Table tales: ramblings, reminiscences and smiles
in Oma Colinda’s and Opa Hans’ country kitchen.
Colinda, do people really grow up?
Non, they only learn how to act in public.
Hans, you know old Andre, right?
Ya.
Did you hear about how his mind has gone?
Somebody said it had, but I didn’t know. Why, what happened?
Well, it’s such a shame.
There was Andre, all of ninety-four-year-old, sitting on the park bench, sobbing.
And a really nice young man walked by and stopped to ask him what was wrong.
And that poor old man, through his tears answered,
"I'm in love with a twenty-two-year-old woman."
"What's wrong with that?" asked the young man.
Between his sobs and sniffles, Andre answered,
"You don't understand. Every morning before she goes to work, we make love.
At lunch time she comes home and we make love again,
and then she makes my favorite meal.
In the afternoon when she gets a break,
she rushes home and we have more sex - the best an old man could want.
And then at supper time, and all night long, we make love."
And then he broke down, no longer able to speak.
And that nice young man puts his arm around him and said,
"I don't understand. It sounds like you have the perfect relationship.
Why are you crying?"
And you gotta feel for that senile old man
when he answered, with tears streaming down his face,
"I forgot where I live."
Can you imagine, Hans?
Nee, I can’t. Oh Lordy, that man needs a GPS, or a homing device!
Do not argue with an idiot.
S\he will drag you down to hir level
and beat you with experience.
Colinda, do you remember my cousin Kurt, the show-off?
Oui, Hans.
One time, years ago when I was little, and staying at my Tante Johanna’s,
his mom, he was showing off on his bike to her, doing all kinds of stunts.
He took me for a ride on the back, telling his mom he was going to show her
how he could ride with no hands on the handle bars. She never saw the wobble,
and just saw him coming down the street, shouting,
“Look ma, no Hans”.
Oh Hans, what a dipstick he was, what a dweeb!
Ya.
Well hallo, Michel!
C’mon in and sit down.
Hey, man, how’d it going? What’s new?
Thanks Colinda. Ya, well,
Hans I remembered something I thought you ought to hear
about your great-uncle Arie, the one who moved to Nova Scotia
a while before you folks moved to Canada.
Hey, cool, what was that all about, Michel?
Well, now, there was that time a big city lawyer went duck hunting out our way. He shot and dropped a
bird, but it fell into your uncle’s field on the other side of a fence.
As that lawyer climbed over the fence, your uncle Arie drove up on his tractor
and asked him what he was doing.
The lawyer told him,
"I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
Your uncle said, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The lawyer got all huffy and told him,
"I am one of the best trial attorneys in Nova Scotia,
and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own.”
Your uncle Arie just smiled and said,
"Guess you city slickers don't know how we settle disputes in these here parts.
We settle small disagreements like this with the tri-county "Three Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked,
"What is the tri-county Three Kick Rule?"
Your uncle calmly told him,
"Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three
times and so on, back and forth until someone gives up."
The lawyer thought about that,
and must have figured that he could easily take your old uncle.
He agreed to abide by the local custom.
Uncle Arie slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the lawyer.
His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot
into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees.
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.
The lawyer was on all fours when your uncle's third kick to his rear end
sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet.
Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said,
"Okay, you old coot. Now it's my turn."
Now, you gotta love this part . . .
Your Uncle Arie just smiled and said,
"Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."
Ain’t that something?
Sure is. Miss him like crazy, Michel.
Did you ever notice
that when you blow in a dog's face,
he gets mad at you,
but when you take him for a car ride,
he sticks his head out the window?
Michel, do you remember old Jacqueline and Peter?
Oui, sure do, she was my mother’s aunt, I remember him vaguely.
Well, one day the two of them were at McDonald’s.
My grandson saw them sitting there, and he
noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup.
As he watched, Peter carefully divided the hamburger in half,
then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them.
