Stinking Thinking
Adult Children and codependents often engage in self-defeating, negative
thought patterns called “stinking thinking”. These patterns result in
dysfunctional relationships with self and others.
These are some traits of stinking thinking:
1. Black and White Thinking:
This self-defeating thinking comes from an absolute black and white;
right/wrong; always and never, perspective. I will always be alone. I
never get a break.
A single negative thing gets turned into a sweeping generality.
Adult Children and codependents often engage in self-defeating, negative
thought patterns called “stinking thinking”. These patterns result in
dysfunctional relationships with self and others.
These are some traits of stinking thinking:
1. Black and White Thinking:
This self-defeating thinking comes from an absolute black and white;
right/wrong; always and never, perspective. I will always be alone. I
never get a break.
A single negative thing gets turned into a sweeping generality.
| When Life Hurts When the hurts received from others reaches a point where people actually react to them, an amazingly curious thing happens: they reveal what/who is most loved, prized or precious to them: it will be the thing/person they turn against and take it out on. As a child it might manifest as tearing legs, arms and head off most fav doll, or trashing a prize airplane model, or maiming or hurting a beloved pet; in adulthood it might be destroying a loved tool or appliance, attack & hurt the loved one, or push the loved one away harder and harder, or run as far away as possible. They attack, destroy, damage, maim, hurt or leave exactly those things or people most precious & loved to them. Only later, when all the demolition and carnage is done, do they take stock and fully come to realize, not just what they've done, but what they've lost. And this has been known for ages - there's a song about it that people have known for years: "You always hurt the one you love". And the pain will grow, and the hurt will grow, and the guilt will grow, and the self-hatred, self-loathing and self-disgust will grow. And rage will build. This is the point at which healing/recovery can begin - because that is when people are ready - or can be. Recover-Heal through Counselling/Coaching |
Klaas Tuinman M.A
Dawn Cove Abbey
Deerfield (Yarmouth County) Nova Scotia - 2008
Dawn Cove Abbey
Deerfield (Yarmouth County) Nova Scotia - 2008
NOTE: For Recovering/Healing from a dysfunctional family, coping with or overcoming a dysfunctional (alcoholic)
family/relationship,
help is available here - Online, distance help/counselling works! See "Contact Info". I specialize in helping those with the Lost
Child syndrome.
Related topics: Abuse & Violence, Children-Roles, Codependency & Male-Female Equality, Lifeskills or Building Trust
family/relationship,
help is available here - Online, distance help/counselling works! See "Contact Info". I specialize in helping those with the Lost
Child syndrome.
Related topics: Abuse & Violence, Children-Roles, Codependency & Male-Female Equality, Lifeskills or Building Trust
| The following documents are on-site in RTF format - click to open. Trust: it start with you, How To build Trust, About Assertiveness. |
| Violence & Children's Development. CLICK |
| Growing up in a dysfunctional family. CLICK |
| Questionnaire: Are you a survivor or member of a Dysfunctional Family? CLICK! |
| For Transition House (shelter) services (Juniper House) in Yarmouth (NS) click HERE They can provide information on other Transition (shelter) places - and also provide information to males. |
If you have a question about this topic - don't hesitate to write: there is no
charge, and you will receive an answer - without any unwanted follow-up.
Help is available here through Life Coaching, either in-person, or through
Distance Counselling. Distance Counselling / Coaching Works (see
Contact-Info).
Write or call without obligation and start your healing and recovery today.
Write, email, or call (with no obligation) to:
outreach@dawncoveabbey.org.
Workshops-Retreats / Seminars also available.
charge, and you will receive an answer - without any unwanted follow-up.
Help is available here through Life Coaching, either in-person, or through
Distance Counselling. Distance Counselling / Coaching Works (see
Contact-Info).
Write or call without obligation and start your healing and recovery today.
Write, email, or call (with no obligation) to:
outreach@dawncoveabbey.org.
Workshops-Retreats / Seminars also available.
| Also see: Montreal Massacre |
| Take a Stand against a "social sickness" - Child Pornography. Light a Candle to stop Child Pornography, just click below on the word "stop", and it will take you directly to the website prepared for it. STOP |
Helping Adult Children make sense
of chaotic lives: healing & recovery
of chaotic lives: healing & recovery
People who really want to heal, will find a way; if they don't, they'll find an excuse.
Stinking Thinking
| Click Graphic to Enter |
| Dawn Cove Abbey Empowerment Outreach - New Beginning Online Information Resources, and other supports for Adult Children of Alcoholic/Dysfunctional Families LIFE COUNSELING / COACHING / COUNSELLING and CONSULTING: HEALING YOUR WOUNDED INNER CHILD |
Empowerment: Counselling - Life Coaching,
Seminars, Workshops & Retreats
Seminars, Workshops & Retreats
When life hurts - there is immediate help for long term hope
Only the Wounded Heal; Only the Separated Reconcile
2. Negative Focus:
Here, focus tends to be on the half of the glass that is empty. This leads us
to lament, rather than be grateful for what we have. Even if the glass is
7/8ths full our distorted perspective will find something negative to focus
on.
