| Make today the first day of the rest of your life - resonate to a new positive wavelength. |
| You are a child of the universe, and you have a right to be here: Victim No More |
| Reclaiming the Wounded, Inner Child Dear sweet little child inside of me, I only wish that you could see how sad I feel for not being there, when you needed help to conquer despair. The pain of heart that you went through, when innocence was snatched from you. Your feelings of betrayal - shame - I know your life was not the same. The trust and innocence you had are gone - and that's what makes me sad. 'Cause you should laugh, and romp, and play -- enjoying life in every way. When emotions are 'congealed' inside, you cannot, feelings e'er confide... with anger -frustration - you sail life's course, while your abuser ne'er feels remorse. Please don't hang your head in shame, because you really aren't to blame.. Release the guilt you feel inside, and hold your head up high with pride. I picture you, dear innocent child - with heart of gold, so tender, so mild... and hold you close in my embrace, as tears I wipe from your dear face. You see, I've come to RESCUE you from all the pain that you've been through. I'll ne'er let you be hurt again, because I am your long, lost friend!!!!! 1996 ~ Cynthia Becker |
Roles are products of dysfunctional families, or dysfunctional relationships. They are established in families
as a defensive coping means to assure that the family system survives as the dependency, codependency and
dysfunction accelerate.
Roles cover, or mask, true feelings and makes communication difficult. They may save the family system,
but are detrimental to the individual’s emotional and physical health. The role each family member plays is a
defense.
“Taking on a role” is an unconscious act – it is not deliberate. These roles are played right through
adulthood: they are part of our learning process.
Note: it is NOT the “middle child” syndrome, which is a different situation.
NOTE: The description you are about to read is not a "stereo-type" - it is a pattern of behaviour that
particular survivors/victims display. Not all people falling into these categories will display all the
characteristics - some may, but many will not.
As well, some people will display characteristics of more than one of the "roles" - each person develops their
own personal coping style.
The Lost Child - Causes and Characteristics: the major contributing factors to this syndrome
are: extremely poor parenting (Number 1 reason), physical / emotional / sexual abuse, alcohol, and poor
communication (double-bind). It is the closest there is to a “motherless child”.
as a defensive coping means to assure that the family system survives as the dependency, codependency and
dysfunction accelerate.
Roles cover, or mask, true feelings and makes communication difficult. They may save the family system,
but are detrimental to the individual’s emotional and physical health. The role each family member plays is a
defense.
“Taking on a role” is an unconscious act – it is not deliberate. These roles are played right through
adulthood: they are part of our learning process.
Note: it is NOT the “middle child” syndrome, which is a different situation.
NOTE: The description you are about to read is not a "stereo-type" - it is a pattern of behaviour that
particular survivors/victims display. Not all people falling into these categories will display all the
characteristics - some may, but many will not.
As well, some people will display characteristics of more than one of the "roles" - each person develops their
own personal coping style.
The Lost Child - Causes and Characteristics: the major contributing factors to this syndrome
are: extremely poor parenting (Number 1 reason), physical / emotional / sexual abuse, alcohol, and poor
communication (double-bind). It is the closest there is to a “motherless child”.
| When Life Hurts When the hurts received from others reaches a point where people actually react to them, an amazingly curious thing happens: they reveal what/who is most loved, prized or precious to them: it will be the thing/person they turn against and take it out on. As a child it might manifest as tearing legs, arms and head off most fav doll, or trashing a prize airplane model, or maiming or hurting a beloved pet; in adulthood it might be destroying a loved tool or appliance, attack & hurt the loved one, or push the loved one away harder and harder, or run as far away as possible. They attack, destroy, damage, maim, hurt or leave exactly those things or people most precious & loved to them. Only later, when all the demolition and carnage is done, do they take stock and fully come to realize, not just what they've done, but what they've lost. And this has been known for ages - there's a song about it that people have known for years: "You always hurt the one you love". And the pain will grow, and the hurt will grow, and the guilt will grow, and the self-hatred, self-loathing and self-disgust will grow. And rage will build. This is the point at which healing/recovery can begin - because that is when people are ready - or can be. Recover-Heal through Counselling - Online or in-person |
This adult child most often perpetuates the poor parenting skills she/he learned. In fact, they are the most
likely of all the victims of dysfunctional families, parenting, abuse and violence to perpetuate the “the victim
cycle of violence” cycle because of their own inability to parent.