Then Peter poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup
and set that in front of great-aunt Jacqueline.
Peter then began to eat, and aunt Jacqueline sat there
watching, with her hands folded in her lap.
My grandson was trying to figure it all out,
so he asked if they would allow him to buy another meal for them
so that they didn't have to split theirs.
Peter said, "Oh, no. We've been married 50 years,
and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50."
My grandson then asked aunt Jacqueline if she was going to eat, and she replied,
"Not yet. It's his turn with the teeth."
Ain’t that something? Well, now, sometimes you hear the weirdest things!
Light travels faster than sound.
This is why some people appear bright
until you hear them speak.
Well, hallo Ruthie, sit down woman.
How’s it going and what’s up with you?
Hello Colinda, Hans and Michel,
I want to let you know what my niece, the receptionist at the doctor’s office told me yesterday.
There was this Kurt, all of eighty-year-old, who was having an annual physical. As the doctor was
listening to his heart with the stethoscope, he began muttering, "Oh oh!"
Kurt asked the doctor, "What's the problem?"
"Well," said the doc, "you have a serious heart murmur. Do you smoke?"
"No," Kurt said.
"Do you drink in excess?"
Once again Kurt said, "No."
"Do you have a sex life?"
"Yes, I do!"
"Well," said the doc, "I'm afraid with this heart murmur,
you'll have to give up half your sex life."
Looking absolutely perplexed, Kurt asked, "Which half - the looking or the thinking?"
Now what do you think about that?
It’s a shame, but it seems to go with the territory
You got to wonder about them Americans.
They choose from just two people to run for president
and 50 for Miss America. What’s up with that?
Ruthie, did you hear what happened at the Wal-Mart store the other day?
No, I didn’t. What did I miss?
Well, you know Simon, all of 65. He and this young fellow were pushing their carts
around the store when they collided. Simon apologized to the young guy,
"Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife,
and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The young guy says,
"That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too.
I can't find her and I'm getting desperate."
Simon, always wanting to be helpful says,
"Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"
The young guys says,
"Well, she is 27 yrs. old, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs,
and she's wearing tight white shorts. What does your wife look like?"
Simon says,
"Doesn't matter none son . . . let's look for yours first."
That Simon, he’ something else.
Yeah, not hard to tell where his mind is.
I didn't say it was your fault,
I said I was blaming you.
Colinda, do you remember my uncle Claude, the one who moved to Louisiana?
Oui, Michel, I went to school with his younger sister. How’s he doing?
Well, one evening Uncle Claude decided to go down to the pond,
as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he got close to the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
Uncle Claude frowned and said,
"I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked
or make you get out of the pond naked."
Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
Uncle Claude is one fast thinker.
What a pig! But you gotta give him credit.
Never, ever, under any circumstances,
take a sleeping pill
and a laxative on the same night.
Hans do you remember old Marthe?
Kind of, what about her?
Well, with the help of a fertility specialist, when she was 65, Marthe had a baby.
All her relatives came to visit and meet the newest member of their family.
When they asked to see the baby, she simply said, "not yet."
A little later they ask to see the baby again.
Again Marthe said, "not yet."
Finally they say, "when can we see the baby?"
And Marthe said,
"When the baby cries."
And they ask, "why do we have to wait until the baby cries?"
And that proud new mother said, "because I forgot where I put it."
Oh, my Lord, what a shame.
Women will never be equal to men
until they can walk down the street
with a bald head and a beer gut,
and still think they are sexy.
Oh, hey, that reminds me of what happened to Henri a while ago.
What was that, Michel?
Well, Henri was driving a tour bus driver, and he had a load of seniors.
Anyway, as they were going down the road he was tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.
She offered him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munched on.
After about 15 minutes, she tapped him on his shoulder again
and she handed him another handful of peanuts.
She repeated this about five more times.
When she was about to hand him another batch again, he asked her,
“Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?”
“We can't chew them because we have no teeth,” she told himd.
