimacy (such as sex) they may ask (or indicate) that they want
to be slapped, pinched, bitten – just to get some feeling - because all too often
the only "feeling" they can relate to is physical, not inner emotional ones.
They need the physical sensation (of pain) as a substitute for the emotional
feeling they have become totally disconnected from: pain is the only feeling they
can "relate" to - they also suffer from extreme paranoia.
They are sexually inhibited: unconnected to the feelings associated with their
sexuality to the point they mostly do not know what they like or don’t like: here
too, a major disconnection with self.
And yet, while being inhibited, they will at the same time often act very
promiscuously - they truly are studies in contrasts.
They do not know how to connect or bond with anyone - often even their own
children.
They are terrified of any kind of intimacy, especially emotional intimacy, and
often have relationship phobia - often drifting in and out of a series of
relationships; frequently entering into rebound ones.
In this tendency to have difficulty connecting with others, they continue to
prefer to be alone – they even have great difficulty forming meaningful
friendships.
The Lost Child may be perceived as anti-social by others. This type of person is
less likely to join groups, but if they do, they are quiet and unobtrusive, or they
may do their disappearing act after they have volunteered for something.
Because they try so hard to stay invisible, they are often overlooked by people
who might be able to help them.
The lost child escapes by attempting to be invisible. They daydream, fantasize,
read a lot of books or watch a lot of TV. Their way of dealing with reality is to
withdraw from it, because they are terrified of life.
They avoid feeling by denying that they have feelings, and don't seem to bother
getting visibly upset: although deep inside the inner rage grows.
And when the rage breaks - they will for all intents and purposes be socio-
paths (psychopaths) - they will not care who they hurt - it will seem, or be,
deliberate (the very one whose rage is a result of wanting also see "Montreal
Massacre").
It is not a conscious refusal - the memory simply submerges into the
unconscious - thus no longer accessible. Other people simply don't understand
and tend to react very accusingly, doubtfully and mostly in anger: which only
makes it worse.
Lost Children tend to value things – teddy bears and/or dolls when they are
very young; books, TV, music or video games, houses, cars, furniture, and
clothes as they grow older – more than they value people (family, friends,
children, partners, etc).
They suffer from tremendous self-hatred and self-loathing.
paths (psychopaths) - they will not care who they hurt - it will seem, or be,
deliberate (the very one whose rage is a result of wanting also see "Montreal
Massacre").
It is not a conscious refusal - the memory simply submerges into the
unconscious - thus no longer accessible. Other people simply don't understand
and tend to react very accusingly, doubtfully and mostly in anger: which only
makes it worse.
Lost Children tend to value things – teddy bears and/or dolls when they are
very young; books, TV, music or video games, houses, cars, furniture, and
clothes as they grow older – more than they value people (family, friends,
children, partners, etc).
They suffer from tremendous self-hatred and self-loathing.
Denial, and enabling , are major behaviour factors in their lives: unfortunately, the denial/enabling
lead to further suppression of their feelings, and this in turn leads to more anger, and eventually
that anger turns to rage. confused, unnecessary, rejected, depressed or suicidal.
Lost children do not draw attention to themselves because they do not want to burden left out,
lonely, angry, fragile, sad, isolated, powerless, scared, confused, unnecessary, rejected, depressed
or suicidal.
In fact, they feel so unwanted, alone and rejected, that later in life they will often trade sex just
to feel wanted for a moment, for example.
The most extreme form of the Lost Child is The Doormat Child: This is the abused child who
survives by lying down and letting others walk all over him/her, rather than risk an unpleasant or
dangerous confrontation. These people may adopt some of the "Fixer" characteristics (see
Children-Roles).
Closely related to this is the "Lost Hope Child" - see below.
lead to further suppression of their feelings, and this in turn leads to more anger, and eventually
that anger turns to rage. confused, unnecessary, rejected, depressed or suicidal.