They are unable to provide nurturing (“mothering”), for example, unless they take steps to learn how –
through healing. They also often have a "secret death wish", and frequently rush from one activity to another
to avoid facing themselves.
The Lost Child is usually born into a family at a time when it is already highly stressed due to the problems
associated with “the family secret”, i.e. alcoholism, drug dependency, mental illness, etc, and seems to sense
that his/her role is to “not make waves.”
The Lost Child is almost totally “disconnected” – from self, and from others.
The Lost Child victim is often a younger (or the youngest) child – but not necessarily so. It seems to
manifest more in girls than boys. This however, is more likely a cultural thing, than gender-specific: a
situation where males manifest their traits in different ways. Both genders are affected - just differently.
likely of all the victims of dysfunctional families, parenting, abuse and violence to perpetuate the “the victim
cycle of violence” cycle because of their own inability to parent.
They are unable to provide nurturing (“mothering”), for example, unless they take steps to learn how –
through healing. They also often have a "secret death wish", and frequently rush from one activity to another
to avoid facing themselves.
The Lost Child is usually born into a family at a time when it is already highly stressed due to the problems
associated with “the family secret”, i.e. alcoholism, drug dependency, mental illness, etc, and seems to sense
that his/her role is to “not make waves.”
The Lost Child is almost totally “disconnected” – from self, and from others.
The Lost Child victim is often a younger (or the youngest) child – but not necessarily so. It seems to
manifest more in girls than boys. This however, is more likely a cultural thing, than gender-specific: a
situation where males manifest their traits in different ways. Both genders are affected - just differently.
This personality type has learned to stay out of the way, not make his/her wants known and to expect nothing. It is partly due to the fact
that they are so disconnected from themselves that they don’t even know what they want, or even what they can/should expect.
That state will affect (affects) all future relationships: friends, co-workers, colleagues, partners, etc.
They adopt whatever behaviour will allow them to stay invisible within the family, at work, at school or in a relationship. This is the child
who can assume whatever personality those around him/her find least threatening.
Because The Lost Child is rarely in trouble (when young), the family can say, "He/she’s a good kid. Everything seems fine in her/his life,
so things can’t be too bad in the family". Their "acting out" will start later - see below).
On the outside they are quiet and creative. They will seem to be independent, agreeable, artistic, musical, soft-hearted. They will be
invisible, soft-spoken, and often lost in a book, and certainly avoid conflict of any kind.
that they are so disconnected from themselves that they don’t even know what they want, or even what they can/should expect.
That state will affect (affects) all future relationships: friends, co-workers, colleagues, partners, etc.
They adopt whatever behaviour will allow them to stay invisible within the family, at work, at school or in a relationship. This is the child
who can assume whatever personality those around him/her find least threatening.
Because The Lost Child is rarely in trouble (when young), the family can say, "He/she’s a good kid. Everything seems fine in her/his life,
so things can’t be too bad in the family". Their "acting out" will start later - see below).
On the outside they are quiet and creative. They will seem to be independent, agreeable, artistic, musical, soft-hearted. They will be
invisible, soft-spoken, and often lost in a book, and certainly avoid conflict of any kind.
They are very withdrawn and shy and become socially isolated because that is the only way they know to be safe from being hurt. The lost child
is therefore quiet, withdrawn and aloof and is usually known as "the quiet one" or "the dreamer". They stay out of the way of problems and
spend a lot of time alone. The purpose of having a lost child in the family is similar to that of The Hero (see Children –Roles) for this and the
other "roles".
They strive to go unnoticed during family conflict so that anger is never directed at them. Later on, they will engage in severe acting-out behaviour
and rebel against almost everything.
While they seem self-sufficient and super independent, these lost and lonely children grow up into wounded, misunderstood, lost and lonely
adults- consumed by a barely suppressed rage - which will almost always be misdirected at the most undeserving people in their lives, rather than
at those responsible for it.
As The Ghost Child, this child is the Hidden One, as we've seen; the child who tries to make him/herself as inconspicuous as possible, is with-
drawn, never asks for anything for himself, is neither seen nor heard, and is often confused with the Good Child, except he/she is not competitive.