Henri, who was puzzled asked, “Why do you buy them then?”
The old lady said, “We just love to suck the chocolate off that’s around them.”
Can you imagine the look on his face?
Eeck!!
We have enough gun control.
What we need is idiot control.
Oh that reminds me of your cousin Joachim, Hans
How’s that?
Well, my cousin Richard, was invited to his old friend Joachim’s home for dinner one evening.
He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms-
Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc . . .
That couple had been married almost 70 years,
and clearly they were still very much in love.
While the wife was in the kitchen, Richard leaned over and told Joachim,
"I think it's wonderful that, after all these years,
you still call your wife those loving pet names."
Joachim hung his head.
"I have to tell you the truth," he said,
"I forgot her name about 10 years ago."
If electricity comes from electrons,
does morality come from morons?
Well now, I kind of remember hearing about my cousin Martin.
He and two other old men were sitting on the porch of a retirement home.
One day, one of the guys said,
"Fellas, I got real problems. I'm seventy years old.
Every morning at seven o'clock I get up and I try to urinate.
All day long I try to urinate.
They give me all kinds of medicine but nothing helps."
The other old guy said,
"You think you have problems. I'm eighty years old.
Every morning at 8:00 I get up and try to move my bowels.
I try all day long. They give me all kinds of stuff but nothing helps."
That’s when Martin said his piece,
"Fellas: I'm ninety years old. Every morning at 7:00 sharp I urinate.
Every morning at 8:00 I move my bowels.
Every morning at 9:00 sharp I wake up."
God rest his soul.
How is it that one careless match
can start a forest fire,
but it takes a whole box
to start a campfire?
Well, now, I guess seniors got certain things all figured out.
A former Canadian Prime Minister, while he was still in office,
decided one day that it was time
to do some public relations at a local Ottawa, ON nursing home.
The Prime Minister began his "tour" down the main hallway
and passed by a little old man who didn’t seem to notice him.
Sensing this, the Prime Minister backtracked to the resident and asked,
"Do you know who I am?"
The little old man looked up from his walker and said,
"No, but if you go to the front desk, they will tell you your name."
God bless little old men.
Oh ya, when you’re lying there all snug
in your bed, cuddled against your partner,
under those nice comfy sheets after taking
Castor Oil, and you feel you have to pass wind:
don’t! It won’t be wind.
Yeah, those old guys sure have some experiences.
Take old William, for example.
He was barely sitting down in a bus-stop washroom,
when he heard a voice from the other stall saying:
"Hi, how are you?"
William was not the type to start a conversation in the men's restrooms
at a rest stops but, trying to be sociable, answered somewhat embarrassed,
"Doin Just Fine!"
And the other guy says:
"So what are you up to?"
What kind of question is that?
At that point, William is thinking this is too bizarre
so he says: "Uhhh I'm like you, just traveling east!"
At this point William was just trying to get out as fast as he could
when he heard another question.
"Can I come over to your place after while?"
Ok, this question was just wacky but he figured he could just be polite
and end the conversation, and told him,
"Well, I have company over so today is a bad day for me!"
Then he heard the guy say nervously. . .
"Listen, I'll have to call you back.
There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!"
Can you imagine?
We live in a society
where pizza gets to your house
before the police.
You never know about those older guys, but sometimes they get a shot in,
like old Al did a year or so ago.
He was taking this course in linguistics (seniors get in free), and
the professor was lecturing his class, saying,
"In English a double negative forms a positive.
In some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative.
However,” the professor continued,
"there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
That’s when Al, sitting at the back of the room piped up.
"Yeah, right."
Did you know that dolphins are so smart
that within a few weeks of captivity,
they can train people
to stand on the very edge of the pool
and throw them fish?
Oh Hans, that’s so cool.
Makes me somehow think of Pierre, you know, the one who is married to Nellie Von Snide.
