Healing
around
the world
around
the world
Lost Child Role/Syndrome Survival - Coping - Traits - Profile
Adult Child Victim - Adaptive Behaviour
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a Dawn Cove Abbey Resource page
Copimg & Survival Roles - Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families/Relationships - a negative strategy
| The secret, which is not a secret is: your wounded Inner Child can be healed! |
| Reclaiming the Wounded, Inner Child Dear sweet little child inside of me, I only wish that you could see how sad I feel for not being there, when you needed help to conquer despair. The pain of heart that you went through, when innocence was snatched from you. Your feelings of betrayal - shame - I know your life was not the same. The trust and innocence you had are gone - and that's what makes me sad. 'Cause you should laugh, and romp, and play -- enjoying life in every way. When emotions are 'congealed' inside, you cannot, feelings e'er confide... with anger -frustration - you sail life's course, while your abuser ne'er feels remorse. Please don't hang your head in shame, because you really aren't to blame.. Release the guilt you feel inside, and hold your head up high with pride. I picture you, dear innocent child - with heart of gold, so tender, so mild... and hold you close in my embrace, as tears I wipe from your dear face. You see, I've come to RESCUE you from all the pain that you've been through. I'll ne'er let you be hurt again, because I am your long, lost friend!!!!! 1996 ~ Cynthia Becker |
| When Life Hurts When the hurts received from others reaches a point where people actually react to them, an amazingly curious thing happens: they reveal what/who is most loved, prized or precious to them: it will be the thing/person they turn against against and take it out on. As a child it might manifest as tearing legs, arms and head off most fav doll, or trashing a prize airplane model, or maiming or hurting a beloved pet; in adulthood it might be destroying a loved tool or appliance, attack & hurt the loved one, or push the loved one away harder and harder, or run as far away as possible. They attack, destroy, damage, maim, hurt or leave exactly those things or people most precious & loved to them. Only later, when all the demolition and carnage is done, do they take stock and fully come to realize, not just what they've done, but what they've lost. And this has been known for ages - there's a song about it that people have known for years: "You always hurt the one you love". And the pain will grow, and the hurt will grow, and the guilt will grow, and the self-hatred, self-loathing and self-disgust will grow. And rage will build. This is the point at which healing/recovery can begin - because that is when people are ready - or can be. Recover-Heal through Counselling - Online or in-person |
| It is no measure of health To be well-adjusted to a profoundly sick society ~Jiddu Krisnamurti |
| Victim No More. Victims don't get better: they get bitter. Become a survivor! |
| Can Adult Children recover and heal and lead creative, functional lives? Yes, they can - and they do! dark days, writes excellent poetry. You can find it on her blog site - click HERE Also see - Survivors Podium on this site, with brief stories from those who succeeded. Please consider sharing your story |
| What you have just read describes the more typical situation. In extreme cases, this syndrome may include symptoms that appear to be like all, or some, of the following: the Lost (Ghost, Doormat) Child role itself, Dissociative Disorder, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), Multiple Personality Disorder/Dissociative Identity Disorder, and Borderline Personality Disorder. ___________________________________________________________________________________________ |
NOTE: This page, like most pages on the site, describes and explains behaviours and circumstances. They can
bring understanding, and while understanding by itself does not necessarily bring recovery: it can bring a sense of
relief.
Understanding is only the first step - it is not the recovery process itself!
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bring understanding, and while understanding by itself does not necessarily bring recovery: it can bring a sense of
relief.
Understanding is only the first step - it is not the recovery process itself!
____________________________________________________________________
You can’t do what you want, 'till you know what you’re doing;
and you can’t know what you’re doing, till you know who you are . . .
There are “positive” aspects to "roles" - see Children-Roles page.
Klaas Tuinman M.A.
Dawn Cove Abbey
Deerfield, Nova Scotia
Rev: 2010
and you can’t know what you’re doing, till you know who you are . . .
There are “positive” aspects to "roles" - see Children-Roles page.
Klaas Tuinman M.A.
Dawn Cove Abbey
Deerfield, Nova Scotia
Rev: 2010
IF You Are A Teacher, Grand Parent
or Relative of a child that is in an abusive,
dysfunctional family situation,
we can help you learn how to help the child
avoid the long-term damage
- you can learn how to assist him/her in
their emotional, mental and spiritual
healing.