They strive to be invisible and to avoid taking a stand or rocking the boat (invisible - like a ghost). As a result, they often come to feel that they
are drifting through life and are out of control.
In order to cope with the chaos of their families the Lost (Ghost and Doormat) Child learns to adjust in inappropriate ways. Most importantly,
they learn never to expect or to plan anything – which will affect all their future relationships detrimentally.
is therefore quiet, withdrawn and aloof and is usually known as "the quiet one" or "the dreamer". They stay out of the way of problems and
spend a lot of time alone. The purpose of having a lost child in the family is similar to that of The Hero (see Children –Roles) for this and the
other "roles".
They strive to go unnoticed during family conflict so that anger is never directed at them. Later on, they will engage in severe acting-out behaviour
and rebel against almost everything.
While they seem self-sufficient and super independent, these lost and lonely children grow up into wounded, misunderstood, lost and lonely
adults- consumed by a barely suppressed rage - which will almost always be misdirected at the most undeserving people in their lives, rather than
at those responsible for it.
As The Ghost Child, this child is the Hidden One, as we've seen; the child who tries to make him/herself as inconspicuous as possible, is with-
drawn, never asks for anything for himself, is neither seen nor heard, and is often confused with the Good Child, except he/she is not competitive.
They strive to be invisible and to avoid taking a stand or rocking the boat (invisible - like a ghost). As a result, they often come to feel that they
are drifting through life and are out of control.
In order to cope with the chaos of their families the Lost (Ghost and Doormat) Child learns to adjust in inappropriate ways. Most importantly,
they learn never to expect or to plan anything – which will affect all their future relationships detrimentally.
These children grow up to be adults who find themselves unable to feel (they are that disconnected from themselves), and have extremely low
self-worth (self-esteem).
They have lost touch with their feelings to such a degree that at moments of various kinds of intimacy (such as sex) they may ask (or indicate)
they want to be slapped, pinched, bitten – just to get some feeling.
They need the physical sensation (of pain) as a substitute for the emotional feeling they have become totally disconnected from: pain is the only
feeling they can "relate" to - they also suffer from extreme paranoia.
They are sexually inhibited: unconnected to the feelings associated with their sexuality to the point they mostly do not know what they like or
don’t like: here too, a major disconnection with self. They do not know how to connect or bond with anyone - often even their own children.
They are terrified of any kind of intimacy, especially emotional intimacy, and often have relationship phobia - often drifting in and out of a series
of relationships; frequently entering into rebound ones.
In this tendency to have difficulty connecting with others, they continue to prefer to be alone – they even have great difficulty forming
meaningful friendships.
The Lost Child may be perceived as anti-social by others. This type of person is less likely to join groups, but if they do, they are quiet and
unobtrusive, or they may do their disappearing act after they have volunteered for something. Because they try so hard to stay invisible, they are
often overlooked by people who might be able to help them.
The lost child escapes by attempting to be invisible. They daydream, fantasize, read a lot of books or watch a lot of TV. Their way of dealing
with reality is to withdraw from it, because they are terrified of life.
They avoid feeling by denying that they have feelings, and don't seem to bother getting visibly upset: although deep inside the inner rage grows.
self-worth (self-esteem).
They have lost touch with their feelings to such a degree that at moments of various kinds of intimacy (such as sex) they may ask (or indicate)
they want to be slapped, pinched, bitten – just to get some feeling.
They need the physical sensation (of pain) as a substitute for the emotional feeling they have become totally disconnected from: pain is the only
feeling they can "relate" to - they also suffer from extreme paranoia.
They are sexually inhibited: unconnected to the feelings associated with their sexuality to the point they mostly do not know what they like or
don’t like: here too, a major disconnection with self. They do not know how to connect or bond with anyone - often even their own children.
They are terrified of any kind of intimacy, especially emotional intimacy, and often have relationship phobia - often drifting in and out of a series
of relationships; frequently entering into rebound ones.
In this tendency to have difficulty connecting with others, they continue to prefer to be alone – they even have great difficulty forming
meaningful friendships.
The Lost Child may be perceived as anti-social by others. This type of person is less likely to join groups, but if they do, they are quiet and
unobtrusive, or they may do their disappearing act after they have volunteered for something. Because they try so hard to stay invisible, they are
often overlooked by people who might be able to help them.
