How do I love thee?
Love is a single word with many meanings.
It is difficult to define, describe,
understand, or figure out . . .
Nor is Love a single
fixed emotion, for there are many subtle
differences between the various types
of love. Here is an outline:
Let me count the ways.
The Four “Loves”
There are four different types, or styles, of love,
that have their own characteristics and personalities.
They are commonly given the names that the ancient
Greeks coined to characterize the different love styles:
Agape is unconditional love
Storge is Affection, love of family
Philia is love between friends
Eros is the sense of being in love
I love thee to the depth
and breadth and height
My soul can reach,
when feeling out of sight
For the ends of Being
and ideal Grace.
Caritas (agapē, αγαπη)
Agape means unconditional love for someone.
Agape is the love that brings forth caring regardless of circumstance.
Agape love is the selfless, sacrificial love for others,
in which nothing is asked in return . . .
it is truly unconditional, which means “no strings attached”.
Affection - (storge, στοργη)
Storge is fondness through familiarity, especially between family members;
parental affection; the almost instinctive affection
such as animals have for their young,
and also people who have otherwise found themselves together by chance.
It is described as the most natural, emotive, and widely diffused of loves.
Storge Love exemplifies friendship-based love.
There is strong companionship
and shared values here
but little physical intimacy.
In social psychology,
storge is the form of love
between exceptional friends,
and the desire for them
to care compassionately for one another.
I love thee
to the level of everyday's
Most quiet need,
by sun and candlelight.
Love is a single word with many meanings.
It is difficult to define, describe,
understand, or figure out . . .
Nor is Love a single
fixed emotion, for there are many subtle
differences between the various types
of love. Here is an outline:
Let me count the ways.
The Four “Loves”
There are four different types, or styles, of love,
that have their own characteristics and personalities.
They are commonly given the names that the ancient
Greeks coined to characterize the different love styles:
Agape is unconditional love
Storge is Affection, love of family
Philia is love between friends
Eros is the sense of being in love
I love thee to the depth
and breadth and height
My soul can reach,
when feeling out of sight
For the ends of Being
and ideal Grace.
Caritas (agapē, αγαπη)
Agape means unconditional love for someone.
Agape is the love that brings forth caring regardless of circumstance.
Agape love is the selfless, sacrificial love for others,
in which nothing is asked in return . . .
it is truly unconditional, which means “no strings attached”.
Affection - (storge, στοργη)
Storge is fondness through familiarity, especially between family members;
parental affection; the almost instinctive affection
such as animals have for their young,
and also people who have otherwise found themselves together by chance.
It is described as the most natural, emotive, and widely diffused of loves.
Storge Love exemplifies friendship-based love.
There is strong companionship
and shared values here
but little physical intimacy.
In social psychology,
storge is the form of love
between exceptional friends,
and the desire for them
to care compassionately for one another.
I love thee
to the level of everyday's
Most quiet need,
by sun and candlelight.
Philia - Friendship
(philia, φιλια) is a strong bond existing between people who share a common interest or activity.
Philia is Friendship Love, which
is not sexual in nature,
though (in the right
circumstance) it can lead to
or complement Eros (below).
It's the kind of love talked about by Jesus, who said:
"Greater love hath no man than this,
that a man lay down his life for his friends."
Philia is the embodiment of everything a true,
meaningful friendship represents.
Phileo love truly describes friendship
and the bonds that are strengthened
by shared experiences.
I love thee freely,
as men might strive for Right;
I love thee purely,
as they turn from Praise.
Eros (έρως)
Eros means romantic love from
which the word erotic comes,
but does not necessarily imply sexuality.
It's love in the sense of 'being in love':
the chemical reaction
that happens between two people.
It's infatuation between people, and is like “puppy love”.
Eros is the desire
to draw out all that is good,
beautiful and true.
It is motivated by, and
involves, emotional need;
to elicit physical love and affection from the one you love.
It's often understood to refer primarily to sex,
but that's really only one significant part of it.
I love thee with the passion
put to use
In my old griefs, and
with my childhood's faith.
(philia, φιλια) is a strong bond existing between people who share a common interest or activity.
Philia is Friendship Love, which
is not sexual in nature,
though (in the right
circumstance) it can lead to
or complement Eros (below).