Anyway, Pierre had stopped in to have a beer at the local bar one day, when the Devil walked in – that’s
what I’ve been told.
Within seconds the bar emptied with people running out screaming all over the place,
all except for Pierre leaned over the bar.
The Devil wanders across to Pierre and says,
“Do you know who I am?”
Pierre took another sip of his beer and answered,
“Oui”
The Devil stared at the old man and asked,
“Well aren’t you afraid of me?”
Pierre looked the Devil up and down for a minute and shrugged,
“I married your sister 40 years ago, sacre bleu, man,
why in the world should I be scared of you?”
in Oma Colinda’s and Opa Hans’ country kitchen.
Colinda, do people really grow up?
Non, they only learn how to act in public.
Hans, you know old Andre, right?
Ya.
Did you hear about how his mind has gone?
Somebody said it had, but I didn’t know. Why, what happened?
Well, it’s such a shame.
There was Andre, all of ninety-four-year-old, sitting on the park bench, sobbing.
And a really nice young man walked by and stopped to ask him what was wrong.
And that poor old man, through his tears answered,
"I'm in love with a twenty-two-year-old woman."
"What's wrong with that?" asked the young man.
Between his sobs and sniffles, Andre answered,
"You don't understand. Every morning before she goes to work, we make love.
At lunch time she comes home and we make love again,
and then she makes my favorite meal.
In the afternoon when she gets a break,
she rushes home and we have more sex - the best an old man could want.
And then at supper time, and all night long, we make love."
And then he broke down, no longer able to speak.
And that nice young man puts his arm around him and said,
"I don't understand. It sounds like you have the perfect relationship.
Why are you crying?"
And you gotta feel for that senile old man
when he answered, with tears streaming down his face,
"I forgot where I live."
Can you imagine, Hans?
Nee, I can’t. Oh Lordy, that man needs a GPS, or a homing device!
Do not argue with an idiot.
S\he will drag you down to hir level
and beat you with experience.
Colinda, do you remember my cousin Kurt, the show-off?
Oui, Hans.
One time, years ago when I was little, and staying at my Tante Johanna’s,
his mom, he was showing off on his bike to her, doing all kinds of stunts.
He took me for a ride on the back, telling his mom he was going to show her
how he could ride with no hands on the handle bars. She never saw the wobble,
and just saw him coming down the street, shouting,
“Look ma, no Hans”.
Oh Hans, what a dipstick he was, what a dweeb!
Ya.
Well hallo, Michel!
C’mon in and sit down.
Hey, man, how’d it going? What’s new?
Thanks Colinda. Ya, well,
Hans I remembered something I thought you ought to hear
about your great-uncle Arie, the one who moved to Nova Scotia
a while before you folks moved to Canada.
Hey, cool, what was that all about, Michel?
Well, now, there was that time a big city lawyer went duck hunting out our way. He shot and dropped a
bird, but it fell into your uncle’s field on the other side of a fence.
As that lawyer climbed over the fence, your uncle Arie drove up on his tractor
and asked him what he was doing.
The lawyer told him,
"I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
Your uncle said, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The lawyer got all huffy and told him,
"I am one of the best trial attorneys in Nova Scotia,
and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own.”
Your uncle Arie just smiled and said,
"Guess you city slickers don't know how we settle disputes in these here parts.
We settle small disagreements like this with the tri-county "Three Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked,
"What is the tri-county Three Kick Rule?"
Your uncle calmly told him,
"Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three
times and so on, back and forth until someone gives up."
The lawyer thought about that,
and must have figured that he could easily take your old uncle.
He agreed to abide by the local custom.
Uncle Arie slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the lawyer.
His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot
into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees.
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.
The lawyer was on all fours when your uncle's third kick to his rear end
sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet.
Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said,
"Okay, you old coot. Now it's my turn."
Now, you gotta love this part . . .
Your Uncle Arie just smiled and said,
"Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."
Ain’t that something?