The lost child escapes by attempting to be invisible. They daydream, fantasize, read a lot of books or watch a lot of TV. Their way of dealing
with reality is to withdraw from it, because they are terrified of life.
They avoid feeling by denying that they have feelings, and don't seem to bother getting visibly upset: although deep inside the inner rage grows.
Denial, and enabling, are major behaviour factors in their lives: unfortunately, the denial/enabling lead to further suppression of their feelings, and
this in turn leads to more anger, and eventually that anger turns to rage.
Lost children do not draw attention to themselves because they do not want to burden the family. Since they are so often overlooked, on the
inside the Lost Child often feels: left out, lonely, angry, fragile, sad, isolated, powerless, scared, confused, unnecessary, rejected, depressed or
suicidal. In fact, they feel so unwanted, alone and rejected, that later in life they will often trade sex just to feel wanted for a moment, for example.
The most extreme form of the Lost Child is The Doormat Child: This is the abused child who survives by lying down and letting others walk all
over him/her, rather than risk an unpleasant or dangerous confrontation. These people may adopt some of the "Fixer" characteristics (see
Children-Roles).
Closely related to this is the "Lost Hope Child" - see below.
this in turn leads to more anger, and eventually that anger turns to rage.
Lost children do not draw attention to themselves because they do not want to burden the family. Since they are so often overlooked, on the
inside the Lost Child often feels: left out, lonely, angry, fragile, sad, isolated, powerless, scared, confused, unnecessary, rejected, depressed or
suicidal. In fact, they feel so unwanted, alone and rejected, that later in life they will often trade sex just to feel wanted for a moment, for example.
The most extreme form of the Lost Child is The Doormat Child: This is the abused child who survives by lying down and letting others walk all
over him/her, rather than risk an unpleasant or dangerous confrontation. These people may adopt some of the "Fixer" characteristics (see
Children-Roles).
Closely related to this is the "Lost Hope Child" - see below.
This child is very understanding of the need someone else may
have to injure him/her, but cannot identify his/her feelings about
the abuse in the past or present. This one frequently suffered
sexual abuse, and/or rape - either at home, or elsewhere. Their
"emotional age" tends to be arrested ("frozen in time") at the
chronological age they were when the trauma, abuse/violence
occurred - this is also known as "interrupted childhood"
(creating a major emotional block until resolved).
This "child" is also likely to be codependent on: a parent, a child, a
friend, or a partner. They are unable to establish a balance between
independence and interdependence (sharing). Compromise is not
an easy option for them.
EXAMPLE: The Lost Child's disconnection commonly leads to a
total inability to see the relationship or connection between their
actions - and the consequences. Hence, they cannot (and do not)
take "ownership" of their actions or behaviour.
Their life is a continual state of denial. In fact, they have frequent
"amnesia" episodes, where there is a total memory loss of many
past, or recent experiences - and/or of their own actions, words
and behaviours. They tend to live by their emotions - acting-out.
They have no interest in finding out rational causes or reasons for
anything. The result is two-fold: first, the rage builds, and
secondly, they tend to be the very ones who will perpetuate the
Victim Cycle Of Violence (see graphic at right) because of their
own poor parenting skills.
have to injure him/her, but cannot identify his/her feelings about
the abuse in the past or present. This one frequently suffered
sexual abuse, and/or rape - either at home, or elsewhere. Their
"emotional age" tends to be arrested ("frozen in time") at the
chronological age they were when the trauma, abuse/violence
occurred - this is also known as "interrupted childhood"
(creating a major emotional block until resolved).
This "child" is also likely to be codependent on: a parent, a child, a
friend, or a partner. They are unable to establish a balance between
independence and interdependence (sharing). Compromise is not
an easy option for them.
EXAMPLE: The Lost Child's disconnection commonly leads to a
total inability to see the relationship or connection between their
actions - and the consequences. Hence, they cannot (and do not)
take "ownership" of their actions or behaviour.
Their life is a continual state of denial. In fact, they have frequent
"amnesia" episodes, where there is a total memory loss of many
past, or recent experiences - and/or of their own actions, words
and behaviours. They tend to live by their emotions - acting-out.
They have no interest in finding out rational causes or reasons for
anything. The result is two-fold: first, the rage builds, and
secondly, they tend to be the very ones who will perpetuate the
Victim Cycle Of Violence (see graphic at right) because of their
own poor parenting skills.