Email, call or write to begin your role in
their healing, today.
or Relative of a child that is in an abusive,
dysfunctional family situation,
we can help you learn how to help the child
avoid the long-term damage
- you can learn how to assist him/her in
their emotional, mental and spiritual
healing.
Email, call or write to begin your role in
their healing, today.
| | | | | |
| If you are ready to make the change / transition to seriously begin your healing journey, please call, write or email without obligation (and strictly confidential) We can help: to contact us, please see Contact-Us _____________________________________________________________________ |
IF YOU NEED HELP WITH YOUR LIFE SITUATION
If the description on this page describes you and
you wish to heal, let us help you find long-term
resolution for your problems - and assist you
in your emotional, mental and spiritual healing.
If it describes someone in your life, we can help
you understand it better and how to cope or deal
with it - and bring healing to you as well.
We can help you begin
your Inner Child's journey "home"
Email, call or write to begin the healing - Today!
If the description on this page describes you and
you wish to heal, let us help you find long-term
resolution for your problems - and assist you
in your emotional, mental and spiritual healing.
If it describes someone in your life, we can help
you understand it better and how to cope or deal
with it - and bring healing to you as well.
We can help you begin
your Inner Child's journey "home"
Email, call or write to begin the healing - Today!
| Follow-up and Support Counseling to Seminars & Workshops Dawn Cove Abbey Empowerment Outreach is a registered not-for-profit business in the province of Nova Scotia, Canada |
If you have questions, comments or suggestions, please email. I'll be happy to hear from you.
| The Dawn Cove Abbey Tradition: Helping People Rediscover Themselves Established in 1995, in commemoration of Abbey Dawn in Kingston, Ontario. |
The Lost Child as a concept is an inter-related aspect of two other concepts featured on
this site: Adult Children's Adaptive "Roles", and The Inner Child - Child Within.
This adult child most often perpetuates the poor parenting skills she/he learned.
In fact, they are the most likely of all the victims of dysfunctional families, parenting,
abuse and violence to perpetuate the “the victim cycle of violence” cycle because of their
own inability to parent.
They are unable to provide nurturing (“mothering”), for example, unless they take steps to
learn how – through transformational healing and ultimate recovery.
They also often have a "secret death wish", and frequently rush from one activity to
another to avoid facing themselves.
The Lost Child is usually born into a family at a time when it is already highly stressed due
to the problems associated with “the family secret”, i.e. alcoholism, drug dependency,
mental illness, etc, and seems to sense that his/her role is to “not make waves.”
The Lost Child is almost totally “disconnected” – from self, and from others.
The Lost Child victim is often a younger (or the youngest) child
– but not necessarily so.
It seems to manifest more in girls than boys.
This however, is more likely a cultural thing, than gender-specific:
a situation where males manifest their traits in different ways.
Both genders are affected - but each shows and manifests it differently.
________________________________________________________________
this site: Adult Children's Adaptive "Roles", and The Inner Child - Child Within.
This adult child most often perpetuates the poor parenting skills she/he learned.
In fact, they are the most likely of all the victims of dysfunctional families, parenting,
abuse and violence to perpetuate the “the victim cycle of violence” cycle because of their
own inability to parent.
They are unable to provide nurturing (“mothering”), for example, unless they take steps to
learn how – through transformational healing and ultimate recovery.
They also often have a "secret death wish", and frequently rush from one activity to
another to avoid facing themselves.
The Lost Child is usually born into a family at a time when it is already highly stressed due
to the problems associated with “the family secret”, i.e. alcoholism, drug dependency,
mental illness, etc, and seems to sense that his/her role is to “not make waves.”
The Lost Child is almost totally “disconnected” – from self, and from others.
The Lost Child victim is often a younger (or the youngest) child
– but not necessarily so.
It seems to manifest more in girls than boys.
This however, is more likely a cultural thing, than gender-specific:
a situation where males manifest their traits in different ways.
Both genders are affected - but each shows and manifests it differently.
________________________________________________________________
The Lost Child as a behavioural type, has learned to stay out of the way, and not make his/her wants known,
and to expect nothing.