Lost children do not draw attention to themselves because they do not want to burden left out,
lonely, angry, fragile, sad, isolated, powerless, scared, confused, unnecessary, rejected, depressed
or suicidal.
In fact, they feel so unwanted, alone and rejected, that later in life they will often trade sex just
to feel wanted for a moment, for example.
The most extreme form of the Lost Child is The Doormat Child: This is the abused child who
survives by lying down and letting others walk all over him/her, rather than risk an unpleasant or
dangerous confrontation. These people may adopt some of the "Fixer" characteristics (see
Children-Roles).
Closely related to this is the "Lost Hope Child" - see below.
This child truly understands the need someone else may have (or had) to injure him/her, but cannot
identify his/her feelings about the abuse in the past or present.
This one frequently suffered sexual abuse, and/or rape - either at home, or elsewhere.
Their "emotional age" tends to be arrested ("frozen in time") at their chronological age of when the
trauma, abuse/violence occurred - this is also known as "interrupted childhood" (creating a major
emotional block until resolved).
This "child" is also likely to be codependent with: a parent, a child, a friend, or a partner. They are
unable to establish a balance between independence and codependency. Interdependence (mutual
sharing) is not understood, and compromise is not an easy option for them.
EXAMPLE: The Lost Child's disconnection commonly leads to a total inability to see the relationship
or connection between their actions - and the consequences.
The disconnection is also known as dissociation - see Glossary-dictionary and the Dissociation page.
identify his/her feelings about the abuse in the past or present.
This one frequently suffered sexual abuse, and/or rape - either at home, or elsewhere.
Their "emotional age" tends to be arrested ("frozen in time") at their chronological age of when the
trauma, abuse/violence occurred - this is also known as "interrupted childhood" (creating a major
emotional block until resolved).
This "child" is also likely to be codependent with: a parent, a child, a friend, or a partner. They are
unable to establish a balance between independence and codependency. Interdependence (mutual
sharing) is not understood, and compromise is not an easy option for them.
EXAMPLE: The Lost Child's disconnection commonly leads to a total inability to see the relationship
or connection between their actions - and the consequences.
The disconnection is also known as dissociation - see Glossary-dictionary and the Dissociation page.
Their lives are a continual state of denial.
In fact, they have frequent "amnesia"
episodes, where there is a total memory
loss of many past, or recent experiences
- and/or of their own actions, words and
behaviours.
They tend to live by their emotions by
acting-out, even in adulthood
They have no interest in finding out
rational causes or reasons for anything.
The result is two-fold:
First, the rage builds (see above) - and,
Secondly, they tend to be the very ones
who will perpetuate the Victim Cycle Of
Violence because of their own poor
parenting skills (see graphic at right > > )
In fact, they have frequent "amnesia"
episodes, where there is a total memory
loss of many past, or recent experiences
- and/or of their own actions, words and
behaviours.
They tend to live by their emotions by
acting-out, even in adulthood
They have no interest in finding out
rational causes or reasons for anything.
The result is two-fold:
First, the rage builds (see above) - and,
Secondly, they tend to be the very ones
who will perpetuate the Victim Cycle Of
Violence because of their own poor
parenting skills (see graphic at right > > )
The LAST HOPE Child:
This child is very similar to the Lost Child (they share characteristics), the Last Hope child is the
caretaker for the family when all other members have become unable to continue their roles. Often
the Last Child is raised on comments like "You'll never hurt me like so-and-so."
These children may work themselves to death trying to do "what's right" for blood relations or
adopted families, no matter what the expense to their own life.
This child is very similar to the Lost Child (they share characteristics), the Last Hope child is the
caretaker for the family when all other members have become unable to continue their roles. Often
the Last Child is raised on comments like "You'll never hurt me like so-and-so."
These children may work themselves to death trying to do "what's right" for blood relations or
adopted families, no matter what the expense to their own life.