And when the rage breaks - they will for all intents and purposes be socio-paths (psychopaths) - they will not care who they hurt - it will seem,
or be, deliberate (the very one whose rage is a result of wanting to be "cared for” - but didn't get it) now does not care about the effects of their
behaviour on others (for extreme effects of rage also see "Montreal Massacre").
It is not a conscious refusal - the memory simply submerges into the unconscious - thus no longer accessible. Other people simply don't
understand and tend to react very accusingly, doubtfully and mostly in anger: which only makes it worse.
Lost Children tend to value things – teddy bears and/or dolls when they are very young; books, TV, music or video games, houses, cars,
furniture, and clothes as they grow older – more than they value people (family, friends, children, partners, etc).
They suffer from tremendous self-hatred and self-loathing.
or be, deliberate (the very one whose rage is a result of wanting to be "cared for” - but didn't get it) now does not care about the effects of their
behaviour on others (for extreme effects of rage also see "Montreal Massacre").
It is not a conscious refusal - the memory simply submerges into the unconscious - thus no longer accessible. Other people simply don't
understand and tend to react very accusingly, doubtfully and mostly in anger: which only makes it worse.
Lost Children tend to value things – teddy bears and/or dolls when they are very young; books, TV, music or video games, houses, cars,
furniture, and clothes as they grow older – more than they value people (family, friends, children, partners, etc).
They suffer from tremendous self-hatred and self-loathing.
Summary:
The descriptions above simply illustrate an "automatic, reflex" coping strategy adopted by children growing up in negative environments. Being
a "lost child" is not a disease, nor a sign of mental illness, necessarily. It is a behaviour behaviours that has outlived its usefulness and now has
become a barrier to living a productive, and satisfying life. The behaviour pattern can be changed - it is no more difficult to change it, in reality,
and begin living positively, than it is to hang onto them and live negatively.
Each personality type has its special needs for healing, the "lost child" included, and like the others, you can recover if you are willing to take
the risk in believing you can change and heal. Because the personalities of the family are mangled, you character traits can be equally blurred.
If this description seems to describe you, or someone you know - and it is affecting your life (or theirs) negatively, and you want to change it -
we can help. The effects can be overcome and turned around (see Counseling/Coaching-Counselling).
Recovering from this syndrome likely will require intensive counselling/therapy - (working with Lost Child victims is my professional
specialty).
Healing is about getting honest with yourself, and finding some balance in your life. Healing is also about seeing yourself more clearly and
honestly so that you can start being true to who you really are, instead of to who your parents (and/or others) wanted you to be. Start thinking
and living positively.
Reacting by continued rebelling against who they wanted you to be is still living life in reaction to your childhood. It is still giving power over
how you live your life to the past - instead of seeing clearly so that you can own your choices today.
The clearer you can see your self - the easier it becomes to find more balance in your life - to find more happiness, fulfillment, and serenity:
toward achieving your full Human Potential. Read “Rules For Being Human” as well.
"Only the wounded heal - only the separated reconcile"
The descriptions above simply illustrate an "automatic, reflex" coping strategy adopted by children growing up in negative environments. Being
a "lost child" is not a disease, nor a sign of mental illness, necessarily. It is a behaviour behaviours that has outlived its usefulness and now has
become a barrier to living a productive, and satisfying life. The behaviour pattern can be changed - it is no more difficult to change it, in reality,
and begin living positively, than it is to hang onto them and live negatively.
Each personality type has its special needs for healing, the "lost child" included, and like the others, you can recover if you are willing to take
the risk in believing you can change and heal. Because the personalities of the family are mangled, you character traits can be equally blurred.
If this description seems to describe you, or someone you know - and it is affecting your life (or theirs) negatively, and you want to change it -
we can help. The effects can be overcome and turned around (see Counseling/Coaching-Counselling).
Recovering from this syndrome likely will require intensive counselling/therapy - (working with Lost Child victims is my professional
specialty).
Healing is about getting honest with yourself, and finding some balance in your life. Healing is also about seeing yourself more clearly and
honestly so that you can start being true to who you really are, instead of to who your parents (and/or others) wanted you to be. Start thinking
and living positively.