It is partly due to the fact that they are so disconnected from themselves that they don’t even know what they want, or
even what they can/should expect.
That state will affect (affects) all future relationships: friends, co-workers, colleagues, partners, etc.
They adopt whatever behaviour will allow them to stay invisible within the family, at work, at school or in a relationship.
This is the child who can assume whatever personality those around him/her find least threatening.
Because The Lost Child is rarely in trouble (when young), the family can say,
"He/she’s a good kid.
Everything seems fine in her/his life, so things can’t be too bad in the family".
Their "acting out" will start later - see below).
On the outside they are quiet and creative.
They will seem to be independent, agreeable, artistic, musical, soft-hearted.
They will be invisible, soft-spoken, and often lost in a book, and certainly avoid conflict of any kind.
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and to expect nothing.
It is partly due to the fact that they are so disconnected from themselves that they don’t even know what they want, or
even what they can/should expect.
That state will affect (affects) all future relationships: friends, co-workers, colleagues, partners, etc.
They adopt whatever behaviour will allow them to stay invisible within the family, at work, at school or in a relationship.
This is the child who can assume whatever personality those around him/her find least threatening.
Because The Lost Child is rarely in trouble (when young), the family can say,
"He/she’s a good kid.
Everything seems fine in her/his life, so things can’t be too bad in the family".
Their "acting out" will start later - see below).
On the outside they are quiet and creative.
They will seem to be independent, agreeable, artistic, musical, soft-hearted.
They will be invisible, soft-spoken, and often lost in a book, and certainly avoid conflict of any kind.
_______________________________________________________________________
They are very withdrawn and shy and become socially isolated because that is the only way they
know to be safe from being hurt. The lost child is therefore quiet, withdrawn and
The purpose of having a lost child in the family is similar to that of The Hero
(see Children–Roles) for this and the other "roles".
They strive to go unnoticed during family conflict so that anger is never directed at them.
Later on, they will engage in severe acting-out behaviour and rebel against almost everything.
While they seem self-sufficient and super independent, these lost and lonely children grow up to
be wounded, misunderstood, lost and lonely adults- consumed by a barely suppressed rage - which
will almost always be misdirected at the most undeserving people in their lives,
rather than at those responsible for it.
As The Ghost Child, this child is the Hidden One, as we've seen; the child who tries to make
him/herself as inconspicuous as possible, is with-drawn, never asks for anything for himself, is
neither seen nor heard, and is often confused with the Good Child, except he/she is not
competitive.
They strive to be invisible and to avoid taking a stand or rocking the boat (invisible - like a ghost).
As a result, they often come to feel that they are drifting through life and are out of control.
In order to cope with the chaos of their families the Lost (Ghost and Doormat) Child learns to
adjust in inappropriate ways.
Most importantly, they learn never to expect or to plan anything
– which will affect all their future relationships detrimentally.
________________________________________________________________
know to be safe from being hurt. The lost child is therefore quiet, withdrawn and
The purpose of having a lost child in the family is similar to that of The Hero
(see Children–Roles) for this and the other "roles".
They strive to go unnoticed during family conflict so that anger is never directed at them.
Later on, they will engage in severe acting-out behaviour and rebel against almost everything.
While they seem self-sufficient and super independent, these lost and lonely children grow up to
be wounded, misunderstood, lost and lonely adults- consumed by a barely suppressed rage - which
will almost always be misdirected at the most undeserving people in their lives,
rather than at those responsible for it.
As The Ghost Child, this child is the Hidden One, as we've seen; the child who tries to make
him/herself as inconspicuous as possible, is with-drawn, never asks for anything for himself, is
neither seen nor heard, and is often confused with the Good Child, except he/she is not
competitive.
They strive to be invisible and to avoid taking a stand or rocking the boat (invisible - like a ghost).
As a result, they often come to feel that they are drifting through life and are out of control.
In order to cope with the chaos of their families the Lost (Ghost and Doormat) Child learns to
adjust in inappropriate ways.
Most importantly, they learn never to expect or to plan anything
– which will affect all their future relationships detrimentally.
________________________________________________________________
These children grow up to be adults who find themselves unable to feel (they are that
disconnected from themselves), and extremely low self-worth (self-esteem).
