Stinking Thinking
Adult Children and codependents often engage in self-defeating, negative
thought patterns called “stinking thinking”.
These patterns result in dysfunctional relationships with self and others.
These are some traits of stinking thinking:
1. Black and White Thinking:
This self-defeating thinking comes from an absolute black and white;
right/wrong; always and never, perspective, for example:
I will always be alone.
I never get a break.
A single negative thing gets turned into a sweeping generality.
Adult Children and codependents often engage in self-defeating, negative
thought patterns called “stinking thinking”.
These patterns result in dysfunctional relationships with self and others.
These are some traits of stinking thinking:
1. Black and White Thinking:
This self-defeating thinking comes from an absolute black and white;
right/wrong; always and never, perspective, for example:
I will always be alone.
I never get a break.
A single negative thing gets turned into a sweeping generality.
| When Life Hurts When the hurts received from others reaches a point where people actually happens: they reveal what/who is most loved, prized or precious to them: it will be the thing/person they turn against and take it out on. As a child it might manifest as tearing legs, arms and head off most fav doll, or trashing a prize airplane model, or maiming or hurting a beloved pet; in adulthood it might be destroying a loved tool or appliance, attack & hurt the loved one, or push the loved one away harder and harder, or run as far away as possible. They attack, destroy, damage, maim, hurt or leave exactly those things or people most precious & loved to them. Only later, when all the demolition and carnage is done, do they take stock and fully come to realize, not just what they've done, but what they've lost. And this has been known for ages - there's a song about it that people have known for years: "You always hurt the one you love". And the pain will grow, and the hurt will grow, and the guilt will grow, and the self-hatred, self-loathing and self-disgust will grow. And rage will build. This is the point at which healing/recovery can begin - because that is when people are ready - or can be. Recover-Heal through Counselling/Coaching |
Klaas Tuinman M.A
Dawn Cove Abbey
Deerfield (Yarmouth County) Nova Scotia - Rev: 2010
Dawn Cove Abbey
Deerfield (Yarmouth County) Nova Scotia - Rev: 2010
| The following documents are on-site in RTF format - click to open. Trust: it start with you, How To build Trust, About Assertiveness. |
| Violence & Children's Development. CLICK |
| For an overview of what it is like growing up in a dysfunctional family. CLICK |
| Questionnaire: Are you a survivor or member of a Dysfunctional Family? CLICK! |
| Also see: Montreal Massacre |
| Helping Adult Children make sense of chaotic lives: healing & recovery |
| People who really want to heal, will find a way; those who don't, will find an excuse. |
Stinking Thinking
2. Negative Focus:
Here, the focus tends to be on the half of the glass that is empty. This
leads us to lament, rather than be grateful for what we have. Even if the
glass is 7/8ths full our distorted perspective will find something
negative to focus on.
(At the other extreme, however, are some people who focus only on the
good as a way of denying their negative feelings.)
3. Magical Thinking:
This is characterized by mind reading, fortune telling, and assuming. We
convince ourselves that we can read other peoples minds and feelings, or
foretell the future, and then we act as if what we assume is reality.
In this way, we often create self-fulfilling prophecies.
Here, the focus tends to be on the half of the glass that is empty. This
leads us to lament, rather than be grateful for what we have. Even if the
glass is 7/8ths full our distorted perspective will find something
negative to focus on.
(At the other extreme, however, are some people who focus only on the
good as a way of denying their negative feelings.)
3. Magical Thinking:
This is characterized by mind reading, fortune telling, and assuming. We
convince ourselves that we can read other peoples minds and feelings, or
foretell the future, and then we act as if what we assume is reality.
In this way, we often create self-fulfilling prophecies.
4. Starring in the Soap Opera:
Blowing things out of proportion, playing the king or queen of tragedy.
Some of us are addicted to Trauma Dramas and want the excitement and intensity of
dramatic scenes, while others are terrified of conflict.
In codependent relationships, one partner is often over-indulgent and dramatic, and
emotionally coupled with someone who strives to avoid conflict, connection and emotion at
all costs.