The descriptions above simply illustrate an "automatic, reflex" coping strategy adopted, and then
developed into more permanent behaviours by children growing up in negative environments.
Being a "lost child" is not a disease, nor a sign of mental illness.
It IS a behaviour pattern resulting from having to cope in extreme and traumatic circumstances.
It has become a behaviour style that has outlived its usefulness
and now has become a barrier to living a productive, and satisfying life.
The behaviours and the behaviour pattern can be changed (to recover, heal and bring closure) - in reality
it is no more difficult to change it to begin living positively, than it is to hang onto them and live negatively.
Each person's behavioural type has its special needs for healing, the "lost child" included, and like the
others, you can recover if you are willing to take the risk in believing you can change and heal. Because
the personalities of the family are mangled, you character traits can be equally blurred.
If this description seems to describe you, or someone you know - and it is affecting your life (or theirs)
negatively, and you want to change it - we can help. The effects can be overcome and turned around
Now available wherever you are through Distance-Counseling.
Recovering from this syndrome likely will require intensive counselling/therapy - (working with Lost Child
victims is my professional specialty).
Healing is about getting honest with yourself, and finding some balance in your life. Healing is also about
seeing yourself more clearly and honestly so that you can start being true to who you really are, instead
of to who your parents (and/or others) wanted you to be. Start thinking and living positively.
Reacting by continued rebelling against who they wanted you to be is still living life in reaction to your
childhood. It is still giving power over how you live your life to the past - instead of seeing clearly so that
you can own your choices today.
The clearer you can see your self - the easier it becomes to find more balance in your life - to find more
happiness, fulfillment, and serenity: toward achieving your full Human Potential. Read “Rules For Being
Human” as well.
"Only the wounded heal - only the separated reconcile"
developed into more permanent behaviours by children growing up in negative environments.
Being a "lost child" is not a disease, nor a sign of mental illness.
It IS a behaviour pattern resulting from having to cope in extreme and traumatic circumstances.
It has become a behaviour style that has outlived its usefulness
and now has become a barrier to living a productive, and satisfying life.
The behaviours and the behaviour pattern can be changed (to recover, heal and bring closure) - in reality
it is no more difficult to change it to begin living positively, than it is to hang onto them and live negatively.
Each person's behavioural type has its special needs for healing, the "lost child" included, and like the
others, you can recover if you are willing to take the risk in believing you can change and heal. Because
the personalities of the family are mangled, you character traits can be equally blurred.
If this description seems to describe you, or someone you know - and it is affecting your life (or theirs)
negatively, and you want to change it - we can help. The effects can be overcome and turned around
Now available wherever you are through Distance-Counseling.
Recovering from this syndrome likely will require intensive counselling/therapy - (working with Lost Child
victims is my professional specialty).
Healing is about getting honest with yourself, and finding some balance in your life. Healing is also about
seeing yourself more clearly and honestly so that you can start being true to who you really are, instead
of to who your parents (and/or others) wanted you to be. Start thinking and living positively.
Reacting by continued rebelling against who they wanted you to be is still living life in reaction to your
childhood. It is still giving power over how you live your life to the past - instead of seeing clearly so that
you can own your choices today.
The clearer you can see your self - the easier it becomes to find more balance in your life - to find more
happiness, fulfillment, and serenity: toward achieving your full Human Potential. Read “Rules For Being
Human” as well.
"Only the wounded heal - only the separated reconcile"
Interesting Food for Thought:
If you are one that this description fits, and are searching for a way to heal, and it was your parents
who were involved in bringing about this situation - the following might be helpful:
"I didn't stop my father, I couldn't save my mother, really, what was there besides fear.
Because when you think that fear is the only thing that you know and have,
then suicide seems like a good alternative. And so I tried three times.
And finally that third time, I realized that I had to either make a new choice,
which was to give up my parents - not give up my parents - love for my parents,
or I was going to end up living in a psychiatric ward for the rest of my life."