They also become virtually paranoid in regard to other people.
They have lost touch with their feelings to such a degree that at moments of various kinds of
intimacy (such as sex) they may ask (or indicate) they want to be slapped, pinched, bitten – just
to get some feeling.
They need the physical sensation (of pain) as a substitute for the emotional feeling they have
become totally disconnected from: pain is the only feeling they can "relate" to - they also
suffer from extreme paranoia.
They are sexually inhibited: unconnected to the feelings associated with their sexuality to the
point they mostly do not know what they like or don’t like: here too, a major disconnection with
self.
And yet, while being inhibited, they will at the same time often act very promiscuously - they
truly are studies in contrasts.
They do not know how to connect or bond with anyone - often even their own children.
They are terrified of any kind of intimacy, especially emotional intimacy, and often have
relationship phobia - often drifting in and out of a series of relationships; frequently entering
into rebound ones.
In this tendency to have difficulty connecting with others, they continue to prefer to be alone
– they even have great difficulty forming meaningful friendships.
The Lost Child may be perceived as anti-social by others. This type of person is less likely to
join groups, but if they do, they are quiet and unobtrusive, or they may do their disappearing
act after they have volunteered for something.
Because they try so hard to stay invisible, they are often overlooked by people who might be
able to help them.
The lost child escapes by attempting to be invisible. They daydream, fantasize, read a lot of
books or watch a lot of TV. Their way of dealing with reality is to withdraw from it, because
they are terrified of life.
They avoid feeling by denying that they have feelings, and don't seem to bother getting visibly
upset: although deep inside the inner rage grows.
disconnected from themselves), and extremely low self-worth (self-esteem).
They also become virtually paranoid in regard to other people.
They have lost touch with their feelings to such a degree that at moments of various kinds of
intimacy (such as sex) they may ask (or indicate) they want to be slapped, pinched, bitten – just
to get some feeling.
They need the physical sensation (of pain) as a substitute for the emotional feeling they have
become totally disconnected from: pain is the only feeling they can "relate" to - they also
suffer from extreme paranoia.
They are sexually inhibited: unconnected to the feelings associated with their sexuality to the
point they mostly do not know what they like or don’t like: here too, a major disconnection with
self.
And yet, while being inhibited, they will at the same time often act very promiscuously - they
truly are studies in contrasts.
They do not know how to connect or bond with anyone - often even their own children.
They are terrified of any kind of intimacy, especially emotional intimacy, and often have
relationship phobia - often drifting in and out of a series of relationships; frequently entering
into rebound ones.
In this tendency to have difficulty connecting with others, they continue to prefer to be alone
– they even have great difficulty forming meaningful friendships.
The Lost Child may be perceived as anti-social by others. This type of person is less likely to
join groups, but if they do, they are quiet and unobtrusive, or they may do their disappearing
act after they have volunteered for something.
Because they try so hard to stay invisible, they are often overlooked by people who might be
able to help them.
The lost child escapes by attempting to be invisible. They daydream, fantasize, read a lot of
books or watch a lot of TV. Their way of dealing with reality is to withdraw from it, because
they are terrified of life.
They avoid feeling by denying that they have feelings, and don't seem to bother getting visibly
upset: although deep inside the inner rage grows.
And when the rage breaks - they will for all intents and purposes be socio-paths
(psychopaths) - they will not care who they hurt - it will seem, or be, deliberate (the very one
whose rage is a result of wanting also see "Montreal Massacre").
It is not a conscious refusal - the memory simply submerges into the unconscious - thus no
longer accessible. Other people simply don't understand and tend to react very accusingly,
doubtfully and mostly in anger: which only makes it worse.
Lost Children tend to value things – teddy bears and/or dolls when they are very young;
books, TV, music or video games, houses, cars, furniture, and clothes as they grow older
– more than they value people (family, friends, children, partners, etc).
They suffer from tremendous self-hatred and self-loathing.
_______________________________________________________________________
(psychopaths) - they will not care who they hurt - it will seem, or be, deliberate (the very one
whose rage is a result of wanting also see "Montreal Massacre").