5. Self-Discount:
Inability to receive, or to admit to our own positive qualities or accomplishments.
When we receive a compliment we minimize it (Oh it was nothing), make a joke out of it,
or just ignore it altogether by changing the subject or turning the compliment back on the
other person.
We fail to hear the praise that we deserve.
6. Emotional Reasoning:
Reasoning from feelings. I feel like a failure therefore I am a failure. Believing that
what we feel is who what we are, we do not separate our inner child’s feelings about what
happened a long time ago from our current adult feelings.
We write our past onto our present.
7. Shoulds:
Should, must, ought to, and have to, come from a parent or authority figure.
“Should” means “I don’t want to, but they are making me.”
Adults don’t need to have shoulds -- adults have choices.
8. Self-Labeling:
We self-label when we identify with our shortcomings and mistakes, with our human imperfections, and
when we label ourselves with names like stupid, loser, jerk, or fool, instead of accepting our humanity and
learning from our mistakes and shortcomings.
9. Personalizing and Blame:
We blame ourselves for things we weren’t entirely responsible for, or for the way
someone else feels. Conversely, we may blame other people, external events, or fate,
while overlooking how our own attitudes and behavior may have contributed to a problem.
As children, we learned to blame others to keep ourselves from feeling the shame of
being blamed.
As adults, we swing between blaming and self-blame--neither is the Truth.
The answers lie in the gray area, in 2 through 9, not in the extremes.
~Unknown (adapted –with thanks to Gina R. Ottoboni) 2008
Blowing things out of proportion, playing the king or queen of tragedy.
Some of us are addicted to Trauma Dramas and want the excitement and intensity of
dramatic scenes, while others are terrified of conflict.
In codependent relationships, one partner is often over-indulgent and dramatic, and
emotionally coupled with someone who strives to avoid conflict, connection and emotion at
all costs.
5. Self-Discount:
Inability to receive, or to admit to our own positive qualities or accomplishments.
When we receive a compliment we minimize it (Oh it was nothing), make a joke out of it,
or just ignore it altogether by changing the subject or turning the compliment back on the
other person.
We fail to hear the praise that we deserve.
6. Emotional Reasoning:
Reasoning from feelings. I feel like a failure therefore I am a failure. Believing that
what we feel is who what we are, we do not separate our inner child’s feelings about what
happened a long time ago from our current adult feelings.
We write our past onto our present.
7. Shoulds:
Should, must, ought to, and have to, come from a parent or authority figure.
“Should” means “I don’t want to, but they are making me.”
Adults don’t need to have shoulds -- adults have choices.
8. Self-Labeling:
We self-label when we identify with our shortcomings and mistakes, with our human imperfections, and
when we label ourselves with names like stupid, loser, jerk, or fool, instead of accepting our humanity and
learning from our mistakes and shortcomings.
9. Personalizing and Blame:
We blame ourselves for things we weren’t entirely responsible for, or for the way
someone else feels. Conversely, we may blame other people, external events, or fate,
while overlooking how our own attitudes and behavior may have contributed to a problem.
As children, we learned to blame others to keep ourselves from feeling the shame of
being blamed.
As adults, we swing between blaming and self-blame--neither is the Truth.
The answers lie in the gray area, in 2 through 9, not in the extremes.
~Unknown (adapted –with thanks to Gina R. Ottoboni) 2008
| We all need a daily check up from the neck up to avoid stinkin thinkin' which ultimately leads to hardening of the attitudes. ~Zig Ziglar |
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Related topics: Abuse & Violence, Children-Roles, Codependency
and & Male-Female Equality, Lifeskills or Building Trust
and & Male-Female Equality, Lifeskills or Building Trust
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| People who really want to heal, will find a way; those who don't, will find an excuse. |
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NOTE: For Recovering/Healing from a dysfunctional family, coping with or overcoming a dysfunctional
(alcoholic) family/relationship, help is available here - Online, distance help/counselling works!
Related topics: Abuse & Violence, Children-Roles, Codependency & Male-Female Equality, Lifeskills or Building Trust
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