~Anon
You will hear their "voices" inside your head - that's called the "inner critic" (see Inner Critic)
If you are one that this description fits, and are searching for a way to heal, and it was your parents
who were involved in bringing about this situation - the following might be helpful:
"I didn't stop my father, I couldn't save my mother, really, what was there besides fear.
Because when you think that fear is the only thing that you know and have,
then suicide seems like a good alternative. And so I tried three times.
And finally that third time, I realized that I had to either make a new choice,
which was to give up my parents - not give up my parents - love for my parents,
or I was going to end up living in a psychiatric ward for the rest of my life."
~Anon
You will hear their "voices" inside your head - that's called the "inner critic" (see Inner Critic)
The Lost Child is not an illness you (or they) get - it is a survival/coping strategy.
It is a normal reaction to severe dysfunction - it became dysfunctional also (meaning
it began to interfere with leading a functional, successful and satisfying life).
They lost their inner integration of Mind, Emotions And Spirit,
leaving these unconnected and in tatters - bits and pieces.
It is a form of temporary dis-integration - BUT one where re-assembly is entirely
possible!
You do not need fixing, for you are not broken.
Your sense of self, your self perception, was shattered
and fractured and broken into pieces, not your True Self.
Recovery and Healing are totally possible
- for hope, see "The Awakening" and "The Road Less Travelled"
One thing that can really help reduce the severity of the results of growing up in a
dysfunctional home, is to receive help during that time: schools are the most suited to
provide this through their school counsellors.
Relatives (aunts, uncles, grand-parents etc, can also play a huge role in this.
We are currently engaged in providing workshops for teachers, principals and school
counsellors on how to "intervene" and help offset the devastating results of growing
up as a victim.
It is a normal reaction to severe dysfunction - it became dysfunctional also (meaning
it began to interfere with leading a functional, successful and satisfying life).
They lost their inner integration of Mind, Emotions And Spirit,
leaving these unconnected and in tatters - bits and pieces.
It is a form of temporary dis-integration - BUT one where re-assembly is entirely
possible!
You do not need fixing, for you are not broken.
Your sense of self, your self perception, was shattered
and fractured and broken into pieces, not your True Self.
Recovery and Healing are totally possible
- for hope, see "The Awakening" and "The Road Less Travelled"
One thing that can really help reduce the severity of the results of growing up in a
dysfunctional home, is to receive help during that time: schools are the most suited to
provide this through their school counsellors.
Relatives (aunts, uncles, grand-parents etc, can also play a huge role in this.
We are currently engaged in providing workshops for teachers, principals and school
counsellors on how to "intervene" and help offset the devastating results of growing
up as a victim.
| The Lost Child primarily describes a behaviour pattern someone has; one which was developed in childhood as a coping and survival strategy in dysfunctional circumstances. "Survival" at that time simply meant as much as possible to avoid being hurt, damaged or killed. Lost Child is a behaviour; - it is not an illness or disorder. |
The information below is a description, not an indictment: do not be dismayed – it simply describes a
behaviour pattern that was learned – and which can be changed.
Very few people have all the traits.
Each of the personality types/roles has special needs - and each type can recover if they are willing to
take the risk in believing they can change and heal. This includes the Lost Child.
The information here describes a Personality Type: it describes the traits, behaviour patterns and
coping strategies of a particular child victim (who became an adult child) from a sick, dysfunctional
(alcoholic) family.
The child did the best it could, with what it knew, what it had and the circumstances it found itself in -
it is not to blame.
behaviour pattern that was learned – and which can be changed.
Very few people have all the traits.
Each of the personality types/roles has special needs - and each type can recover if they are willing to
take the risk in believing they can change and heal. This includes the Lost Child.
The information here describes a Personality Type: it describes the traits, behaviour patterns and
coping strategies of a particular child victim (who became an adult child) from a sick, dysfunctional
(alcoholic) family.