It is not a conscious refusal - the memory simply submerges into the unconscious - thus no
longer accessible. Other people simply don't understand and tend to react very accusingly,
doubtfully and mostly in anger: which only makes it worse.
Lost Children tend to value things – teddy bears and/or dolls when they are very young;
books, TV, music or video games, houses, cars, furniture, and clothes as they grow older
– more than they value people (family, friends, children, partners, etc).
They suffer from tremendous self-hatred and self-loathing.
_______________________________________________________________________
Denial, and enabling , are major behaviour factors in their lives: unfortunately, the denial/enabling lead to
further suppression of their feelings, and this in turn leads to more anger, and eventually that anger turns to
rage. confused, unnecessary, rejected, depressed or suicidal.
Lost children do not draw attention to themselves because they do not want to burden left out, lonely, angry,
fragile, sad, isolated, powerless, scared, confused, unnecessary, rejected, depressed or suicidal.
In fact, they feel so unwanted, alone and rejected, that later in life they will often trade sex just to feel
wanted for a moment, for example.
The most extreme form of the Lost Child is The Doormat Child: This is the abused child who survives by
lying down and letting others walk all over him/her, rather than risk an unpleasant or dangerous confrontation.
These people may adopt some of the "Fixer" characteristics (see Children-Roles).
Closely related to this is the "Lost Hope Child" - see below.
further suppression of their feelings, and this in turn leads to more anger, and eventually that anger turns to
rage. confused, unnecessary, rejected, depressed or suicidal.
Lost children do not draw attention to themselves because they do not want to burden left out, lonely, angry,
fragile, sad, isolated, powerless, scared, confused, unnecessary, rejected, depressed or suicidal.
In fact, they feel so unwanted, alone and rejected, that later in life they will often trade sex just to feel
wanted for a moment, for example.
The most extreme form of the Lost Child is The Doormat Child: This is the abused child who survives by
lying down and letting others walk all over him/her, rather than risk an unpleasant or dangerous confrontation.
These people may adopt some of the "Fixer" characteristics (see Children-Roles).
Closely related to this is the "Lost Hope Child" - see below.
This child truly understands the need someone else may have to injure him/her, but cannot identify his/her
feelings about the abuse in the past or present.
This one frequently suffered sexual abuse, and/or rape - either at home, or elsewhere.
Their "emotional age" tends to be arrested ("frozen in time") at the chronological age they were when the
trauma, abuse/violence occurred - this is also known as "interrupted childhood" (creating a major emotional
block until resolved).
This "child" is also likely to be codependent on: a parent, a child, a friend, or a partner. They are unable to
establish a balance between independence and interdependence (sharing). Compromise is not an easy option for
them.
EXAMPLE: The Lost Child's disconnection commonly leads to a total inability to see the relationship or
connection between their actions - and the consequences.
The disconnection is also known as dissociation - see Glossary-dictionary and the Dissociation page.
feelings about the abuse in the past or present.
This one frequently suffered sexual abuse, and/or rape - either at home, or elsewhere.
Their "emotional age" tends to be arrested ("frozen in time") at the chronological age they were when the
trauma, abuse/violence occurred - this is also known as "interrupted childhood" (creating a major emotional
block until resolved).
This "child" is also likely to be codependent on: a parent, a child, a friend, or a partner. They are unable to
establish a balance between independence and interdependence (sharing). Compromise is not an easy option for
them.
EXAMPLE: The Lost Child's disconnection commonly leads to a total inability to see the relationship or
connection between their actions - and the consequences.
The disconnection is also known as dissociation - see Glossary-dictionary and the Dissociation page.
Their life is a continual state of denial. In
fact, they have frequent "amnesia" episodes,
where there is a total memory loss of many
past, or recent experiences - and/or of their
own actions, words and behaviours.
They tend to live by their emotions by
acting-out, even in adulthood
They have no interest in finding out rational
causes or reasons for anything.
The result is two-fold:
First, the rage builds (see above) - and,
Secondly, they tend to be the very ones who
will perpetuate the Victim Cycle Of Violence
because of their own poor parenting skills
(see graphic at right > > > > ) .
fact, they have frequent "amnesia" episodes,
where there is a total memory loss of many
past, or recent experiences - and/or of their
own actions, words and behaviours.