(At the other extreme, however, are some people who focus only on the good
as a way of denying their negative feelings.)
3. Magical Thinking:
This is characterized by mind reading, fortune telling, and assuming. We
convince ourselves that we can read other peoples minds and feelings, or
foretell the future, and then we act as if what we assume is reality.
In this way, we often create self-fulfilling prophecies.
Here, focus tends to be on the half of the glass that is empty. This leads us
to lament, rather than be grateful for what we have. Even if the glass is
7/8ths full our distorted perspective will find something negative to focus
on.
(At the other extreme, however, are some people who focus only on the good
as a way of denying their negative feelings.)
3. Magical Thinking:
This is characterized by mind reading, fortune telling, and assuming. We
convince ourselves that we can read other peoples minds and feelings, or
foretell the future, and then we act as if what we assume is reality.
In this way, we often create self-fulfilling prophecies.
4. Starring in the Soap Opera:
Blowing things out of proportion, playing the king or queen of tragedy.
Some of us are addicted to Trauma Dramas and want the excitement and intensity of dramatic
scenes, while others are terrified of conflict. In codependent relationships, one partner is often
over-indulgent and dramatic, and emotionally coupled with someone who strives to avoid conflict,
connection and emotion at all costs.
5. Self-Discount:
Inability to receive, or to admit to our own positive qualities or accomplishments.
When we receive a compliment we minimize it (Oh it was nothing), make a joke out of it, or just
ignore it altogether by changing the subject or turning the compliment back on the other person.
We fail to hear the praise that we deserve.
6. Emotional Reasoning:
Reasoning from feelings. I feel like a failure therefore I am a failure. Believing that what we feel
is who what we are, we do not separate our inner child’s feelings about what happened a long time
ago from our current adult feelings. We write our past onto our present.
7. Shoulds:
Should, must, ought to, and have to, come from a parent or authority figure.
“Should” means “I don’t want to, but they are making me.” Adults don’t need to have shoulds--adults
have choices.
8. Self-Labeling:
We self-label when we identify with our shortcomings and mistakes, with our human imperfections,
and when we label ourselves with names like stupid, loser, jerk, or fool, instead of accepting our
humanity and learning from our mistakes and shortcomings.
9. Personalizing and Blame:
We blame ourselves for things we weren’t entirely responsible for, or for the way someone else
feels. Conversely, we may blame other people, external events, or fate, while overlooking how our
own attitudes and behavior may have contributed to a problem.
As children, we learned to blame others to keep ourselves from feeling the shame of being blamed.
As adults, we swing between blaming and self-blame--neither is the Truth. The answers lie in the
gray area, in 2 through 9, not in the extremes.
~Unknown (adapted –with thanks to Gina R. Ottoboni)
Blowing things out of proportion, playing the king or queen of tragedy.
Some of us are addicted to Trauma Dramas and want the excitement and intensity of dramatic
scenes, while others are terrified of conflict. In codependent relationships, one partner is often
over-indulgent and dramatic, and emotionally coupled with someone who strives to avoid conflict,
connection and emotion at all costs.
5. Self-Discount:
Inability to receive, or to admit to our own positive qualities or accomplishments.
When we receive a compliment we minimize it (Oh it was nothing), make a joke out of it, or just
ignore it altogether by changing the subject or turning the compliment back on the other person.
We fail to hear the praise that we deserve.
6. Emotional Reasoning:
Reasoning from feelings. I feel like a failure therefore I am a failure. Believing that what we feel
is who what we are, we do not separate our inner child’s feelings about what happened a long time
ago from our current adult feelings. We write our past onto our present.
7. Shoulds:
Should, must, ought to, and have to, come from a parent or authority figure.
“Should” means “I don’t want to, but they are making me.” Adults don’t need to have shoulds--adults
have choices.
8. Self-Labeling:
We self-label when we identify with our shortcomings and mistakes, with our human imperfections,
and when we label ourselves with names like stupid, loser, jerk, or fool, instead of accepting our
humanity and learning from our mistakes and shortcomings.
9. Personalizing and Blame:
We blame ourselves for things we weren’t entirely responsible for, or for the way someone else
feels. Conversely, we may blame other people, external events, or fate, while overlooking how our
own attitudes and behavior may have contributed to a problem.
As children, we learned to blame others to keep ourselves from feeling the shame of being blamed.
As adults, we swing between blaming and self-blame--neither is the Truth. The answers lie in the
gray area, in 2 through 9, not in the extremes.
~Unknown (adapted –with thanks to Gina R. Ottoboni)
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