The child did the best it could, with what it knew, what it had and the circumstances it found itself in -
it is not to blame.
| Survivors' web sites |
| Take a stand against that "social sickness" - Child Pornography Light a Candle to stop Child Pornography, just click below on the word "stop", and it website prepared for it. STOP |
| Light A Candle for Children who are victims of Domestic Dispute Click HERE |
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Regardless how long your behaviour pattern and circumstances may have
existed, and no matter how much you despair of healing: recovery - healing and
becoming a true survivor is possible at any time.
existed, and no matter how much you despair of healing: recovery - healing and
becoming a true survivor is possible at any time.
Dawn Cove Abbey Transformational Outreach: Resource
While opting for roles is understandable, these same survival roles can cause serious problems in their future lives
- with young children growing up to become "adult children of . . ."
Family Roles are important and it is necessary for you to know them to fully understand the devastation that
dysfunction creates.
The role you played in your family of origin (the family system in which you were raised) will play an important part
in how you relate to other people as an adult - and how you interact with them.
Your family role can define who you are, how you relate to people, how they relate to you and influence every
aspect of your life.
People who are able to identify the role they played in their family have a powerful tool
for changing and transforming their lives and improving their relationships.
Family roles can be as varied and as individual as families are.
A family may have "the sick one", "the peacekeeper", "the athlete", "the gifted one",
"the victim", "the genius" or any other role you can think of.
This page focuses on the most severely affected one: The “Lost Child”.
The other roles are described on a separate page “Adult Children Roles”.
The Lost Child Behaviour Pattern
The behaviour can be changed and new behaviours learned,
behaviours and life skills that will improve the quality of your live, on your terms - not anyone else's!
* Please remember: "Lost Child" is not a personality type; the Lost Child is a person with a particular behaviour
pattern - rather than any specific person (like all the other Roles) - thus Lost Child is more a "behaviour pattern".
And if they describe you - these effects can be undone, and healing can occur and true survival
and recovery happens to many - as it can for you.
Do not despair - We can help.
- with young children growing up to become "adult children of . . ."
Family Roles are important and it is necessary for you to know them to fully understand the devastation that
dysfunction creates.
The role you played in your family of origin (the family system in which you were raised) will play an important part
in how you relate to other people as an adult - and how you interact with them.
Your family role can define who you are, how you relate to people, how they relate to you and influence every
aspect of your life.
People who are able to identify the role they played in their family have a powerful tool
for changing and transforming their lives and improving their relationships.
Family roles can be as varied and as individual as families are.
A family may have "the sick one", "the peacekeeper", "the athlete", "the gifted one",
"the victim", "the genius" or any other role you can think of.
This page focuses on the most severely affected one: The “Lost Child”.
The other roles are described on a separate page “Adult Children Roles”.
The Lost Child Behaviour Pattern
The behaviour can be changed and new behaviours learned,
behaviours and life skills that will improve the quality of your live, on your terms - not anyone else's!
* Please remember: "Lost Child" is not a personality type; the Lost Child is a person with a particular behaviour
pattern - rather than any specific person (like all the other Roles) - thus Lost Child is more a "behaviour pattern".
And if they describe you - these effects can be undone, and healing can occur and true survival
and recovery happens to many - as it can for you.
Do not despair - We can help.
Dysfunction means "does not work".
A dysfunctional family/relationship is one where the real, actual physical, emotional,
mental and spiritual needs of its members are not met.
It is also one where there often is physical, mental, sexual, emotional and spiritual abuse.
In such toxic dysfunctional families, children generally adopt various roles to help the
family function as a system.
A dysfunctional family/relationship is one where the real, actual physical, emotional,
mental and spiritual needs of its members are not met.
It is also one where there often is physical, mental, sexual, emotional and spiritual abuse.
In such toxic dysfunctional families, children generally adopt various roles to help the
family function as a system.