They tend to live by their emotions by
acting-out, even in adulthood
They have no interest in finding out rational
causes or reasons for anything.
The result is two-fold:
First, the rage builds (see above) - and,
Secondly, they tend to be the very ones who
will perpetuate the Victim Cycle Of Violence
because of their own poor parenting skills
(see graphic at right > > > > ) .
The LAST HOPE Child:
This child is very similar to the Lost Child (they share characteristics), the Last Hope child is the caretaker for
the family when all other members have become unable to continue their roles. Often the Last Child is raised
on comments like "You'll never hurt me like so-and-so."
These children may work themselves to death trying to do "what's right" for blood relations or adopted
families, no matter what the expense to their own life.
___________________________________________________________________
This child is very similar to the Lost Child (they share characteristics), the Last Hope child is the caretaker for
the family when all other members have become unable to continue their roles. Often the Last Child is raised
on comments like "You'll never hurt me like so-and-so."
These children may work themselves to death trying to do "what's right" for blood relations or adopted
families, no matter what the expense to their own life.
___________________________________________________________________
The descriptions above simply illustrate an "automatic, reflex" coping strategy adopted, and then developed into
more permanent behaviours by children growing up in negative environments.
Being a "lost child" is not a disease, nor a sign of mental illness.
It IS a behaviour pattern resulting from having to cope in extreme and traumatic circumstances.
It has become a behaviour style that has outlived its usefulness
and now has become a barrier to living a productive, and satisfying life.
The behaviour pattern can be changed (recover and heal) - it is no more difficult to change it, in reality, and begin
living positively, than it is to hang onto them and live negatively.
Each person's behavioural type has its special needs for healing, the "lost child" included, and like the others, you
can recover if you are willing to take the risk in believing you can change and heal. Because the personalities of
the family are mangled, you character traits can be equally blurred.
If this description seems to describe you, or someone you know - and it is affecting your life (or theirs)
negatively, and you want to change it - we can help. The effects can be overcome and turned around (see HOME:
Counseling). Now available wherever you are through Distance-Counseling.
Recovering from this syndrome likely will require intensive counselling/therapy - (working with Lost Child victims
is my professional specialty).
Healing is about getting honest with yourself, and finding some balance in your life. Healing is also about seeing
yourself more clearly and honestly so that you can start being true to who you really are, instead of to who your
parents (and/or others) wanted you to be. Start thinking and living positively.
Reacting by continued rebelling against who they wanted you to be is still living life in reaction to your childhood.
It is still giving power over how you live your life to the past - instead of seeing clearly so that you can own your
choices today.
The clearer you can see your self - the easier it becomes to find more balance in your life - to find more
happiness, fulfillment, and serenity: toward achieving your full Human Potential. Read “Rules For Being Human” as
well.
"Only the wounded heal - only the separated reconcile"
________________________________________________________________________
more permanent behaviours by children growing up in negative environments.
Being a "lost child" is not a disease, nor a sign of mental illness.
It IS a behaviour pattern resulting from having to cope in extreme and traumatic circumstances.
It has become a behaviour style that has outlived its usefulness
and now has become a barrier to living a productive, and satisfying life.
The behaviour pattern can be changed (recover and heal) - it is no more difficult to change it, in reality, and begin
living positively, than it is to hang onto them and live negatively.
Each person's behavioural type has its special needs for healing, the "lost child" included, and like the others, you
can recover if you are willing to take the risk in believing you can change and heal. Because the personalities of
the family are mangled, you character traits can be equally blurred.
If this description seems to describe you, or someone you know - and it is affecting your life (or theirs)
negatively, and you want to change it - we can help. The effects can be overcome and turned around (see HOME:
Counseling). Now available wherever you are through Distance-Counseling.
Recovering from this syndrome likely will require intensive counselling/therapy - (working with Lost Child victims
is my professional specialty).
Healing is about getting honest with yourself, and finding some balance in your life. Healing is also about seeing
yourself more clearly and honestly so that you can start being true to who you really are, instead of to who your
parents (and/or others) wanted you to be. Start thinking and living positively.
Reacting by continued rebelling against who they wanted you to be is still living life in reaction to your childhood.
It is still giving power over how you live your life to the past - instead of seeing clearly so that you can own your
choices today.