Sure is. Miss him like crazy, Michel.
Did you ever notice
that when you blow in a dog's face,
he gets mad at you,
but when you take him for a car ride,
he sticks his head out the window?
Michel, do you remember old Jacqueline and Peter?
Oui, sure do, she was my mother’s aunt, I remember him vaguely.
Well, one day the two of them were at McDonald’s.
My grandson saw them sitting there, and he
noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup.
As he watched, Peter carefully divided the hamburger in half,
then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them.
Then Peter poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup
and set that in front of great-aunt Jacqueline.
Peter then began to eat, and aunt Jacqueline sat there
watching, with her hands folded in her lap.
My grandson was trying to figure it all out,
so he asked if they would allow him to buy another meal for them
so that they didn't have to split theirs.
Peter said, "Oh, no. We've been married 50 years,
and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50."
My grandson then asked aunt Jacqueline if she was going to eat, and she replied,
"Not yet. It's his turn with the teeth."
Ain’t that something? Well, now, sometimes you hear the weirdest things!
Light travels faster than sound.
This is why some people appear bright
until you hear them speak.
Well, hallo Ruthie, sit down woman.
How’s it going and what’s up with you?
Hello Colinda, Hans and Michel,
I want to let you know what my niece, the receptionist at the doctor’s office told me yesterday.
There was this Kurt, all of eighty-year-old, who was having an annual physical. As the doctor was
listening to his heart with the stethoscope, he began muttering, "Oh oh!"
Kurt asked the doctor, "What's the problem?"
"Well," said the doc, "you have a serious heart murmur. Do you smoke?"
"No," Kurt said.
"Do you drink in excess?"
Once again Kurt said, "No."
"Do you have a sex life?"
"Yes, I do!"
"Well," said the doc, "I'm afraid with this heart murmur,
you'll have to give up half your sex life."
Looking absolutely perplexed, Kurt asked, "Which half - the looking or the thinking?"
Now what do you think about that?
It’s a shame, but it seems to go with the territory
You got to wonder about them Americans.
They choose from just two people to run for president
and 50 for Miss America. What’s up with that?
Ruthie, did you hear what happened at the Wal-Mart store the other day?
No, I didn’t. What did I miss?
Well, you know Simon, all of 65. He and this young fellow were pushing their carts
around the store when they collided. Simon apologized to the young guy,
"Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife,
and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The young guy says,
"That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too.
I can't find her and I'm getting desperate."
Simon, always wanting to be helpful says,
"Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"
The young guys says,
"Well, she is 27 yrs. old, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs,
and she's wearing tight white shorts. What does your wife look like?"
Simon says,
"Doesn't matter none son . . . let's look for yours first."
That Simon, he’ something else.
Yeah, not hard to tell where his mind is.
I didn't say it was your fault,
I said I was blaming you.
Colinda, do you remember my uncle Claude, the one who moved to Louisiana?
Oui, Michel, I went to school with his younger sister. How’s he doing?
Well, one evening Uncle Claude decided to go down to the pond,
as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he got close to the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
Uncle Claude frowned and said,
"I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked
or make you get out of the pond naked."
Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
Uncle Claude is one fast thinker.
What a pig! But you gotta give him credit.
Never, ever, under any circumstances,
take a sleeping pill
and a laxative on the same night.
Hans do you remember old Marthe?
Kind of, what about her?
Well, with the help of a fertility specialist, when she was 65, Marthe had a baby.
All her relatives came to visit and meet the newest member of their family.
When they asked to see the baby, she simply said, "not yet."
A little later they ask to see the baby again.
Again Marthe said, "not yet."
Finally they say, "when can we see the baby?"
And Marthe said,
"When the baby cries."
And they ask, "why do we have to wait until the baby cries?"
And that proud new mother said, "because I forgot where I put it."
Oh, my Lord, what a shame.
Women will never be equal to men
until they can walk down the street
with a bald head and a beer gut,
and still think they are sexy.