If you found this page helpful and know someone else who could benefit from it, please tell them
NOTE: For Recovering/Healing from a dysfunctional family, coping with or overcoming a dysfunctional
(alcoholic) family/relationship, help is available here - Online, distance help/counselling works!
Related topics: Abuse & Violence, Children-Roles, Codependency & Male-Female Equality, Lifeskills or Building Trust
NOTE: For Recovering/Healing from a dysfunctional family, coping with or overcoming a dysfunctional
(alcoholic) family/relationship, help is available here - Online, distance help/counselling works!
Related topics: Abuse & Violence, Children-Roles, Codependency & Male-Female Equality, Lifeskills or Building Trust
As long as you keep thinking that it is not your fault (how you feel now);
that something else must change, you will continue to feel helpless and powerless.
By continuing to play the victim, you will be totally at the mercy of your environment.
-Unknown
that something else must change, you will continue to feel helpless and powerless.
By continuing to play the victim, you will be totally at the mercy of your environment.
-Unknown
We welcome inquiries. There is no obligation, and there will be no unwanted
follow-up solicitation. All inquiries are totally confidential: see Contact Us
follow-up solicitation. All inquiries are totally confidential: see Contact Us
Roadside Assistance for your healing and reconciliation Journey Of Life
Childhood is where it begins.
Childhood and youth is where it began for almost all lost children; for all
"Adult Children of . . . . So part of any healing journey is to reconnect with
that child inside: the inner child. And although healing occurs in all those who
actively engage in that journey - there will always be remnants and memories.
Dysfunction too often is generational: it is passed on from one generation to
another. The only way to change it is to break that cycle. The best way to do
so is to begin one's own recovery and healing, and then focus on children in
one's life.
This cannot be emphasized too much.
Childhood and youth is where it began for almost all lost children; for all
"Adult Children of . . . . So part of any healing journey is to reconnect with
that child inside: the inner child. And although healing occurs in all those who
actively engage in that journey - there will always be remnants and memories.
Dysfunction too often is generational: it is passed on from one generation to
another. The only way to change it is to break that cycle. The best way to do
so is to begin one's own recovery and healing, and then focus on children in
one's life.
This cannot be emphasized too much.
| The first step toward change is awareness. The second step is acceptance. ~Nathaniel Branden |
| If you are ready to make the change / transition to begin your healing journey, we can help. For more information see Help - or contact us at Contact-Us Please call, write or email without obligation (and strictly confidential) |
Dawn Cove Abbey - many ways of helping people learn, recover and heal:
I sincerely hope that you take the Less Travelled Road and that it brings
awakening and healing to you.
- providing personal guidance for growth, healing and empowerment
through personal life coaching/counselling.
- extensive information and support pages on this website
- - the information is free and available to all - if you have found it to
be helpful and useful, please consider making a donation toward
maintaining this important service.
I sincerely hope that you take the Less Travelled Road and that it brings
awakening and healing to you.
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| ~Explorations In Awareness~ -Demystifying & Detoxifying the Mind to combat Alienation and Dysfunction- Please visit and add your voice. |
Parental Alienation is a form
of child abuse. Help stop it.
Click HERE
of child abuse. Help stop it.
Click HERE
| People who really want to heal, will find a way; those who don't, will find an excuse. |
IF You Are A Teacher, Grand Parent
or Relative of a child that is in an abusive,
dysfunctional family situation,
we can help you learn how to help the child
avoid the long-term damage
- you can learn how to assist him/her in
their emotional, mental and spiritual
healing.
Email, call or write to begin your role in
their healing, today.
or Relative of a child that is in an abusive,
dysfunctional family situation,
we can help you learn how to help the child
avoid the long-term damage
- you can learn how to assist him/her in
their emotional, mental and spiritual
healing.
Email, call or write to begin your role in
their healing, today.
| "Each night I die to old habits and to negative thinking and actions that do not serve me any more; each morning I am resurrected into new life, again and again – if I so choose." (adapted from our chapel's prayers). |