The clearer you can see your self - the easier it becomes to find more balance in your life - to find more
happiness, fulfillment, and serenity: toward achieving your full Human Potential. Read “Rules For Being Human” as
well.
"Only the wounded heal - only the separated reconcile"
________________________________________________________________________
An Interesting Thought:
If you are one that this description fits, and are searching for a way to heal, and it was your parents who were
involved in bringing about this situation - the following might be helpful:
"I didn't stop my father, I couldn't save my mother, really, what was there besides fear.
Because when you think that fear is the only thing that you know and have,
then suicide seems like a good alternative. And so I tried three times.
And finally that third time, I realized that I had to either make a new choice,
which was to give up my parents - not give up my parents - love for my parents,
or I was going to end up living in a psychiatric ward for the rest of my life."
~Anon
You will hear their "voices" inside your head - that's called the "inner critic" (read Inner Child - Child Within for
details)
_________________________________________________________________________
If you are one that this description fits, and are searching for a way to heal, and it was your parents who were
involved in bringing about this situation - the following might be helpful:
"I didn't stop my father, I couldn't save my mother, really, what was there besides fear.
Because when you think that fear is the only thing that you know and have,
then suicide seems like a good alternative. And so I tried three times.
And finally that third time, I realized that I had to either make a new choice,
which was to give up my parents - not give up my parents - love for my parents,
or I was going to end up living in a psychiatric ward for the rest of my life."
~Anon
You will hear their "voices" inside your head - that's called the "inner critic" (read Inner Child - Child Within for
details)
_________________________________________________________________________
To round it all out, Dawn Cove Abbey provides personal guidance for growth,
healing and empowerment through personal life coaching/counselling, as well as the
many information files that exist on this website - the information is free and
available to all.
I sincerely hope that you take the Less Travelled Road and that it brings
awakening and healing to you.
healing and empowerment through personal life coaching/counselling, as well as the
many information files that exist on this website - the information is free and
available to all.
I sincerely hope that you take the Less Travelled Road and that it brings
awakening and healing to you.
It is not an illness you (or they) get - it is a survival/coping strategy.
Instead, it is a normal reaction to severe dysfunction - it became dysfunctional also (meaning it began
to interfere with leading a functional, successful and satisfying life).
They lost their inner integration of Mind, Emotions And Spirit,
leaving these unconnected and in tatters - bits and pieces.
A form of dis-integration - BUT - in a way where re-assembly is entirely possible!
You do not need fixing, for you are not broken.
Your sense of self, your self perception, was shattered
and fractured and broken into pieces, not your True Self.
Recovery and Healing are totally possible
- for hope, see "The Awakening" and "The Road Less Travelled"
One thing that can really help reduce the severity of the results of growing up in a dysfunctional
home, is to receive help during that time: schools are the most suited to provide this through their
school counsellors.
Relatives (aunts, uncles, grand-parents etc, can also play a huge role in this.
We are currently engaged in providing workshops for teachers, principals and school counsellors on
how to "intervene" and help offset the devastating results of growing up as a victim.
Instead, it is a normal reaction to severe dysfunction - it became dysfunctional also (meaning it began
to interfere with leading a functional, successful and satisfying life).
They lost their inner integration of Mind, Emotions And Spirit,
leaving these unconnected and in tatters - bits and pieces.
A form of dis-integration - BUT - in a way where re-assembly is entirely possible!
You do not need fixing, for you are not broken.
Your sense of self, your self perception, was shattered
and fractured and broken into pieces, not your True Self.
Recovery and Healing are totally possible
- for hope, see "The Awakening" and "The Road Less Travelled"
One thing that can really help reduce the severity of the results of growing up in a dysfunctional
home, is to receive help during that time: schools are the most suited to provide this through their
school counsellors.
Relatives (aunts, uncles, grand-parents etc, can also play a huge role in this.
We are currently engaged in providing workshops for teachers, principals and school counsellors on
how to "intervene" and help offset the devastating results of growing up as a victim.
| The Lost Child is primarily a behaviour pattern someone has, which was developed in childhood as a coping and survival strategy in dysfunctional circumstances. It is not an illness or disorder. |
Dysfunction means "does not work".