It's the kind of love talked about by Jesus, who said:
"Greater love hath no man than this,
that a man lay down his life for his friends."
Philia is the embodiment of everything a true,
meaningful friendship represents.
Phileo love truly describes friendship
and the bonds that are strengthened
by shared experiences.
I love thee freely,
as men might strive for Right;
I love thee purely,
as they turn from Praise.
Eros (έρως)
Eros means romantic love from
which the word erotic comes,
but does not necessarily imply sexuality.
It's love in the sense of 'being in love':
the chemical reaction
that happens between two people.
It's infatuation between people, and is like “puppy love”.
Eros is the desire
to draw out all that is good,
beautiful and true.
It is motivated by, and
involves, emotional need;
to elicit physical love and affection from the one you love.
It's often understood to refer primarily to sex,
but that's really only one significant part of it.
I love thee with the passion
put to use
In my old griefs, and
with my childhood's faith.
True love requires all four types of Love.
Most relationships today
are based on one type of love.
If your relationship does not contain
these four types of love, you may
have the recipe for disaster.
I love thee with a love
I seemed to lose
With my lost saints,
- I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life!
–and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better
after death. 1
Other forms or styles of love . . .
Security Love:
the love that everybody needs to survive
- that feeling of being cared for and nurtured.
Some people would describe this as the type of love parents have for their children (storge):
this is so important. It is high on Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs
Pragma (Logical) Love:
is realistic, practical love. The type of love which can go out looking for a partner based on
a shopping list of requirements, which can be a bit unemotional.
There is a form of love where one person is emotionally obsessed with another,
believing that their “one magic person” alone can make them feel happy and fulfilled.
They have a painful and all-consuming preoccupation with a real (or wished-for) lover, and
an insatiable longing to possess her/him. These lovers tend to become highly self-centered
and feel insecure towards the other person. They would rather attempt tying the other person
down, than understanding their emotions and needs.
If they feel their love is not reciprocated enough, they will do what they can to compel and
get attention from the object of their obsession.
They are always afraid of losing the object of that obsession, and so they tend to try and
hold on to that one person by whatever means it may take.
It is known as Obsessive Love,
and is closely related to Manic Love:
which is also obsessive and highly volatile.
These forms of love are fuelled by low self-esteem;
and are troubled with dependence on the other person.
They are characterized by great intensity and jealousy,
Obsessive & Manic love relationships are probably the worst manifestation
of the feeling of love, or when you mistake obsession for love.
Another negative form of love is Narcissistic Love.
Narcissists "love" their spouses or other significant others
- as long as they continue to reliably provide them
with Narcissistic Supply (in one word, with attention).
Inevitably, they regard others
as mere "sources", objects, or functions.
People close to them often become co-dependent.
Lacking empathy and emotional maturity, the narcissist's love is sick.
But the precise nature of this depends on the narcissists’ stability or instability
in different parts of their life. (also see "Love, Infatuation, Obsession Etc")
Companionship Love:
is the kind of love that stimulates all five senses.
S/he smells good, feels good, tastes good, sounds good, and looks good.
S/he is pleasant company because s/he makes you feel happy.
Many relationships begin with this type of love,
but it doesn't always withstand the pressure of time.
Friendship Love:
this is a love between yourself and someone
that is totally honest, open and comfortable.
You really only have this kind of bond with a few people.
You might know a lot of people and be "friendly" with them
in a group situation but they are not the best friends
Genuine Love is completely different.
It means, "I see a need in you. Let me have the privilege of meeting it."
Instead of taking for itself,
genuine love gives to others.
It motivates us to help others reach their full potential in life.
Most relationships today
are based on one type of love.
If your relationship does not contain
these four types of love, you may
have the recipe for disaster.
I love thee with a love
I seemed to lose
With my lost saints,
- I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life!
–and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better
after death. 1
Other forms or styles of love . . .
Security Love:
the love that everybody needs to survive
- that feeling of being cared for and nurtured.
Some people would describe this as the type of love parents have for their children (storge):
this is so important. It is high on Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs
Pragma (Logical) Love:
is realistic, practical love. The type of love which can go out looking for a partner based on
a shopping list of requirements, which can be a bit unemotional.