Oh, hey, that reminds me of what happened to Henri a while ago.
What was that, Michel?
Well, Henri was driving a tour bus driver, and he had a load of seniors.
Anyway, as they were going down the road he was tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.
She offered him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munched on.
After about 15 minutes, she tapped him on his shoulder again
and she handed him another handful of peanuts.
She repeated this about five more times.
When she was about to hand him another batch again, he asked her,
“Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?”
“We can't chew them because we have no teeth,” she told himd.
Henri, who was puzzled asked, “Why do you buy them then?”
The old lady said, “We just love to suck the chocolate off that’s around them.”
Can you imagine the look on his face?
Eeck!!
We have enough gun control.
What we need is idiot control.
Oh that reminds me of your cousin Joachim, Hans
How’s that?
Well, my cousin Richard, was invited to his old friend Joachim’s home for dinner one evening.
He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms-
Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc . . .
That couple had been married almost 70 years,
and clearly they were still very much in love.
While the wife was in the kitchen, Richard leaned over and told Joachim,
"I think it's wonderful that, after all these years,
you still call your wife those loving pet names."
Joachim hung his head.
"I have to tell you the truth," he said,
"I forgot her name about 10 years ago."
If electricity comes from electrons,
does morality come from morons?
Well now, I kind of remember hearing about my cousin Martin.
He and two other old men were sitting on the porch of a retirement home.
One day, one of the guys said,
"Fellas, I got real problems. I'm seventy years old.
Every morning at seven o'clock I get up and I try to urinate.
All day long I try to urinate.
They give me all kinds of medicine but nothing helps."
The other old guy said,
"You think you have problems. I'm eighty years old.
Every morning at 8:00 I get up and try to move my bowels.
I try all day long. They give me all kinds of stuff but nothing helps."
That’s when Martin said his piece,
"Fellas: I'm ninety years old. Every morning at 7:00 sharp I urinate.
Every morning at 8:00 I move my bowels.
Every morning at 9:00 sharp I wake up."
God rest his soul.
How is it that one careless match
can start a forest fire,
but it takes a whole box
to start a campfire?
Well, now, I guess seniors got certain things all figured out.
A former Canadian Prime Minister, while he was still in office,
decided one day that it was time
to do some public relations at a local Ottawa, ON nursing home.
The Prime Minister began his "tour" down the main hallway
and passed by a little old man who didn’t seem to notice him.
Sensing this, the Prime Minister backtracked to the resident and asked,
"Do you know who I am?"
The little old man looked up from his walker and said,
"No, but if you go to the front desk, they will tell you your name."
God bless little old men.
Oh ya, when you’re lying there all snug
in your bed, cuddled against your partner,
under those nice comfy sheets after taking
Castor Oil, and you feel you have to pass wind:
don’t! It won’t be wind.
Yeah, those old guys sure have some experiences.
Take old William, for example.
He was barely sitting down in a bus-stop washroom,
when he heard a voice from the other stall saying:
"Hi, how are you?"
William was not the type to start a conversation in the men's restrooms
at a rest stops but, trying to be sociable, answered somewhat embarrassed,
"Doin Just Fine!"
And the other guy says:
"So what are you up to?"
What kind of question is that?
At that point, William is thinking this is too bizarre
so he says: "Uhhh I'm like you, just traveling east!"
At this point William was just trying to get out as fast as he could
when he heard another question.
"Can I come over to your place after while?"
Ok, this question was just wacky but he figured he could just be polite
and end the conversation, and told him,
"Well, I have company over so today is a bad day for me!"
Then he heard the guy say nervously. . .
"Listen, I'll have to call you back.
There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!"
Can you imagine?
We live in a society
where pizza gets to your house
before the police.
You never know about those older guys, but sometimes they get a shot in,
like old Al did a year or so ago.