Reacting by continued rebelling against who they wanted you to be is still living life in reaction to your childhood. It is still giving power over
how you live your life to the past - instead of seeing clearly so that you can own your choices today.
The clearer you can see your self - the easier it becomes to find more balance in your life - to find more happiness, fulfillment, and serenity:
toward achieving your full Human Potential. Read “Rules For Being Human” as well.
"Only the wounded heal - only the separated reconcile"
"You can’t do what you want 'till you know what you’re doing." There are “positive” aspects to "roles" - see the Children-Roles page (also
see "Inner Child").
Klaas Tuinman M.A.
Dawn Cove Abbey
Deerfield, Nova Scotia
2008
see "Inner Child").
Klaas Tuinman M.A.
Dawn Cove Abbey
Deerfield, Nova Scotia
2008
If you have a question about this topic - don't hesitate to write: there is no charge, and
you will receive an answer - without any unwanted follow-up.
Help is available to you here, and an ear to listen through Coaching/Counselling, either
in-person, or through Distance Counselling. Distance Counselling / Coaching
Works (see Contact-Info). Write or call without obligation and start your healing and
recovery today. Email: outreach@dawncoveabbey.org
Workshop-Retreats / Seminars available - see "Inner Child" workshop.
you will receive an answer - without any unwanted follow-up.
Help is available to you here, and an ear to listen through Coaching/Counselling, either
in-person, or through Distance Counselling. Distance Counselling / Coaching
Works (see Contact-Info). Write or call without obligation and start your healing and
recovery today. Email: outreach@dawncoveabbey.org
Workshop-Retreats / Seminars available - see "Inner Child" workshop.
Lost Child Role / Syndrome: Survival - Coping - Traits - Profile
Healing & Empowerment: Counselling - Life
Coaching, Seminars, Workshops & Retreats
Coaching, Seminars, Workshops & Retreats
| The secret, which is not a secret is: your wounded Inner Child can be healed! |
The Lost Child: a behaviour pattern that began as a coping
strategy and became a way of life. The behaviour can be
changed and new behaviours learned.
The information below is a description, not an indictment: do not be
dismayed – it simply describes a behaviour pattern that was learned
– and which can be changed. Few people have all the traits.
Each of the personality types/roles has special needs - and each type
can recover if they are willing to take the risk in believing they can
change and heal. This includes the Lost Child.
The information describes a Personality Type: the traits, behaviour
patterns and coping strategies of a particular child victim (who
became an adult child) from a sick, dysfunctional (alcoholic) family.
It is not an illness you get - it is a survival/coping strategy.
Instead, it is a normal reaction to severe dysfunction - it became
dysfunctional also (this means, it began to interfere with leading a
functional, successful and satisfying life).
Change is totally possible - see "The Awakening"and "The
Road Less Travelled"
strategy and became a way of life. The behaviour can be
changed and new behaviours learned.
The information below is a description, not an indictment: do not be
dismayed – it simply describes a behaviour pattern that was learned
– and which can be changed. Few people have all the traits.
Each of the personality types/roles has special needs - and each type
can recover if they are willing to take the risk in believing they can
change and heal. This includes the Lost Child.
The information describes a Personality Type: the traits, behaviour
patterns and coping strategies of a particular child victim (who
became an adult child) from a sick, dysfunctional (alcoholic) family.
It is not an illness you get - it is a survival/coping strategy.
Instead, it is a normal reaction to severe dysfunction - it became
dysfunctional also (this means, it began to interfere with leading a
functional, successful and satisfying life).
Change is totally possible - see "The Awakening"and "The
Road Less Travelled"
The Lost Child Role - Syndrome: Survival & Coping
The LOST CHILD: As a victim of Dysfunctional Families/relationships, The Lost Child, (also known as
the Ghost Child and Doormat Child is/are the most severe form of “coping/survival roles – they are the
major victims”: collectively these are called the Adjuster Child or Adjuster Children.
This role, like the others, emerged in this child’s attempt to make sense of the chaos in the family of birth.
These are not only the most severe of the roles (victims) – but they are highly at risk for further emotional
and mental damage: suffering mostly from self-estrangement and feeling and being disconnected.
It is the only role (personality type) that can also be a syndrome - in severe cases of woundedness it has a
constellation of traits (see further below), which gives it the name, "Lost Child Syndrome/Role".