There is a form of love where one person is emotionally obsessed with another,
believing that their “one magic person” alone can make them feel happy and fulfilled.
They have a painful and all-consuming preoccupation with a real (or wished-for) lover, and
an insatiable longing to possess her/him. These lovers tend to become highly self-centered
and feel insecure towards the other person. They would rather attempt tying the other person
down, than understanding their emotions and needs.
If they feel their love is not reciprocated enough, they will do what they can to compel and
get attention from the object of their obsession.
They are always afraid of losing the object of that obsession, and so they tend to try and
hold on to that one person by whatever means it may take.
It is known as Obsessive Love,
and is closely related to Manic Love:
which is also obsessive and highly volatile.
These forms of love are fuelled by low self-esteem;
and are troubled with dependence on the other person.
They are characterized by great intensity and jealousy,
Obsessive & Manic love relationships are probably the worst manifestation
of the feeling of love, or when you mistake obsession for love.
Another negative form of love is Narcissistic Love.
Narcissists "love" their spouses or other significant others
- as long as they continue to reliably provide them
with Narcissistic Supply (in one word, with attention).
Inevitably, they regard others
as mere "sources", objects, or functions.
People close to them often become co-dependent.
Lacking empathy and emotional maturity, the narcissist's love is sick.
But the precise nature of this depends on the narcissists’ stability or instability
in different parts of their life. (also see "Love, Infatuation, Obsession Etc")
Companionship Love:
is the kind of love that stimulates all five senses.
S/he smells good, feels good, tastes good, sounds good, and looks good.
S/he is pleasant company because s/he makes you feel happy.
Many relationships begin with this type of love,
but it doesn't always withstand the pressure of time.
Friendship Love:
this is a love between yourself and someone
that is totally honest, open and comfortable.
You really only have this kind of bond with a few people.
You might know a lot of people and be "friendly" with them
in a group situation but they are not the best friends
Genuine Love is completely different.
It means, "I see a need in you. Let me have the privilege of meeting it."
Instead of taking for itself,
genuine love gives to others.
It motivates us to help others reach their full potential in life.
Unconditional Love
is the sincerest love;
the love that lasts forever.
This kind of love comes
when you have found the person
you are destined to be with.
Nothing
can destroy
unconditional love.
is the sincerest love;
the love that lasts forever.
This kind of love comes
when you have found the person
you are destined to be with.
Nothing
can destroy
unconditional love.
Agape Love, described above,
is also a blend of two other types of love;
eros and storge.
This is the love of altruism,
of giving without asking anything in return,
and of sacrificing oneself for one's partner.
Many consider it to be the purest form of love.
The love you have for someone will change over time,
in character, intensity and even type
– but if you have a strong foundation,
it will withstand the unfolding changes.
Which kind of love
do you love others with?
There are two great commandments;
the second of which is:
Love Your Neighbour as Yourself . . .
just go and do it . . .
is also a blend of two other types of love;
eros and storge.
This is the love of altruism,
of giving without asking anything in return,
and of sacrificing oneself for one's partner.
Many consider it to be the purest form of love.
The love you have for someone will change over time,
in character, intensity and even type
– but if you have a strong foundation,
it will withstand the unfolding changes.
Which kind of love
do you love others with?
There are two great commandments;
the second of which is:
Love Your Neighbour as Yourself . . .
just go and do it . . .
_____________________________________
Acknowledgements
[1] - How Do I Love Thee
~Elizabeth Barrett Browning,
from Sonnets from the Portuguese - XLIII (43)
[2} all other text: Klaas Tuinman M.A.
Music: All For Love (Sting, Bryan Adams, Rod Stewart)
Acknowledgements
[1] - How Do I Love Thee
~Elizabeth Barrett Browning,
from Sonnets from the Portuguese - XLIII (43)
[2} all other text: Klaas Tuinman M.A.
Music: All For Love (Sting, Bryan Adams, Rod Stewart)
To submit comments, requests or materials,
contact me at outreach@dawncoveabbey.org
contact me at outreach@dawncoveabbey.org
For empowerment workshops, seminars and lectures, see: http://www.dawncoveabbey.org/healing-circle
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