A dysfunctional family/relationship is one where
the real, actual needs of its members are not met: physical,
emotional, mental or spiritual.
In these toxic dysfunctional families, children generally adopt
various roles to help the family function as a system.
But these roles can cause serious problems in their future
lives - the young children grow up to become "adult children".
Family Roles are important and it is necessary for you to know
them to fully understand the devastation that dysfunction
creates.
The role you played in your family of origin (the family system
in which you were raised) can play an important part in how you
relate to other people as an adult.
Your family role can define who you are, how you relate to
people, how they relate to you and influence every aspect of
your life.
People who are able to identify the role they played in their
family have a powerful tool for changing their lives and
improving their relationships.
Family roles can be as varied and as individual as families are.
A family may have "the sick one", "the peacekeeper", "the
athlete", "the gifted one", "the victim", "the genius" or any
other role you can think of.
This page focuses on the most severely affected one: The
“Lost Child”. The other roles are described on a separate page
“Adult Children Roles”.
The Lost Child Behaviour Pattern
The behaviour can be changed and new behaviours learned,
behaviours and life skills that will improve the quality o their
lives,
on their terms - not anyone else's!
* "Lost Child" is not a personality type - it is a "behaviour type"
with particular behaviour pattern - rather than any specific
person (like all the other Roles).
A dysfunctional family/relationship is one where
the real, actual needs of its members are not met: physical,
emotional, mental or spiritual.
In these toxic dysfunctional families, children generally adopt
various roles to help the family function as a system.
But these roles can cause serious problems in their future
lives - the young children grow up to become "adult children".
Family Roles are important and it is necessary for you to know
them to fully understand the devastation that dysfunction
creates.
The role you played in your family of origin (the family system
in which you were raised) can play an important part in how you
relate to other people as an adult.
Your family role can define who you are, how you relate to
people, how they relate to you and influence every aspect of
your life.
People who are able to identify the role they played in their
family have a powerful tool for changing their lives and
improving their relationships.
Family roles can be as varied and as individual as families are.
A family may have "the sick one", "the peacekeeper", "the
athlete", "the gifted one", "the victim", "the genius" or any
other role you can think of.
This page focuses on the most severely affected one: The
“Lost Child”. The other roles are described on a separate page
“Adult Children Roles”.
The Lost Child Behaviour Pattern
The behaviour can be changed and new behaviours learned,
behaviours and life skills that will improve the quality o their
lives,
on their terms - not anyone else's!
* "Lost Child" is not a personality type - it is a "behaviour type"
with particular behaviour pattern - rather than any specific
person (like all the other Roles).
The information below is a description, not an indictment: do not be dismayed – it simply describes a behaviour
pattern that was learned – and which can be changed.
Very few people have all the traits.
Each of the personality types/roles has special needs - and each type can recover if they are willing to take the
risk in believing they can change and heal. This includes the Lost Child.
The information here describes a Personality Type: it describes the traits, behaviour patterns and coping
strategies of a particular child victim (who became an adult child) from a sick, dysfunctional (alcoholic) family.
The child did the best it could, with what it knew, what it had and the circumstances it found itself in - it is not
to blame.
pattern that was learned – and which can be changed.
Very few people have all the traits.
Each of the personality types/roles has special needs - and each type can recover if they are willing to take the
risk in believing they can change and heal. This includes the Lost Child.
The information here describes a Personality Type: it describes the traits, behaviour patterns and coping
strategies of a particular child victim (who became an adult child) from a sick, dysfunctional (alcoholic) family.
The child did the best it could, with what it knew, what it had and the circumstances it found itself in - it is not
to blame.
| Survivors' web sites |
| Take a Stand against a "social sickness" - Child Pornography Light a Candle to stop Child Pornography, just click below on the word "stop", and it website prepared for it. STOP |
| Light A Candle for Children who are victims of Domestic Dispute Click HERE |
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| Dysfunctional Family / Life Effects: Resources |
| Adult Child - Survivor Resource Section |
| Healthy-Functional Resource Section |
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| Suggested Additional Reading |
| Dawn Cove Abbey Information and Support Resources |
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| People who really want to heal, will find a way; those who don't, will find an excuse. |