Yet, healing is possible even here: there is no need for despair. The human mind and spirit are resilient - and
given time and caring help, even the worst cases can achieve a decent, functional, and happy life.
The LOST CHILD: As a victim of Dysfunctional Families/relationships, The Lost Child, (also known as
the Ghost Child and Doormat Child is/are the most severe form of “coping/survival roles – they are the
major victims”: collectively these are called the Adjuster Child or Adjuster Children.
This role, like the others, emerged in this child’s attempt to make sense of the chaos in the family of birth.
These are not only the most severe of the roles (victims) – but they are highly at risk for further emotional
and mental damage: suffering mostly from self-estrangement and feeling and being disconnected.
It is the only role (personality type) that can also be a syndrome - in severe cases of woundedness it has a
constellation of traits (see further below), which gives it the name, "Lost Child Syndrome/Role".
Yet, healing is possible even here: there is no need for despair. The human mind and spirit are resilient - and
given time and caring help, even the worst cases can achieve a decent, functional, and happy life.
The LAST HOPE Child:
This child is very similar to the Lost Child (they share characteristics), the Last Hope is the caretaker for the family when all other members
have become unable to continue their roles. Often the Last Child is raised on comments like "You'll never hurt me like so-and-so."
These children may work themselves to death trying to do "what's right" for blood relations or adopted families, no matter what the expense to
their own life.
This child is very similar to the Lost Child (they share characteristics), the Last Hope is the caretaker for the family when all other members
have become unable to continue their roles. Often the Last Child is raised on comments like "You'll never hurt me like so-and-so."
These children may work themselves to death trying to do "what's right" for blood relations or adopted families, no matter what the expense to
their own life.
| Victim No More. Victims don't get better: they get bitter. Become a Survivor! |
An Interesting Thought:
If you are one that this description fits, and are searching for a way to heal, and it was your parents who were involved in bringing about this
situation - the following might be helpful:
"I didn't stop my father, I couldn't save my mother, really, what was there besides fear. Fear became my good friend. And between 14 and 25, I
attempted to kill myself.
Because when you think that fear is the only thing that you know and have, then suicide seems like a good alternative. And so I tried three
times.
And finally that third time, I realized that I had to either make a new choice, which was to give up my parents - not give up my parents - love
for my parents, but have them quit running my life, and quit having fear in my life or I was going to end up living in a psychiatric ward for the
rest of my life."
~Anon
You will hear their "voices" inside your head - that's called the "inner critic" (read Inner Child - Child Within for details)
If you are one that this description fits, and are searching for a way to heal, and it was your parents who were involved in bringing about this
situation - the following might be helpful:
"I didn't stop my father, I couldn't save my mother, really, what was there besides fear. Fear became my good friend. And between 14 and 25, I
attempted to kill myself.
Because when you think that fear is the only thing that you know and have, then suicide seems like a good alternative. And so I tried three
times.
And finally that third time, I realized that I had to either make a new choice, which was to give up my parents - not give up my parents - love
for my parents, but have them quit running my life, and quit having fear in my life or I was going to end up living in a psychiatric ward for the
rest of my life."
~Anon
You will hear their "voices" inside your head - that's called the "inner critic" (read Inner Child - Child Within for details)
| Click graphic to Enter |
Above all, remember: people who really want to heal, will find a way; those who don't will find an excuse.
| Take a Stand against a "social sickness" - Child Pornography. Light a Candle to stop Child Pornography, just click below on the word "stop", and it will take you directly to the website prepared for it. STOP |
Adult Child: Victim - Survivor Adaptive Behaviour
| What you have just read describes the more typical situation. In extreme cases, this syndrome may include all, or some, of the following: the Lost (Ghost, Doormat) Child role itself, Dissociative Disorder, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), Multiple Personality Disorder/Dissociative Identity Disorder, and Borderline Personality Disorder. |
| When life hurts - there is immediate help for long term hope |
| Dawn Cove Abbey Empowerment Outreach - New Beginning Online Information Resources, and other supports for Adult Children of Alcoholic/Dysfunctional Families LIFE COUNSELING / COACHING / COUNSELLING and CONSULTING: HEALING YOUR WOUNDED INNER LOST CHILD |
Only the Wounded Heal; Only the Separated Reconcile
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