He was taking this course in linguistics (seniors get in free), and
the professor was lecturing his class, saying,
"In English a double negative forms a positive.
In some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative.
However,” the professor continued,
"there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
That’s when Al, sitting at the back of the room piped up.
"Yeah, right."
Did you know that dolphins are so smart
that within a few weeks of captivity,
they can train people
to stand on the very edge of the pool
and throw them fish?
Oh Hans, that’s so cool.
Makes me somehow think of Pierre, you know, the one who is married to Nellie Von Snide.
Anyway, Pierre had stopped in to have a beer at the local bar one day, when the Devil walked in – that’s
what I’ve been told.
Within seconds the bar emptied with people running out screaming all over the place,
all except for Pierre leaned over the bar.
The Devil wanders across to Pierre and says,
“Do you know who I am?”
Pierre took another sip of his beer and answered,
“Oui”
The Devil stared at the old man and asked,
“Well aren’t you afraid of me?”
Pierre looked the Devil up and down for a minute and shrugged,
“I married your sister 40 years ago, sacre bleu, man,
why in the world should I be scared of you?”
Some people grow old gracefully, while others fight and scratch the
whole way, like Heintz's wife, Simonne, who refused to give in to the
looks of growing old, and went out and got a new line of expensive
cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.
After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle"
products, she asks her Heintz, "Darling, honestly, if you didn't know me,
what age would you say I am"?
Looking over her carefully, Heintz said, "Judging from your skin, 20;
your hair, 18; your eyes, 16 and your figure, 25."
"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed.
Just as she was about to tell Heintz his reward, he went to his doom
saying, "Whoa, hold on there sweetie! I haven't added them up yet!"
whole way, like Heintz's wife, Simonne, who refused to give in to the
looks of growing old, and went out and got a new line of expensive
cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.
After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle"
products, she asks her Heintz, "Darling, honestly, if you didn't know me,
what age would you say I am"?
Looking over her carefully, Heintz said, "Judging from your skin, 20;
your hair, 18; your eyes, 16 and your figure, 25."
"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed.
Just as she was about to tell Heintz his reward, he went to his doom
saying, "Whoa, hold on there sweetie! I haven't added them up yet!"
Growing old is mandatory;
growing up is optional.
In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird.
Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
There is always a lot to be thankful for, if you take the time to look.
For example, I'm sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra
than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2020,
there should be a large elderly population
with perky appendages
and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
You don't stop laughing because you grow old.
You grow old because you stop laughing.
C’mon Colinda,
dance with me,
allons danser!
(let’s dance).
growing up is optional.
In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird.
Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
There is always a lot to be thankful for, if you take the time to look.
For example, I'm sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra
than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2020,
there should be a large elderly population
with perky appendages
and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
You don't stop laughing because you grow old.
You grow old because you stop laughing.
C’mon Colinda,
dance with me,
allons danser!
(let’s dance).
Notes & Acknowledgements:
Oma and Opa’s Kitchen Table Tales (assembled by ~Klaas Tuinman)
Hir = his/her
Media: Allons Danser, Colinda.
Presented by Klaas
Layout Design and Presentation Crafted by KT+
_________________________________________________
Oma and Opa’s Kitchen Table Tales (assembled by ~Klaas Tuinman)
Hir = his/her
Media: Allons Danser, Colinda.
Presented by Klaas
Layout Design and Presentation Crafted by KT+
_________________________________________________
For prayer requests and more, visit our sister site Stella Maris,
- a place where truth and beauty dwells: or write for information.
- a place where truth and beauty dwells: or write for information.
To submit comments, requests or materials,
contact me at: klaas-tuinman@live.ca
contact me at: klaas-tuinman@live.ca
I gladly welcome all article, haiku, humour and poem contributions
For empowerment workshops and seminars see: http://www.dawncoveabbey.org/healing-circle
For empowerment workshops and seminars see: http://www.dawncoveabbey.org/healing-circle
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